Broken Dolls - 30 Tales to Give You Goosebumps #9

It's time once again for you to get Goosebumps. The daily horror for October 10th is a tale called "Broken Dolls." My guess is it's about a boy who rips the heads off his sister's Barbies. Naturally the rise up against him, and rip his own head off. There is only one way to see if my guess is right. I've gotta read it.

12 year old Tamara Baker is at the craft fair with her family and she gets saddled with the job of watching her jerk of a younger brother named Neal. What makes me call him a jerk? Well for starters he has the habit of breaking his sister's dolls.

While browsing the various goods of the fair Tamara comes upon an old lady selling amazingly realistic dolls. As a doll collector Tamara appreciates their quality. Really I think she should be looking for dolls made strong enough to stand up to asshole 7 year old but what do I know.
The old lady doll maker takes a liking to young Neal. She offers him a cookie and oddly seems to touch his head in some sort of strange benediction.

After time passes Neal seems to be acting strange. He gets a fever and has weird goop in his hair. He refers to the goop as "dolly jelly." That is definitely not normal even for a 7 year old, and 7 year olds are weird as hell. He seems to get even more ill and mumbles strangely about not wanting to become a doll.

Figuring the doll seller might have poisoned his cookie or something, Tamara heads back to the crafts fair to check out her trailer. There are some odd dolls in there. Weird ones without faces. One with the same strange goop that Neal had in his hair. In fact, the vague face on the doll looks like Neal's. The dolls in the trailer come to life as Tamara realizes strange things indeed are afoot. She quickly and wisely exits the trailer.

Outside the doll seller finds her. She threatens Tamara with the "dolly jelly" but Tamara is deft and steals it. How do you dispose of mysterious goop that turns people into dolls? You throw it in the pool, duh. The results are alarming as the water changes colors and sends smoke into the air. It seems to have done the trick though. The old woman is gone, and the Neal doll is normal again.

At home Neal himself seems fine and normal. Well as normal as a 7 year old can be. He's a normal jerk again anyway. Everything seems normal in fact, until there is a delivery person at the door. The package contains what else but a doll. The dollar looks like a wrinkly old woman. The doll maker. She found them. But... she is a doll after all. This is one dollar Tamara gladly encourages her brother to break.

My Thoughts

That story was weird. I mean, yes, I know that is kind of the point but even for a story about humans turning into dolls there were some weird aspects. Most notably is "dolly jelly." What adult man comes up with an idea like "dolly jelly?" I can't even write it without using quotes because it's such a strange idea to me. There are some weird implications too. Like it is implied that the doll lady is impossibly old and somehow stayed alive extra years through doll magic... but like... how? I don't get it? So is she like, really a doll turned human? Because at the end she is a doll... Or does like... she somehow steal the life from the people she makes dolls out of... and when the magic died she became a doll? I don't get it.

But "making actual sense" aside, this story is a little creepy. I think everyone has seen at least one baby doll that looks more creepy than cute. There can definitely be an "uncanny valley" vibe to dolls that seem too real. Plus old ladies are kind of creepy.

I want to know what would have happened to Neal if the process was a success. Would he disappear completely? Would his body still exist but no longer have unique features? A "blank" human body would be pretty damn weird.

One aspect I find interesting about stories like this with an annoying younger sibling is when they get in trouble. The older sibling almost always is like, ok I guess I gotta save the annoying jerk. I kind of like that. Families gotta look out for each other even if they are pains in the ass.

I guess all in all this story raises more questions than it answers. It is a bit weird and not always in a good way. That said, it still is kinda creepy, and probably would have a chance to freak out a kid pretty decently.

Rating: 2 out of 5 dollies

I have probably explained a couple times before that these short stories are coming from the hardcover collection 30 Tales to Give you Goosebumps. I have probably also further explained that this collection is made up of 3 total previously released books. Tomorrow is the last story from the first of those books. The story is called "A Vampire in the Neighborhood." What it is about seems pretty obvious. I guess we will see if there is indeed a vampire in the neighborhood.

Click - 30 Tales to Give You Goosebumps #8

The month of 30 Tales to Give You Goosebumps continues. Today's tale is called "Click." Judging from the strange french version of the cover art above, the story seems to be about a boy with a terrible haircut and questionable fashion sense watching tv. Is there a ghost in the remote control? Maybe. Lets read.

Seth Gold's father just came home with a brand new universal remote control. This may sound boring, but the universal remote was a pretty new thing to behold in the 90s. It could control your tv, your cd player, your vcr, and even a laser disc player. For you young people, these are the things your moms and dads watched and listened to instead of youtube and spotify. Seth being a media junky was totally thrilled to have a new remote to control EVERYTHING.

It started out innocently enough with a marathon of testing by Seth. Why not watch the weather channel with a cd playing if you can? But then his 4 year old sister wanted to watch a video tape and there was a scuffle that resulted in a broken remote. He did his best to get it back in working order and things seemed to work as normal... at first.

Then comes mom nagging about how he's had to much TV and needs to do some chores. As a joke he pressed the mute button at her but it actually worked! She kept talking but no sound came out. I guess this remote really can control EVERYTHING.

Seth had more ideas in store. Slow mo on the dog. Rewinding desert so he can have extra pudding. Pausing class so he can cheat on a test. Take extra dessert at the cafeteria (dude loves desert) and muting the lunch lady's complaints.

But then there was trouble. First he couldn't unmute the lunch lady. Then a rival classmate took his remote. In retaliation Seth pressed the freeze frame button on him but other classmates could see it happen! The principal saw it happen too! She gets frozen too. 

This starts a general panic mob mentality against Seth who still can't unfreeze anyone. The mob chases him. None of the buttons seem to do anything at all anymore. In desperation he hits the OFF button. Everything is gone. The school, the students, the light, the sound, the world, the universe, all gone. Seth is alone in the blackness. Just Seth and a remote control that says "battery dead."

My Thoughts

Yesterday I wondered aloud whether this story would bare any similarities to the Adam Sandler movie of the same name. Well now I wonder no more, because it sure as hell does. The whole premise is exactly the same. They both have a magic remote control that can control the universe. I kind of wonder why no one got litigious. You think they could have at least maybe got the movie to use a different name or something. Oh well.

Ok. I know I've already compared this to the Adam Sandler movie but it's been a trend for me to compare these short stories to other Goosebumps full length books. The most similar one I'd compare this to is Cuckoo Clock of Doom. That story had a magic clock that sent the main character backwards in time. Yes time travel is a bit more common than a magic remote control, but the idea of this mystic artifact masquerading as a common item that can unravel the basic laws of the universe hold them close together as stories.

So let's talk about the remote. A remote that controls anything opens up a lot of possibilities. The short story format and the fact that it's a Goosebumps story limit a lot of those possibilities. However, I think even bringing up the idea of such a magic device to a young person and showing them a bit of what could play out would really activate the imagination of a child. Who knows, this short story might have been the first one to introduce a child to this general kind of science fiction device. That is kind of cool.

But is it scary? Well... a little. It is interesting how the remote quickly goes from a fun and powerful tool in his life quickly to a scary malfunctioning menace to existence. It would have been nice if the story could have been slightly longer and had some more consequences to his actions. The ending though... it's bleak. I mean it is played out in a comical way. When you think about the reality of it though. Seth just gets to sit in nonexistence presumably for eternity. See? Bleak. Very bleak. I hope this story didn't lead to any 8 year old existential crises. 

My conclusions about this book are that it is a pretty fun premise and ultimately an enjoyable story. Though this had the trademark twist ending the story wasn't entirely about the twist and the twist wasn't so drastic as to reframe your entire idea about what has been happening. This is a solid entry to the collection. Plus if it was good enough for Hollywood to rip off, who am I to argue?

Rating: 4 out of 5 Adam Sandlers

 Check back tomorrow for another Tale to Give You Goosebumps. Next up is "Broken Dolls." Did Adam Sandler rip off the plot from this story for one of his movies too? I guess we'll find out!

Mr. Teddy - 30 Tales to Give You Goosebumps #7

A week of Tales to Give You Goosebumps and I'm still trucking. In case you're unawares, each day in October I am reading a short story from a collection of 30 and reviewing it. Today's story is known as "Mr. Teddy."

So, the star of this book is Willa, a young girl who is rather spoiled. Her mom buys her all sorts of things for her collections like teddy bears and porcelain eggs. What kind of little girl collects porcelain eggs? Anyway, the way her mom spoils her really gets on the nerves of 11 year old sister Gina. Particularly at this very moment when Willa is begging mom for a new teddy bear that caught her eye at the store. Naturally, mom gets in and buys it for her.

It's good times with the bear at first. Mr. Teddy is his name, and he has replaced "Old Bear" as king of the castle. He gets the honored spot of sharing a bed with Willa at night. Old Bear has been dethroned. Mr. Teddy is much more soft and fuzzy.

Something weird happened the first morning after sharing the bed though. When Willa woke up, Mr. Teddy wasn't in her arms. He was across the room on her dresser, creepy eyes staring at her. She blamed Gina for the movement, which met with a firm denial with a smirking smile.

Next night the same thing happened but worse. Mr. Teddy left her bed went and smashed some of her porcelain egg collection. Gina again gets the blame. Again she denied it.

Third night Willa thought ahead. She put Mr. Teddy under the covers. Surely Gina couldn't reach under her covers and get him. In the morning Mr. Teddy was again on the dresser, this time the contents of said dresser were torn out and strewn about the floor. This actually seems like a step down from actual destruction of property to merely "making a little mess" but who am I to judge?

This is the last straw. To stop Gina this time, Willa moves her dresser in front of the door. She'll never be able to get in and wreck things up! The morning reveals just how wrong Willa seems to be. The dresser is pushed into the room and everything is totally wrecked up in there. Posters, dolls, stuffed animals all shredded and torn. Mr. Teddy, however, is standing triumphantly with doll parts in his hand. 

Gina has gone too far this time! But mom reminds Willa that Gina wasn't even home last night. She slept over at a friends house. This can only mean one thing: Mr. Teddy was the culprit all along. Willa destroys him at once, ripping him apart. Good thing Old Bear is still in tact. Good old reliable Old Bear whose eyes are twinkling merrily. Good old reliable Old Bear who is thinking that after this harsh lesson he taught her, he'll never be replaced again.

My Thoughts

The first thing I really noticed about this book is that it seemed to be aimed at ages younger than your traditional Goosebumps story. After I thought about it a bit, I think was wrong with that initial thought. I think it is aimed at the same age group, it just seems to be ABOUT that age group. You see Goosebumps usually star 12 or 13 year olds, but are probably read by 8-10 year olds. Kids like reading about people a little older than them. It is somewhat relatable, but also new and exciting. Willa, though I don't think is explicitly aged in this story, seems young. At the very least she acts young. Getting teddy bears and talking to them is an action much more like an 8 year old than a middle schooler.

Now. I don't think there is anything wrong per say about this change. In fact, if anything I think it is kind of good to change up the usual time tested formula of Goosebumps. Long have I lamented that they all start to feel the same. The thing is, that this change makes it harder for me as an adult to enjoy. Ultimately this isn't a real problem because this book isn't meant for an adult. It doesn't increase my personal enjoyment of the story any though.

Once again we can point to some similarities to full length Goosebumps. This one seems a little bit like a miniature version of Night of the Living Dummy. This is a pretty obvious one. Inanimate doll comes to life. Sister gets blamed for the destruction it causes. Yes the general feel and whatnot is different, but it is a very similar premise. More kids can probably relate to a teddy bear than a ventriloquist dummy though. I will  say dummies are probably more inherently creepy.

Is it a very scary story? Not super bone to me, but to an 8 year old? Well it might just make them keep an eye on their teddy bear. It also might give an older sibling an idea for a prank to play on their bratty younger sibling...

Rating: 3 out of 5 evil teddy bears

Thanks for reading and check back tomorrow for my review of the short story "Click." Did it inspire the Adam Sandler film of the same name? We'll see!

How I Won My Bat - 30 Tales to Give You Goosebumps #6

It's October 7th! A full week of these Tales To Give You Goosebumps are here now. Look at me, I did it! Well I will have done it when this review is over anyway. So where are we at? It is the 6th tale, "How I Won My Bat." I'm dying to know, what kind of bat? The animal? The sports equipment? Is there a haunted baseball bat? Let's find out in the next paragraph!

Yep, it's a baseball bat... haunted status to be determined. We do know however that middle school Michael Burns is an amazing hitter for his school team. A champion in fact. He seems to have some regrets though, now he will regale me with his story.

It started with a slump. Michael was actually a great hitter but things hadn't been going so well lately. He just couldn't seem to get a hit. Seems like he tried everything. With the big game coming up this was a huge problem. He coach was starting to doubt him.

That's when he met the strange little man. The man with the bat. Mr. Smith from the sports museum. He offers Michael a bat that will enable him to hit the ball and win the game. All he needs to do is promise to return the bat to the museum immediately after the game. Michael is skeptical but at this point he's willing to try anything.

His confidence is at an all time low when the game starts. His coach moved him in the batting order illustrating his lack of trust. It only takes 2 strikes though, before the bat proves its worth and hits one out of the park. He just keeps hitting homers too. He breaks records. His team clobbers the other team. It's a blow out.

Naturally everyone on his team is thrilled. The crowd is going wild. Reporters are there. There needs to be a celebration. But Michael remembers the promise. He's gotta return the bat. How can he go when the bat is so amazing?

Now at the museum his idea is to tell Mr. Smith he will buy the bat, or do anything he can to keep it. The museum is really great too. He's surprised he's never been to it before. All the sculptures of the sports figures are so lifelike. It looks like they have real flesh and muscle and everything. Now if you don't see where this is going, you're an idiot.

Mike tells Mr. Smith he can't give the bat back. He's gotta be able to keep it. The museum curator tells him that's fine, he just wants to see him swing one time. Mike takes position, and then in a flash it's all over. He's now part of an exhibit, frozen in place for all eternity. But hey, he does get to keep the bat.

My Thoughts

Child me probably would have enjoyed this a lot more than adult me. I used to be a big fan of baseball. Played in little league and everything. Never did get a magic bat though. Guess that's why I never made it to the majors, or apparently why I'm not a manikin in a museum now.

This is definitely a story where I think it helps to try and think through the mind of a child to appreciate it. There is no real monster, alien, or creature to get a kick out of. There is just a kids love of a sport and his desire to be the greatest, biting him in the ass.

The premise is not so far removed from fantastical sports films about young people I watched in my youth. Rookie of the Year, a freak injury causes a kid to be able to throw at major league speeds. Angels in the Outfield a young fan can see literal angels helping out his favorite pro team. Is a kid that finds a magic bat with a curse so different? Not really I guess.

I admit this isn't the greatest of stories but it's subject matter gives me warm nostalgia fuzzies in my heart even though I didn't read this one as a kid. If you remember a time in your life where you played catch at recess each day and played in little league each summer, maybe this one will make you smile. Admittedly that may not be the goal of a "horror" story, but this one just isn't scary.

Rating: 3 out of 5 cursed bats

If you're wondering what I have in store tomorrow, it's a review of the short story "Mr. Teddy." I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's about a teddy bear. Is it a HAUNTED teddy bear? Check back and find out.

Good Friends - 30 Tales to Give You Goosebumps #5

Welcome back to another review of one of the 30 Tales to Give You Goosebumps that'll be going on all throughout October. Today's story 5, "Good Friends." I think we'll learn that the real goosebumps are the friends we made along the way...

Dylan and Jordan are the "good friends" the title of this story seem to be referring to. Like all great Goosebumps characters they are in middle school. Where they are unique though is in their family problems. Dylan has an overbearing jerk of an older brother just dying to get him in trouble when he watches him after school. Jordan has a younger sister that plays with an imaginary friend all the time.

Ok, well I guess Jordan doesn't have much of a problem but he feels like he does. Little sisters are so annoying! That's why he always plays tricks on her and teases her about her imaginary friend. Dylan goes along with it because Dylan is a follower, and also he seems to be pretty meek.

Jordan in his deviant little mind hatches a plan to use one sibling to harass the other. Dylan's older brother has 2 pet tarantulas that would absolutely freak out Jordan's sister. I would just like to point out the detail that the spiders' names are Axel and Foley which I am pretty sure is a reference to Beverly Hills Cop. Nice.

The plan is simple, "borrow" the spiders, scare the sister, convince her one has eaten her imaginary friend. Kind of mean, but that's how older siblings get their kicks. Step one is easy enough. The spiders were secured with no fuss. They sneak towards Jordan's sister...

CAUGHT! Dylan's older brother caught him red handed. That's right, Dylan stole his older brother's spiders and why? So he could play with his imaginary friend Jordan and his imaginary sister. What a dweeb, he's too old to have imaginary friends!

My Thoughts

Ok, my first thought is, "that ending is like a rated G version of the Sixth Sense." Also, spoiler alert, BRUCE WILLIS IS IMAGINARY.

This story follows suit with the others by really gearing up for a twist ending. The twist ending here works pretty well though. While you are trying to sniff out the twist you are thinking about the spiders or about the sister's imaginary friend. Heck you might even be thinking about the mean older brother. But I don't think you were thinking "Dylan is the one with imaginary friends." He must be a creative kid. He invented an imaginary friend with an imaginary sister who has an imaginary imaginary friend.

Some aspects of the story remind me a bit of my childhood. Not the imaginary friends or spiders, but the relationship between Dylan and Jordan. I remember hanging around friends that were really mean to their little sisters for no apparent reason. It was awkward. I think I was always the mild mannered one, who was like "this isn't a good idea guys." Probably young readers will identify with one character or the other. I think one of the best things about these books is when a young person can relate to it a little.

Not to get too nice to this story. It still follows a very familiar formula and doesn't shake things up too terribly much. Also this isn't so much scary as it is a "mind freak." I think it could freak some 9 year old minds though. I mean.. what if I'm imaginary RIGHT NOW?!?

Rating: 4 out of 5 Axel Foleys

And once again I'll remind you to check back tomorrow and every day in October for another review from the short story collection 30 Tales to Give You Goosebumps.

Strangers in the Woods - 30 Tales to Give You Goosebumps #4

Time for the 4th Tale To Give You Goosebumps, "Strangers In the Woods." Be sure to check back each day in October for a new short story review. Anyway, here we go.

Lucy is dismayed to be going to her her Great Aunt Abigail's house in small farm town Fairview. Her dog Muttster seems to be dismayed too, because he is acting weird and won't get out of the car. Out of the car he does no better, barking up a storm at Great Aunt Abigail.

That night, something weird happened. Strange moving lights in the sky. Not stars, not planes. What could it be? Next morning Aunt Abigail doesn't seem to know anything about them.

Speaking of Aunt Abby, things seem to be odd with her. Her cooking tastes strange. She keeps changing the subject from the lights. Her driving is erratic. Could these be signs that something is wrong? Or is she just an old lady with dementia?  Muttster the dog keeps barking at her. Does he hate old people?

And the lights. The lights keep coming back each night. Alien spaceships? It's the only logical explanation! Suspicion confirmed when she overhears her aunt talking to someone about how her niece Lucy doesn't know anything, and won't until it is all over." She could ONLY be talking about an alien invasion. How does Lucy know? Because Great Aunt Abigail's face is GREEN!

Lucy has to find out what is going on for herself. She goes out into the woods she has been forbidden from wandering out into. The lights are there. Odd sounds, strange voices, lights blinding her, she has walked right into... a movie set? Yes, a movie set, and she ruined their damn shot too. Damn kids! There are dogs on set a movie person is using a dog whistle to handle them. Is that why Muttster has been barking?

Finally Aunt Abigail comes to find her niece. She even adds to the explanation that everything is normal by explaining her green face comes from a beauty facial mask. Also she lost her glasses and would rather endanger the lives of herself and her niece than admit she lost them.

Time to wrap this story up in a nice little bow. They have some hot chocolate before bed and laugh over the misunderstanding. Lucy even finds her Aunt's glasses while looking for a spare blanket. She goes to give them to Aunt Abigail and notices the aunt has green skin again. Also tentacles. Plus three lips and a blue tongue. She is awfully glad to get her glasses though!

My Thoughts

This has a lot in common with the last short story. A kid convinced something is wrong with a family member only to discover that things are actually fine only to at last to discover NO REALLY THEY ARE WRONG AFTER ALL. This seems like another story playing a bit more for humor than for scares. That is fine though, if we are being honest Goosebumps has seldom been very scary.

This also of course has a lot of things in common with various other Goosebumps books. The beginning where she has to spend her summer vacation with a strange great aunt and she really doesn't want to is basically the opening premise to Monster Blood and probably several others I can't think of right now. The end reveal is not unlike other Goosebumps finishes as well.

It would be nice if Stine used the short story format to play around with Goosebumps and try something different. This seems very much "the same," as so many other things. Once again he seems to be writing towards a jokey payoff twist that is predictable. 

Proper full length Goosebumps books can get to feel awfully samey and predictable after reading 30 of them in a row. I am worried reading 30 Goosebumps short stories is going to feel that way even more so if I can already see the patterns forming after story 4. I am eager to see something fresh, and this isn't it.

Rating: 2 out of 5 of Great Aunt Abigail's alien tentacles

Check back tomorrow for the Goosebumps short story "Good Friends." What can be more terrifying than friendship?!?!

Strained Peas - 30 Tales to Give You Goosebumps #3

It is October 3rd, which means it's time for Goosebumps short story #3, "Strained Peas." We all know that vegetables may be the greatest horror of all time so I am hopeful. If you haven't read the rest of this month's updates go back to my previous entries and get caught up. If you have, then read on!

Young Nicolas is waiting for his brand new baby sister Hannah to come home from the hospital. To pass the time he's reading a copy of Iron Man wherein the hero battles the villain Dr. Destro (not a real life character by the way.) He knows Dr. Destro from his birth mark, the mark of evil. Why is this an important detail? Well when baby Hannah is brought home Nicolas discovers that she too bares the mark of evil.

But how exactly can a baby be evil? Well for starters she immediately up chucks on Nick. She also stays up all night howling like a banshee. Now you may think this is standard baby stuff but Nick knows the truth. She's evil.

Of course baby stuff can be evil itself, but she was just getting warmed up. As she gets bigger she actually crawls into his room and eats Nick's homework. If blaming it on the dog doesn't work, neither will blaming it on your sister. To step things up she paints all over his parents' room but naturally he gets blamed instead of her!

She doesn't stop. The next day Nick comes home to see the walls covered in green slime! Truly a mark of evil if ever there was one. Mom said it was just strained peas... well strained peas are pretty evil too.The evil only escalates. Next she crawls to nick holding a sharp pair of scissors. She clearly is trying to murder him but NICK is the one in trouble.

Finally though, all becomes clear. A call from the doctor reveals Hannah isn't their baby at all! A mix up at the hospital means that they accidentally got someone else's baby! Firstly, this means there is going to be a hell of a law suit. Secondly this means no more evil baby!

Nick's new sister is named Grace and she's perfect. No evil birthmark, no puke or screaming. Everything is great. Nick even goes in to her room to play with her. A few tickles.  But then Grace does something odd... She threatens to rip off his arm if he tickles her again, and even reveals plans to make sure she gets rid of her brother. AHHHH!

My Thoughts

This tale is clearly intended more for laughs than for spooks. The only "scary" action itself is merely the punchline to the joke being set up by the rest of the story. Everything else is all in Nick's head, and I think most readers would realize that, thus making the punchline effective.

I will say though, that trying to think about this from the perspective of an age appropriate reader I think it could hit home with a youngester. How many kids 9 or 10 years old have a new baby in the family that no doubt have thoughts about, not all of them good. I was the youngest child in my family so my siblings probably thought these things about me. This is probably something a lot of young readers can relate to which is a good asset in these tales.

When the new baby was introduced could I see the ending coming from a mile away? Sure. Could a 10 year old see it coming? Maybe. But it was still kinda funny. While not a story that will give you literal goosebumps, it still had its own charm. Plus if you are looking for a unique monster for a story I think he nailed it.

Rating: 3 out of 5 evil babies

Check back tomorrow for the next Tale to Give You Goosebumps called "Strangers in the Woods"