#18 Monster Blood II

Judging a Book by its Cover

Alternate Title: Attack of the Giant Hamster. He's a pretty mean looking bugger. The perspective of the photo makes it look scarier. Like you're looking up at him, because your tiny. Really that would just mean he's on a giant desk though. And the monster blood is oozing off of it. It's one of those rare times when the book borders compliment the book, being that they are pretty much green ooze themselves.

The tagline on the front is "He's one hungry hamster!" That just makes him sound obese, and not enormous in a scary way. "It's baaack...." is the uninspired tagline on the back. Disappointing.

All in all, I only have one thing to say, "Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist!"

Getting Goosebumps

We start out with star of Monster Blood I, Evan and his dog Trigger. It seems Trigger somehow got a hold of monster blood again and is growing ever bigger. He grabs Evan and buries him in the garden. Oh no! Book over! Shortest book yet. Oh wait, he was just day dreaming in class. It seems he hasn't quite gotten over the antics of the first book. No one in Atlanta believes what happened and he's getting in trouble with his science teacher. As punishment he has to clean out the class's pet hamster cage. If that wasn't bad enough he keeps being hassled by school bully Conan "The Barbarian" Barber. The kid is only twelve but apparently looks as though he's 32... which frankly is kind of creepy.

At least everything goes smoothly with cleaning the hamsters cage, right? Wrong. Cuddles the hamster escapes and rather boldly for a hamster, jumps out the window and scurries around the school grounds. Guess who finds him? Evan? No! Conan, and he wants to force Evan to sing to get Cuddles back. What a dick. The science teacher shows up just in time for Conan to make Evan look even worse. Things just aren't going well for this kid. You'd think it was all uphill from his first dealing with monster blood.

Well in a convenient turn of plot, Evan's old tomboy friend Andrea, or "Andy" shows up in Atlanta. Apparently her parents moved somewhere and she is staying there with relatives as long as is necessary for the book. She even brought the old canister of monster blood with her! And, uh-oh, there is still some inside. On top of that, it's growing! While they briefly consider using it to prove Evan isn't crazy, after it nearly turns up in the hands of Conan they decide they need to dispose of it.Burying it is deemed the best method.

Later, Evan goes to tryout for the basketball team. After being slammed in the face in with a basketball, and somehow being dunked in the hoop by a middle schooler Evan fails to make the team. And Mr. Science teacher coach is blamed for letting Conan walk all over Evan. Andy dreams up the idea of using the monster blood to feed to Cuddles the hamster as a way of getting back at Mr. Science Teacher Coach. Evan goes along with it but when they try and dig it up, the monster blood is gone! Conan is the suspected culprit, and to prove it they commit breaking and entering.

Once they retrieve the can of monster blood and narrowly escape being caught by Conan they decide the best course of action is just to bury it again. Or do they? Well it turns out Andy decides Evan "needs a laugh" so she fed Cuddles the hamster some monster blood. By school the next day, Cuddles is the size of a large rabbit. Evan comes in early the morning after to discover that Cuddles got big enough to bust out of its cage. He puts a conveniently placed dog leash on it, and cuts class. The teacher however, thinks it's pretty rad to have a giant hamster... that is until the next day...

Yes, Cuddles is like 10 feet tall the day after. It is raising all sorts of hell, with the teacher trying to tame him like a lion and having no success. There is only one solution: Evan has to eat some of the monster blood to combat it. He eats enough so he starts growing immediately. When he himself is 10 feet tall he tries to confront the beast, but as he is still outweighed the hamster dominates him. Evan stops growing and can't figure out why. Just as the hamster is about to sink its teeth into him, POOF everything is back to normal. What the hell? Well, it turns out that can of monster blood has an expiration date, and its today. CONVENIENT!

In the end, Conan made to look like a fool because he was crying for mommy when confronted by Cuddles. Evan was made to look like a hero since he bravely ate the repulsive goo. As a reward, he received the now normal sized Cuddles. Andy, the loyal side kick, got a package in the mail from her parents. Guess what it is? More monster blood! Oh man. Hey, where is Cuddles? HEY! WHAT IS CUDDLES EATING?

The end.

What I Thought of it

Hamsters! Not what I'd call a scary monster. Even a big one doesn't seem particularly scary to me. Maybe if it was Godzilla sized. That might have been cooler. Still, I guess it is something familiar to kids and the idea of one getting huge and terrorizing the school is pretty fun. Sadly however, it's reign of terror is short. In Stine's books there is a decent amount of buildup but then everything gets solved in a couple really short chapters. Sometimes I think if he just lengthened the books by about 50% they would improve about 100%. And it's not like kids couldn't read just a little bit more.

Anyway. Sequel. I believe this is the first direct sequel to a previous book. Truth be told, I already forgot about a bit of the previous Monster Blood. Andy I like as a character. She is a bit memorable as far as Goosebumps characters go. Evan is as generic a protagonist as they come. He doesn't grow as a character any, but I suppose that isn't what these books are about. They are about having fun with kind of freaky events. This book is more fun than freaky. But as its aimed at 10 year olds, that's probably ok.

Now, about the ending. 9 times out of 10 the overly silly stupid Stine ending bugs the crap out of me. This one I kind of liked. Sure it being the expiration date was kind of a lame gag... but it was lame enough to make me chuckle. The notion that this sci-fi, magic, poweful mystic goo has an expiration date? Classic! I'll allow it.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Conans

Up Next

Next up in the series is Deep Trouble which I believe is part Jaws, part Creature From the Black Lagoon, and Part Splash. However, the next book I read is gonna be a special surprise. Check back in a couple weeks for that.

#17 Why I'm Afraid of Bees

Judging a Book by its Cover:

Why I'm Afraid of Bees. Gee, why could it be? Are they Africanized killer bees? Radioactive bees? Giant bees from mars? Oh wait, no, the cover ruins the whole damn thing. Clearly he is afraid of bees because he turned into one somehow. They couldn't just show a swarm of menacing looking bees and leave it to our imagination? They gotta ruin the plot? Lame. Plus I don't think the cover even looks that good. It's overly simple. I did have that exact haircut when I was a kid though. The hair on the head, not on the legs or thorax.

The front tagline asserts that, "He's no ordinary human bee-ing...." while plot spoiling I do appreciate the groanworthy pun. That's what I expect outta you Stine, no more, no less. The back tagline is "Right Brain. Wrong Body." So wait, is it only his brain that gets put on a bee or is it his whole head? Well color me intrigued now! Lets jump on in.

Getting Goosebumps

Gary Lutz is a klutz. I am almost positive RL Stine named him Lutz to trot out the clever nickname, "Lutz the klutz." He gets picked last for sports. They even have a special rule when he plays baseball that he gets 4 strikes instead of 3 to even things out. Naturally he strikes out anyway. He is also afraid of everything. The dark, his sisters cat, and bees. Nothing bad has even happened yet and he's already afraid of bees. Why is he afraid of bees? Because he has fears of everything. Story over. Anyway, it's a bad coincidence that he's scared of bees and his neighbor is a bee keeper. Even though he's afraid, he likes to watch his neighbor tend his bees. How does his neighbor respond? By cultivating his interest and turning him into a bee lover? Perhaps a future beekeeper even? Nope, he scares the crap out of him by covering himself in bees. Reasonable adult behavior. I'm sorry BEEhavior. Ah hah hah.

Still Gary is the average tween boy and tries his best impress the ladies. The way to impress ladies when you are a tween boy? Ride your bike with no hands. The way not to impress ladies when you're a tween boy? Almost crash into a car, swerve and hit a lamp post. He went with the latter, and thus was laughed at. At that moment he felt like switching lives with anything that doesn't get laughed at, a plant, a bird, a bug... I bet that's not foreshadowing anything at all.

Shunning the outside world Gary goes inside to use his computer and in my favorite early 90's reference to date in a Goosebumps he signs on to a BBS. Now if you're too young to know what a BBS is, it's a Bulletin Board System. People would log on with their old-fangled dial up modems and post things, play games, download stuffs and so forth. Gary himself was looking for advice on a game he was playing. Instead what he found was an ad to "Take a Vacation From Yourself." Somehow, apparently you trade places with people for a week. This was apparently spam before the era of "male enhancement" pills. He writes down the address in the ad, because surely other lives are better than his bike crashing, getting beat up by bullies, Lutz the Klutz life.

The next day he goes through with it and investigates the company. The worker there informs him that they don't just switch places with people, they actually have a machine that can make you switch bodies! With such an amazing piece of technology, they choose to pander to 12 year olds on a BBS apparently. No secret government work for this. Vacations for 12 year olds. She doesn't even mention price. How are they staying in business? Anyway, Gary isn't sure about it until he gets beat up on the way home. Clearly anyone else's life would better.

After a few days Gary finally gets a call from the body swap folks. Apparently a cool cat named Dirk wants to switch bodies because he needs a smart guy to take his tests for him. He seems unconcerned that perhaps someone is just looking to use his body for a week long binge of heroin and buggery. That's what I'd be worried about. The body swapping lady sets up her machines in the kitchen where it is sure not to attract any attention or questions from his family, and she goes about swapping his body. Unfortunately there were bees in the kitchen that kept freaking Gary out. Soon, he would be freaking himself out, looking at his bee-self in a window reflection. Something went wrong and he turned into a bee instead of into cool guy Dirk! Gary frankly tries to get the vacation from yourself employee's attention, to no avail. He only gets swatted away. His dad swats him away too, and his sisters cat almost eats him. Meanwhile Dirk is busy living his nerd life in his nerd body, buddying up with his new parents. Beekeeper neighbor finally comes and rounds up Garybee with his net. That seems odd, I am pretty sure beekepers don't keep track of each individual bee with such detail. Regardless, Gary finds himself amongst the horrors that are bees up close. Finally he finds his way out of the honey comb and vows to find the vacation place and somehow get switched back to himself.

Trying to talk to people doesn't work, they just hear him as a bee. He tries to type a message to Dirk in Gary's body, on the computer but he turns the computer off before reading it. Then he decides to go to the Person to Person Vacations building and talk to the worker. He doesn't really have a plan of how to communicate, but he'll figure out something. And something he does indeed figure out. She talks from behind a pane of glass using a microphone, so he lands on the microphone and talks to her amplified. Somehow his bee vocal chords can make English, fascinating. Anyway, good news is she understands him. Bad news is, Dirk wants to stay in his body. Apparently there is nothing she can do about that. She vows to think on what to do during the evening, but it's Friday and she wont be back until Monday!

Then Gary visits Dirk's home. Dirk's body's home that is. It, naturally, was acting like a bee and thus was no help. Left with only one choice, he visits Dirk. Dirk in Gary's body. Turns out Dirk can actually understand him due to some bogus sci-fi mumbo jumbo but doesn't care, he's keeping the body for no particular reason. Why he thinks being in this new family is so much better than his old one is anyone's guess, but he's hear to stay. Dirk swats him out the window, and then some bee's start chasing angrily after Gary. They follow him in a swarm, and that gives him an idea. He stirs up the entire hive and leaves them into Dirk's room. Dirk seems mildly concerned, but ultimately not afraid of bees. That's when Gary decided to sting him on the nose! But wait, bees die when they sting people! Oh what a cruel fate... An intriguing way to end a Goosebumps book though with the main character dying in an act of futility...

Nah, just kidding Gary comes to in his own body. It's never explained how that happened. Dirk's back in his body too and for good measure they become friends. Stine's lame endings strike again.

What I Thought:

First and foremost, this was an interesting new situation. It's always nice to have new situations to read about in a series so vast. Swapping bodies with a bug is a new and potentially interesting experience. He did spend some time in the hive, but it was mostly confused and terrified which I suppose is accurate. I felt like Stine read a pamphlet about bees and included a few details, but some things I question the accuracy about. I suppose scientific accuracy isn't the greatest concern in a children's scifi-"horror" book though.

Ultimately I had to keep reminding myself that this is a kid's book. They probably don't care that there is no reasonable explanation for Dirk to want to keep his new body and life situation. There is no reasonable explanation why the technology to swap bodies would be kept hidden on a local BBS and used for 12 year olds. There probably isn't a way to come up with a reason, so he doesn't even try. And kids probably don't care. But I suppose part of the fun of reading them as an adult is looking at them with a new elderly attitude.

Strong points include the details from a bugs eye view, the details of Lutz's Klutziness, and the general fun that is had from swapping places with something unusual.

Weak points are the general lack of detail had from everything, and the usual cast of stock family, bullies, and so forth. Also, enough with the trying to scream but having no sound escape. How about actual screaming? That would be an interesting change.

Rating: 3 out of 5 bees

Up Next:

 

Monster Blood 2: Slimy Boogaloo. I'll be honest, I barely even remember what happened in Monster Blood 1 and I read it just a year or 2 ago. Something about an evil cat-witch and some diabolical silly putty? I am most interested in seeing if this follows the same Characters as the last book, or merely introducing someone new to the Monster Blood. We shall see!

#16 One Day at Horrorland

Judging a Book by its Cover:

Look at that horny monster clutching the bloody sign. Is it part of the sign? Or is it an actual monster? Who knows! Also, why are dead trees so spooky? I suppose it's like a plant corpse. Imagine if these illustrations were littered with human corpses instead of tree corpses, now that would be scary. Anyway, presumably Horrorland is some fright based amusement park. Aren't ferris wheels terrifying enough already? Jeeze.

Honestly though, I like this cover. It's ominous and foreboding  while in the cartoony style and the color scheme is nice. It's another rare time when the dual colors of the border compliment the drawing. There is a nice bluey-lavender thing going on. I dig it.

The taglines add to the foreboding but don't offer much in the way of bad puns or lame jokes which is a disappointment. The back asserts, "the next ride might be their last..." While the front beckons, "enter if you dare...." Do I dare? You bet your ass I dare!

Getting Goosebumps:

The desert surrounds the Morris family as they cruise around in a little Toyota looking for the Zoo Gardens Theme Park which is apparently 3 things wrapped up into one. If you love zoos, gardens, and theme parks well then this is the place for you. Unfortunately for Lizzy her parents can't seem to find it. And her brother Luke keeps horsing around with his best friend clay doing manly things like pinching declaring "the mad pincher strikes again." None of this would be happening if Dad didn't forget the map! The best they can do now is turn around and try and find some place to ask for directions.

Eventually they get to a not so desert-like area and pull over to see if there is a map in the glove-box. It just so happens they pull next to a sign for Horrorland, that of course causes Lizzy to try to scream but no sound comes out. All the kids push to go there instead of Zoo Gardens. Mom and dad finally relent. They get there and immediately after getting out of the car, it blows up. I honestly did not see that coming. Since this is in a pre-cell phone everywhere society they are at the mercy of the employees of Horrorland, known as "The Horrors." These Horrors assert that everything will be "taken care of" and that they should just enter the park. I know if there is one thing I want to do after I almost die in a fiery explosion it's to go down a wicked sweet roller coaster. Dad is naturally concerned but Mom thinks the kids should wander around this death trap alone while they figure things out. Makes sense!

The kids see lots of The Horrors around. There is a wolf that even looks like a real wolf and growls like them! Also, oddly there are No Pinching signs which is a shame because Luke is a pinching fiend. They go on The Doom Slide. There are several different numbered boards you can take down the slide. They are warned that one of them is the DOOOOOOM SLLIIIIIIDE that will make them slide FOREVER! It's pretty rad and Lizzy comes out at the bottom with her brother, but they realize clay isn't there. He didn't come out the entrance either. They decide he must have gotten the Doom Slide and thus they must take the same one down. It does raise the question, if the slider on the board slides forever how does the board get back to the top. Do they have an unlimited number of boards? Doesn't that get pricey? Well sadly it does have an end but it is much longer and scarier than the standard slide they had before. At the end they do find Clay who is trying to hide his fright. Now they are in an entirely different part of the park.

In this new area one of the Horrors confronts Lizzy and urges her to get out while she can. Normally a plea such as this in a horror park would go unheeded. When your car blew up just 20 minutes ago in the parking lot, maybe you should be concerned. Naturally, the brush it off. They decide to go to the hall of mirrors which even has mirrors on the floors because if you aren't worried about lawsuits from exploding cars why would you worry about lawsuits from skirt wearing patrons? They all get separated and when the unite the realize the are actually in different rooms separated by glass. Suddenly the walls start closing in on them and Lizzy groans "Graaaaarrrrg!" Wait no, that was Chewbacca. Wrong story. They groan and fight but to no avail. Just when the think the are going to be crushed the floor opens up and they fall outside. Luke loves it, but this proves to be too much for Lizzy and Clay who begin wondering if you can in fact die of fright.

Finally it was decided it was time to seek out their parents. Though Luke seemed to be loving it Lizzy and Clay had had enough and the parents were probably looking for them. They walked trough a path with tree snakes, and through a barn with bats that scared the bajeezus out of Lizzy before finally getting back to the area with the Doom Slide. Mom and dad were nowhere to be found. The asked one of the Horrors if he'd seen them and he assured them he did. They left a half an hour ago. The left a message though, "Goodbye." That doesn't raise their moods! They find themselves near an alligator pound when suddenly someone grabs Lizzy to push her in! Wait nevermind, it's just her dad greeting her.

Now that they have their parents it's time to see about heading out. They do want to ride at least one ride before they go, so they go into a coffin canoe ride as it heads towards the entrance. The float about in coffins and it's actually rather relaxing until the lids slam shut! Everyone understandably loses their shit and thrashes about screaming. Eventually the caskets open and they all agree that it was a little too much. It's time to leave. But none of the ticket windows are open. They don't have a car to leave as theirs is freshly exploded. Also the gate out is padlocked shut. Just as they are really worrying all the horrors of the park show up and thank them for being on their hidden game show on Monster TV! But as there are still several chapters left there has got to be more....

The are ushered into a room where an announcer says they have a minute to make it out alive. Monsters of all sorts rush at them. Awful birds, "furry snakes", manbearpigs, and other such horrors. Everyone is terrified, and convinced it is the end until finally the timer winds down and it is revealed that 3 out of 5 of them survived! Correction, 5 out of 5. Then in Mr. Stine's favorite contrivance the floor comes out from under them and they are face to face with the MC Horror. Dad chews her out, and Lizzy tries to rip off her mask. But it's not a mask! The are REAL monsters and Monster TV is real. It's a channel FOR MONSTERS! Oh Shit! The monsters corner them against a purple pond and assure them it is time to leave, and going into that pond is the only way out. If they don't go willingly the will be pushed. Drowning in purple goo isn't perhaps the most menacing threat, but I suppose it gets the job down.

Lizzy however has a last ditch effort in mind. She remembers all those strange no pinching signs so... THE MAD PINCHER STRIKES AGAIN. And it works. I shit you not it works. Pinching these godless abominations DEFLATES them. They pinch all the can and make a run for the exit. But wait, there car is exploded! Time to steal a bus conveniently sitting there with the keys in it. The gun it and make it out of the park, celebrating the whole way home. When they get home the realize there is a horror stuck to the back of the bus. He has their free passes for next year, DUN DUN DUUUNNNN!

The end.

What I Thought:

Lizzy, like almost of Stine's characters is pretty nondescript and generic. Her sibling like almost all the siblings is kind of a jerk. Her parents are generic parents. Now I know these are kids books meant to appeal to a broad range, but it's getting underwhelming experiencing these flat characters over and over again. I am pretty sure it's possible to create a relate-able children's character with some personality. I guess asking for it 60-some books in a row is pushing it...

Still, this Goosebumps entry like the rest does offer some fun. In fact, it may have more interesting situations being that instead of taking place a suburb over several days it all takes place in one afternoon. An afternoon at an amusement park at that! Still he could have gotten a tad more inventive than "Slide of Doom" and "Bat Barn."


As usual though, the topic staring me in the face is the ending. I wonder what 9 year old me would think of this ending. I have to admit, the Monster TV idea is kind of clever. The pinching however? Seriously? Pinching? It makes the Wicked Witch of the West look like a badass by comparison for being thwarted by a hefty bucket of water. And why deflating? Are the monsters full of air? Could you pop them? How do they have mass enough to push the kids around? Could you use them as a floatation device in case of emergency? Am I thinking about this too much? Yes. Still, why pinching? For God's sake, WHY PINCHING?

In conclusion typical depth-less characters, fun romp through exciting spooky amusement situations, and really dumb ending. Also, someone tried to scream but couldn't. Goosebump book achieved.

Raiting: 3 out of 5 spooooooky ferris wheels (with extra spookiness)

Up Next:

Why I'm Afraid of Bees. It is a strong contender for my least favorite Goosebumps cover ever. You'll see. The little I remember is that his neighbor is a bee farmer, and somehow he turns into a bee. Will there be an homage to classic horror movie, and horror movie remake The Fly? I don't know, because I haven't seen either of those movies. Catch ya on the next blog!

#15 You Can't Scare Me

Judging a book by its cover:

I remember thinking it at the time I first saw the book and I still think it now, the monsters in the cover
reminds me of swamp thing. Perhaps they're more mud based, whereas swamp thing was a little more plant based. Still, a mucky humanoid emerging from a foggy marsh... easy to make that connection. Also the border color really fits well with the illustration. I feel like that rarely happens. They are usually kind of arbitrary but this one almost feels like they picked it purposely. Impressive!

The taglines are a let down. On front we have the super generic, "They're coming for you..." On back we have the also generic "It's gonna be a scream!" Couldn't come up with a single mud monster related pun? For shame!

Some things specific to my copy of the book (which I didn't take a picture of because my camera is still broken) The cover is pretty torn in one corner and taped up. Also my name is written on the inside. This is evidence that I actually brought it to school. I am pretty sure this is one of the first Goosebumps I ever read. The books got beaten up more at school because you got like, 10 minutes of reading time then you had to jam it back in your desk. Then it gets all bent up when you are shoving math books and such in it. Eventually teachers frowned on you reading these, and encouraged you to read "real" books. But for awhile these were good to go and earned you cred with teachers. It's interesting to note that my signature looked way more legible back then. Let us go back to that time, and experience the horror I undoubtedly felt reading this in... SECOND GRAD OR THIRD GRADE!

Getting Goosebumps:

The sixth grade was on a class field trip in Green Forest to observe flora and fauna. "Main character" Eddie, and "sidekick" Hat (yes Hat because he wears a hat...) are joking around with friends Molly and Charlene. Courtney and Denise are the class suck ups, walking around being very serious about the field trip. They find, (or claim to find) a whole slew of animals. All Eddie manages to find is a little green snake that scares the living crap out of him. Courtney finds it hilarious and makes fun of him the rest of the trip.

At the end of the trip she actually manages to have bees calmly walk around her hands, as everyone watches. Then, in a total bitch move she throws the bees at Eddie and Hat. Needless to say, they immediately scheme with Molly and Charlene to get back her. Their plan of action is to hide a large rubber snake in her lunch bag. How could it fail? Well the teacher forgets his lunch and Courtney offers to share hers. Mr. Melvin was the one to open it and get startled by the snake. Courtney, however, valiantly stomped the fake snake in half. Molly's brother, the owner of the rubber snake, is gonna be pissed!

Next car on the humiliation train for Eddie was a woman desperately trying to get someone to rescue her cat from a tree. Eddie is scared of heights though. Not even Hat egging him on could get him to do it. So just as the woman was ready to call the fire department, Bitch Courtney showed up and rescued the cat all by herself. She also accused Eddie of planting the snake. They need a better plan.

Plan B is to take the science lab's tarantula and drop it on Courtney's head from the balcony in the gym. Easy plan. First Eddie and Hat sneak into the science lab at the end of school. The teacher's not there, so they get to kidnapping the tarantula. Unfortunately they forgot to bring something to put it in. Lucky for them there is a plastic container in the room, so they poke some holes in it and get to kidnapping. Then there here footsteps outside, the teacher is coming back! They decide to hide in the supply closet. It's dark and cramped. Luckily the teacher just comes in to flick off the lights and leave. Unluckily they can't find the latch to open up the closet from the inside. They fumble around and the tarantula gets out of its container. It starts crawling up Eddie's leg and he freaks. Finally they escape the cabinet and recapture the spider. Next morning comes time for the prank. Molly and Charlene are the ones to lure Courtney to the right spot. Hat is the one to drop the tarantula and it lands *plunk* right on Molly's head. Whoops! Wrong person! She doesn't take it so well, and after hysterically flailing she throws it at Charlene. Charlene also freaks, and it takes Courtney to calmly, smugly, deal with the tarantula. The gym teacher then deals with Eddie and Hat, but making sure they clean out the science lab for the next 2 weeks, and write an essay on why it's not ok to steal animals and drop them on people's heads.

Time to go back to the drawing board. Eddie consults his brother. His brother has been shooting a video with his high school friends about a local legend of mud monsters. It's a horror film and he made awesome scary mud monster costumes for it. He suggests Eddie think bigger. Perhaps a giant scary dog. Charlene's dog Buttercup fits the bill. He's a big lovable St. Bernard, but when you whistle he gets angry and growls. Eddie even gets shaving cream to put on its mouth so it looks rabid. Buttercup, however, gets distracted by a squirrel and runs off. Charlene's distraught and they break up to look for him. Eddie gets lost, and a giant black monster dog lunges at him. Its terrifying, but Hat comes and manages to scare it away. When they finally decide to head back home and see if Buttercup wound up there, they see Courtney standing with Buttercup and the giant monster dog trying to see if she could find their owners. That's when Eddie decides there is no scaring Courtney.

It turns out that Courtney is actually the one to give them their final idea to scare her. Apparently she believes in monsters, like the one in Loch Ness, and Bigfoot. If she believes in monsters, maybe she'll be scared by the mud monsters appearing at night. Eddie's brother gets convinced to help by getting a servant for the month. Molly is the one to call and get Courtney to show up by the woods. When they get there it turns out even Denise is there and they have a video camera! All they need to do is wait for Eddie's brother and crew to show up as the mud men. Finally they start groaning and emerging from the woods but Courtney is looking the wrong way. After waiting moments to see Courtney freak out, Eddie's brother REALLY shows up. And more and more mud monsters come out of the woods. Courtney finally notices, and then everyone freaks out and runs away.

Things didn't turn out as expected. Eddie and his friends are uneasy all the time now. They are nervous and don't really leave the house. On the other hand Courtney is bragging to everyone she knows about how she finally saw a real live monster, and can prove they exist. Eddie would like to finally frighten her, but he is just too scared.

What I thought:

This book was kind of unique. The actual scary element of the book didn't present itself until the very last chapter. All of it was centered around the main characters trying to scare Courtney. While that's interesting to read about, it isn't particularly scary to the reader. It had to rely on other scares. False scares that Stine seems to overuse like people coming from behind with cold hands. Also, things like the "monster dog" that was pretty unrelated to anything. The mud monsters were only talked about a little, the brother doing the movie on them. It wasn't until one of the final chapters that the legend is really discussed, and it isn't until the very final chapter that they actually appear.

That being said, I kind of liked it. It felt a little different than other Goosebumps. As the scary elements aren't particularly scary anyway, so it's fun to see this kids go to such lengths to try and startle smug ol' Courtney. I was really rooting for him. scaring friends certainly has been presented in Goosebumps before but making it the focal point was entertaining.

I feel like I should be taking a tally of things that appear over and over again in Goosebumps. Kid with a stupid nickname? Check! Silly 90's clothing details? Check! Trying to scream but no sound coming out? Checkeroony! The last one really is wearing thin. If I'm sick of it now, how will I feel at book 40, 50? We shall see I guess.

Rating: 3 out of 5 mud men

Up Next:

One Day at Horrorland! After Escape From the Carnival of Horrors I'm looking forward to this book. An amusement park presents a lot of possibilities. I believe the newest Goosebumps series is actually based in Horrorland, so in a way I guess this book spawned the most sequels? What happening at the beginning of it all? We'll see next time.

Give Yourself Goosebumps #1: Escape From the Carnival of Horrors

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Goosebumps post to bring you a "special" Halloween one. Instead of doing the next book of the regular series I bring you Give Yourself Goosebumps #1: Escape From the Carnival of Horrors. The Give Yourself Goosebumps series were Choose Your Adventure style books.

If you don't know what those are, why are you reading this blog? You grew up in the wrong generation! To explain it simply, at the end of pages, it would give you a choice. If you want to enter the cellar turn to page 8, if you want to go to the attic, turn to page 27. Usually 90% of the endings were bad and involve you never being seen or heard from again. Then there is usually one ok ending where you make it out alive but barely. And usually there is about 1 "good" ending where things turn out just peachy.

This presents a moderate difficulty in writing synopsis and reviews. Do I read all 20-30 endings? No. I am far too lazy, and that doesn't present an interesting narrative. I have decided I am going to read through exactly 3 plots. Whatever happens I will report back to you... But first...

Judging a Book By Its Cover

 

The first thing you'd notice about this book if you actually held it in your hands is that it is SHINY! It's hard to tell from the photo of it, but it has that special stuff that makes it reflect like all cool... I forget what you call it, but it shows different colors at different angles. Nifty.

The second thing you'd notice of course would be the gnarly purple gator breaking out of its cage. Why purple? Is green not scary enough? Is Barney more terrifying than Godzilla? Well... kind of, but for entirely different reasons.

There is no tagline on the front, which is kind of a bummer. The back of the book isn't actually shiny. It is normal Goosebumps style dual color ooze. I suppose since it has the text blurb about the book it couldn't really be sparkly. It does have one tagline on back. "Take a ride if you dare...." Oh, I dare. Lets get to it. Reader Beware, I Choose The Scare!

Getting Goosebumps

Attempt 1:

It's in the first person, and I am the first person. My best friends Patty and Brad have been arguing since the start of summer vacation. We are all bored. Perhaps we should bike over to where they are setting up the carnival! Of course last year they had the Terror Track which wound up being a kid's train. Patty, however, being bossy makes the decision for us. We're going. When we get there it's all locked up. Do we break in or chicken out and Go Home.

GO HOME, PAGE 10: What's wrong with me. If I went home now the narrative that is my life would be over! That's lame. I get no more illusion of choice, I am climbing that damn fence and breaking in. (Yes seriously, this is what the page was like.)

COMMIT BREAKING AND ENTERING, PAGE 6: We hop the fence and though there is still the kiddy train, there is also pretty awesome stuff like a rocket coaster and arcade games. While gawking at a sign for a freak show a man comes up from behind us telling us we aren't supposed to be there. Uh oh! It's Big Al the owner, but instead of kicking us out he wants us to test out the stuff in the park. That doesn't seem suspicious at all! But do I wanna check out the rides or the midway?

STRAIGHT TO THE RIDES, YO!, PAGE 34: On the one hand there is a giant-ass roller coaster with cars that look like shuttles and the tracks go almost up the clouds it seems! That's what Brad and Patty are doing. Of course, behind me there is organ music coming from the Little House of Horrors and I do love me some haunted houses...

TO THE COASTER I SAY! PAGE 26: It's pretty sweet. It goes hella fast, and loops and all kinds of crap. However, it stops dead, and my friends Brad and Patty are gone. Do I sit here and wait for help? or perhaps I should hop out of the car..

I PLAY IT CAUTIOUS AND WAIT FOR HELP, PAGE 92: I wait for 15 minutes then start to feel... strange... like someone is watching me. Then there is rustling and strange smells... I feel sick. I can't move. 2 guys come in and say the perfume worked and haul me off to be a real life display for the park. Next time I'll know better! Or will I? Because there wont be a next time! This is... THE END? (or is it? mwahahaha)

Attempt 2

Once again my friends and I are bored, we go to the carnival and I don't fight the urge to break in this time. Big Al shows up and lets us have free reign. Rides, or Midway?

AWW YEAH, CHECKIN' OUT THE MIDWAY, PAGE 77: There is plenty of cool stuff here, but I'm drawn to the fortune teller. She reads my palms and says there is horror in my future. Sounds bad... Then she tells me to pick a card. Do I go red or blue?

WELL BLUE IS MY FAVORITE COLOR... PAGE 59 (Hah it actually says blue is my favorite color when I turned the page.) The card says the freaks at the freak show are in trouble and I'm their only hope! When I inquire what this is all about the lights go out with a scream and the fortune teller is gone. When I try to grab the card it bursts in to flame. Do I keep going along with this and help the freaks, or do I say screw em?

I CAN'T RESIST HELPING FREAKS, PAGE 11: I race to tell Brad and Patty about my predicament. They're in. We race to the freak show. The door says KEEP OUT, so naturally we bust in. Turns out they are slaves in a prison, and Big Al is the freaks' master and he is just about to show up. Do I stay and give em

him a stern lecture or should we book it down the hall?

I'M NO FOOL, GET OUTTA THERE! PAGE 48: We get outta there, but escape right into a reptile petting zoo. What a messed up idea! Some of the snakes are coming to try and cuddle us. We need to get out of here. Should we go left or right?

RIGHT SEEMS RIGHT, PAGE 12: We book it like mad, but then there is a crashing sound behind us. Then on the sides of us. Then in front of us. We're trapped. It is then that we here a voice welcoming us to the reptile petting zoo. The alligator, it seems, has been lonely. And we are its new pets. THE END (or is it!?)

Attempt 3

Yadda yadda yadda bored, go to carnival. Blah blah blah break in, Big Al. Rides or Midway?

RIDES, PAGE 34: Coaster like before? Or Haunted House?

HAUNTED HOUSE! PAGE 64: So I ditch Brad and Patty and head off to the Little House of Horrors. There is a rickety bridge to get there. It sways and creaks and as a thunder bolt of lightning (very very frightening) goes off I fall. Do I try and grab at the bridge or do I flap my arms like a bird (that is seriously an option.)

I FLAP MY ARMS BECAUSE THAT IS TOO RIDICULOUS TO PASS UP, PAGE 30:

Well I can't think of anything else to do so I flap my arms like a bird. Just then a big gust of air comes up under me and blows me back up onto the bridge. No shit? What are the odds! I go to the haunted house and look back at the void I almost fell into. The bridge is gone. Cool special affects! It's not like I almost died or something. I notice at the Little House of Horrors there is also the Boat Trip to Nowhere. Do I get side tracked to no where or do I stick with the haunted house?

SCREW GOING NOWHERE, ON TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE! PAGE 66: Near the entrance a skeleton taps me on the back and tells me if I go in I'll wind up like him. Awesome! Inside its totally dark. I can't even see my hands. I stumble around... Finally I find myself in a house of mirrors! Do I go left or right?

RIGHT WONT FAIL ME AGAIN, PAGE 29: I go to my right, and get frustrated. Punching the wall seems like a good idea after staring at all these images of me. After I do so the walls start closing in on me. Literally. Right when it seems like I'm about to be crushed the floor falls out from under me and I'm caught in a net to someone declaring that a new player has entered. A short creepy man and some 7 foot tall beastly monsters great me. Apparently he is "Dr. Frank-N-Stone" which has got to be the worst name I've ever heard. I sounds like a Flintstones villain. Anyway, he is the one who created the Carnival of Horrors. Do I kick him and try and escape? Or do I wait for the hulking monsters to leave first.

KICK HIM AND TAKE MY CHANCES, 79: I kick him, but nothing happens! I kick him harder and my foot busts through him... to... metal. He's a robot!? Awesome, I deactivated him but now those creatures are after me.One of them pins me up against the wall and I give its head a shove. The head comes off. It was a robot too! Now one left... but is it also a robot? Or do I think he's a real monster...

ONE OF EM'S GOTTA BE A REAL MONSTER, PAGE 110, Well I was right that it wasn't a robot. It wasn't however, a monster. It's Big Al and he thinks what I've got what it takes to be in the Carnival of Horrors. I however, am not a fan of that idea. He assures me that I can't leave. We go into the next room and people in old timey clothes welcome me to the Carnival of Horrors. It appears in different places each night and tonight it was in my town, and there is no getting out... or is there? Apparently if I can escape before midnight, I'm ok. But it's 11:40 and the floor has started to shake... Suddenly I appear outside with my friends again. I tell them we've gotta be out before midnight. Patty says the exit is by the Hall of the Mountain King. Brad says its by the Halloween express.

ITS HALLOWEEN SO I SAY HALLOWEEN EXPRESS, PAGE 108: We head that away, then hop into some cars and drive off. A skeleton comes out at us and we drive by. Then there are zombies and ghostly figures. We should jump out and run! But am I able to?

I'LL BE HONEST, NO... I CAN'T, PAGE 127: Well it doesn't matter, I crash through the ghost! Take that! But now we have to hide from the Carnival folk. Do we all hide in the cannon, or in the kiddy choo-choo train!

I CHOO CHOO CHOOSE YOU! Page 128 It starts chiming to 12. I however notice the train is called Right Way Railroad. There is only one RIGHT WAY out... Could I be right? We go through a tunnel and once through we see Carnival Workers everywhere... Regular, run of the mill carnival workers. At the same rinky-dink tiny Carnival we have every year. No monsters or zombies anywhere. This carnival just has baby games and lame food stands. It's he greatest carnival ever. Whew.

What I thought

Woohoo I survived! Rarely do I survive these things, and I swear to gosh I didn't even cheat by looking ahead. The choo choo always gets you where you wanna go. Ultimately each of my ventures whether I survived or not was fairly long in terms of these books. I was pleasantly surprised.

Yes, this was far more enjoyable than I remember these things. I recall dying every other page. Maybe I just got lucky and got some longer strains, or maybe perhaps maybe RL Stine did an ok job with this? I guess limiting myself to 3 attempts helped make it more enjoyable. A common ploy of people who read these is to keep a finger on pages with choices so you can go back and do the other if you fail. That's not really that fun, however it does help if your only goal is to see every ending. And if you own it you probably do want to see every ending.

It would have been nice to get a little bit of characterization. I know I was the main character, but it seems like you ditch your friends a lot. They were pretty much irrelevant characters. They were there so I wouldn't be alone... but I was alone most of the time. What's the point?

Ultimately the strength of this book came from the setting. There are a lot of things to do in a Carnival and I got the opportunity to do a lot of them. Roller coasters, haunted houses, fortune tellers. Good stuff. If only I could have had some ghostly food. Perhaps an I SCREAM cone, or uhh... Hell I dunno.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Corn Dogs

Up Next!

Next time we we'll be back to to your regularly schedule classic Goosebumps. I just did this special for Halloween because I only have a few of the Choose your Own Goosebumps series, and I don't know when I should review them. I doubt I'll go out and get them all, so I'll just throw them into the mix every now and again. Hope you enjoyed it. Happy Halloween!

#14 The Werewolf of Fever Swamp

Judging a Book by Its Cover:

The Werewolf of Fever Swamp. I'm not entirely sure why it's called Fever swamp but I'm guessing the neon green water has something to do with it. The wolf itself, howling in the moon light, looks like something you might find on a t-shirt. The clothes on the ground beside the wolf, suggest that a young boy turned into the creature... but then wouldn't the wolf be wearing the clothes? Maybe it ate the kid in the clothes but then they would be blood soaked. I guess that wouldn't make for a very kid friendly cover.

The taglines both relate to Little Red Riding Hood. On the front it says "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?" while on back it says "What big teeth you have!" Sort of predictable, but I guess at least it fits. It's neither particularly clever, nor particularly groan worthy. In all, C+. Now lets get to reading!

Getting Goosebumps

As is the case with many Goosebumps characters Grady and his family recently moved to a new house. His parents are scientists that moved to Florida in order to preform tests with South American "Swamp Deer." I believe there exists in real life, a "Marsh Deer" from South America, but I don't know about any Swamp Deer. Plus these deer have webbed feet. I don't know about that... Regardless, releasing a non native species into an ecosystem always proves to turn out well. Just ask Australia about cane toads. They love those things!

Well Grady and older sister Emily decide to go out exploring the swamp together. They see swampy things, like cranes, and peat bogs. Then they promptly get lost. Using the tried and true method of wandering around aimlessly, they eventually stumble upon a ramshackle hut, and knock on the door asking for someone to help. A weird old hermit comes out and scares the kids shitless, purely by virtue of being a creepy hermit. Come on kids, who do you think is going to answer the door of a swamp shack? They decide to run away instead of getting directions home. It does seem to work though, they found their way back and inform their parents of the hermit situation. Dad says the people in town say Mr. Hermit is perfectly safe, just... hermity. Sounds reasonable.

The hermit wasn't the only person Grady met that day. He also Will, a neighbor kid the same age as Grady. He lets him know why the swamp is called Fever Swamp. Apparently over 100 years ago, a bunch of people come down with a horrible fever that killed a lot of them, and the rest started acting strange. They'd wander around in circles and mutter gibberish. That night as Grady goes in to watch a Shark program on the Discover Channel, he feels as though he is coming down with a fever...

Grady tries to sleep, but wakes up hearing terrible howling. He goes into the kitchen to investigate, and bumps into her sister who hears the same thing. She asserts that it must be wolves, but that's ridiculous! Wolves don't live in the swamp! That's almost as ludicrous as... swamp deer... wait... Anyway, there is a scratching at the door. When Grady works up the courage to open the door and check it out, there is nothing there. Back at sleep, he has dreams of being chased before being sucked into a peat bog.

The next morning, Grady gets mauled by a terrible beast as he exits the house! It tackles him and licks his face. Turns out, it's a dog. A really big, wolf looking dog. They name it Wolf, because ya know, screw creativity. The kids want to adopt it, but the parents are not so down with that plan.

Grady goes off with Will to explore the bog and both get startled when Wolf decides to join them. They go off to the peat bog and Wolf starts to growl. The creepy hermit wanders by, with stains that look like blood on his shirt. He leaves the kids alone, and the kids hypothesize the origin of the stains. Later on their adventure they discover a heron that had been torn to shreds. Immediately Will condemns the hermit. Can't a guy just live by himself in a shack covered with blood and not arouse suspicion? Jeeze! Grady on the other hand thinks a wild animal is the culprit, because there were paw marks. They take wolf away, without even considering that the mysterious giant dog could have been the culprit.

Wolf's first night sleeping inside doesn't go well. Everyone is woken up in the middle of the night as the dog crashes into lamps and windows, frantically trying to get outside. The parents decide that perhaps Wolf should be an outside dog. He happily goes outside and they go back to sleep... for awhile. Then there is that loud howling again. In the morning they find a rabbit torn to shred on their lawn. Emily thinks its wolf, but Grady refuses to believe.

One day Grady and Will go out exploring. Neighbor girl Cassie comes upon them, and they start talking about how a neighbor man is missing. Apparently it was the work of a werewolf. Will teases Cassie for this notion. Grady doesn't seem to know what to think. Suddenly Cassie points out the werewolf. Grady thinks she is pointing at Wolf, but really it's the swamp hermit. He apparently overhears them because he jumps out at them yelling "I'm the werewolf" and laughing. The kids apparently think that this is standard werewolf behavior and run away. Grady, however, trips and falls. The hermit leers over him, then assures him he was just kidding around. On the way back home Grady thinks about Wolf, and the hermit, and werewolves but then gets attacked by a much more tangible threat: a snake.Unfortunately Fortunately it wasn't venomous.

The howling at night keeps happening. One morning they discover a slaughtered swamp deer, and dad decides wolf is the culprit because there are paw prints by the corpse. Apparently lots of other animals in the area have been killed, and the neighbor is still missing. Wolf gets all the blame. Grady is distraught and gets Wolf to run away before his dad can take him to the pound. Next night the howling comes back and Grady decides to follow Wolf and investigate. Which is sensible, when something is accused of slaughtering countless large animals the best course of action is to follow it into the dark wilderness. Apparently Will had a similar idea of going out in the swamp to investigate the howling of a killer beast. Smart.

Somehow they get split up and Grady becomes concerned. He happens upon the hermit shack, and hears the terrifying howling. It must be the hermit! He is the werewolf! Suddenly Grady gets attacked by a creature. It's Will. With a furry face! A teenwolf!? I thought those only did slam dunks and van surfing! But its true, Will is the werewolf, and he bites Grady in a fury. Luckily Wolf arrives and chases him off. Later when Grady's parents are helping heal him, Grady tells him about what happened. Dad is skeptical but goes over to Will's house to investigate. Turns out, it doesn't look like anyone has lived there in months. Strange. Oh well. Grady still has a friend in Cassie, plus he gets to keep Wolf. That is lucky, because on full moons when his face sprouts fur, he has a companion to go out hunting in the swamp with...

What I Thought

Sometimes I wonder what the ratio of Goosebumps kids with scientist parents is. Maybe I should have been keeping track. It seems like a lot of them. Ultimately however, the scientist part wasn't very relevant to the plot. It just set up a reason for them to have moved to the swamp, and a reason for them to be skeptical of werewolves as if being a rational human being wasn't reason enough. Moving into a new house is kind of an overdone thing for these books already. I mean, I get that there is a bit of eeriness and uncertainty to a new house, or from new situations but it's getting old and I'm only 14 books in.

On the other hand, some things still amuse me even though they are frequently done. All the touches of 90'sness entertain me. It seems like at least 2/3rds of the kids in these books own a Nintendo... which is probably fairly accurate to the time. Still, you'd think at least one of them would own a Sega. Also some of the clothing seems amusingly unfashionable. Will apparently wore lycra shorts. What 12 year old boy wore lyrca shorts, even in the 90's?

So lets get to the plot. There was a decent amount of mystery surrounding who the culprit was. The two obvious contenders were the hermit and Wolf. Both were too obvious, and I'm happy it was neither. It could have also been Grady, but that would have made far too little sense with how things were going. Having it be Will worked out, because he seemed like a perfectly normal kid, who was reasonably skeptical of werewolves. If he got legitimately upset about them, then it would have been all too obvious. So ultimately this book ends up being above average in terms of Goosebumps because it doesn't end ridiculously. I mean, I guess the twist of Grady going on as a werewolf is sort of silly, but it is a thing Stine really likes to do. It's an ending straight out of cheesy horror movies gunning for a sequel. Except that Stine almost never actually follows them up.Ultimately it just shows that these characters are not really meant to be meaningful people emotionally invested in. They are just props for a tale to be told. I guess you shouldn't really expect more from these books.

Rating: 3 out of 5 werewolves

Up Next!

The next book in the series is You Can't Scare Me! I like titles with exclamation points! Now there are 2 things I know about this book.

1) It is one of , if not the very first Goosebumps book I ever read.

2) I don't remember any bit of it at all.

Will I remember things as I read it? We shall see! Catch ya next time.

#13 Piano Lessons Can be Murder

Judging a book by its cover:

If I was going to guess the plot of the book by looking at the cover I could only assume it was about Thing from The Addams Family finding his long lost brother and them becoming world renown pianists. Also assassins. Pianist assassins. Wait, no, that makes them sound like they kill pianists...

Regardless, on the cover we have disembodied hands tickling the ivories. The tagline reads "Play it again, hands!" I assume this is a reference to "Play it again, Sam" from the movie Casablanca. This is great for two reasons. 1) They never actually said it in Casablanca. It's one of the world's most popular misquotes. This makes it so you can't get sued, brilliant! 2) Kids just LOVE Casablanca. I'm sure all of them get the reference perfectly and chuckled heartily.

There is another cover to this book. While I'm not sure which edition it comes on, this cover came up with googling and all I can say is... What the eff? Pedophile cyborg man in a weird trippy background? I honestly have no idea what is going on. I think if I had come across this book with this cover as a kid I would have hesitated to buy it. I guess on the plus side it is genuinely creepy... It gives me the heeby jeebies.

Anyway lets move on. I am predicting either there will be a haunted piano or a scary piano teacher. Possibly both. Will that be what happens? Lets check it out!


Getting Goosebumps:

This book's star tween character is Jerry who is just moving into a new house with his parents. He starts things out by scaring them into believing some dust balls were really mice. It seems like every Goosebumps book has to have a character that loves scaring or playing tricks. I guess it's a really simple way to make sure people don't believe it when something genuinely scary happens... as if you need a reason not to believe super natural things are happening.

Anyway one thing that is set up that may be intricate to the plot is Jerry's cat Bonkers. He hates it, because it always lunges at him and claws him. I feel like maybe the Bonkers will end up clawing the bad guy or something. Maybe it's just a red herring. I bet cats love red herring.

More certainly intricate to the plot is the piano Jerry and his dad discover in the attic. It's a good quality piano which makes it a mystery as to why it got left behind. The first night in the new house Jerry hears sad piano music from the attic but when he goes upstairs no one is there. He plonks a few keys himself, waking up his dad who then suggests piano lessons. Jerry thinks it might be cool. He could get some synthesizers, and maybe compose music and make it big with a rock band. Jerry thinks big, and that is actually some pretty good character description that makes him feel slightly different than all the other generic Goosebumps stars. I'll take what I can get.

The potential villain of this book is Dr. Shreek, Jerry's piano teacher. He was the only one advertising piano lessons in the news paper which is as solid of credentials as anyone needs. Despite having a "spooky" name, his looks are likened to that of jolly old Santa Claus. At first they just have a short lesson so he can meet Jerry. He compliments his hands, which is slightly weird but hey, he's a pianist!

The next lesson doesn't go as well. Dr. Shreek keeps going on and on about Jerry's hands. They are alive! Each finger is alive! Move them faster! He keeps playing the same song faster and faster, his hands going out of control. It, of course, is a dream.

Nightmares aside, Jerry also has to deal with the spooky piano music at night. On night he goes down there to check it out and is tackled by Bonkers the cat which wakes up and pisses off his parents. The next time he investigates he sees the ghost of a woman who tells him to stay away from her piano. His parents think that perhaps instead he should stay near a psychiatrist.

Eventually Jerry has a real second lesson with Dr. Shreek, who keeps up his hand fetish. Apparently Jerry's hands are good enough to get into Shreek's piano school for lessons. When Jerry shows up for his lesson at the school he discovers its in a creepy old building at the end of town. Inside he comes across a creepy floor sweeping robot made by Mr. Toggle the janitor who shares Shreek's hand fetish. The lesson itself goes well but the hand comments continue. Also, when Jerry gets home his parents demand a demonstration of what he learned. Instead the ghost bangs the hell out of some piano keys and his parents thing its him. Isn't having a haunted piano the worst?

Back at school Mr. Toggle shows Jerry a bunch of his inventions. He has stuff like big robots, surveillance monitors, and interesting musical instruments powered by air compression. Also, there is a desk drawer murmuring help me. Never to worry though, he's got Toggle's assurance it's just some damaged equipment.

To further the schools reputation, later Jerry runs into a girl from school who shares lots of stories about Shreek's school. Apparently there are bizarre monsters in the basement. On top of that, there are kids who have gone there and never returned. You'd think someone would report them to the Better Business Bureau.

Another night of piano music has Jerry freaking out and needing to investigate one more time. The ghost reveals bloody arm stumps and tells him the stories about the school are true. His parents find him absolutely freaking out, screaming at the top of his lungs. He tells them he wants nothing to do with the piano. This is ok with them he just has to have his one very last lesson because ya know, they already paid for it. This is what we call good parenting. If your kid is freaking out about pianos to the extent that he screams bloody murder about them in the night and needs professional therapy about them, hey why not send him to one last lesson?

When Jerry lets Dr. Shreek know its his last lesson, the good doctor flips his shit. He asserts that he needs Jerry's hands, and chases him around the school. Eventually they end up in the auditorium where thunderous piano playing can be heard. Pianos are all over each with an instructor and a pair of disembodied hands playing. Finally Mr. Toggle comes in and saves the day by deactivating Dr. Shreek. Yes, Dr. Shreek is a robot, and the whole school is filled with Toggles creations. There is only 1 problem. Mr. Toggle can't make hands. He can however cut off kids' hands and use computers to control them. All this hand harvesting is for 1 purpose. Good music. The only thing wrong with piano music is human error. Why he doesn't just have a computer generate music instead going to the trouble of hand stealing? Who knows.

Anyway, guess who shows up to save the day. Go on, guess. THE GHOST. Ghost lady shows up stumps and all and summons all the other piano person ghosts. They take their hands back and carry Mr. Toggle off. He's never seen or heard from again. The end.

What I thought:

First thoughts, "well that's odd." I guess that's probably the reaction he was going for. These books are supposed to be odd, but still... It seems like a genius that can build a legion of intelligent robots would have loftier goals than harvesting human hands. Where does he get his funding anyway? It can't be from piano lessons because they only seem to have a couple before the harvest takes place. For that matter, why is no one investigating all the missing children? This novel is pretty dark when you think about it. Mr. Toggle has murdered dozens, perhaps hundreds of people and reanimated their hands. What is he doing with the corpses? Why is a children's book making me ask these questions?

So I always do this, I read til the end and then just want to talk about the end when it's over. Lets discuss some other things, like Jerry. There is some good characterization to Jerry. He always likes to think big. When they move into the house he imagines each room in the perfect state as he sees it. Big tvs, work out equipment, whatever it takes. When he started piano lessons he immediately starts imaging himself in a grander and grander state like starting a band, composing music, being a rock god. This trait is unlike Goosebump characters I remember so far and makes him unique. It is also a pretty accurate depiction of a kid. I think a lot of kids think this way. In fact one thing Stine does well is pander to kids. The plot of moving to a new house is something a whole lot of kids can relate to. Something spooky about the new place is something kids can probably relate to as well. A robot piano teacher that wants to cut off your hands is something kids can probably relate to too, right?

Of course there are a lot of things about Jerry that aren't unique. He is 12. Pretty much every character is 11, 12, or 13. I suppose that makes sense as it is kind of the age his readers are. Probably even slightly older which is wise. Kids like reading about people they can relate to but look up to. Also in the not unique column is Jerry's love of the practical joke. It seems like in every book there is one jokester who scares people for kicks. It's an over-used device that is used to conjure up false scares. It also makes it so there is a reason for people not to believe them. Ya know, because it's hard to find a reason not to believe in piano ghosts.

I was kind of surprised at how I remembered exactly 0% of this book. Usually as I'm reading things that happen later on in the book start coming back to me. Not in this book. I can predict what happens based on my knowledge of Goosebumps but actual memories are sparse. I suppose this isn't the most memorable book in the series though. Overall, it's an acceptable but forgettable Goosebumps book.

My rating: 2 1/2 hands out of 5

Up Next!

The Werewolf of Fever Swamp is next up on the list. I am actually pretty interested to see RL Stine's take on werewolves. I know there are at least a couple werewolf books and this is his first. Will there be full moons and silver bullets? Check back next time, same Goosebump's time, same Goosebumps channel.