Give Yourself Goosebumps #16 Secret Agent Grandma

Judging a Book by its Cover

First impressions? This cover is not so...uh... good. The quality just seems poor compared to the illustrations from the main series. I wondered why this was and then noticed that the signature for the book is for "Nagata" where as those in the main series of Goosebumps are all done by a "T. Jacobus." I guess this Nagata just isn't as good? I mean, I like the concept of a gross alien monster thing popping out of a Grandma suit but it just looks bad. I suppose it could look crumby because it's a disguise so the human part looks bad but like... the feet look off. It just doesn't look right. Though really it's not like the alien looks much better. The mouth is kinda coming out at an angle but it looks like the head is sort of looking the other way? And the tongue is just sort of sticking out to the side like Miley Cyrus or something? It seems like it should be going out, not to the side. I'm no artist, I feel like a bit of a dick for criticizing it but it really doesn't seem to be up to Goosebumps standards. Basically I give it a B+ for concept and a D for execution.

There is no front tagline for these books. It just lets us know that there are over 20 scary endings and that you should watch the Goosebumps TV Show. On the back it says "Will the real grandma please stay alive!" I assume it is based on "Will the real ______ please stand up" which may be best recognized by people in my generation as a line from a Eminem song but I am pretty sure was originated on an old game show from the 50s called To Tell the Truth. I feel like A) it's not a strong enough line to go on and 2) It deviates too much from its source (assuming that is the source.) If it would have made sense to say "will the real grandma please stand up?" I think it would work, but the changes hurt it.

Anyway, I'm doing this one special for October, the spookiest month. This is a "Give Yourself Goosebumps" book, so unlike the regular series this one gives you options every so often that you can have multiple stories from 1 book. I'm not going to go through all 20ish possible endings, that would take forever. I'm just going to read it a couple times taking different options and see where that takes me. Hopefully it's interesting!

Getting Goosebumps

Attempt 1

My parents are leaving for the weekend and have instructed me to take a cab to the train station to meet my quirky 75 year old grandmother. When I get there a call for your comes over the loudspeaker for me. There is a call for me but it keeps breaking up so it's hard to tell. I did make out the words "home immediately" and "danger grandmother." Is granny in danger? Do I go home? Do I try and find her?

GRANNY! I'M COMING! Naturally I'm going to try and find her. A train comes into the station and I"m on the look out for her distinctive yellow pants and purple shirt like on the shitty cover. Suddenly my friends Chuck and Ginny show up. They are off to a hockey games, and I gotta waste my time trying to find my grandmother, oh man. Just then I hear a sound that makes me blood run cold. The sound of my dearest grandmama calling me "Cookie." But wait, what's this? A message scrawled on the train window. It says "Empleh empleh" which is helpme helpme spelled backwards! Then there is a woman who looks just like Grandma inside being accosted by two men in trench coats. Do I try and rescue the possible grandma on the train or do I go with the one who greeted me?

Well I'm pretty sure I know my grandma! And she is the one who greeted me and called me Cookie. We get into the cab and while I'm talking about myself she demands to know about the rose garden. It turns out that she used to live there and planted the eggs herself. Wait, did she say eggs? She must have meant seeds, how silly. She planted them by the light of shooting stars... which seems slightly odd. She seems really intent on seeing them though. We get to the house and the cabbie tries getting the bags out but he is having trouble lifting them. Odd, an old lady carried them just fine. I wonder what is in them? Should I check?

Nah, I'm no snoop! Grandma still seems excited by the flowers. You know, it seems strange, this year they are all over and in some funny colors. Oh hey, some of my other friends are here. Grandma seems interested in seeing them but first she has to freshen up. So I go inside and have some brownies. There is a newspaper article about a meteor shower tonight. Turns out one landed in my yard 15 years ago! Weird. We decide to go look and see if we can find any meteor fragments but grandma is out there. She isn't in her yellow and purple number either, she is in a silver jumpsuit. Seems odd... should I spy on her?

That seems unnecessary I'll just introduce her to my friends. The flowers seem really strange here. There is a green rose and I think it has eyes! And now tendrils are wrapping around me! It spits goo in my eyes. Now I don't have feet, I have roots! Wait what, seriously? That seems rather quick. Oh well. Apparently I am becoming a plant. Meanwhile granny is reciting poetry. What is she saying? "Roses are red, violets are blue, what you didn't know is the rose would be you!" Oh bother. Oh well, Guess I'm a plant now. That's what I get for trusting my grandmother!

Attempt 2

Blah blah parents gone blah blah train station blah blah phone call. This time however, instead of going to find my grandmother I am just gonna get the hell out of there! I run away and fall into a gross mess a garbage truck left behind. Crap.

Attempt 3

Yadda yadda pick up grandma yadda yadda train station blah blah ok I going to find my grandma this time. My real not turn me into a flower grandma. So I see the "empleh" message and see "other grandma" being attacked by men on a train. This time I'm going to jump on the train to save my REAL grandma dammit! I could look for help, but there is no time GRANNY IS IN TROUBLE! But before I can get to the rescue a train employee demands to see my ticket. I could explain why I'm hitching a ride but adults just don't understand these things.

Well then, I guess it is time to stall. Thankfully my friends Chuck and Ginny show up and bail me out. They claim I am with them and their mom will pay for my ticket when we get to the next station. Then I fill my friends in on my grandma. We go into a car that has a no entry sign. My grandma is tied up in there? But she seems unresponsive! Thankfully she is breathing though. There is a weird orange force-field around here. When Chuck checks it out he gets through back. Heh heh, "Chuck checks", that sounds funny. Anyway we all hide as the door slides open. It's the thugs, but they aren't thugs, they're a rock LOBSTER, Dun dun, dun dun, da da dada daaaaaaa ROCK LOBSTER. Ahem, I mean they are weird lizard monster people. We could try overpowering them...

I think we have a better chance if we wait for them to leave and then try to rescue grandma. The door opens again and in attempts to get a better view I knock over a mirror. Oops! Thankfully they seem to have left so no one heard. In a brilliant plan, we try to use the mirror to disable the force-field. But the lizard-man thugs are back! We'd better hurry. The mirror deflects the force-field beam into the thugs, disabling them! We need to escape with grandma! Escaping, we peep into the window of the next car and it is filled with thugs in over coats! And they have those creepy eyes! They know we are here! We could leap from the train but that seems dangerous...

Lets try waking up Grandma. Not only does she wake up but she informs us she is a secret agent tracking the "Mithra-Dithra" aliens. One must have impersonated her! And she has an assignment for us if we dare. Do we? You're god damned right we do! She is going to go after the impostor and she needs us to track the aliens on the train. What a responsible grandma, sending her grandchild after dangerous aliens. Only, turns out they aren't so dangerous. We show up in costume but all the aliens are doing is having a meeting to discuss galactic parking regulations and taxes. Oh well, at least I didn't turn into a plant.

What I Thought

It's hard to judge these books. They are inherently kind of unsatisfying. They boast over 20 endings, but 90% of them are lame. Still, Goosebumps lends itself fairly well to this style. They usually have cliffhangers every chapter so having one with every time you have to make a choice doesn't feel unusual. Also it feels like it gives him a chance to be really weird without having to worry about how good the plot is. You don't really need much of a plot, just twists and turns and boy does Stine like twists.

The other two books I've read from the Give Yourself Goosebumps line were Carnival of Horrors and Tick Tock your Dead. A horrifying amusement park, and time travel open up so many possibilities. Picking up your grandma on the other hand seems more limited. Sure it was taken in weird directions but it felt more like a stretch. It doesn't feel like it had the natural plethora of possibilities that come from a the better premises of those earlier books. That being said, the concept of your Grandma being anything other than a boring nice old lady is intriguing. Alien, secret agent, who knew Grandma got around so much!

Naturally, the longer the plot goes on the more satisfying the book feels. Having an abrupt end like in attempt 2 is nothing but disappointment. Of course as a kid I am sure I read until I got the best ending or maybe even read every single ending. As an adult I am sort of tempted to just read through once and let it be. I suppose reading it a couple times and leaving it at that is a nice compromise.

Basically, I'd just rather read 1 book with a decent plot rather than a book with 20 weak plots. It does give a chance for lots of twists, but it's ultimately unsatisfying. Still, as a diversion from the main series it's alright. I just don't think when people my age look fondly back at Goosebumps "Secret Agent Grandma" is one that is going to stand out in most people's mind.

Rating: 2 out of 5 grandmas

 

Up Next

There are 2 more things I want to cover in October, the spookiest month of the year. Firstly, I have seen the Goosebumps Movie starring Jack Black and while I won't do a total in depth coverage of it like I do for the books, I would like to do an entry talking about it. Also, I want to read a Goosebumps book especially for Halloween. Will I be motivated enough to do it? Maybe! Happy October everyone!

#16 One Day at Horrorland

Judging a Book by its Cover:

Look at that horny monster clutching the bloody sign. Is it part of the sign? Or is it an actual monster? Who knows! Also, why are dead trees so spooky? I suppose it's like a plant corpse. Imagine if these illustrations were littered with human corpses instead of tree corpses, now that would be scary. Anyway, presumably Horrorland is some fright based amusement park. Aren't ferris wheels terrifying enough already? Jeeze.

Honestly though, I like this cover. It's ominous and foreboding  while in the cartoony style and the color scheme is nice. It's another rare time when the dual colors of the border compliment the drawing. There is a nice bluey-lavender thing going on. I dig it.

The taglines add to the foreboding but don't offer much in the way of bad puns or lame jokes which is a disappointment. The back asserts, "the next ride might be their last..." While the front beckons, "enter if you dare...." Do I dare? You bet your ass I dare!

Getting Goosebumps:

The desert surrounds the Morris family as they cruise around in a little Toyota looking for the Zoo Gardens Theme Park which is apparently 3 things wrapped up into one. If you love zoos, gardens, and theme parks well then this is the place for you. Unfortunately for Lizzy her parents can't seem to find it. And her brother Luke keeps horsing around with his best friend clay doing manly things like pinching declaring "the mad pincher strikes again." None of this would be happening if Dad didn't forget the map! The best they can do now is turn around and try and find some place to ask for directions.

Eventually they get to a not so desert-like area and pull over to see if there is a map in the glove-box. It just so happens they pull next to a sign for Horrorland, that of course causes Lizzy to try to scream but no sound comes out. All the kids push to go there instead of Zoo Gardens. Mom and dad finally relent. They get there and immediately after getting out of the car, it blows up. I honestly did not see that coming. Since this is in a pre-cell phone everywhere society they are at the mercy of the employees of Horrorland, known as "The Horrors." These Horrors assert that everything will be "taken care of" and that they should just enter the park. I know if there is one thing I want to do after I almost die in a fiery explosion it's to go down a wicked sweet roller coaster. Dad is naturally concerned but Mom thinks the kids should wander around this death trap alone while they figure things out. Makes sense!

The kids see lots of The Horrors around. There is a wolf that even looks like a real wolf and growls like them! Also, oddly there are No Pinching signs which is a shame because Luke is a pinching fiend. They go on The Doom Slide. There are several different numbered boards you can take down the slide. They are warned that one of them is the DOOOOOOM SLLIIIIIIDE that will make them slide FOREVER! It's pretty rad and Lizzy comes out at the bottom with her brother, but they realize clay isn't there. He didn't come out the entrance either. They decide he must have gotten the Doom Slide and thus they must take the same one down. It does raise the question, if the slider on the board slides forever how does the board get back to the top. Do they have an unlimited number of boards? Doesn't that get pricey? Well sadly it does have an end but it is much longer and scarier than the standard slide they had before. At the end they do find Clay who is trying to hide his fright. Now they are in an entirely different part of the park.

In this new area one of the Horrors confronts Lizzy and urges her to get out while she can. Normally a plea such as this in a horror park would go unheeded. When your car blew up just 20 minutes ago in the parking lot, maybe you should be concerned. Naturally, the brush it off. They decide to go to the hall of mirrors which even has mirrors on the floors because if you aren't worried about lawsuits from exploding cars why would you worry about lawsuits from skirt wearing patrons? They all get separated and when the unite the realize the are actually in different rooms separated by glass. Suddenly the walls start closing in on them and Lizzy groans "Graaaaarrrrg!" Wait no, that was Chewbacca. Wrong story. They groan and fight but to no avail. Just when the think the are going to be crushed the floor opens up and they fall outside. Luke loves it, but this proves to be too much for Lizzy and Clay who begin wondering if you can in fact die of fright.

Finally it was decided it was time to seek out their parents. Though Luke seemed to be loving it Lizzy and Clay had had enough and the parents were probably looking for them. They walked trough a path with tree snakes, and through a barn with bats that scared the bajeezus out of Lizzy before finally getting back to the area with the Doom Slide. Mom and dad were nowhere to be found. The asked one of the Horrors if he'd seen them and he assured them he did. They left a half an hour ago. The left a message though, "Goodbye." That doesn't raise their moods! They find themselves near an alligator pound when suddenly someone grabs Lizzy to push her in! Wait nevermind, it's just her dad greeting her.

Now that they have their parents it's time to see about heading out. They do want to ride at least one ride before they go, so they go into a coffin canoe ride as it heads towards the entrance. The float about in coffins and it's actually rather relaxing until the lids slam shut! Everyone understandably loses their shit and thrashes about screaming. Eventually the caskets open and they all agree that it was a little too much. It's time to leave. But none of the ticket windows are open. They don't have a car to leave as theirs is freshly exploded. Also the gate out is padlocked shut. Just as they are really worrying all the horrors of the park show up and thank them for being on their hidden game show on Monster TV! But as there are still several chapters left there has got to be more....

The are ushered into a room where an announcer says they have a minute to make it out alive. Monsters of all sorts rush at them. Awful birds, "furry snakes", manbearpigs, and other such horrors. Everyone is terrified, and convinced it is the end until finally the timer winds down and it is revealed that 3 out of 5 of them survived! Correction, 5 out of 5. Then in Mr. Stine's favorite contrivance the floor comes out from under them and they are face to face with the MC Horror. Dad chews her out, and Lizzy tries to rip off her mask. But it's not a mask! The are REAL monsters and Monster TV is real. It's a channel FOR MONSTERS! Oh Shit! The monsters corner them against a purple pond and assure them it is time to leave, and going into that pond is the only way out. If they don't go willingly the will be pushed. Drowning in purple goo isn't perhaps the most menacing threat, but I suppose it gets the job down.

Lizzy however has a last ditch effort in mind. She remembers all those strange no pinching signs so... THE MAD PINCHER STRIKES AGAIN. And it works. I shit you not it works. Pinching these godless abominations DEFLATES them. They pinch all the can and make a run for the exit. But wait, there car is exploded! Time to steal a bus conveniently sitting there with the keys in it. The gun it and make it out of the park, celebrating the whole way home. When they get home the realize there is a horror stuck to the back of the bus. He has their free passes for next year, DUN DUN DUUUNNNN!

The end.

What I Thought:

Lizzy, like almost of Stine's characters is pretty nondescript and generic. Her sibling like almost all the siblings is kind of a jerk. Her parents are generic parents. Now I know these are kids books meant to appeal to a broad range, but it's getting underwhelming experiencing these flat characters over and over again. I am pretty sure it's possible to create a relate-able children's character with some personality. I guess asking for it 60-some books in a row is pushing it...

Still, this Goosebumps entry like the rest does offer some fun. In fact, it may have more interesting situations being that instead of taking place a suburb over several days it all takes place in one afternoon. An afternoon at an amusement park at that! Still he could have gotten a tad more inventive than "Slide of Doom" and "Bat Barn."


As usual though, the topic staring me in the face is the ending. I wonder what 9 year old me would think of this ending. I have to admit, the Monster TV idea is kind of clever. The pinching however? Seriously? Pinching? It makes the Wicked Witch of the West look like a badass by comparison for being thwarted by a hefty bucket of water. And why deflating? Are the monsters full of air? Could you pop them? How do they have mass enough to push the kids around? Could you use them as a floatation device in case of emergency? Am I thinking about this too much? Yes. Still, why pinching? For God's sake, WHY PINCHING?

In conclusion typical depth-less characters, fun romp through exciting spooky amusement situations, and really dumb ending. Also, someone tried to scream but couldn't. Goosebump book achieved.

Raiting: 3 out of 5 spooooooky ferris wheels (with extra spookiness)

Up Next:

Why I'm Afraid of Bees. It is a strong contender for my least favorite Goosebumps cover ever. You'll see. The little I remember is that his neighbor is a bee farmer, and somehow he turns into a bee. Will there be an homage to classic horror movie, and horror movie remake The Fly? I don't know, because I haven't seen either of those movies. Catch ya on the next blog!