#20 The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight

Shameless Pandering for Gifts

It happens to be my birthday today and if you would like to give me the gift of Goosebumps feel free to buy me a book off of my Amazon wishlist: http://amzn.com/w/6REQ148ZCYQI . If not (and I fully expect no one to) read on!

Judging a Book by its Cover

The cover does its job. It's a kinda creepy scarecrow, what did you expect? Why does it have to be a full moon? Isn't a crescent moon spooky enough? I guess not.

The tagline on the front is "It's a Field of Screams!" Now that is the kind of excellent punwork I expect on the front of a Goosebumps book. It almost makes up for the boring as heck, "They're Alive!" on the back. All in all a C+ for taglines.

Ultimately there is not much to talk about on the cover so lets just jump right in.

Getting Goosebumps

This book is from the first person perspective of generic tween girl Jodie and her slightly younger brother Mark. They are going to their grandparent's corn farm for the summer. Jodie is excited but Mark packed his bag with 90's entertainment staples like a Walkman with cassettes, and a Gameboy with plenty of cartridges. Hopefully he packed a crapload of double A batteries too.

Now at gramps' farm there lives Stanley and his son, E-I-E-I-O. Ahem, sorry about that. Stanley is kind of a Simpleton who works for the grandparents. He lives in the guesthouse with his teenage son Sticks. Where is the mom in the picture? I think I am giving that more thought than RL Stine did. She's just not there, now forget about it. Besides being a simpleton, Stanley also believes in superstition. He has a large book that tells him about good and bad luck. Also he mentions that, "the scarecrow walks at midnight." Because that's what the title of the book is so someone had better damn well say it in the story! Still a creepy thing for a weird simpleton to be saying to young people who just arrived at a farm. Plus it must be true because OH NO A SCARECROW JUST GRABBED JODIE'S ARM! Oh wait, that was just Sticks showing up and goofing around. Nevermind people it's only the very beginning of the book and I totally though shit was gonna start going down already. My bad. But Stanley does insist he can make them walk for real. Silly dumb guy.

Being at the grandparent's farm holds a lot of memories for Jodie and Mark. They spend most of their summers there. Grandma always makes delicious pancakes. Grandpa always tells them scary stories. But on this trip Grandma says they eat cornflakes now because its healthier. Grandpa can't even remember any scary stories. That's not the only thing that's odd. During the night the kids could have sworn they saw all the scarecrows Stanley made out there moving in unison. When they bring it up to grandpa he tells them to drop it.

They forget about it and go off fishing with Stanley. It goes well until Jodie starts thinking about scarecrows. One reaches out from the water and grabs her! She falls in and discovers it was only weeds on her ankles. Later on she thinks she thinks she sees a scarecrow lurking around the creek. She informs Stanley who is awfully worried and runs off. She decides to go tell her grandpa about it. She goes to the barn and gets locked inside by another scarecrow! Her daring escape is made after she finds a rope in the loft. There is a scarecrow outside waiting for her. As she makes her get away she bumps into Sticks and is suddenly very convinced that this is all his doing. Apparently he likes to spook "city kids."

Naturally with all this scarin' Jodie has problems falling asleep. She tries counting sheep. She tries counting cows. Then the scarecrow comes! The horrifying unliving being has her grandpa's face. In her terrified state she bolts from her room to find scarecrow granny. Eek! It's a dream! Because that happens in every single Goosebumps book!

In the Jodie and Mark wake to find that only grandma is home serving up another boring breakfast. The guys
have gone into town. They're urged to go ride horses, which they do. Two old nags are saddled up for them. They trot around for awhile before yet another scarecrow pops out for a fright. They're thrown from the horses and helped back up by Stanley. Urging them to keep this a secret from grandpa he rushes off to take care of the scarecrow. Even though Jodie still kinda thinks it's sticks she informs the grandparents, who laugh it off as Sticks' pranks.

Clearly what Jodie has to do is confront Sticks. She looks for him in the barn again unworried about getting locked in this time, and finds some scarecrow clothes, kerosine, and torches. Her snooping isn't appreciated by Sticks who shows up assuring her it isn't him. But she saw his stash of scarecrow clothes! Immediately she hatches a plan with Mark to scare sticks. The plan is to dress little bro up like a scarecrow and convince Sticks the scarecrows really are walking around. Not overly elaborate but it might be effective. With Mark in position all scarecrow'd up Jodie goes to get Sticks' attention. On the way she sees that for some reason Mark is following... But it's not Mark. It must be Sticks. To put the kibosh on that theory Sticks comes out and throttles the scarecrow, which is in fact a real walking scarecrow.

It turns out, according to Sticks, that simple ol' Stanley learned how to bring scarecrows to life from his book. He made an army and used it to control the Grandparents. That's why they serve things he likes, and don't tell scarey stories, which he hates. They are terrified of him. Because they started appeasing him he undid the spell, but clearly some scarecrows are still alive. Sticks wanted to keep it secret so Stanley didn't redo the spell but good ol' dad overheard the convo and went off to do just that. All the scarecrows have to be brought back to life so they can be controlled! Sticks talks his Dad out of it but Mark has great timing and shows up in his scarecrow costume. Stanley reads the incantation with a horrified Sticks looking on. He finally comes to his senses and gets the kids to run and warn the grandparents. The whole lot of them end up getting chased back home by an angry mob of living scarecrows. It seems they wont obey Stanley. Jodie's sneeze that makes Mark jump shows who they will follow. Mark. Dressed like scarecrow. He pulls off his scarecrow head to make them all do the same. It doesn't work though. Imagine that, beings with no internal organs brought to life by magic don't need their head connected. What actually saves the day? Sticks and some good old fashioned torches. With the scarecrows in cinders, Stanley proclaims that never again will this happen.

In the end, despite raising an unholy army of Scarecrows in order to exert his will on the grandparents they seem to keep him on at the farm. Very forgiving of him. Also, despite the horror his superstition book brought he continues reading it, just not the scarecrow chapter. Finally able to enjoy the stay at the farm, Jodie sits and relaxes. Wait, is that taxidermy bear moving? DAMN IT STANLEY!




 What I Thought

The bulk of the book is like every single Goosebumps and it's almost not worth talking about. If I was motivated I would make a checklist. Lets just run down a small list of details it had. 90's references (Walkman, Gameboy, Nirvana), generic tween main character, 1st person narration (which seems to have become the norm), trying to scream but no sound coming out, spooky dream sequence, someone being scared simply by someone grabbing their shoulder... So it comes down to focusing on what is unique about this book.

Firstly, what is unique would be the monsters. Scarecrows can be kind of creepy. A magically enchanted one can be extra creepy. It has to be sort of sinister though. These were just sort of aimless meandering piles of straw. They were also thwarted in the most obvious way possible. In a way I kind of liked that though. It's sort of like the Indiana Jones fight where the bad guy does a really fancy display with his sword and then Indie just shoots him. Instead of a very clever solution the simple straight forward burning up the guys made of kindling was the ultimate solution.

Also unique is that the "bad guy" wasn't really so bad. That is, if you consider Stanley to be the bad guy since he is the one who summons the scarecrow minions. I mean, he was a douche because he tried to force the grandparents into accommodating him. But making him "slow" made him a bit sympathetic. Regardless it is complete lunacy that they kept him hired at the farm at the end.

If you consider the scarecrows to be the badguy, well, they are disappointing. They don't do anything interesting and they are thwarted with ease. Even before Sticks gets the fire he manages to incapacitate one bare handed. They have no motivation as evil entities. Do they want to be scarecrow overlords of the world? Do they want control of the farm? Do they just want some corn? Do they want anything at all? Nope, they just roam around looking kinda spooky and being vaguely menacing.

One minor note I'd like to bring up is the title. It shouldn't be the scarecrow singular. It should be the Scarecrows Walk at Midnight. Actually it should be The Scarecrows Walk Whenever. The time of day didn't seem particularly important to their walking activities. I suppose that isn't as spooky a title though.

In the end this book is a forgettable entry to a vast collection of books. Nothing stands out as particularly interesting. Still, like all the books it's a bit of fun with a spooky slant. If you like Goosebumps it's just another book to read, and if you don't this isn't the book that's going to convince you they are great.

Rating 2 out of 5 scarecrows

Up Next!

 

I have gone through the first 20 Goosebumps books! Assuming I paid full price for these back in the day that is roughly 60 bucks worth of literature. Crazy! And what I am I gonna do now that I have gone through the first 20? 

 I'm gonna read Goosebumps #21 Go Eat Worms! I like books with exclamations in the title! Worms are kind of gross. The title sort of reminds me of the book How to Eat Fried Worms. That was a pretty good book. Will this be anything like that? Undoubtedly not! Until then, Happy Birthday to me and thanks for reading.

#19 Deep Trouble

Judging a Book by its Cover

Jaws. It's pretty damn hard to look at this cover and not think of Jaws. Sure, it's a hammerhead instead of a great white, but still. Jaws. It has the clueless innocent swimmer above and the toothy monster shark beneath. I am pretty sure they knew damn well they were evoking the notion of major motion picture Jaws and made it a hammerhead to make a little distinct. Plus hammerheads look pretty cool I guess.

The taglines are just what you'd expect. "Just when you thought it was safe" though they omit "to go into the water." Pretty cliche none the less. "Don't go in the water!" is on the back, and it's pretty uninspired. I want some bad puns dammit! How about "It's so scary, you'll wet yourself!" They shoulda hired me instead I tells ya.

Will this shark be the end of generic 12-13 year old main character? Let's take a look!

Getting Goosebumps

The book begins with William Deep Jr. (get it, DEEP Trouble, William DEEP. Clever shit here) looking for a giant stingray that has attacked several humans already. Our brave hero thinks he sees something lurking but wait! Someone has tampered with his air supply! He struggles to the surface, only to be heckled by his diving partner. His sister Sheena. He is a 12 year Billy on summer vacation, playing make believe. Really he is just snorkeling from the boat uncle "Dr. D" and assistant Alexander who are marine biologists. A fake-out beginning, who saw that coming? Everyone? Right.

Well Dr. D tells the kids to stick together and watch out for sharks that have recently been sited. Most importantly he tells them to stay away from the reef. Billy, however, is eager for danger and excitement. He goes closer and closer, until he gets grabbed by something and dragged away! Dr. D comes to the rescue and thinks it was just his nephew's overactive imagination again. They swim back to the boat, but Billy just can't stay away from that reef, he goes to it and steps on it to rest, but apparently it is fire coral. Ouch!

Later, on the boat Billy eavesdrops on his uncle talking to people from a nearby zoo. They are offering Dr. D 1 million dollars to catch a mermaid. Seriously? Only 1 million? I am pretty sure that a real live mermaid specimen, as it would shit all over science as we know it, would be worth way more than a million dollars. Hell, a run of the mill athlete makes more than that. Plus mermaids? I thought this was gonna be like Jaws, but it is turning out more like Splash. (The movie starring Tom Hanks not the tv show with a belly flopping Louie Anderson.) Anyway Dr. D agrees to do it, as he is in bad need of funding for his research. Bill accidentally crashes through the door and is sworn to secrecy by his uncle.

Naturally Billy is super enthused to catch the mermaid. He wants to be world renowned and hey, who doesn't? So he sneaks off and swims toward the lagoon. There he is grabbed, once again and he sees what is doing it. A slimy sea monster! Oh no! He is getting pulled under! He is... waking up. It was a dream off course. Undeterred by this, he sneak off to the lagoon for real. This time he is grabbed... by his sister! She knows he isn't supposed to sneak off. She is going to narc on him, but suddenly they see a fin out of the water coming toward them. Like an intelligent person, sister swims away. Billy on the other hand, goes towards it because clearly it must be a mermaid. Unfortunately it isn't. It is a hammerhead shark. It begins circling him, as Billy desperately swims toward the reef. He gets caught up on the fire coral and the shark bites down on him. Something however comes to his rescue. Another fish battling the shark? Nope, a real live mermaid! She fights off the hammerhead and Billy is thrilled. Then Dr. D shows up and nets the mermaid. As a reward for her good deed she is doomed to live in captivity!

Now Billy is a little remorseful. Despite being gung-ho about finding the mermaid after having it save his life he doesn't seem thrilled about them keeping her confined in a tank on the ship. She seems to communicate a bit like a whale, and mostly mopes around crying. How you can tell someone is crying underwater, I am unsure. Billy tries to communicate with her, and feed her. First he tries giving her chocolate chip cookies, because what tastes better than soggy cookies? Surely they have chips ahoy in her natural habitat! Later, assistant Alexander makes them some squid and Billy opts to give it to the mermaid instead. She seems to prefer this vastly. Shocking.

Billy seems to regret the mermaid capture more and more. At night he is mulling it over when he hears something. Kidnappers have come aboard to shanghai the mermaid! Billy, Sheena, and Dr. D are all powerless against them. Surely the strong assistant Alexander will come to the rescue! Unless of course they've been.... DOUBLECROSSED! They have been, apparently instead of a measly million Alexander has been offered 20 million by these unscrupulous folks. They make off with the mermaid and throw the kids and Dr. D in the mermaid tank, which they push into the ocean for good measure.

Stuck in a tank of water, sinking in an ocean of even more water our main characters are pretty fucked. Sheena is so afraid she literally says, "I'm so afraid." Now that's just great writing. I cant think of how they'd get out of this unless perhaps a whole gang of mermaids show up to save them. That of course is exactly what happens. Instead of being pissed about the fact that these are the people that caught their mermaid friend in the first place, they lead the crew to the kidnapper's boat.

Confronted by a marine biologist and 2 kids, one of the bad guys utters the most maniacal phrase ever, "finders keepers!" They start Dr. D's dingy on fire but the mermaids managed to free their friend. The pissed off mermaids then begin work on tipping over the boat, as Dr. D and crew put out the fire and escape. The next day the zoo shows up with a check for a million dollars, and Billy is worried that Dr. D is going to let them know that mermaids do indeed exist. Instead Dr. D lets them know that mermaids are just myth by confused fisherman. None exist. An ecstatic Billy goes back to the lagoon one more time to say thank you and goodbye to the mermaids. Instead he is confronted by the slimy tentacled sea monster that grabbed him earlier! Oh no! The end!

What I Thought

This was a bit different from other Goosebumps books which in some ways is a little refreshing. On the other hand, it wasn't very scary. I mean, none of the Goosebumps books are very scary, but they have supernatural elements that are meant to be frightening. Mummies, aliens, monsters and the like that our out to kill (or some similar motivation.) This on the other hand, had a friendly mermaid. The change is somewhat welcome but a little out of the spirit of the books. Still it has other things to be scared of like a shark and the deadliest beast of all, MAN!

Now while I assert that this book is a bit difference, it still has like 90% in common with all the other Goosebump's books. It stars a generic tween and a sibling that gets on their nerves. It has a scientist guardian which is pretty common, though marine biologist is a bit unique and makes for the setting of the boat on the ocean. That is pretty neat. While a lot of ones mimic the life of real kids with real problems, school, camp, bullies, this allows for an experience almost no kid can relate to. What 12 year old has snorkeled with marine biologist in the Caribbean? Besides 12 year old Caribbean kids...

The biggest creative difference is the big twist. You'd think mermaids would be the big twist, but no, the twist is the betrayal of Alexander for money. It's a bit of an ethical conundrum for kids. Do you allow the fairly obviously sentient, but weird, being to be put in captivity for money? Billy wrestles with this, as the fishlady saved his life. And then we see the depths people will go to for money. Alexander not only has no qualms about that or about murdering his boss and some children as long as he gets 20 million dollars out of it. So while ghosts or robots may be the villain in most Goosebumps, this villain is just a regular old greedy douche bag.

Now the biggest drawback to this whole tail is the drawback to all of these books and the reason you have to remind yourself these are simple books meant for young kids. It is all pretty generic. It ads nothing new to the notion of mermaids. They do nothing unique with them. You don't learn anything about them. They just have one in a tub and it's sad, then her friends come to the rescue. Hell, I don't know if they even wore anything. Were these topless mermaids or did they have shell bikinis like the little mermaid? INQUIRING MINDS NEED TO KNOW!

Also, there was the fact that Billy never got to save the mermaids in return. She saved him, they captured her. Badguys kidnap her, and will probably be even worse to her. In thanks for her rescue, you'd think it would ultimately be the kid that saves her but the mermaids are the ones that free their friend. All the humans manage to do is get their boat caught on fire. Then the mermaids tip the bad guy's vessel in revenge, and to help Dr. D and crew escape. Sure, ultimately the mermaids are free and in an act of goodwill Dr. D lies about their existence to protect them, but I can't help but feeling that the mermaids came out way ahead in the "not being a douche" scale.

Anyway, what I thought was gonna simple horror story about a shark, took a left turn to be about mermaids. While still being entirely a Goosebumps book it managed to tread some new ground (or tread water, right? right?)  and that is appreciated. Ultimately however, I can't help but feel with a few tweaks of uniqueness these books could be far less generic and far more memorable. And I don't mean by bullshit terrible twist endings either (I'm looking at you Welcome to Camp Nightmare.)

Rating: 3/5 mermaids

Up Next!

The scarecrow walks at midnight! Scarecrows even have scare in the name, so this must be a scary book. Their sole purpose to exist is to scare things. Crows mostly, but I am sure they can manage to scare other things especially if they magically come to life... I'm sure that wont happen though....

Gooflumps #2 1/2 Stay Out of the Bathroom

Happy April Fool's Day one and all. In celebration I'm breaking out the first book in the 2 book series Gooflumps. Despite being the first book, it is numbered 2 1/2. Instead of being authored by R.L. Stine like the classic Goosebumps series, this is apparently written by "R.U. Slime" Some googling shows that his real name is Robert Hughes, but doesn't shed light on if he has ever written books besides Gooflumps. I like to think that these books are the climax of his entire existence. So then, lets get into it!

Judging a Book by its Cover

  

That is a pretty convincing parody of a Goosebumps book! It's a little less slimely and drippy and a little more cartoony, but it's probably best not to get sued. That would also be why there is a nice red "warning" that this is not a Goosebumps book. An unauthorized parody! This spoof is just a goof! It also mocks the vastness of the Goosebumps series by promoting the fact that there are just 2 Gooflumps. Even with just 2, I never did complete the series, alas I only have book 2 1/2.

The title of the book seems to be a take off on Stay Out of the Basement. The bathroom is a bit of a more silly and scatological choice. Still, who doesn't fear at some point in their life, getting sucked down the toilet? Also, that bathroom has the worst color scheme I've ever seen. On top of that they don't even have the toilet paper on correctly. You have the sheets going over the top dammit! You put the paper on like that and you deserve a toilety death.

This even has the taglines on the front and back. "Terror in the toilet..." Sheesh, a janitor's worst nightmare. On the back is "Put down the seat, waste product!!!" Waste product? Wait, are you calling me shit? Uncalled for good sir!

Anyway, lets see what this parody has to offer. It could just be a cheap cash in on a popular childhood craze, or it could be a genuinely funny spoofy on a series ripe for parody. Which way will it go? Let's find out!

Getting Goosebumps Gooflumps

We start with main character Joe being chased down on a space ship by Roger and his Venusian mercenaries. But they are being lead into a trap! There is a secret chamber with a self destruct button which Joe hits with glee, trapping himself and all his enemies in a deadly explosion. Even though he died, surely he must have won the game. Oh that's right, it's a game! And here I was thinking it was set in outer space. Why you rascally start of the book, you tricked me! Mid-argument about the outcome of the video game they hear shrieks coming from the other room. Joe's sister is being attacked in the bathroom by.... GERMS! Probably, this place is disgusting, and it's all Joe's fault. And his sister isn't above being a narc, especially after he teases her about being afraid of the basement. Then Roger calls Joe "Homey" as he breaks into a rap. I'm not joking. That is what happens. Dear god this is cornier than Goosebumps already. For his finale he accidentally breaks the toilet. That's what happens when you fly to close to the crapper on wings of stupidity.

Turns out Roger's dad is a plumber, and Roger goes to get some plumber's tape to fix it up after conning Joe into admitting he is better at the video game they were playing earlier. When he returns and fixes up the toilet which is leaking everywhere, he is rewarded with a donut. A HURTZ DONUT! Oh man, classic stuff there. Anyway, Joe's dad shows up and has to use the bathroom and uh oh, turns out plumber's tape isn't that great of a fix. Now as punishment Joe has to go look for a toilet with his dad, which hardly seems harsh at all. After trying other places that were closed they wind up at "Gleepnorp's Sanitary Units and Appliances" Which has a big sale, one day only! Also, it has a sign that says "No Food or Drinks Allowed" only the R in drinks is rubbed out. Teehee, no dinks allowed. While Joe is outside finishing his rootbeer he hears a ruckus with some garbage can and see... Oscar the Grouch! Wait no, his Aunt Selma. Close first guess though Joe. They go inside to talk to Dad and in the ultimate of these "think it is one thing but it turns out to be another" gags the chapter ends with Joe thinking they are being approached by one of the toilets, but it turns out to be... Gleepnorp the salesman. I make the same mistake all the time Joe, don't worry.

Well the toilet-looking-toilet-salesman actually looks a bit more like an alien when up close. And he talks funny. And he mentions being from Polaris... New Jersey. Weird. Plus crazy hippy Aunt Thelma thinks they shouldn't by the toilet here. Dad hates Aunt Thelma though, plus this is the only toilet store that is open, so what are ya gonna do? They get it installed, and banish Joe to only use the basement bathroom from now on. Sister Cynthia was almost condemned too, but she plead to not be in with messy bro. Later, Joe overhears Dad in the bathroom, and no it's not what you think. There are weird lights and he mentions something about transport. Afterwards he acts really strange. He starts calling his son Joey which he hasn't done in years. The next day he misses breakfast to start a mysterious new project... Odd. Then mom discovers Joe messed up the basement bathroom already, good grief! Unfortunately, he can't clean it up now because he's gotta go to school!

After school, it's time for Joe to fight Lumpy Leudke which is a pretty good name. Lumpy, however, doesn't look so good. Maybe he is really sick, maybe he just doesn't want to fight. Only one way to find out! And the result of that? Getting puked on. Ew. He runs all the way home, and in the quickest transfer of illness in history, suddenly Joe has to puke too, but he can't make it to the basement bathroom so he uses the upstairs one with the new toilet. After Ralphing in the bowl, he flushes, and the toilet seat slams down on him, almost strangling hime! And the water feels like it's pulling him in! And there is a face looking back at him from the water! And there are weird lights like when he saw his dad in the bathroom! Oh no! With his last ounce of strange he pulls himself free. His mom finds him and starts worrying about his illness, while he's worried about the toilet. Both mom and Roger downplay his toilet fears, and mom goes off alone to clean it. Then she starts acting weird like dad. Later Joe and Roger inspect the toilet, and find a weird hidden panel with buttons.This isn't an ordinary toilet! Cynthia comes in to clean things with Darling Debbie products, which seems to be a running joke in this book and the boys decide not to clue her in to things, especially because they can't find the weird hidden panel anymore.

In the night, Joe gets attacked in his room by the toilet, and has to hide in his bathroom. He wakes up, and doesn't seem to think it was a dream, which is where I thought things were going. Apparently it was a legit toilet attack... Anyway, now Cynthia is acting strange. She is acting like she used to when she was younger, like a tom boy. She isn't even wearing her Darling Debbie makeups and perfumes! And mom is acting strange cooking all the time instead of going to school. Dad is acting weird spending all his time in the garage.The upstairs bathroom has been padlocked. That means Joe and Roger have to check out the garage and see what dad is up to. Mom catches them snooping and offers them all sorts of desserts, things she never used to do before. The kids resort to calling Aunt Thelma to no avail. What will they do?

Well they head back to the Gleepnorp Sanitary Unit store which happens to be located in Floville. The store is empty. Aunt Thelma's bike is there, and a weird van that used to be there is gone.... Come to think of it, the van was shaped kind of like a toilet. Coming to the conclusion that the family must be taken over by toilet aliens, they race back home. Mom is in space suit  welding suit and offers them a cheese ball. They show off the mysterious garage project. It's a giant toilet! Dad uses the cheese ball to show what would happen if a defenseless planet were to be overrun, but it doesn't work to well. Cheese is mostly kind of squishy.

Anyway it's finally spilled that they are aliens bend on destroying the world, and Cynthia is the supreme commander! Aunt Thelma and Gleepnorp show up, apparently all in on this foul plot. Joe and Roger escape to Roger's house, and decide they have to do something about it. But what? Well apparently arm themselves with a noise making toy and head back to the bathroom that seems to have started it all. They sneak in from the outside. Then they arm themselves further with some Darling Debbie Disinfectant. Then they tinker with the toilet's secret panel and... FLUSH!

It sucks them in, and they go black for awhile, before waking up in a giant toilet like the one in their garage. Everything around them is slimy and they hear a familiar yells. The family members are all there in holding pods! Joe lets them loose, and Dad proves he is the real deal, despite calling him Joey at first. He tweaks his ear and says his name Joe instead of Joey the second time. Just like dad hasn't done since this incident arose! But only Mom, Dad, and Cynthia are there. No Aunt Thelma. Just then, the REAL Gleepnorp shows up, a disgusting alien. Apparently they are invading the planet through toilet portals, and replaced Joe's family with robots. Roger uses his toy noise maker, which at first amuses Gleepnorp, but as he plays with the settings eventually finds Polaris "Death Whistle" which incapacitates him, then Joe uses the Darling Debbie Disinfectant which melts him into a pile of goop. After this fiasco dad manages to get them all back home, because he is an engineer and thus understands this stuff.

At home, they break out of the locked up bathroom and discover that Aunt Thelma has been busy at work. She got "Gleepnorp" the toilet salesman out of alien mind control, and together armed with machetes they hacked apart the family imposter robots. Turns out she knew about this alien plot the whole time because, get this, she subscribes to "Wacko Monthly." Crazy Aunt Thelma knew what was going on all along, thank goodness. Now mom is back to cooking crummy snacks like microwave popcorn, dad's getting ready for work and Cyntha is trying to explain to her friends why she'd been acting like a tomboy. Meanwhile Joe and Roger come up with rap #2 of the book, and head back to Roger's house where his dad is installing a new toilet he got from Floville... Uh oh! Better get your Darling Debbie Disinfectant Ready!

The end.

What I Thought

First thoughts: Pretty good!

Did it feel like a Goosebumps book parody? Kind of! It followed the general course of a Goosebumps book. It took inane childish banter, and made it even more inane. The kids were constantly calling each other names, and making sarcastic comments. Sometimes it got a bit annoying, but that was part of the effect I suppose. He also had the cliff hanger endings to chapters resolving with something ordinary thing down. It could have gone to even more ridiculous extremes though. As for the chapters themselves, they were longer. That was to my liking. The writing itself felt a little bit better than Goosebumps or at least it felt like a better writing trying to go down to a youngsters level (in parody.) Also it could have used some red herrings. It was easy to tell the whole time what was happening and nothing was misleading except the aunt.

The story felt like it could have been a Goosebumps story if it wasn't so scatological. Also things like a crazy aunt wielding a machete probably wouldn't fly in Stine's world. That's too bad, Goosebumps could use more machetes. In fact, Goosebumps could use Danny Trejo character Machete.

Overall though, it didn't feel different enough from a Goosebumps book. It's like it took the formula, and pushed on it a little, but it could have pushed it so much further. He could had made fun of the writing style harder. Make a chapter only 5 words long. Make fun of "trying to scream but no sound coming out." Sure he wrote things more ridiculous than Goosebumps, but he could have made fun of how ridiculous it is. And the ending could have been batshit crazy. This had a silly ending, but not nearly as silly as some genuine Goosebump endings. The rapping was pretty damn ridiculous though, I'll give him that.

Anyway, some things were done right. It had more characterization. The main character was kind of a butthead. He had a personality. It was a douchey personality, but it was different than the general Goosebumps character. His sister was a compulsive neat freak, that gave some personality to her. I suppose it has the advantage of being a 2 book series instead of a 60 book series.

All in all it was a fun little book. It took the fun of a classic Goosebumps and made it a little goofier, and that's not a bad thing. I think if you like the Stine series, you would probably enjoy this book as well. I kind of wonder how I felt about it as a kid though. A lot of the dialogue is kind of mocking how kids interact, and as an adult I appreciate it, but as a kid? Ah well.

Rating: 4 out of 5 toilets

Up Next

Well next up in the Gooflump series is "Eat Cheese and Barf." Unfortunately I don't own this book. If you want me to read it, consider buying it for me off my amazon wishlist here: http://amzn.com/w/6REQ148ZCYQI If you don't, no worries I still have plenty of Goosebumps left to cover.

The actual next book I'll read is back to the classic series. Goosebumps #19: Deep Trouble. Thanks for reading, and Happy April Fools Day!

#18 Monster Blood II

Judging a Book by its Cover

Alternate Title: Attack of the Giant Hamster. He's a pretty mean looking bugger. The perspective of the photo makes it look scarier. Like you're looking up at him, because your tiny. Really that would just mean he's on a giant desk though. And the monster blood is oozing off of it. It's one of those rare times when the book borders compliment the book, being that they are pretty much green ooze themselves.

The tagline on the front is "He's one hungry hamster!" That just makes him sound obese, and not enormous in a scary way. "It's baaack...." is the uninspired tagline on the back. Disappointing.

All in all, I only have one thing to say, "Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist!"

Getting Goosebumps

We start out with star of Monster Blood I, Evan and his dog Trigger. It seems Trigger somehow got a hold of monster blood again and is growing ever bigger. He grabs Evan and buries him in the garden. Oh no! Book over! Shortest book yet. Oh wait, he was just day dreaming in class. It seems he hasn't quite gotten over the antics of the first book. No one in Atlanta believes what happened and he's getting in trouble with his science teacher. As punishment he has to clean out the class's pet hamster cage. If that wasn't bad enough he keeps being hassled by school bully Conan "The Barbarian" Barber. The kid is only twelve but apparently looks as though he's 32... which frankly is kind of creepy.

At least everything goes smoothly with cleaning the hamsters cage, right? Wrong. Cuddles the hamster escapes and rather boldly for a hamster, jumps out the window and scurries around the school grounds. Guess who finds him? Evan? No! Conan, and he wants to force Evan to sing to get Cuddles back. What a dick. The science teacher shows up just in time for Conan to make Evan look even worse. Things just aren't going well for this kid. You'd think it was all uphill from his first dealing with monster blood.

Well in a convenient turn of plot, Evan's old tomboy friend Andrea, or "Andy" shows up in Atlanta. Apparently her parents moved somewhere and she is staying there with relatives as long as is necessary for the book. She even brought the old canister of monster blood with her! And, uh-oh, there is still some inside. On top of that, it's growing! While they briefly consider using it to prove Evan isn't crazy, after it nearly turns up in the hands of Conan they decide they need to dispose of it.Burying it is deemed the best method.

Later, Evan goes to tryout for the basketball team. After being slammed in the face in with a basketball, and somehow being dunked in the hoop by a middle schooler Evan fails to make the team. And Mr. Science teacher coach is blamed for letting Conan walk all over Evan. Andy dreams up the idea of using the monster blood to feed to Cuddles the hamster as a way of getting back at Mr. Science Teacher Coach. Evan goes along with it but when they try and dig it up, the monster blood is gone! Conan is the suspected culprit, and to prove it they commit breaking and entering.

Once they retrieve the can of monster blood and narrowly escape being caught by Conan they decide the best course of action is just to bury it again. Or do they? Well it turns out Andy decides Evan "needs a laugh" so she fed Cuddles the hamster some monster blood. By school the next day, Cuddles is the size of a large rabbit. Evan comes in early the morning after to discover that Cuddles got big enough to bust out of its cage. He puts a conveniently placed dog leash on it, and cuts class. The teacher however, thinks it's pretty rad to have a giant hamster... that is until the next day...

Yes, Cuddles is like 10 feet tall the day after. It is raising all sorts of hell, with the teacher trying to tame him like a lion and having no success. There is only one solution: Evan has to eat some of the monster blood to combat it. He eats enough so he starts growing immediately. When he himself is 10 feet tall he tries to confront the beast, but as he is still outweighed the hamster dominates him. Evan stops growing and can't figure out why. Just as the hamster is about to sink its teeth into him, POOF everything is back to normal. What the hell? Well, it turns out that can of monster blood has an expiration date, and its today. CONVENIENT!

In the end, Conan made to look like a fool because he was crying for mommy when confronted by Cuddles. Evan was made to look like a hero since he bravely ate the repulsive goo. As a reward, he received the now normal sized Cuddles. Andy, the loyal side kick, got a package in the mail from her parents. Guess what it is? More monster blood! Oh man. Hey, where is Cuddles? HEY! WHAT IS CUDDLES EATING?

The end.

What I Thought of it

Hamsters! Not what I'd call a scary monster. Even a big one doesn't seem particularly scary to me. Maybe if it was Godzilla sized. That might have been cooler. Still, I guess it is something familiar to kids and the idea of one getting huge and terrorizing the school is pretty fun. Sadly however, it's reign of terror is short. In Stine's books there is a decent amount of buildup but then everything gets solved in a couple really short chapters. Sometimes I think if he just lengthened the books by about 50% they would improve about 100%. And it's not like kids couldn't read just a little bit more.

Anyway. Sequel. I believe this is the first direct sequel to a previous book. Truth be told, I already forgot about a bit of the previous Monster Blood. Andy I like as a character. She is a bit memorable as far as Goosebumps characters go. Evan is as generic a protagonist as they come. He doesn't grow as a character any, but I suppose that isn't what these books are about. They are about having fun with kind of freaky events. This book is more fun than freaky. But as its aimed at 10 year olds, that's probably ok.

Now, about the ending. 9 times out of 10 the overly silly stupid Stine ending bugs the crap out of me. This one I kind of liked. Sure it being the expiration date was kind of a lame gag... but it was lame enough to make me chuckle. The notion that this sci-fi, magic, poweful mystic goo has an expiration date? Classic! I'll allow it.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Conans

Up Next

Next up in the series is Deep Trouble which I believe is part Jaws, part Creature From the Black Lagoon, and Part Splash. However, the next book I read is gonna be a special surprise. Check back in a couple weeks for that.

#17 Why I'm Afraid of Bees

Judging a Book by its Cover:

Why I'm Afraid of Bees. Gee, why could it be? Are they Africanized killer bees? Radioactive bees? Giant bees from mars? Oh wait, no, the cover ruins the whole damn thing. Clearly he is afraid of bees because he turned into one somehow. They couldn't just show a swarm of menacing looking bees and leave it to our imagination? They gotta ruin the plot? Lame. Plus I don't think the cover even looks that good. It's overly simple. I did have that exact haircut when I was a kid though. The hair on the head, not on the legs or thorax.

The front tagline asserts that, "He's no ordinary human bee-ing...." while plot spoiling I do appreciate the groanworthy pun. That's what I expect outta you Stine, no more, no less. The back tagline is "Right Brain. Wrong Body." So wait, is it only his brain that gets put on a bee or is it his whole head? Well color me intrigued now! Lets jump on in.

Getting Goosebumps

Gary Lutz is a klutz. I am almost positive RL Stine named him Lutz to trot out the clever nickname, "Lutz the klutz." He gets picked last for sports. They even have a special rule when he plays baseball that he gets 4 strikes instead of 3 to even things out. Naturally he strikes out anyway. He is also afraid of everything. The dark, his sisters cat, and bees. Nothing bad has even happened yet and he's already afraid of bees. Why is he afraid of bees? Because he has fears of everything. Story over. Anyway, it's a bad coincidence that he's scared of bees and his neighbor is a bee keeper. Even though he's afraid, he likes to watch his neighbor tend his bees. How does his neighbor respond? By cultivating his interest and turning him into a bee lover? Perhaps a future beekeeper even? Nope, he scares the crap out of him by covering himself in bees. Reasonable adult behavior. I'm sorry BEEhavior. Ah hah hah.

Still Gary is the average tween boy and tries his best impress the ladies. The way to impress ladies when you are a tween boy? Ride your bike with no hands. The way not to impress ladies when you're a tween boy? Almost crash into a car, swerve and hit a lamp post. He went with the latter, and thus was laughed at. At that moment he felt like switching lives with anything that doesn't get laughed at, a plant, a bird, a bug... I bet that's not foreshadowing anything at all.

Shunning the outside world Gary goes inside to use his computer and in my favorite early 90's reference to date in a Goosebumps he signs on to a BBS. Now if you're too young to know what a BBS is, it's a Bulletin Board System. People would log on with their old-fangled dial up modems and post things, play games, download stuffs and so forth. Gary himself was looking for advice on a game he was playing. Instead what he found was an ad to "Take a Vacation From Yourself." Somehow, apparently you trade places with people for a week. This was apparently spam before the era of "male enhancement" pills. He writes down the address in the ad, because surely other lives are better than his bike crashing, getting beat up by bullies, Lutz the Klutz life.

The next day he goes through with it and investigates the company. The worker there informs him that they don't just switch places with people, they actually have a machine that can make you switch bodies! With such an amazing piece of technology, they choose to pander to 12 year olds on a BBS apparently. No secret government work for this. Vacations for 12 year olds. She doesn't even mention price. How are they staying in business? Anyway, Gary isn't sure about it until he gets beat up on the way home. Clearly anyone else's life would better.

After a few days Gary finally gets a call from the body swap folks. Apparently a cool cat named Dirk wants to switch bodies because he needs a smart guy to take his tests for him. He seems unconcerned that perhaps someone is just looking to use his body for a week long binge of heroin and buggery. That's what I'd be worried about. The body swapping lady sets up her machines in the kitchen where it is sure not to attract any attention or questions from his family, and she goes about swapping his body. Unfortunately there were bees in the kitchen that kept freaking Gary out. Soon, he would be freaking himself out, looking at his bee-self in a window reflection. Something went wrong and he turned into a bee instead of into cool guy Dirk! Gary frankly tries to get the vacation from yourself employee's attention, to no avail. He only gets swatted away. His dad swats him away too, and his sisters cat almost eats him. Meanwhile Dirk is busy living his nerd life in his nerd body, buddying up with his new parents. Beekeeper neighbor finally comes and rounds up Garybee with his net. That seems odd, I am pretty sure beekepers don't keep track of each individual bee with such detail. Regardless, Gary finds himself amongst the horrors that are bees up close. Finally he finds his way out of the honey comb and vows to find the vacation place and somehow get switched back to himself.

Trying to talk to people doesn't work, they just hear him as a bee. He tries to type a message to Dirk in Gary's body, on the computer but he turns the computer off before reading it. Then he decides to go to the Person to Person Vacations building and talk to the worker. He doesn't really have a plan of how to communicate, but he'll figure out something. And something he does indeed figure out. She talks from behind a pane of glass using a microphone, so he lands on the microphone and talks to her amplified. Somehow his bee vocal chords can make English, fascinating. Anyway, good news is she understands him. Bad news is, Dirk wants to stay in his body. Apparently there is nothing she can do about that. She vows to think on what to do during the evening, but it's Friday and she wont be back until Monday!

Then Gary visits Dirk's home. Dirk's body's home that is. It, naturally, was acting like a bee and thus was no help. Left with only one choice, he visits Dirk. Dirk in Gary's body. Turns out Dirk can actually understand him due to some bogus sci-fi mumbo jumbo but doesn't care, he's keeping the body for no particular reason. Why he thinks being in this new family is so much better than his old one is anyone's guess, but he's hear to stay. Dirk swats him out the window, and then some bee's start chasing angrily after Gary. They follow him in a swarm, and that gives him an idea. He stirs up the entire hive and leaves them into Dirk's room. Dirk seems mildly concerned, but ultimately not afraid of bees. That's when Gary decided to sting him on the nose! But wait, bees die when they sting people! Oh what a cruel fate... An intriguing way to end a Goosebumps book though with the main character dying in an act of futility...

Nah, just kidding Gary comes to in his own body. It's never explained how that happened. Dirk's back in his body too and for good measure they become friends. Stine's lame endings strike again.

What I Thought:

First and foremost, this was an interesting new situation. It's always nice to have new situations to read about in a series so vast. Swapping bodies with a bug is a new and potentially interesting experience. He did spend some time in the hive, but it was mostly confused and terrified which I suppose is accurate. I felt like Stine read a pamphlet about bees and included a few details, but some things I question the accuracy about. I suppose scientific accuracy isn't the greatest concern in a children's scifi-"horror" book though.

Ultimately I had to keep reminding myself that this is a kid's book. They probably don't care that there is no reasonable explanation for Dirk to want to keep his new body and life situation. There is no reasonable explanation why the technology to swap bodies would be kept hidden on a local BBS and used for 12 year olds. There probably isn't a way to come up with a reason, so he doesn't even try. And kids probably don't care. But I suppose part of the fun of reading them as an adult is looking at them with a new elderly attitude.

Strong points include the details from a bugs eye view, the details of Lutz's Klutziness, and the general fun that is had from swapping places with something unusual.

Weak points are the general lack of detail had from everything, and the usual cast of stock family, bullies, and so forth. Also, enough with the trying to scream but having no sound escape. How about actual screaming? That would be an interesting change.

Rating: 3 out of 5 bees

Up Next:

 

Monster Blood 2: Slimy Boogaloo. I'll be honest, I barely even remember what happened in Monster Blood 1 and I read it just a year or 2 ago. Something about an evil cat-witch and some diabolical silly putty? I am most interested in seeing if this follows the same Characters as the last book, or merely introducing someone new to the Monster Blood. We shall see!

#16 One Day at Horrorland

Judging a Book by its Cover:

Look at that horny monster clutching the bloody sign. Is it part of the sign? Or is it an actual monster? Who knows! Also, why are dead trees so spooky? I suppose it's like a plant corpse. Imagine if these illustrations were littered with human corpses instead of tree corpses, now that would be scary. Anyway, presumably Horrorland is some fright based amusement park. Aren't ferris wheels terrifying enough already? Jeeze.

Honestly though, I like this cover. It's ominous and foreboding  while in the cartoony style and the color scheme is nice. It's another rare time when the dual colors of the border compliment the drawing. There is a nice bluey-lavender thing going on. I dig it.

The taglines add to the foreboding but don't offer much in the way of bad puns or lame jokes which is a disappointment. The back asserts, "the next ride might be their last..." While the front beckons, "enter if you dare...." Do I dare? You bet your ass I dare!

Getting Goosebumps:

The desert surrounds the Morris family as they cruise around in a little Toyota looking for the Zoo Gardens Theme Park which is apparently 3 things wrapped up into one. If you love zoos, gardens, and theme parks well then this is the place for you. Unfortunately for Lizzy her parents can't seem to find it. And her brother Luke keeps horsing around with his best friend clay doing manly things like pinching declaring "the mad pincher strikes again." None of this would be happening if Dad didn't forget the map! The best they can do now is turn around and try and find some place to ask for directions.

Eventually they get to a not so desert-like area and pull over to see if there is a map in the glove-box. It just so happens they pull next to a sign for Horrorland, that of course causes Lizzy to try to scream but no sound comes out. All the kids push to go there instead of Zoo Gardens. Mom and dad finally relent. They get there and immediately after getting out of the car, it blows up. I honestly did not see that coming. Since this is in a pre-cell phone everywhere society they are at the mercy of the employees of Horrorland, known as "The Horrors." These Horrors assert that everything will be "taken care of" and that they should just enter the park. I know if there is one thing I want to do after I almost die in a fiery explosion it's to go down a wicked sweet roller coaster. Dad is naturally concerned but Mom thinks the kids should wander around this death trap alone while they figure things out. Makes sense!

The kids see lots of The Horrors around. There is a wolf that even looks like a real wolf and growls like them! Also, oddly there are No Pinching signs which is a shame because Luke is a pinching fiend. They go on The Doom Slide. There are several different numbered boards you can take down the slide. They are warned that one of them is the DOOOOOOM SLLIIIIIIDE that will make them slide FOREVER! It's pretty rad and Lizzy comes out at the bottom with her brother, but they realize clay isn't there. He didn't come out the entrance either. They decide he must have gotten the Doom Slide and thus they must take the same one down. It does raise the question, if the slider on the board slides forever how does the board get back to the top. Do they have an unlimited number of boards? Doesn't that get pricey? Well sadly it does have an end but it is much longer and scarier than the standard slide they had before. At the end they do find Clay who is trying to hide his fright. Now they are in an entirely different part of the park.

In this new area one of the Horrors confronts Lizzy and urges her to get out while she can. Normally a plea such as this in a horror park would go unheeded. When your car blew up just 20 minutes ago in the parking lot, maybe you should be concerned. Naturally, the brush it off. They decide to go to the hall of mirrors which even has mirrors on the floors because if you aren't worried about lawsuits from exploding cars why would you worry about lawsuits from skirt wearing patrons? They all get separated and when the unite the realize the are actually in different rooms separated by glass. Suddenly the walls start closing in on them and Lizzy groans "Graaaaarrrrg!" Wait no, that was Chewbacca. Wrong story. They groan and fight but to no avail. Just when the think the are going to be crushed the floor opens up and they fall outside. Luke loves it, but this proves to be too much for Lizzy and Clay who begin wondering if you can in fact die of fright.

Finally it was decided it was time to seek out their parents. Though Luke seemed to be loving it Lizzy and Clay had had enough and the parents were probably looking for them. They walked trough a path with tree snakes, and through a barn with bats that scared the bajeezus out of Lizzy before finally getting back to the area with the Doom Slide. Mom and dad were nowhere to be found. The asked one of the Horrors if he'd seen them and he assured them he did. They left a half an hour ago. The left a message though, "Goodbye." That doesn't raise their moods! They find themselves near an alligator pound when suddenly someone grabs Lizzy to push her in! Wait nevermind, it's just her dad greeting her.

Now that they have their parents it's time to see about heading out. They do want to ride at least one ride before they go, so they go into a coffin canoe ride as it heads towards the entrance. The float about in coffins and it's actually rather relaxing until the lids slam shut! Everyone understandably loses their shit and thrashes about screaming. Eventually the caskets open and they all agree that it was a little too much. It's time to leave. But none of the ticket windows are open. They don't have a car to leave as theirs is freshly exploded. Also the gate out is padlocked shut. Just as they are really worrying all the horrors of the park show up and thank them for being on their hidden game show on Monster TV! But as there are still several chapters left there has got to be more....

The are ushered into a room where an announcer says they have a minute to make it out alive. Monsters of all sorts rush at them. Awful birds, "furry snakes", manbearpigs, and other such horrors. Everyone is terrified, and convinced it is the end until finally the timer winds down and it is revealed that 3 out of 5 of them survived! Correction, 5 out of 5. Then in Mr. Stine's favorite contrivance the floor comes out from under them and they are face to face with the MC Horror. Dad chews her out, and Lizzy tries to rip off her mask. But it's not a mask! The are REAL monsters and Monster TV is real. It's a channel FOR MONSTERS! Oh Shit! The monsters corner them against a purple pond and assure them it is time to leave, and going into that pond is the only way out. If they don't go willingly the will be pushed. Drowning in purple goo isn't perhaps the most menacing threat, but I suppose it gets the job down.

Lizzy however has a last ditch effort in mind. She remembers all those strange no pinching signs so... THE MAD PINCHER STRIKES AGAIN. And it works. I shit you not it works. Pinching these godless abominations DEFLATES them. They pinch all the can and make a run for the exit. But wait, there car is exploded! Time to steal a bus conveniently sitting there with the keys in it. The gun it and make it out of the park, celebrating the whole way home. When they get home the realize there is a horror stuck to the back of the bus. He has their free passes for next year, DUN DUN DUUUNNNN!

The end.

What I Thought:

Lizzy, like almost of Stine's characters is pretty nondescript and generic. Her sibling like almost all the siblings is kind of a jerk. Her parents are generic parents. Now I know these are kids books meant to appeal to a broad range, but it's getting underwhelming experiencing these flat characters over and over again. I am pretty sure it's possible to create a relate-able children's character with some personality. I guess asking for it 60-some books in a row is pushing it...

Still, this Goosebumps entry like the rest does offer some fun. In fact, it may have more interesting situations being that instead of taking place a suburb over several days it all takes place in one afternoon. An afternoon at an amusement park at that! Still he could have gotten a tad more inventive than "Slide of Doom" and "Bat Barn."


As usual though, the topic staring me in the face is the ending. I wonder what 9 year old me would think of this ending. I have to admit, the Monster TV idea is kind of clever. The pinching however? Seriously? Pinching? It makes the Wicked Witch of the West look like a badass by comparison for being thwarted by a hefty bucket of water. And why deflating? Are the monsters full of air? Could you pop them? How do they have mass enough to push the kids around? Could you use them as a floatation device in case of emergency? Am I thinking about this too much? Yes. Still, why pinching? For God's sake, WHY PINCHING?

In conclusion typical depth-less characters, fun romp through exciting spooky amusement situations, and really dumb ending. Also, someone tried to scream but couldn't. Goosebump book achieved.

Raiting: 3 out of 5 spooooooky ferris wheels (with extra spookiness)

Up Next:

Why I'm Afraid of Bees. It is a strong contender for my least favorite Goosebumps cover ever. You'll see. The little I remember is that his neighbor is a bee farmer, and somehow he turns into a bee. Will there be an homage to classic horror movie, and horror movie remake The Fly? I don't know, because I haven't seen either of those movies. Catch ya on the next blog!