Perfect School - 30 Tales to Give You Goosebumps #27

As we near closer to Halloween we shall be reading the story "Perfect School." School as we all know is a great source of terror to most kids out there, so it seems fitting. Let's see what horrors await in "Perfect School."

Brian O'Connor is a pretty average kid. A bit too average for his parents' liking so they decided to send him away for a two week course at the Perfect Boarding School. A perfect school makes for the perfect kid.

On the way he meets a fellow student there named C.J who shared the same apprehensions. Once there they notice things are pretty strict. Everyone is in uniforms. Their instructors are called "guardians" Each kid is assigned a number and is known by that number instead of their name. There is to be no talking. They must answer many questions about themselves. It's all a bit strange.

Brian pretty quickly screws up and gets sent to the pattern room for "special training." He hears voices from the vents, and not for the first time. They warn him to get away but there is really nothing he can do. Inside that room he gets weighed, measured, and otherwise inspected closely. Peculiar.

Afterwards Brian managed to find an empty room with a phone. He tries to alert his parents to the strangeness happening but a guardian catches him and puts an end to it. Locked away in his room, he hears the vent voices again. They inform him that the school makes a robot replica of kids to send home, and hides away the children where they'll never be found again. It would really make more sense to kill the children, but I suppose that is too scary...

Brian asks to go to the bathroom and uses some paper to keep the door from locking. He sneaks away and finds C.J. Whew. A friendly face. C.J. leads him to his safety. Wait no, he leads him to his doom. C.J. was an agent for the guardians, and locks him away with the other children. Betrayal.

Flash forward a bit. Brian is delivered to his parents a perfect specimen. Perfectly uniformed, perfectly behaved. But is he a robot? NO! Brian managed miraculously to switch places with his robot double. All he has to do now is act completely perfectly and no one will be any the wiser. It's not so hard to be perfect is it? I mean... he's only made a COUPLE mistakes so far...

My Thoughts

As Goosebumps is a series for kids, it makes sense that they would play to fears specific to kids. This story does so mostly successfully.  In tone it comes across as sort of a... Twilight Zone Junior? The robots definitely give it a sci-fi vibe. Sometimes you gotta remember that a trope that may seem worn out to an adult, may be viewed for the first time by a youngster reading this book... so it could be fresh to them.

So as far as specific fears for kids... Kids frequently worry about the expectations of their parents and teachers. Are they living up to what is expected of them? But what if what is expected of them is too much. WAY too much. What if parents really would be happier with a mindless automaton that would just do everything expected of them? What is a simple story for me, could feel a lot deeper and connect a lot more with a kid.

The robot/sci-fi aspects aren't necessarily my favorite type of Goosebumps tale. I mean, there is nothing wrong with them and I do generally like sci-fi out of Goosebumps... It just that when it comes to 'bumps I kinda like monsters more. Monsters, and magic, and curses. It's more a matter of personal taste.

As for the twist, that I've always gotta talk about... I guess the twist was that he escaped after all. The reality is that they just sort of rushed into this ending. It was basically like "You thought I was locked away BUT NOT REALLY." I just could have been much better thought out and executed. A more interesting but perhaps less funny ending would be if the reader didn't know if Brian became a robot or not. Would that be a bit too "mind fuck"y for a kid? Maybe. Woulda been cooler though.

Ultimately, this was the 27th Goosebumps short story I've read this month and I wasn't bored to death so I guess that merits some appreciation. It's interesting enough even if I don't adore it. Not too shabby I guess.

Rating: 3 out of 5 perfect robots

Only 3 more stories left until the book is over and it's Halloween. Hopefully I still got some readers with me at this point. Check back tomorrow for "For the Birds."

Goosebumps #35 A Shocker on Shock Street

Judging a Book by It's Cover

At first glance it seems this book is about a giant praying mantis wrecking up a town. When you look a little bit closer you see that the mantis is metallic. So why is there a giant metal mantis? Is it some kind of alien race? Did a mad scientist build a robot for revenge? Did a regular giant mantis fall into a giant puddle of molten metal? Also, who names a city street "Shock Street?"

According to the tagline Shock Street is a "real dead end." Get it? Like literally dead, because you will die on that street. It actually works as a pun. Good job. The back tagline is "talk about shock treatment!" I assume because the monsters will give you a figurative shock rather than a literal electric shock. Though they do seem to be robot bugs. Genuine shocks could be in store. Who knows. Lets find out.

Getting Goosebumps

We begin with best friends Erin and Marty being scared witless by a wolf headed crab monster. A crab monster with a wolf head? I am imagining what that looks like and it seems really really stupid. Like isn't the dangerous part of a huge crab monster the claws? What good is a wolf head without the mobility of a wolf? Crabs just kind of scuttle around. Oh hell, whatever. The wolf crab is on a movie screen. They are watching a horror movie. It's Shocker on Shock Street VI. The cinematic masterpiece ends with the wolf crab being boiled alive and the citizens dining like kids. I expect it to sweep the Oscars. Erin's dad works with "movie people" and got them tickets to an advanced screening. While they talk about how great the special effects are they ponder what it would be like if they monsters they saw were real. Then they walked into the wolf crab monster! He of course turns out to be a guy in a costume. Chapter 3 and already someone tried to scream but no sound could come out. I should keep track of the earliest instance of this Goosebumps trope.

Up they go to dad's office. He has a sweet job designing rad theme parks. His office is filled with toys and awesome stuff. He is basically the coolest. Unfortunately he has bad news. Very bad news. The bad news is that he tricked you! Heeeyoooo what a kidder. He actually has supremely good news. He's been designing Shocker Studio's tour and the kids get to go on a test run of it. In their excitement Erin asks if mom can come too. Dad seems perplexed and a little concerned by this question. It's decided they should go alone. Not even dad is going with. They are slightly dismayed to learn they have to stay on the tram and all times so they can't go walking around on Shock Street. Mostly though they are psyched. What kid wouldn't be? They are even armed with Shocker Stun Ray Blasters which seems like 1 word too many for the weapons. Apparently they can freeze monsters at up to 20 feet. So they don't even have the range of a Super Soaker? Lame! They are effective though, Linda who handed them out fumbled with one and shot herself, freezing up instantly. Oh wait, she was joking. Isn't any mother fucker in Goosebumps capable of not kidding around?

Onto the automated tram they go. First stop, the Haunted House of Horror. That sounds both super generic and also a little redundant. It seems pretty much like a regular haunted house. Skeletons, jumpscares, general spookiness. Erin is already getting freaked out but Marty thinks it's pretty funny. The lights go out. Marty Disappears, except not really. Some kind of special effects or something? That doesn't really make sense to me. Oh well. The tram turned into more of a rollercoaster zipping around the house in darkness. The tram goes out of control and they bounce around the seats flopping all over. Marty thinks it's great. Marty is an idiot.

They burst outside coming to a stop between two bushes. Then the monsters come out. Luckily, they are just there to sign autographs. Autographs aren't very scary. Still who doesn't want an autograph from "Ape Face" or "the Toadinator." I better not see those autographs on E-Bay, kids!

Next stop, Cave of the Living Creeps! Erin is worried there will be bats. She should have been worried about the bunches of foot long worms that fall all over them. Are those real worms? PETA is
gonna be pissed! Next they are covered in spiders. Is this a studio tour or an episode of Fear Factor? Won't get get expensive to keep buying tons of spiders and worms to dump on people?

Finally the tram comes to a stop and then... nothing. While pondering what the deal is, Marty spooks Erin by disappearing again, this time merely stepping off the tram onto the cave floor. Dad said stay in the tram at all times. This can't be good. It could start back up any moment now! It doesn't though and they decide to walk and find help.

So at this point are you confused as to why the cover of the book has a giant metal mantis on it? Well just then a giant metal mantis shows up. Two actually. They try to go back to the tram now that the spooking seems to have resumed but their exit is cut off by the bugs. Two more mantises appear. One of them headbutts Erin. You would think a headbut from a 16 foot tall robot bug would hurt more than Erin lets on. They're surrounded and the mantises are spitting super hot black goo at them. They consider using the stun guns but realize they are still in the tram. They decide to deal with them the way you deal with real bugs, by stepping on them. A stomp to the toes makes them reel back and allows them to make a break for it. Why would you program robot bugs to feel pain? And if they aren't robots, they are still metal. Surely a meager stomping wouldn't hurt?

Thankfully they finally get outside. But wait, one of the mantises is eating Marty. April fools. Seriously? Fuck you Marty. Now is no time to be joking around. Also "April fools" is a dumb line. Come up with something clever kid. After some consideration as to whether or not the whole ride has gone haywire they realize they are on Shock Street. THE Shock Street. Soon they find the cemetery from the movie Cemetary on Shock Street. Marty wants to see it. Erin has a bad feeling about this. Bullheaded Marty wins. He openes up the gate, takes a few steps, and falls straight into an open grave. Serves him right. Erin should just leave his ass there. She is a better person than I am though. She checks on him and the moron thinks falling into an open grave is super cool. They examine their surroundings and find spooooky gravestone names like, "Jim Socks" and "Ben Dover." Classic.

Suddenly hands shoot up from the ground. Voices beckon them to come down. They grab at them but Erin breaks free. Marty is not so lucky. Thankfully once again Erin proves she is a good friend and doesn't ditch him. Then heads start rising up from the ground. The zombie hordes are enough to finally scare Marty and they book it on out of there.

Running for their lives they find an unfamiliar mansion. Unfortunately it is not their salvation it is their doom. They sink into the ground. Mud covers them and they nearly abandon hope but they are rescued. Who is their savior? Dad? No of course not, it's Wolf Girl and Wolf Boy. It seems their rescuers are more interested in scaring and possibly eating them though. Erin has had enough of their shenanigans. She goes to rip off their masks but discovers only real fur and real flesh. They climb a wall to get out of reach but that won't keep them at bay for long. Erin takes out Marty's ray gun. Because I am terrible at what I do I neglected to mention that while escaping the mantises they grabbed their guns. Sadly it proves to be utterly useless.

But wait! What's that? The tram is coming back! They run to the vehicle as fast as they can, motivated I assume by sheer terror. They manage to catch up to it, saved at last! Except Marty falls over his own fucking feet and then trips up Erin. I told her to leave his ass behind! But you didn't listen to me, did you book? Up fast Erin  manages to catch it again and jump in. Marty is behind her but manages to do the same after a while. How did the Wolf People not catch them? Are they slow as shit? They are supposed to be unequaled killing machines! I am disappointed. Two kids can catch up to a tram but Wolf People can't? For shame.

It is then they realize they aren't alone on the ride anymore. Dad said they would be the only passengers but it looks like the tram made a detour and picked up some skeletons. Also the tram seems to be going the wrong way. Also the tram is now going too fast for them to jump out. Also the tram is going to smash into a wall. They jump after all. Wait, they said it was going to fast to do that. And they said it picked up even  more speed after they decided that. Well either way they jumped and the tram went THROUGH the wall somehow, and everything seemed to be fine for it. Holograms perhaps? They go up to the wall to check but it is totally solid. Confused and frightened, Marty wants an explanation. Erin just wants to get the fuck out.

Lost they wind up back on Shock Street. Strange wisps of smoke with eerie faces start popping up all over. Unable to take it anymore Erin freezes up totally. Thankfully their scene is over? Huh? Russ Denver movie director explains that it is all special effects. Really her dad should have told them in his opinion. He directs them to where dad is, in Shockro's House of Shocks. They are a bit worried they'll get shocked, like in the movie, but he puts their minds at ease. He turns away to go about his business and Erin notices a power cord plugged into him. He's a robot! And not even a good robot, he needs an external power source! And Marty entering Shockro's House! Exclamation point! She tries to save him but in a flash he is laid out on the floor. Too late!

Unable to save her best friend she realizes quickly she is not alone. Dad is here. He is confused why the kids are also in the building. She tries to explain quickly how everything has gone wrong. As she looks closer, she realizes it isn't her father after all. She can't function anymore. She has a complete system failure. Literally. Because she is a robot. Yup. Mr. Stine you've done it again! "Dad," has a conversation about the two kid robots malfunctioning. Such a shame because all the monster robots were working perfectly. Oh well, with some repairs they'll be good as new in no time.

What I Thought.

Oooooh boy, what a ride. Literally. Get it, cause the book was about a ride? Anyway this story reminded me in some ways of HorrorLand. Obviously because it involves rides, a studio tour instead of a theme park this time but they are a little interchangeable. This comparison is good, because I think this sort of book works well. You have a good excuse to throw in several different types of scares. It also works to take something that is purposely scary but turn it up a notch when the fake frights prove to be real.

The premise of the kids being movie fanatics and getting to experience things first hand goes over well. I think Stine misses opportunities on this though, as they should be able to get themselves out of some trouble based on their previous movie knowledge. For example, to get away from the giant mantises they decide to stomp on them because they are bugs. This is stupid logic that only flies in a Goosebumps book. I think it would be more clever if they thought back to how the movie monsters were defeated in their movies, and tried it out for themselves. At least once. You could even subvert the trope and have them try it only to fail.

So the plot. It's very "on rails." Almost literally, though the tram has been described as railless. The plot is literally that all these events in a tour are happening to them. It's like you're experiencing the ride for yourself. I don't think this kind of plot would work if repeated too often in the series, but I think it does it's job here. Frankly the plots of these books are never outstanding, so having it just be a sequence of scares that happen one after the other doesn't hurt.

Of course there is the twist ending. Now some twist endings make me groan. This one make me chuckle and say to myself "Stine you son of a bitch!" I think the kids turning out to be robots actually kinda works. Of course it doesn't bare a whole lot of scrutiny. When you think about it you're like, "well why would they need to program robotic kids just to test a ride?" When it gets right down to it it actually doesn't make any sense at all. But I'll allow it this time. It's ridiculous in a way that entertains. He did drop a couple of stupid hints early on. First he described the kids as both looking extremely similar even though they weren't related. Also, Erinbot mentioned her mother and "dad" got confused but at the end he mentioned he should have realized they were malfunction then since obviously the robots have no mother.

Now I like to talk about how I'd try to fix these books, but besides the little details  I've already mentioned I don't know that there is much I'd do. I think it works for what it is. It's the most enjoyable Goosebumps I've read in quite awhile.

Rating: 4 movie monsters out of 5

Up Next

It's October! Scientists have proved that October is the spookiest month of the year. Because of that I am HOPING to get out 3 new updates to my site this month. Two special book reviews and another entry looking at alternate cover art. I can't guarantee it, but I'll try my darnedest. Until next time.

Star Wars Galaxy of Fear #1: Eaten Alive

Wait, what's this? I'm reviewing a Star Wars book instead of Goosebumps? What is going on? Has the world gone topsy-turvy? Fear not reader, this book is related, albeit only slightly, to Goosebumps. You see when I was a boy in the 90s RL Stine started a whole wave of kid based fright. As he was raking in millions everybody wanted a piece of his horror pie. Now I'm not saying Stine invented the concept of spooky kids books, but he sure made it hella popular at the time.

So what does Star Wars have to do with it? Well the merchandising behemoth wasn't going to let that kind of money slip away from them, no sir. If there was cash to grab from kiddo's pockets just by giving them a little fright, then by gosh they were going to get it. Cue Star Wars Galaxy of Fear. Horror for kids ABOUT STAR WARS. What could be better? Well as we'll come to find out, a lot of things I'm sure, but still. Maybe there will be a werewookiee. A ewokula? Sith ghosts? Who knows!

Anyway, the fact is I don't remember a ton about this series. I only had the one book, which thankfully is the first but I never moved on from there. I feel like I probably got it right as I was losing interest in Goosebumps and I was probably trying to chase that high again. Fact is, I think I was just losing interest in these kind of books in general. But now I'm 30 and for some reason the thought of reading books mean to scare 10 year olds is appealing again. So now that Star Wars movies are back in full force (haha get it, like the force that jedi use?) with Episode 7 and now this very month Rogue One I figure what better time to haul this old book out and see what it has to offer? Lets take a look.

Judging a Book by its Cover

Holy hologram batman! This has one of those images that looks like one thing when you hold it one way, but another thing another way. I think it's called a lenticular image? I may be wrong about that. Anyway at one angle you see a grinning alien visage holding an open hand out to you. The other, however, shows the same being with his mouth open presenting a long snake tongue and rows of razor-sharp teeth. A fitting image for a book named "Eaten Alive." While the effect is kind of cool the fact that it has to be grayish with a bit of weird prismatics in color is kind of a bummer. It would be nice to have a good ol' full color image of that guy. But at least this is a "limited collector's edition" so I'll be able to retire young when I sell this. I am sure by limited they totally don't mean that it was limited to the entirety of their printing and that this is the only edition available with a limit of millions of copies. Star Wars would never mislead me like that!

So I did a very basic amount of research into this series so I would know a few things. For starters, all these books cover the same characters, unlike Goosebumps which tends to feature new ones each time. Also I was curious what timeline I'd be getting into. It seems we'll be delving into the world at about the time of the original trilogy. Thankfully these were released shortly before Phantom Menace existed or they could be teaming with gungans and dining with Dexter Jettser.

What kind of frights will these people face? Supernatural ones? Force ghosts? Sith Spirits? Hutt Zombies? Or will they be more sci-fi maintstays. Obviously there will be aliens, it is Star Wars. Will they lurk in a bog with one of those weird tentacle eyeball things from the trash compactor scene? Will their computer become haunted? Perhaps a droid that is secretly evil? Only one way to find out, lets dive in.

Getting Goosebumps Galaxy of Feared

Holy crap there is a prologue and DARTH VADER IS IN IT! I wasn't sure if any main characters from the movies would appear and right off the bat we have Vader. There is a convo between him and a mysterious scientist. They discuss the "ultimate weapon." Where the Death Star failed this scientist shall succeed he claims, using life instead of machines. Darthy Boy of course has to assert that the ultimate weapon is in fact the force. Before we fade out him torturing some poor creature the scientist reveals that he intends to use this weapon to snuff Darth Vader and become the Emperor's right hand man. This begs the question, if your weapon is indeed the ultimate power in the world why settle for being #2. Couldn't he kill Vader AND the Emperor. Think big science man!


And now we begin with a breathtaking dogfight between an X-Wing and a Tie Fighter which turns out to be a holographic video game stopped by a droid who doesn't seem to appreciate being made a baby sitter. Meet DV-9 or "Deevee" who is currently watching Tash and her brother Zak Arranda who will be our tween protagonists for this novel. They are aboard the Lightrunner. And Deevee the science droid gets to play schoolmarm to the children instead of helping out his master Hoole, the children's uncle, with his anthropology research. Instead of doing her homework, Tash is reading banned info about Jedi Knights on the internet holonet. Don't they have parental control on that thing?

After their time spent supposed to be studying we found out that they are from Alderaan. If this

doesn't trigger something for you let me give you some spoilers for Episode IV: A New Hope (christ it's been over 30 years do I have to give a spoiler warning?) ALDERAAN GETS ALL KINDS OF BLOWED UP BY DARTH VADER AND THE DEATH STAR. Tash and Zak were off planet but their parents are space dust now which is why they are traveling with uncle Hoole and his grumpy droid. Thing is, Hoole doesn't seem too keen on being a parent. The kids don't seem to trust him completely, in fact Zak snoops into his room to check it out and gets grabbed out of nowhere by a chapter ending cliffhanger! Oh my god, these really are Goosebumps rip offs!

Don't worry though, it's just Uncle Hoole upset at these damn kids and their shenanigans. Oh, also Hoole is a Shi'ido which is an alien that can change shape. Think Odo from Deep Space 9. Wait, I am crossing my sci-fi... Oh well. Well ol changey Hoole is on his way to D'vouran, a newly discovered planet populated by the Enzeen. Why is this planet of note? Well because it is right next to one of the busiest damn parts of outer space and yet it was only just recently discovered. How did all of outer space miss seeing this planet? Weird!

Just then the ship starts to go crazy. Tash was messing around in the cockpit but swears it wasn't her. Damn lying kids! The ship was on auto pilot set to jump out of hyperspace when they were close but they arrived 15 minutes too early. Did the planet move? Or is Tash a lying liar that lies? After a bumpy ride to the space port they exit the plane. Tash gets the shit scared out of her by a guy trying to put a flower necklace around her because it was the end of the chapter and they needed a scare cliffhanger.

Chood (the Enzeen who was getting them all lai'd) says he'll take them to some starpilots who can help them fix their ship which was damaged in the fiasco. Tash thinks she has a "bad feeling about this" which is a line that is always appearing in Star Wars. All in all the Enzeen seem pretty nice though. They encourage people to move to or visit their planet. They offer free food for guests. And Chood himself offers to wash Tash and Zak while Uncle Hoole conducts business. The only downer so far seems to be this maniac Bebo who was thrown out of the cantina for raving about his friends disappearing.

Inside said cantina there are all sorts of creatures including a Gank mercenary who doesn't seem to fond of their uncle judging by the fact that he is holding a blaster at him. Turns out he works for a Hutt. Smada the Hutt. Smada wants Hoole to work as an assassin for him, figuring that his shape shifting abilities will come in handy. Seems the old scientist has an interesting past. Well the whole scene gets interrupted by the appearance of 2 guys, a girl and a pizza place Wookiee. Yup, Han, Luke, Leia, and Chewie appear in this very book! Even R2 and C3PO are there, oh boy! They introduce themselves but as former citizens of Alderaan Leia needs needs no introduction what with being their princess and all. 3PO and Deevee had some fun droid conversation with the fore being excitable and the latter being bored out of his cyber mind. Tash and Luke share some words about the Jedi.

Outside! A Scream! It's our chapter cliffhanger! That weirdo Bebo had another friend disappear on him. The citizens don't seem very sympathetic to his plight. It is explained that Bebo was on the ship that first accidentally discovered the planet. They crashed and there seems to be a disagreement over what happened. The Enzeen say he is the sole survivor. Bebo on the other hand claims they all lived but have been slowly disappearing on him. Oh well, I'm sure this will all get sorted out.

Han and Chewie agree to help fix their ship. Zak insults the Millennium Falcon. Luke tells Tash to Falcon's computer. Unfortunately an alert goes off because the cyber police back traced their shit. Oh noes! The Empire doesn't want anyone to know much about D'vouran it seems. Chewbecca soups up Zak's skimboard before they leave. I think it's some kind of hoverboard? Probably.
trust her feelings. Luke helps her search for D'vouran info the net on the

Off to Chood's house.  Hoole leaves the kids with him. It's always advisable to leave your kids with a complete stranger you've only just met on a strange planet no one knows anything about. Great parenting. Anyway Tash wakes up in the middle of the night to some strange slurping sounds. I'm not going insinuate it's sexual. I'm not going to insinuate it's sexual. I'm not going to insinuate it's sexual... Ok. Chood creepily appears from the darkness and tells her it must be stray animals. Then he says he's gotta leave. Wait so Hoole leaves the kids under the guardianship of some weird alien guy and then said alien guy just ditches them in the middle of the night? Does the Empire have child protective services?

Fortunately for them murderous thugs don't have a grudge against their caretaker. Oops, nevermind. Gank thugs show up in the middle of the night. The kids run straight to the Cantina. Great idea, best way to escape thugs is to go to the last place you saw their leader. Anyway when they get there the Ganks are no where to be seen. Hoole shows up and seems mad at the kids for inventing these stories. Hey asshole, you don't want your kids to wake up in the middle of the night screaming about intruders try not leaving them all alone on some crazy planet where there is literally someone out to kill you!

Zak decides to chill out by skimboarding. He skimboards right into Smada the Hutt. His plan to murder the boy gets interrupted by Bebo who is yelling about their dooms. Gank attempts to murder the strange man get thwarted by the fact that they just can't fucking hit him. Hoole arrives with armed citizens to put a stop to it then IMMEDIATELY LEAVES TASH WITH THE DROID WITHOUT PLANNING FOR HER PROTECTION. Seriously this guy is the worst parent ever. Tash talks to Bebo and then gets pushed into a hole. Yup. So she's alone in a dark hole with this guy. I WILL NOT INSINUATE THIS IS SEXUAL. The place they are in seems to be a laboratory built by the Empire. Inside Bebo tells her the story of their crash. How his friends have gone missing 2 or 3 at a time. He believes he is safe because he has a pendant that gives off some sort of force field. He gives it to the girl and after she leaves is immediately murdered by one of Smada's goons.

Tash and the droid start walking back but are interrupted by slurping. They stumbled upon Enzeens including Chood who were sticking their long gross tongues into the ground and sucking. They don't take kindly to being spied on and start a chase. Deevee gets tackled by the aliens. An Enzeen catches Tash. What is a kid to do? Try to use the force, why the fuck not. Cue an earthquake that may or may not have been caused by her. The village is deserted. At the space port she finds Zak's skimboard and some discarded eels that Smada must have been snacking on. She takes the board with her and heads to Smada's stronghold because seriously why the fuck not. Believe it or not, showing up to your enemy unarmed makes it really really really easy to kidnap you. So being the nice Hutt Smada is he threatens to kill her brother unless she tells him where Uncle Hoole is. This is inconvenient because she genuinely doesn't know.

Deevee enters with a distraction and tosses the kids the skimboard. They escape with the droid hanging off the bottom but they crash when one of the blasters hits the board. The Ganks and Hutt catch up to them but oddly the thugs start to be eaten by the ground. They even shout out the name of the book, "I'm being EATEN ALIVE." Soon Smada and a lone Gank are all that survive, finding shelter on his hoversled. The Enzeen emerge and reveal something startling. The beast killing everyone is not some creature tunneling beneath the earth. The earth itself is attacking them. The planet itself is alive! The Hutt tries bargaining for his life to no avail, instead enduring a lecture about how the Enzeen are parasites tolerated by the living planet as they provide food. The children will be taken to the heart of the planet where they will be most completely digested. I would think you would bring them to the stomach of the planet for that to happen, but oh well.

Back to the laboratory! It's explained that created by the Empire as a weapon, their planetary beast turned on them and ate the scientists. Chood gets El-Kabong'd by Zak using his skimboard. One of the Enzeen reveals itself to be Uncle Hoole. He appeared as a Wookie and battles the Enzeen. In a struggle Chood gets the force field pendant but falls down the feeding pit with it in his clutches. They struggle with Smada to skimboard out of there and ultimately the planet devours the Hutt. Off they go, as the planet has trouble digesting the force field pendant it has swallowed.

They get to their spaceship in the nick of time but can't seem to get off the planet. Millenium Fucking Falcon to the rescue! Awww yeah, punch it Chewie. As they try to leave the planet Han has a "bad feeling about this." Two bad feelings in one book! How Star Wars! Anyway, the planet is following them. Some fancy flying on Han's part gets them away and then the planet.... eats itself? Ok.

Epilogue! Hoole reveals that he almost let them fucking die so he could find out what's going on. Then they fucking rehash everything we already know about D'vouran. It was engineered was a weapon by the Empire, the Enzeen were parasites. Thank god it's gone! Meanwhile in another part of the galaxy a ship drops out of hyperspace early. How strange that this uncharted planet is here...

What I Thought

I was wondering before I started this just how much like Goosebumps this would be. Now obviously it can't be too similar. I mean it's got to fit in the Star Wars world and have sci-fi tropes. You can only make the characters so relate-able. Still they did try to ground them a bit. They did some usual kid stuff. They played video games (albeit holo games) they skateboarded (or skimboarded.) Still, average Joe 11 year old probably doesn't dream too much about being a Jedi. Actually maybe they do, because that would be fucking sweet. The average kid just doesn't have much of a shot at it.

Actually I think I liked this book all the more because of it's unrelate-able sci-fi trappings. Sure I might not have felt the biggest connection with Tash and Zak but they got to do awesome stuff. Fly a space ship! Talk to robots! Meet a Wookiee! I am all for fantastical things in books.

You know what else? This book was a lot better written than a Goosebumps book too. Now I'm not saying it was a masterpiece but there actual literary things in there. For example, they used for shadowing. In the beginning their school lessons taught them all about parasitic creatures in symbiotic relationships. This paved the way for them to learn about the Enzeen's relationship to D'vouran. Another example, of stuff that would pay of later is Zak and his skimboarder. He was earlier practicing a complicated maneuver that would later end up saving their lives. There were a fair share of clues to what was really going on in the story as well. When I first read it, it was a quick read where I didn't attempt to think ahead or anything. When I read it again to write stuff down I noticed clues that made sense and would make it possible to deduce what was happening if you were really paying attention. I feel like Goosebumps never has stuff like that.

Really this book just felt like a lot of fun. You got to meet characters from the movies. There was the very tangible threat of a greedy Hutt and his Gank killers to cause problems while the greater threat of the carnivorous planet remained unknown. It kept things moving and provided a little bit of a red herring.

Still, the book is not perfect. I am not entirely sure if it would have been quite as enjoyable if I had never seen a Star Wars movie. That said, how many people who have never seen Star Wars would be reading this book? Not many I assume.

Beyond that, there were some questionable things going on that my adult brain couldn't handle. Why is Hoole such a shitty parent? Why would he trust the Enzeen he has just met to take care of his kids? Why would he leave them alone so often when he knows there are a bunch of murderous thugs after his family? How does Smada intend to control Hoole to be his assassin? If he can shape shift into anything he could easily kill the Hutt himself, shifting himself to be one of his private guards, his family members, a slave girl, literally anything. How Smada ever trust him to be an assassin for him? Also, how does a creature the size of a planet survive on just a few human beings a day? Planets, even small ones are fucking huge! Think about how much energy it must take to move around in outer space (and let's not even ask the question about how it manages that.) It would have to eat so many freaking people! The Empire would have to start emptying their prisons out onto the planet to keep it sustained.

But hey, kids don't worry about this stuff. Plus it is science fiction so maybe I'm not picking. D'vouran may not follow logical laws of existence. I mean I am talking about a galaxy that has a planet that is entirely desert, a planet that is entirely tundra a moon that is entirely forest. I guess this place just doesn't follow natural laws.

Ultimately though, this book is better written than Goosebumps. I think if you like sci-fi tropes and/or Star Wars you might just enjoy it more than Goosebumps too. Sure sci-fi "monsters" give you a little different fright than classics like werewolves or ghosts but after plowing through about 30 or so Goosebumps I was probably ready for a change.

Rating: 4 out of 5 pieces of merchandising
 

Final Thoughts



I would have liked to get this review out on the release day of Rogue One, but I am lazy. At least it is still in theaters? I guess I got it out by Christmas and that is good enough. Let me know if you liked me reviewing a non Goosebumps book or if you think I have committed heresy. I hope you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading it regardless. If you read it close to it's release, Merry Christmas. If you are reading any time else, Merry Whatever Day It Is. Check back next time when I'll be back to the main Goosebumps series.

 

Give Yourself Goosebumps #1: Escape From the Carnival of Horrors

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Goosebumps post to bring you a "special" Halloween one. Instead of doing the next book of the regular series I bring you Give Yourself Goosebumps #1: Escape From the Carnival of Horrors. The Give Yourself Goosebumps series were Choose Your Adventure style books.

If you don't know what those are, why are you reading this blog? You grew up in the wrong generation! To explain it simply, at the end of pages, it would give you a choice. If you want to enter the cellar turn to page 8, if you want to go to the attic, turn to page 27. Usually 90% of the endings were bad and involve you never being seen or heard from again. Then there is usually one ok ending where you make it out alive but barely. And usually there is about 1 "good" ending where things turn out just peachy.

This presents a moderate difficulty in writing synopsis and reviews. Do I read all 20-30 endings? No. I am far too lazy, and that doesn't present an interesting narrative. I have decided I am going to read through exactly 3 plots. Whatever happens I will report back to you... But first...

Judging a Book By Its Cover

 

The first thing you'd notice about this book if you actually held it in your hands is that it is SHINY! It's hard to tell from the photo of it, but it has that special stuff that makes it reflect like all cool... I forget what you call it, but it shows different colors at different angles. Nifty.

The second thing you'd notice of course would be the gnarly purple gator breaking out of its cage. Why purple? Is green not scary enough? Is Barney more terrifying than Godzilla? Well... kind of, but for entirely different reasons.

There is no tagline on the front, which is kind of a bummer. The back of the book isn't actually shiny. It is normal Goosebumps style dual color ooze. I suppose since it has the text blurb about the book it couldn't really be sparkly. It does have one tagline on back. "Take a ride if you dare...." Oh, I dare. Lets get to it. Reader Beware, I Choose The Scare!

Getting Goosebumps

Attempt 1:

It's in the first person, and I am the first person. My best friends Patty and Brad have been arguing since the start of summer vacation. We are all bored. Perhaps we should bike over to where they are setting up the carnival! Of course last year they had the Terror Track which wound up being a kid's train. Patty, however, being bossy makes the decision for us. We're going. When we get there it's all locked up. Do we break in or chicken out and Go Home.

GO HOME, PAGE 10: What's wrong with me. If I went home now the narrative that is my life would be over! That's lame. I get no more illusion of choice, I am climbing that damn fence and breaking in. (Yes seriously, this is what the page was like.)

COMMIT BREAKING AND ENTERING, PAGE 6: We hop the fence and though there is still the kiddy train, there is also pretty awesome stuff like a rocket coaster and arcade games. While gawking at a sign for a freak show a man comes up from behind us telling us we aren't supposed to be there. Uh oh! It's Big Al the owner, but instead of kicking us out he wants us to test out the stuff in the park. That doesn't seem suspicious at all! But do I wanna check out the rides or the midway?

STRAIGHT TO THE RIDES, YO!, PAGE 34: On the one hand there is a giant-ass roller coaster with cars that look like shuttles and the tracks go almost up the clouds it seems! That's what Brad and Patty are doing. Of course, behind me there is organ music coming from the Little House of Horrors and I do love me some haunted houses...

TO THE COASTER I SAY! PAGE 26: It's pretty sweet. It goes hella fast, and loops and all kinds of crap. However, it stops dead, and my friends Brad and Patty are gone. Do I sit here and wait for help? or perhaps I should hop out of the car..

I PLAY IT CAUTIOUS AND WAIT FOR HELP, PAGE 92: I wait for 15 minutes then start to feel... strange... like someone is watching me. Then there is rustling and strange smells... I feel sick. I can't move. 2 guys come in and say the perfume worked and haul me off to be a real life display for the park. Next time I'll know better! Or will I? Because there wont be a next time! This is... THE END? (or is it? mwahahaha)

Attempt 2

Once again my friends and I are bored, we go to the carnival and I don't fight the urge to break in this time. Big Al shows up and lets us have free reign. Rides, or Midway?

AWW YEAH, CHECKIN' OUT THE MIDWAY, PAGE 77: There is plenty of cool stuff here, but I'm drawn to the fortune teller. She reads my palms and says there is horror in my future. Sounds bad... Then she tells me to pick a card. Do I go red or blue?

WELL BLUE IS MY FAVORITE COLOR... PAGE 59 (Hah it actually says blue is my favorite color when I turned the page.) The card says the freaks at the freak show are in trouble and I'm their only hope! When I inquire what this is all about the lights go out with a scream and the fortune teller is gone. When I try to grab the card it bursts in to flame. Do I keep going along with this and help the freaks, or do I say screw em?

I CAN'T RESIST HELPING FREAKS, PAGE 11: I race to tell Brad and Patty about my predicament. They're in. We race to the freak show. The door says KEEP OUT, so naturally we bust in. Turns out they are slaves in a prison, and Big Al is the freaks' master and he is just about to show up. Do I stay and give em

him a stern lecture or should we book it down the hall?

I'M NO FOOL, GET OUTTA THERE! PAGE 48: We get outta there, but escape right into a reptile petting zoo. What a messed up idea! Some of the snakes are coming to try and cuddle us. We need to get out of here. Should we go left or right?

RIGHT SEEMS RIGHT, PAGE 12: We book it like mad, but then there is a crashing sound behind us. Then on the sides of us. Then in front of us. We're trapped. It is then that we here a voice welcoming us to the reptile petting zoo. The alligator, it seems, has been lonely. And we are its new pets. THE END (or is it!?)

Attempt 3

Yadda yadda yadda bored, go to carnival. Blah blah blah break in, Big Al. Rides or Midway?

RIDES, PAGE 34: Coaster like before? Or Haunted House?

HAUNTED HOUSE! PAGE 64: So I ditch Brad and Patty and head off to the Little House of Horrors. There is a rickety bridge to get there. It sways and creaks and as a thunder bolt of lightning (very very frightening) goes off I fall. Do I try and grab at the bridge or do I flap my arms like a bird (that is seriously an option.)

I FLAP MY ARMS BECAUSE THAT IS TOO RIDICULOUS TO PASS UP, PAGE 30:

Well I can't think of anything else to do so I flap my arms like a bird. Just then a big gust of air comes up under me and blows me back up onto the bridge. No shit? What are the odds! I go to the haunted house and look back at the void I almost fell into. The bridge is gone. Cool special affects! It's not like I almost died or something. I notice at the Little House of Horrors there is also the Boat Trip to Nowhere. Do I get side tracked to no where or do I stick with the haunted house?

SCREW GOING NOWHERE, ON TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE! PAGE 66: Near the entrance a skeleton taps me on the back and tells me if I go in I'll wind up like him. Awesome! Inside its totally dark. I can't even see my hands. I stumble around... Finally I find myself in a house of mirrors! Do I go left or right?

RIGHT WONT FAIL ME AGAIN, PAGE 29: I go to my right, and get frustrated. Punching the wall seems like a good idea after staring at all these images of me. After I do so the walls start closing in on me. Literally. Right when it seems like I'm about to be crushed the floor falls out from under me and I'm caught in a net to someone declaring that a new player has entered. A short creepy man and some 7 foot tall beastly monsters great me. Apparently he is "Dr. Frank-N-Stone" which has got to be the worst name I've ever heard. I sounds like a Flintstones villain. Anyway, he is the one who created the Carnival of Horrors. Do I kick him and try and escape? Or do I wait for the hulking monsters to leave first.

KICK HIM AND TAKE MY CHANCES, 79: I kick him, but nothing happens! I kick him harder and my foot busts through him... to... metal. He's a robot!? Awesome, I deactivated him but now those creatures are after me.One of them pins me up against the wall and I give its head a shove. The head comes off. It was a robot too! Now one left... but is it also a robot? Or do I think he's a real monster...

ONE OF EM'S GOTTA BE A REAL MONSTER, PAGE 110, Well I was right that it wasn't a robot. It wasn't however, a monster. It's Big Al and he thinks what I've got what it takes to be in the Carnival of Horrors. I however, am not a fan of that idea. He assures me that I can't leave. We go into the next room and people in old timey clothes welcome me to the Carnival of Horrors. It appears in different places each night and tonight it was in my town, and there is no getting out... or is there? Apparently if I can escape before midnight, I'm ok. But it's 11:40 and the floor has started to shake... Suddenly I appear outside with my friends again. I tell them we've gotta be out before midnight. Patty says the exit is by the Hall of the Mountain King. Brad says its by the Halloween express.

ITS HALLOWEEN SO I SAY HALLOWEEN EXPRESS, PAGE 108: We head that away, then hop into some cars and drive off. A skeleton comes out at us and we drive by. Then there are zombies and ghostly figures. We should jump out and run! But am I able to?

I'LL BE HONEST, NO... I CAN'T, PAGE 127: Well it doesn't matter, I crash through the ghost! Take that! But now we have to hide from the Carnival folk. Do we all hide in the cannon, or in the kiddy choo-choo train!

I CHOO CHOO CHOOSE YOU! Page 128 It starts chiming to 12. I however notice the train is called Right Way Railroad. There is only one RIGHT WAY out... Could I be right? We go through a tunnel and once through we see Carnival Workers everywhere... Regular, run of the mill carnival workers. At the same rinky-dink tiny Carnival we have every year. No monsters or zombies anywhere. This carnival just has baby games and lame food stands. It's he greatest carnival ever. Whew.

What I thought

Woohoo I survived! Rarely do I survive these things, and I swear to gosh I didn't even cheat by looking ahead. The choo choo always gets you where you wanna go. Ultimately each of my ventures whether I survived or not was fairly long in terms of these books. I was pleasantly surprised.

Yes, this was far more enjoyable than I remember these things. I recall dying every other page. Maybe I just got lucky and got some longer strains, or maybe perhaps maybe RL Stine did an ok job with this? I guess limiting myself to 3 attempts helped make it more enjoyable. A common ploy of people who read these is to keep a finger on pages with choices so you can go back and do the other if you fail. That's not really that fun, however it does help if your only goal is to see every ending. And if you own it you probably do want to see every ending.

It would have been nice to get a little bit of characterization. I know I was the main character, but it seems like you ditch your friends a lot. They were pretty much irrelevant characters. They were there so I wouldn't be alone... but I was alone most of the time. What's the point?

Ultimately the strength of this book came from the setting. There are a lot of things to do in a Carnival and I got the opportunity to do a lot of them. Roller coasters, haunted houses, fortune tellers. Good stuff. If only I could have had some ghostly food. Perhaps an I SCREAM cone, or uhh... Hell I dunno.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Corn Dogs

Up Next!

Next time we we'll be back to to your regularly schedule classic Goosebumps. I just did this special for Halloween because I only have a few of the Choose your Own Goosebumps series, and I don't know when I should review them. I doubt I'll go out and get them all, so I'll just throw them into the mix every now and again. Hope you enjoyed it. Happy Halloween!

#13 Piano Lessons Can be Murder

Judging a book by its cover:

If I was going to guess the plot of the book by looking at the cover I could only assume it was about Thing from The Addams Family finding his long lost brother and them becoming world renown pianists. Also assassins. Pianist assassins. Wait, no, that makes them sound like they kill pianists...

Regardless, on the cover we have disembodied hands tickling the ivories. The tagline reads "Play it again, hands!" I assume this is a reference to "Play it again, Sam" from the movie Casablanca. This is great for two reasons. 1) They never actually said it in Casablanca. It's one of the world's most popular misquotes. This makes it so you can't get sued, brilliant! 2) Kids just LOVE Casablanca. I'm sure all of them get the reference perfectly and chuckled heartily.

There is another cover to this book. While I'm not sure which edition it comes on, this cover came up with googling and all I can say is... What the eff? Pedophile cyborg man in a weird trippy background? I honestly have no idea what is going on. I think if I had come across this book with this cover as a kid I would have hesitated to buy it. I guess on the plus side it is genuinely creepy... It gives me the heeby jeebies.

Anyway lets move on. I am predicting either there will be a haunted piano or a scary piano teacher. Possibly both. Will that be what happens? Lets check it out!


Getting Goosebumps:

This book's star tween character is Jerry who is just moving into a new house with his parents. He starts things out by scaring them into believing some dust balls were really mice. It seems like every Goosebumps book has to have a character that loves scaring or playing tricks. I guess it's a really simple way to make sure people don't believe it when something genuinely scary happens... as if you need a reason not to believe super natural things are happening.

Anyway one thing that is set up that may be intricate to the plot is Jerry's cat Bonkers. He hates it, because it always lunges at him and claws him. I feel like maybe the Bonkers will end up clawing the bad guy or something. Maybe it's just a red herring. I bet cats love red herring.

More certainly intricate to the plot is the piano Jerry and his dad discover in the attic. It's a good quality piano which makes it a mystery as to why it got left behind. The first night in the new house Jerry hears sad piano music from the attic but when he goes upstairs no one is there. He plonks a few keys himself, waking up his dad who then suggests piano lessons. Jerry thinks it might be cool. He could get some synthesizers, and maybe compose music and make it big with a rock band. Jerry thinks big, and that is actually some pretty good character description that makes him feel slightly different than all the other generic Goosebumps stars. I'll take what I can get.

The potential villain of this book is Dr. Shreek, Jerry's piano teacher. He was the only one advertising piano lessons in the news paper which is as solid of credentials as anyone needs. Despite having a "spooky" name, his looks are likened to that of jolly old Santa Claus. At first they just have a short lesson so he can meet Jerry. He compliments his hands, which is slightly weird but hey, he's a pianist!

The next lesson doesn't go as well. Dr. Shreek keeps going on and on about Jerry's hands. They are alive! Each finger is alive! Move them faster! He keeps playing the same song faster and faster, his hands going out of control. It, of course, is a dream.

Nightmares aside, Jerry also has to deal with the spooky piano music at night. On night he goes down there to check it out and is tackled by Bonkers the cat which wakes up and pisses off his parents. The next time he investigates he sees the ghost of a woman who tells him to stay away from her piano. His parents think that perhaps instead he should stay near a psychiatrist.

Eventually Jerry has a real second lesson with Dr. Shreek, who keeps up his hand fetish. Apparently Jerry's hands are good enough to get into Shreek's piano school for lessons. When Jerry shows up for his lesson at the school he discovers its in a creepy old building at the end of town. Inside he comes across a creepy floor sweeping robot made by Mr. Toggle the janitor who shares Shreek's hand fetish. The lesson itself goes well but the hand comments continue. Also, when Jerry gets home his parents demand a demonstration of what he learned. Instead the ghost bangs the hell out of some piano keys and his parents thing its him. Isn't having a haunted piano the worst?

Back at school Mr. Toggle shows Jerry a bunch of his inventions. He has stuff like big robots, surveillance monitors, and interesting musical instruments powered by air compression. Also, there is a desk drawer murmuring help me. Never to worry though, he's got Toggle's assurance it's just some damaged equipment.

To further the schools reputation, later Jerry runs into a girl from school who shares lots of stories about Shreek's school. Apparently there are bizarre monsters in the basement. On top of that, there are kids who have gone there and never returned. You'd think someone would report them to the Better Business Bureau.

Another night of piano music has Jerry freaking out and needing to investigate one more time. The ghost reveals bloody arm stumps and tells him the stories about the school are true. His parents find him absolutely freaking out, screaming at the top of his lungs. He tells them he wants nothing to do with the piano. This is ok with them he just has to have his one very last lesson because ya know, they already paid for it. This is what we call good parenting. If your kid is freaking out about pianos to the extent that he screams bloody murder about them in the night and needs professional therapy about them, hey why not send him to one last lesson?

When Jerry lets Dr. Shreek know its his last lesson, the good doctor flips his shit. He asserts that he needs Jerry's hands, and chases him around the school. Eventually they end up in the auditorium where thunderous piano playing can be heard. Pianos are all over each with an instructor and a pair of disembodied hands playing. Finally Mr. Toggle comes in and saves the day by deactivating Dr. Shreek. Yes, Dr. Shreek is a robot, and the whole school is filled with Toggles creations. There is only 1 problem. Mr. Toggle can't make hands. He can however cut off kids' hands and use computers to control them. All this hand harvesting is for 1 purpose. Good music. The only thing wrong with piano music is human error. Why he doesn't just have a computer generate music instead going to the trouble of hand stealing? Who knows.

Anyway, guess who shows up to save the day. Go on, guess. THE GHOST. Ghost lady shows up stumps and all and summons all the other piano person ghosts. They take their hands back and carry Mr. Toggle off. He's never seen or heard from again. The end.

What I thought:

First thoughts, "well that's odd." I guess that's probably the reaction he was going for. These books are supposed to be odd, but still... It seems like a genius that can build a legion of intelligent robots would have loftier goals than harvesting human hands. Where does he get his funding anyway? It can't be from piano lessons because they only seem to have a couple before the harvest takes place. For that matter, why is no one investigating all the missing children? This novel is pretty dark when you think about it. Mr. Toggle has murdered dozens, perhaps hundreds of people and reanimated their hands. What is he doing with the corpses? Why is a children's book making me ask these questions?

So I always do this, I read til the end and then just want to talk about the end when it's over. Lets discuss some other things, like Jerry. There is some good characterization to Jerry. He always likes to think big. When they move into the house he imagines each room in the perfect state as he sees it. Big tvs, work out equipment, whatever it takes. When he started piano lessons he immediately starts imaging himself in a grander and grander state like starting a band, composing music, being a rock god. This trait is unlike Goosebump characters I remember so far and makes him unique. It is also a pretty accurate depiction of a kid. I think a lot of kids think this way. In fact one thing Stine does well is pander to kids. The plot of moving to a new house is something a whole lot of kids can relate to. Something spooky about the new place is something kids can probably relate to as well. A robot piano teacher that wants to cut off your hands is something kids can probably relate to too, right?

Of course there are a lot of things about Jerry that aren't unique. He is 12. Pretty much every character is 11, 12, or 13. I suppose that makes sense as it is kind of the age his readers are. Probably even slightly older which is wise. Kids like reading about people they can relate to but look up to. Also in the not unique column is Jerry's love of the practical joke. It seems like in every book there is one jokester who scares people for kicks. It's an over-used device that is used to conjure up false scares. It also makes it so there is a reason for people not to believe them. Ya know, because it's hard to find a reason not to believe in piano ghosts.

I was kind of surprised at how I remembered exactly 0% of this book. Usually as I'm reading things that happen later on in the book start coming back to me. Not in this book. I can predict what happens based on my knowledge of Goosebumps but actual memories are sparse. I suppose this isn't the most memorable book in the series though. Overall, it's an acceptable but forgettable Goosebumps book.

My rating: 2 1/2 hands out of 5

Up Next!

The Werewolf of Fever Swamp is next up on the list. I am actually pretty interested to see RL Stine's take on werewolves. I know there are at least a couple werewolf books and this is his first. Will there be full moons and silver bullets? Check back next time, same Goosebump's time, same Goosebumps channel.