#27 A Night in Terror Tower

Judging a Book by its Cover

 

Mwa-hah-hah, the executioner is here. With his bulging muscles he looks a bit like a poorly conceived professional wrestler. Granted, even in a "no rules" match I imagine most wrestling organizations frown upon use of a battle axe. Also, the executioners tailor seems to be a bit inept. His clothes have the strangest stitched together pieces. Can't the executioners union bargain for decent uniforms?

So anyway, here we are going to spend a night in Terror Tower. The name evokes a Disney World ride but if
I remember right it is more based on the Tower of London. This is one of those "vacation" books where they go off to an exotic location... like England! A safe choice because 9 year olds have almost certainly heard of it before.

Lets have some hypotheses about what will happen in this book. My first thought is that the kid will take a tour and the actors portraying historical figures will be legitimately sinister. Of course, there could also be time travel involved. A tower lost in time? Maybe it'll be like Scooby Doo and some cranky old man who is trying to dig up ancient relics wears an executioners costume at night to scare away visitors.

Enough speculation. Taglines! The front one is, "It's gonna be a L-O-N-G night!" Which is neither funny nor clever. F. The back tagline reads, "ALl locked up and no place to go!" which is a play on a popular phrase. Also it takes on the funny aspect of literally having no place to go when one is locked up. B+.

Now it's been awhile since I've written here because I am terrible at doing this, but lets get to it!

Getting Goosebumps

Terror Tower is an old prison in England where people used to be tortured. Clearly, the perfect place for children like Eddie and his sister Sue to visit. Of course, they already saw Westminster Abbey and ate some bangers and mash so what is left to do but visit a torture chamber? Well, they could go to another museum but tour guide Mr. Starkes puts it up to a vote and Eddie demands to see Terror Tower! Apparently it was a fort built by the Romans, until converted into a prison. Twas the first debtors prison in England you see! The tour takes a dark turn when Mr. Starkes informs them that they will be imprisoned and tortured until they confess to why they wanted to come to such a place. Just kidding! Oh Mr. Starkes, you rascal!

There tour starts off well enough. They get to see all sorts of family fun like executioners axes and the torture rack. But then the kids see a mysterious, hatted gentleman who doesn't seem to be with the group. Also, when Sue wants to take a picture, she can't find her camera. Is it lost forever? Nope, Eddie stole it proudly proclaiming, "the mad pickpocket strikes again!" Sue didn't even get a chance to take her picture because they had to keep up with the group and behold the wholesome goodness of thumbscrews and spiked handcuffs. Being the consummate sibling, Sue gets Eddie back for his theft by feigning grievous injury at the hands of the torture devises. Hilarious!

Now we hit the part of the book that gives the plot away. They climb the tower and Sue can swear she's
climbed it sometime before in her life. Then she learns about the tragedy of Prince Edward and Princess Susannah. Eddie and Sue. Edward and Sussannah. I don't know if I picked up on it immediately as a kid but the clues were fucking crystal clear on this read through. Yay for being an adult reading a children's book! Anyway the young royalty it seems, were imprisoned in the tower and ordered to be smothered in their sleep. The rest of the story is unclear because of Eddie and Sue's fucking about. Then they lost the rest of the tour. Panicked they wonder what to do when the gentleman with a hat finds them and tells the kids they must follow him if they don't wish to be hurt. They assume he is a security guard until he begins acting like a lunatic. The only solution of course is, RUN!

They managed to run their asses right into the dungeon. "Abandon all hope!" proclaims a thunderous voice as they enter. Boney hands flail out from behind cells and bodies are chained to the floor. They are dummies, and the voice was a tape. I wanted to think of a clever way to revealed that but I couldn't. RL Stine couldn't either though, so no worries. The weird guy chasing them is real though, and he's still a'chasin'! He done chased em into the sewer where a legion of rats emerged. Luckily Mr. Hat is scared of rats too. While the kids manage to evade the rodents by clinging to grips on the sewer ceiling, the creepy Hatman has to run away. Alas, his hat flies off his head and gets chewed to pieces. RIP Hat.

When they get out of the sewer they discover that the tour bus left without them. A crabby, disbelieving security guard sends them off to their parents' hotel in a taxi. When the arrive there is a problem paying the cabby. He doesn't seem to think the money their parents gave them is real legal tender. He wants genuine British pounds. Luckily he allows them to go in and get "real" money from their parents. Trouble is, there parents don't seem to be in the room! Luckily, in a massive breach of security a hotel worker lets them inside.No luggage or anything is inside the room and the person working at the front desk says it is vacant. Worst of all, the kids can't seem to remember their last name. In fact, while sitting down to tea and trying to remember their last name they realize they can't even remember what their parents look like or where they live. Did I miss the chapter where Gilligan dropped a coconut on their heads? The only things they seem to really remember is their own first names and what they thought was their hotel room number, 626. They can remember what happened today but not yesterday. One thing they also forgot, though only momentarily, is that a pissed off cabby was waiting for them outside. As they try to escape him they run into... the hatless man!

Now, with this meeting of the no hat man, he is demanding that they "give them back?" Give what back? Turns out the pickpocket strikes again. Eddie had stolen some weird stones from the weird guy. He tries to bargain for their safety by giving the stones back but he is the worst bargainer ever. Eddie just gives them back and then the hatless dude somehow does some dimension bending and everything goes black. When they awaken they are in a very old looking hall. Must be a historic part of the hotel. A robed man, however, informs them that is the Abbey. He also tells them not to leave, and that he smells evil on them. What does evil smell like anyway? Anyway, he also tells them their time is near. Judging by the evil smelling comment I don't think the time nearness is a good thing.

Not convinced that they were indeed in an Abbey instead of their hotel they go locking for the elevator.
Instead they found a restaurant of some kind, but not the one they found last night. This one has blazing fires, wooden tables, and a whole deer on a spit. Everyone was dressed weird and eating with their hands. Must be a costume party and not time travel! Suddenly every stopped to look at Sue and Eddie. One man proclaims, "it's them!" and the kids use the only solution they know. They run.

Outside they finally get a clue that they've time traveled. There are no cars or tall buildings, just haystacks and cottages. Because they aren't bright children they still are determined to look for their hotel. A boy talks to them and doesn't seem to know what a hotel is. You can tell he is from olden times because he uses the word "ye."

Suddenly Eddie disappeared. Then the weird hatless man appeared. But he has a brand new hat on this time. Yay! But then an oxcart hurries by and his hat falls off! Oh no! In the chaos Sue escapes and tries to hide. She gets a peasant woman to hide her by bribing her with the money her parents gave her to get a cab. Turns out they are gold Sovereigns which, if RL Stine was using any historical accuracy would place this time period from the late 1400's on. Immediately the woman turns Sue over to hatman. What a bitch! Can you not trust people who take bribes anymore? As Sue gets taken away her betrayer tells her that she couldn't go against the wishes of the Lord High Executioner. Sue wonders what an executioner would want to do to her, because she is an idiot

They get let out at, of course, Terror Tower. They are locked in a room confused and alone. Then a purple robed purple eyed man enters. Is purple even a possible eye color? Anyway, he seems dismayed that they have "returned." They "don't remember him, but they will." He calls them Edward and Susannah, but their names are Eddie and Sue. If it took you this long into the book to figure out that they are the same people, then you are clearly some kind of idiot 8 year old. Hah hah. Bow to my superior adult mind! Anyway, purple eye's name is Mogred the wizard which would explain the purple eyes. Anyway, he explains the HUGE PLOT TWIST to the kids. Turns out Prince Eddie and Princess Sue's uncle king has ordered them to be placed in the tower. Denying the story Sue wonders if Morgred is crazy. Sure, you traveled in time and got put in a Medieval torture chamber, but the wizard who says your a princess is crazy. Oh anyway, also their parents are dead. Now the kids are going to be murdered. bummer. Morgred tried to stop it by sending them forward in time and changing their memories but apparently it didn't work. Then, even though he spent time explaining all this shit, he puts his hand to their heads and restored their memories. Wouldn't it have been easier just to do that in the first place?

Anyway, turns out those weird stones the execution hard were part of the magic that sent the kids forward in time. As luck would have it, Prince Eddie stole them back again! It's an easy spell to do, but Mogred can't do it because if he does it again the king would have him executed. He doesn't think about sending himself forward in time with them because he is... say it with me... an idiot. Well Eddie stole the rocks for a third fucking time and finally got their asses back to the present day (which was like the mid 1990s) They are with the tour and this time the guide explains that on the night they were set to be executed the prince and princess mysteriously disappeared. Morgred is even with them in the future. Eddie decided to bring him with. I don't know why, that guy was all set to let them die. He may be a masterful wizard but he was outsmarted by a god damn 12 year old. Annnnywho, that's the end.

What Did I Think?

First things first, lets start with the cover. That generic, hooded, hunchbacked executioner doesn't really appear in the fucking book. The Lord High Executioner or whatever he was called had a wide brimmed hat (that was tragically lost and replaced as I have mentioned) and a cape. Did the illustrator even skim this book?

But about the story. I think this is the first time travel book in the series. (Tick Tock Your Dead was time travel, but it was a choose your own adventure style book.) Time travel is fun. Usually it's more of a sci-fi thing. Sometimes it's magical, like modern people getting sent back in time (like Black Knight starring Martin Lawrence!) but this is like... ancient people being sent forward in time.... and then... back... and then forward again. It's simple enough though, easy for a kid to follow...

But... is it too easy? I pointed out how they give away the plot twist really early and really blatantly. Too blatant for a 10 year old? I don't know. I don't remember if I figured it out that early as a kid. Maybe Stine was right to hammer the reader over the head with the evidence right away. I feel like a kid might have gotten more from a small peppering of clues over time. An adult reader surely would have!

How about we talk about the characters. Well... There were some... I mean, you don't get any real in his delorean.

characterization from these books. Eddie was generic boy. I guess he was a little easily frightened and a bit of a thief. Sue was generic girl. Executioner guy was generic bad guy. Morgred was... An idiot. I gotta believe even 10 year old me wondered why this numbskull didn't think to send himself back to the future with the kids

So I dunno. This just seems to continue the tradition of this series being shallow simple fun. There can be depth to kids books. Look at Charlotte's Web. Hell, look at The Lorax, and that shit was aimed at kindergarteners. I guess not everything has to have any meaning or depth. It would be nice if Stine had tried a little bit harder though. Then maybe each book could be memorable on its own, instead of just a cog of mass produced 60 series long literature. But hey, I had fun with it then, and it was still kind of fun now.

Rating: 3/5 Executioner's Axes

Up Next

There is actually a sequel to this book called Return to Terror Tower. It was one of the Give Yourself Goosebumps series though, and not in the main series. I never read it, and I don't own it. So the next book up in the main series is #28, the Cuckoo Clock of Doom. I gotta say, I think my entries will be shorter from now on. Really they have to be. It takes me waaaay longer to write an entry than to read the book. I am starting to see it as a little bit of a chore, when I feel like it should be fun. So I'll try to still a good job of saying what happens, but maybe condense it a bit. Catch ya next time.

#26 My Hairiest Adventure

Judging a book by its cover

Yes, that is a rather large Corona. It pairs nicely with Goosebumps. Really I should have read the Spanish translation of Goosebumps. I remember in grade school my Spanish teacher tried to get us to read it, but the problem was we only really knew nouns. Since the book didn't read "Hello my name is apple banana bathroom pants," it didn't really work.

Anyway, the cover. It depicts a boy shocked that his mother was right, too much masturbating will make your palms hairy. Seriously though, there is a problem with this cover. It's not scary. Not all the book covers in this series are scary, true, but it feels like this one should be, and could be. A major problem is the giant chimpanzee ears. Now if he turns into a chimp, then I will apologize shunning this attribute of the cover, but I feel like it should feel more werewolf than monkey. Also the way the hair is growing on his hands look like furry hobo gloves. Of course, a book about a hobo chimp man would be pretty good but I doubt that this book is about that.

The front tagline is "It keeps growing... and growing... and growing..." which is neither clever nor funny. D-. The back tagline reads, "he's having a really, really bad-hair day..." Now bad hair day IS kind of funny. C+. The tagline of my Corona reads "La cerveza mas fina." It's clearly a lie, (it means the finest beer) but it is suitably in Spanish so I give it a B.

Time to crack open this brew and crack open this book.

Getting Goosebumps

We open on Larry Boyd, a tween boy being chased through the snow by stray dogs. He trips, which is what

happens when you are being chased in a horror story but luckily his friend and band-mate Lily is there to chase dogs off with a shovel. Lily is unique because she has two different color eyes like David Bowie. Together with their friends, Crazy Eyes Lily and Hairy Larry (a nickname these tease him with due to his crazy hair) form the hot new rock and roll band The Geeks. That name could change though. Previously they were known as the spirit. Crazy Eyes Lily wants to name the band Pirate Gold because she has a necklace made of Pirate Gold. The arch nemesis of The Geeks is rival band Howie and the Shouters. They'll get the chance to prove their superiority at the upcoming battle of the bands It'll be a challenge though, because the Geeks don't have a bassist, or even a drummer for that matter. What they do have  is 3 guitarists, a singer, and a keyboard that they program drum beats on. Will they prevail? To do so they must practice!

Naturally practice can only go on for so long before you go out and play in the snow. Or if you are Larry, before you go pilfer through the neighbors garbage and fine fake tanning cream. If you are the kind of person who rummages trash you probably don't have any qualms about rubbing it all over yourself. Larry and his friends sure do not have any such qualms! When the expired Insta-Tan fails to instantly tan, the kids disgurntledly toss it into the woods and have a good old fashioned snowball fight. Suddenly, midst the fight, Larry falls ill. Has the tanning solution poisoned him? No. He has no ability to perspire and has to go to his annual doctor visit to get a shot.

That isn't the only thing making Larry uneasy though. When he gets home he is shocked to discover there is a thick patch of hair growing on the back of his hand. In a quick bout of "don't try this at home please" Larry uses his dad's razor to shave himself. His thoughts turn to the Insta-Tan. Have his friends grown hair?

No.

Meanwhile at school Larry has to deal with typical kid stuff, like being teased, doing book reports, being tripped by Howie (of Howie and the Shouters) and growing hair all over his hands. Again. Larry runs out into the hall where a teacher thinks he is wearing gloves. Gloves! The solution to his problem. He puts on a pair so no one will be the wiser. With this clever trick he i able to right out the day. When he makes it home he lets his mom know that he put on expired tanning cream and has been sprouting hair. Unfortunately she was on the phone and not listening to him, so he decides not to push the issue. Once again he haves his hand hair.

The next day starts off ok. No hair grown over night! But the neighborhood dog horde is after him again! He runs to his friends who chase the dog off. They decide one of the dogs looks like their friend Manny. What a weird thing to point out. This couldn't possibly relate to the plot could it? We shall see. Meanwhile at school hair sprouts on Larry's knees so he wears his jeans to class. An easy solution. However, he didn't put the tanning cream on his knees. Why would the hair sprout there?

After school once again The Geeks meet to practice for their triumph over The Shouters. The problem is that Manny didn't show up. They go to his house, but he isn't there. In fact, no one is there. Nothing is there. Did he move? And not tell anyone? Weird.

Finally, Larry decides to tell his dad about the tanning and the hair. His dad is extremely worried and takes him straight to Dr. Murkin. Murkin, like Merkin. Merkin like pubic wigs... The doc gives him his usual shot for his condition but seems not terribly concerned about the hair. He took the wait and see approach, but assured the kid that the tanning solution wasn't the culprit.

Larry remains unconvinced. At the next Geeks practice he inquires about the hair status of the rest of the group. Most of them tease him with the "hairy Larry" chant but Lily seems embarrassed. When questioned about the hair, she says she doesn't want to talk about it.

Later he decides to investigate the Insta-Tan hypothesis further. He goes to find the bottle of it he tossed to bring to Dr. Murkin. When he discovers it, dog horde emerges and causes him to drop and break the bottle. Drat! Meanwhile his hair growing is going wild. Meanwhile Lily is missing. And more curiously a dog with different color eyes and Lily's pirate gold following Larry. It has to be Lily! Plus, Lily's parents, when confronted, claim there is no Lily. THERE IS NO LILY. What a weird way to put it. Her parents are also moving.

However the show must go on. The Geeks replace singer Lily with Katrina who plays guitar in the band.

First they had to wait through Howie and the Shouters who were AMAZING. The Geeks were a bit sloppy. Larry messed up his solo yet the crowd cheered in amazement. "What great special effects" they cheered. What special effects? Larry was getting hairy again! Hairy Larry! But Hairy Larry won the Battle of the Bands. It is a bitter victory though because of his affliction. Finally his parents tell him what is going on. He isn't getting hairy because of the Insta-Tan. He is getting hairy because... He is a dog. Yep. Dr. Murkin's shots have been to keep him a boy, instead of a dog, but the shots wear out. He has decided not to change dogs into human anymore. It's too hard for the families when they turn back to dogs. That's ok though, because Larry is happy as a dog. He still gets to see his parents from time to time too. They got a new baby even! A little one named Jaspar... just like Larry's old cat.

What I Thought

I always rush to talk about the end, because the end is what I most immediately think of and frequently it is a twist that is stupid enough for me to want to talk about right away. This book is no exception but I always say I should talk about the rest of the book first, and finally I am going to do that.

So this book is a little unique amongst Goosebumps which is always a good thing. It's not scary in the traditional sense of having a monster or beast of some sort. You have hair growing all over. That is kind of scary in a different way. A medical way. Of course, hair is more embarrassing than deadly, but hey these are scares for kids. Also for a 12 year old, hair growing where it hasn't before is a very real worry. If he was a better author I would be convinced this was a deliberate take on puberty.

Having the battle of the bands aspect was kind of interesting too. While not all kids had a jr. high band, many did and those who didn't probably wanted one. It set up a nice rivalry with douchebag Howie and his shouters. I think everyone in school had at least one kid they kind of loathed. Someone who was better than you, but also kind of a dick.

Now we have the ending. Of course the ending was strongly hinted at. Larry can't perspire, neither can dogs. Feral dogs ravaged the neighborhood. I, however, hoped the ending would be that he was a werewolf. A bit cliche but far less lame. That would be a bit too much like the plot of Teen Wolf though. Still I didn't entirely see the ending coming because I refused to believe such a stupid ending would happen. I also thought that maybe the Insta-Tan could have been related just because the parents were so strongly opposed to that notion. Insta-Tan as werewolf potion?

Seriously though, why would a doctor turn dogs into children? I suppose just to show you he could, would be one thing. But we have enough god damn kids. No one needs to turn too many puppies into even more too many kids. What was his motivation? Better that he was turning kids into dogs as some sort of devious plot. Or breeding werewolves, which are much cooler than dogs which is why I thought there would be werewolves in this god damn book. Also, where are the lawsuits? This really can't be an FDA approved treatment could it? Do these dog-people have birth certificates? Social security numbers? If they got old enough could they vote?

All valid questions I think

Rating

2 out of 5 dog bones

Up Next

Now there was an interesting thing in this book. RL Stine named dropped Bruce Coville who was also a children's author. I only remember reading one of his books and that was Bruce Coville's Book of Monsters. I remember nothing about it except the cover. In my box of old Goosebumps books there were 2 non-Goosebumps books I have considered reading along with the them. Unfortunately the Book of Monsters isn't one of them, because I can't find it! I know I owned it! I'll have to look for it, because I'd be really interested to see what other horror was marketed at young people of the day. Some day I will find it and post a review up here, I swear.

Meanwhile, however the next Goosebumps book is A Night in Terror Tower. Clearly this is about a haunting in a Disney Ride. Right? Nah, I am pretty sure they went to some European castle or something. Who knows. I really don't remember any of these friggen books anymore. Also, after I read them, I forget about them really quickly. They all kind of blend together.

Oh well, until next time.

#25 Attack of the Mutant

Judging a Book by its Cover

Attack of the Mutant! Attack of the pretty generic super hero, or more it seems from the tagline, a super villain. He doesn't look like much of mutant to me. He looks pretty normal, just costumed. He has a pretty plain mask and cape. It's evident that when he wants to make a statement he does so with his architecture. Look at that bright pink and neon green building behind him, what a beauty! Such a stunning tower clearly would need that barbed wire fence to keep admirers away.

Now the back tagline says, "read at your own risk." Is it talking about this book? Or the book within a book? OR BOTH? So clearly we got a kid who likes his comic books, and one of the characters somehow comes off the pages and runs a muck. Is a guy who dresses in a costume to portray this villain at birthday parties, secretly actually have powers? Does lightning strike the comic book and somehow bring it to life? Is there a genuine "super hero" in real life who turns out to be a villain? Nah, that's too interesting, I'm sure it'll be something much dumber. Let's see!

Getting Goosebumps

Skipper Matthews is the star of this book. He's a pudgy nerd that collects comic books. The worst part is he doesn't even read the comic books, he just collects them as an investment. He never takes them out of their bags, except for one. Apparently he just has to read The Masked Mutant. For some reason this comic is named for the villain rather than the heroes, who are in the League of Good Guys. Despite having the most generic names ever, apparently this series is the best comic of all time (according to Skipper.) Now which good guys choose to face off against the Masked Mutant? Only the greatest heroes ever like, the Sponge of Steel and the Galloping Gazelle... Wait, why does this kid like this comic again?

So the problem with Skipper is that he isn't even the good kind of nerd. He's not that smart, and is doing pretty poorly in school. His little sister Mitzi narcs on him for reading his comics instead of doing home work and apparently his dad is not a fan of his son wasting all his time and money on the darn things. But he is a bit of a blow hard it seems, and never follows through with throwing all of them out. Skipper blows through his homework so he can finally get back to the Masked Mutant.

So the Mutant can apparently change his molecules to be anything... except he always has the

same mask. So when he is an octopus grappling with SpongeLife (The Sponge of Steel!) it is a bit of a give away when this mollusk has a mask. The exciting thing about this issue though is that they finally show the headquarters of the Masked Mutant. Oh boy! And it looks like a bright pink fire hydrant! Not just a mutant, but a stylish one too it seems. Naturally the comic book ends in a cliffhanger when it is revealed that the Galloping Gazelle is somehow in the headquarters.

Now, because Skipper is a nerd, he wears braces. He has to get them adjusted so he takes the bus (which he has to chase after.) He meets a fellow comic book collector on the bus named Libby. The problem is, she doesn't read the good stuff, she reads High School Harry and Beanhead. I assume this is a parody of Archie and Jughead? Regardless, that shit doesn't fly with ol' Skip. In the heated discussion about the lameness of her comics he misses his stop so he gets off as soon as he can only to find a building that looks exactly like the Masked Mutant's lair! Unfortunately he has to get to his Orthodontist so he can't check it out.

The next day at school he talks things over with his best friend Wilson. Unlike Skipper, Wilson collects rubber stamps. Not exactly an investment like comic books, but at least he actually uses the damn things. Wilson's plausible idea is that the artist for the comic saw this weird looking building and went on to model Masked Mutants HQ after it. So later Skipper goes to check the building out again but this time... it's gone. Libby shows up and Skipper gets conned into browsing her Harry and Beanhead collection before going home to find the new issue of the Masked Mutant has arrived. In this issue it is revealed that he has concealed his headquarters... with an invisibility shield! Curious...

Of course he has to go back. Naturally he meets Libby again and convinces her to investigate the vacant lot. The thing is, when they get close enough the building reappears! Libby, however, doesn't seem convinced that something odd is up. It is clearly just one of those cloaking office buildings. Skipper decides to take the elevator up, but it goes down. All the way down to the basement! The kids are a bit scared but after looking around skipper finds a room with art and printing tools for the Masked Mutant. Just when things are starting to make sense he finds a portrait of... himself. Libby wont be convinced of it though. In fact she wont even look at the page. She is committing to leaving, and Skipper joins her.

Later, while Wilson shows off the "best of the best" of his rubber stamps, Skipper tries explaining what happened. The kid didn't quite follow, and Skipper kicked his best friend out so he could think alone. Just then the new episode of the Masked Mutant arrives and guess who is in it as the Mutants new foe? Skipper! He tried to explain this to his folks but like typical parents they didn't listen.

So he heads to the building again. Of course, he has to! No Libby to join him this time. He is all alone, though he hears some strange noises. It's... The Galloping Gazelle! All tied up. He's real! And in trouble! So
the kid unties him and the Gazelle acts like you'd expect a bad comic character to act. He doesn't seem to understand that Skipper has no super human abilities. He needs him to jump a ways, to get past a disintegrater  ray, but Skipper slams right into it. Luckily It wasn't turned on.

Finally they find the Masked Mutant himself. The Gazelle unleashes his brilliant plan of running around in circles really fast. Seriously. Apparently this will create a tornado or something but his plan was foiled by the Mutant Sticking his foot out to trip him. Curses, his only weakness! In true Hero fashion, the Gazelle runs away and leaves a poor defenseless kid to fend for himself. Then Libby shows up and seems oblivious at first until the Mutant moves in for the kill. She pulls out a toy gun she calls a molecule melter, seemingly playing along with the nonsense. But then the Masked Mutant really does melt! It was a real molecule melter! And Libby is really none other than the REAL Masked Mutant Apparently the person he melted was the Magnificent Molecule Man, one of his hired goons.

The Masked Mutant tells the boy that he is now a comic book character. When he passed into this lair there was a beam that made him nothing more than ink on a page. So Skipper tries to outsmart the real Masked Mutant. He goes for convincing him that he is Elastic Boy. And Elastic Boys only weakness is sulfuric acid. Oops, he shouldn't have let that slip... or should he? Masked Mutant turns into acid and then sizzles on the floor. It seems he can turn into anything solid, but once he turns liquid he can't turn back! Skipper won! And he doesn't give a shit about comics anymore! Screw the Masked Mutant! The new issue arrives and he doesn't give a single fuck. Then he accidentally cuts his finger and bleeds... ink. Maybe he should check out that comic book after all...

What I Thought

What, so the super evil Masked Mutant, a grown man of sorts, turns into a little tween girl to hang out with an 11 year old boy? Somehow that seems way more sinister than I think Stine intended. Murdering Skipper would be like the least evil thing he could do! But anyway, I always just straight to the end of the book because that is the first thing in my mind after writing it all up. Lets talk about some other things.

First, since this is a comic book based book, Stine brought up a lot of comics. I find it interesting that he included both real and fake ones. Among the fakes were Penguin People, Silver Swan (there is a Wonder Woman character named this, but it is not the same), Star Wolf, and Z-Squad (X-Men parody?) The real ones mentioned were Captain America and Spawn... Which seems like an odd combo. I find it queer that he mentioned so many fake ones and then threw in real one. Like, I get the Masked Mutant and all those characters associated with it had to be fake. But why throw in stuff like Star Wolf and Silver Swan that seems real but isn't, and then mention Captain America and Spawn. Are those the only 2 comic franchises he is aware of?

Anywho. The comic book aspect was interesting, and unique. After so many monters, mummies, and ghosts, a Super Hero related Goosebumps was kinda fresh. Making Skipper a bit of a tubby nerd was a nice touch. The characters in these books are so seldom unique in any particular way. He even went the extra mile and made him collect comics for worth instead of enjoyment (except the Masked Mutant.) So that would make kids who actually like comic books even think he is a lame wad.

The problem is, making a comic book based story scary. I mean these books are supposed to be scary, sorta, right? So the key is making a good villain I feel. A guy who could turn into anything opens up a lot of possibilities. In fact they had TWO guys who could turn into anything. Besides turning back into a large ferocious feline, they don't use that much at all. The problem with Stine seems to be, once the bad guy shows up he has to end the damn book immediately. Let the kid struggle with things a bit!

The bad guy being Libby was a decent enough twist for a kid's book (though creepy like I have stated.) But then you have stamp collecting Wilson who is pretty much unnecessary to the story. He only exist to prove that Skipper has a friend, and to show off alternate hobbies in stamp collecting.

So, a book like this... It kinda makes me wish I could read a better version of this book. A world in which a Super Hero and Villain are real, but only known to one particular kid opens up so many possibilities! It seems like Stine really only goes for the laziest ones though. Kids have a heck of an imagination. They could have done so much more with this book!

Still, I gotta judge it for what it is. It is unique in its theme amongst Goosebumps books, and maybe that is enough.

Rating: 2 out of 5 super villains

Up Next

My Hairiest Adventure. It's about a kid who gets hairy... or something. I seem to recall the kid using some sort of potion or something to get hairy. I mean, I assume he doesn't want to be hairy on purpose, it backfires or something? I don't know, we'll see!

Also, apparently they made a PC Game based on Attack of the Mutant. I never played it as a kid. I never even knew it existed. Now, however, I want to play it. I mean, who wouldn't want to play it? I can't imagine it will be any good. Still, how can I not be enticed? I have no idea if I can actually find a copy, but if I do I promise to let you know how it goes.

Until next time!

#24 Phantom of the Auditorium

Sorry I haven't updated in so long. Christmas brought with it a whole slew of big person type books that I have been busy reading and I haven't made the proper time for some Goosebumpy goodness.Never fear though! I am back.

Judging a Book by its Cover

Here is the Phantom of the Auditorium... And a beer. Because sometimes when you read Goosebumps you need a nice refreshing adult beverage to remind yourself that you are in your late 20s and reading a kids book.

Anyway, if there was 1 word I would use to describe this cover it would be, "Purpley." There is purpleishness all over it. The phantom is wearing purple. There is a pinkish curtain behind him. The Goosebumps slime logo is purple and pink. Purple all over.

The titular phantom seems pretty much as you would expect. Not terribly frightening, but a bit mysterious. He is wearing white gloves that seem a bit more "snow shoveling gloves" than proper thin gentlemanly gloves. Perhaps the phantom store was all out of proper attire.

The taglines that I so look forward too aren't anything to special. On front it reads "He's out to stop the show... for good!" The back is a little more clever with, "Lights... Curtain... Phantom?" Ultimately what I am looking for in a tag is a good ol' terrible pun. Anything short of that and I'm going to be let down.

So I guess the most obvious thing this whole book is in reference to is Phantom of the Opera. Have they taken that and middle school-ified it? Is it completely unrelated to it? I wouldn't know because I've never seen any version of Phantom of the Opera. My sister really liked the sound track to it when she was in high school though!

Now lets get down to business.

Getting Goosebumps

This time around the main protagonist is tween Brooke and her sidekick Zeke. Zeke commonly refers to her as "Brookie." If anyone else called her that she'd probably throw a tantrum, or whatever it is that middle school kids do when they are upset. Zeke gets away with it, however, because they are total BFFs. It must be hard to be friends with Zeke though as he is a bit of a prankster. By the end of the first chapter he had almost convinced Brooke with a fake note that she was suspended from school. Contrary to being in trouble, she, along with her pal were chosen by Mrs. Walker to be the leads in the school play "The Phantom."

Now about the play. You see it's no ordinary play. It's play... with a curse! Like a tween Macbeth I guess? Anyway, the story is that the play was written years ago just for the middle school to preform but as it was about to start the boy playing the phantom went missing. They looked for hours to find him to now avail. As the teacher went on to announce the play couldn't go on there was a horrible scream! The boy was never seen or heard from again. Until now, oh god it's the phantom in the auditorium already so early in this book! Or it's Zeke with another one of his hysterical jokes. What a cut up. He isn't the only phantom though. Suddenly Mrs. Walker the play director vanished! Rather than playing a practical joke she fell down the trap door that was made for the phantom to mysteriously rise from. After getting rescued from the pit she makes it clear that she doesn't want any of the kids monkey with the trap door. I am sure they will obey, they seem like well behaved kids.

They immediately mess around with the trap door. The kids find out that it goes even lower than the previously thought but it is too dark down there to explore where it ends up. Unfortunately for them it wont be easy for them to get back up since they can't see if there are any controls down in the dark. They start a fight and in the struggle they bump a lever to bring them back up. Let that be a lesson kids, if you ever need to find a solution to your problem just start a fight with your best friend. At the top they are startled to be greeted by a strange man with a scarred face. He is Emile the night janitor. He gives them a stern talking to and they head home.

The next day at school there is a new kid named Brian. He seems really interested in acting and is bummed to find out he didn't make it in time to try out for The Phantom. Brooke convinces him to come to rehearsal and see if he could get a small part or something. Before class starts Brooke had to go out quick and grab her book. In her locker is Zeke's mask with a note that says "Stay away from my home sweet home." But Brooke isn't freaked out. Zeke, however, claims not to have anything to do with it. At play rehearsal new kid Brian gets put on the scenery crew. Also the phantom appears again and escapes down the trap door. Oh Zeke! But outside Brooke sees him in his mom's car and he swears it wasn't him because he had to leave early for a dentist appointment. Seems like a pretty good alibi...

So I haven't had a chance to bring her up yet because she's not a very important character but there is bitch named Tina that goes to school with these girls. She is rooting for Brooke to fail because she is her understudy.  She is also pretty bossy as head of the scenery crew. It doesn't help that Brooke has stage fright and totally loathes Tina. It's so much pressure. But for real, Tina is a bitch. I am comfortable with calling a fictional 12 year old girl a bitch. Deal with it.

Anywho, at rehearsal Brooke is accosted by phantom Zeke. Wait no, Zeke still isn't the god damned phantom! He is off to the side of the stage. Then who came up from the trap door? Whoever it is, he is telling them all to, "Stay away from my home sweet home!" Zeke is convinced there is a real phantom but skeptical Brooke still thinks somehow Zeke is still up to it all. To further add to the mystery, when Zeke looks for his missing math book and mentions the Janitor Emile, the secretary says no such man works there. Oooooo!

Well good ol' Zeke getting all the blame can't take it anymore and tells Mrs. Walker that there must be a real phantom. She is unconvinced and thinks she just scared the kids by telling them the tale of the the origins of the play. To convince her Zeke, Brooke, and Brian break into school after hours to search the auditorium. All they found was the backdrop unfurling to reveal it had been vandalized with the words, "Stay away from my home sweet home!" At least this phantom is consistent with his message! Naturally Mrs. Walker came in right as it unfurled and assumes the kids did it. Their pleas of innocence almost sway her until she sees a paint trail dripping to Zeke's locker. In the end only he gets kicked out of the play and the other two can stay. When Brooke leaves the school she sees Tina on her bike. What a bitch. Maybe she is the culprit?

Even with Zeke gone the practical jokes continue. Mrs. Walker's script gets all its pages glued together and she cancels the play. Fortunately she calms down and changes her mind. But shit is tense yo. Determined to prove his innocence still Zeke and gang return to the scene of the crime armed with flashlights. They go down to the very bottom of the trapdoor pit and find a little room complete with furnishings and freshly poured cereal begging to sog. What kind of a Phantom eats cereal? Emile! He shows himself and demands to know why they didn't heed his warnings. He doesn't understand when they start talking about what happened years ago with the original phantom though. He is just a homeless dude living under the school who doesn't want to be evicted. The kids run away and are saved by Zeke's dad. When the police finally show up Emile is long gone. And there goes the mystery of the phantom.

Well with his good name restored Zeke was able to return to the role as phantom. Well almost. When the phantom showed up from the trap door during the actual performance of the play it wasn't Zeke. He went on to tell the crowd how 70 years ago he was supposed to play the phantom but fell to his death down the trap door. He returned this night to finally play the role meant for him, as he had become a real genuine phantom. Desperate to know who this mystery man was Brooke pulled off his mask, and in the effort to shield his visage from all he fell down the trapdoor AGAIN! The audience thought it was an amazing performance, as did Mrs. Walker, approving of the ad-libs but the kids weren't sure what was going on. The phantom was nowhere to be found beneath the stage. However, in her locker Brooke found a 70 year old year book. The bookmark lead to a page with the picture of... Brian. And here goes the REAL mystery of the phantom.

The end.

Oh and Tina is still a bitch.

What I thought

Pretty good! As usual it is pretty dang formulaic and there isn't a whole lot to talk about that isn't the same for every book. There are things he does over and over again which I suppose is necessary when churning out tons of books for kids. I guess I can talk about these things though.

Having a prankster always makes for fake scares and causes suspicion. Everyone will always think the joker is guilty. It could always be a little better executed however. Kids in these books never think of anything genuinely clever as a prank. Granted real kid pranks are hardly ever clever, but book can be cooler than real life!

A real life thing like a school play as a basis makes for a pretty decent basis of a story like this. Kids can relate. But there are some things that would have probably been done if this was a better book by a better author. Brooke has really bad stage fright. There is a freaking phantom on the loose and shit is going down. You would think he could use her stage fright for an interesting development but all does is fuel Tina's bitch-fires.

Like many (but not all) of these stories there is a red herring. This one, however, was pretty good. The misdirection towards Emile worked better than most attempts like it by Stine. Actually, if you think about it, a transient living underneath the school may be even creepier than an actual phantom. I know everyone I know would be pretty freaked out by a homeless guy under the auditorium. Weird. But he is caught and there is little enough left to think that maybe just maybe that is all there was to the story. The revelation that it was Brian was relatively obvious but not positively certain and for a kid probably not that obvious at all. The biggest give away was that Zeke's dog barked at him. Dogs fucking hate ghosts. I don't know why. I guess you can't get mad a Goosebumps for using cliches. Kids don't even know what cliches are.

Ultimately I feel like maybe this isn't the most memorable Goosebumps book, but it is one of the better ones. Frankly some of the more memorable ones kind of suck. Better to be forgettable decent than memorable shitty I suppose!

Rating: 4 out of 5 masks

Up Next!

Attack of the Mutant! This one has a guy that looks like a super hero (or villain) on the cover. Dude has a cape and everything! I seem to recall that it does pertain to comic books somehow, but that's really all I've got. Once again a book I read 20 years ago wields very little memories. Alas. But I am sure it will be awesome and I promise to have it to you more promptly than I did with this entry. Until next time!

#23 Return of the Mummy

Judging a Book by its Cover

Didn't get enough mummy in Curse of the Mummy's Tomb? Well now we have a returned mummy. Where the previous book's cover had merely a mummy on the cover, this book coming out of the sarcophagus. I definitely had to use spell check to spell sarcophagus. It's not a word that pops up in day to day usage. Anyway, sarcophagi are pretty cool looking so it makes for a neat cover. We can only see the mummy's hands emerging... well that and some stink mist. Stink doesn't have a visual component but I guess you gotta get the concept of odor across somehow. I wonder how much a mummy stinks though... I mean I get dead bodies rot and smell but this dead bodies is thousands of years old. I bet it smells a little musty at worst. I doubt there is any flesh left to rot. Oh well, it makes for a good looking cover.

Also of note is the color scheme. So often the two tone Goosebumps' ooze logo seems just randomly pick but here the blue green goes around quite nicely with the blue toned background and striped sarcophagus. Man I am using the word sarcophagus more than I have in the past 10 years combined here in these few paragraphs!

Now there is a blurb for the Goosebumps Fan Club on the front. Often in the later books there would be blurbs for selling shit. I always wanted to join the fan club but never did. One of life's regrets. You got a hat, pen, autographed RL Stine poster and more for like 10 bucks. How could my mom never have under stood how much I needed that? Oh well. Are fan clubs even still a thing? I feel like the news letters and such that you get from them are now an online thing. I could be wrong about that though.

The taglines are disappointments. No puns. I like puns dammit. The front merely states that he's back from the dead which is pretty obvious from the title of the book and the cover illustration. The back says, "Dead... or alive?" And that is a trick question because it is both! Undead!

Enough about the cover. This was my favorite book growing up (if I remember correctly) and I want to get to reading. I am pretty sure this is a direct sequel with the same characters and everything. Though if memories serves right this isn't a return of THE mummy, as it is a different mummy than involved with the last  book. Speaking of the last book, if you need to get caught up here is my review of Curse of the Mummy's Tomb. Now onto Return of the Mummy!

Getting Goosebumps

As this is a direct sequel we have returning characters! Once again tween Gabe is going to visit his Uncle Ben (once again, not the rice guy) and his daughter Sari as they excavate another pyramid. It's a different pyramid this time so even though it is called Return of the Mummy it is a different mummy. Also despite the undead shenanigans of last time Gabe seems pretty psyched. He has his mummy hand trinket that he carries with him at all times. Last book it woke the mummies from the dead but he seems pretty unsure about it's abilities. Mostly it is just a good luck charm. While last time he went to Egypt with his parents, this time he is going alone to be with Uncle Ben because truly his parents can trust in the "almost lead our son to his early demise" antics of ol' Ben.

So Gabe arrives by plane and immediately is onto Uncle Ben's sense of humor. He is dressed up in robes with a thick accent looking to pick up Gabe in a cab. Nevermind, that's just an Egyptian cabby. Simple mistake to make right? The real Ben arrives with his daughter and immediately Sari and Gabe resume their rivalry. Gabe is slightly sympathetic towards her, however, as he realizes she rarely gets to see her dad due to his studies. Not overly sympathetic though because she is kind of a bitch.

Instead of staying at a hotel this time they are camping right at the dig site.After arriving at the pyramid and Gabe is startled to find a mummy risen from the dead out to get him. Already? Jesus this is only like chapter 3. Oh right, practical joke from their trickster uncle. What a hilarious joke to play on kids that were almost murdered in a tomb last time you saw em. I am sure that's not horribly traumatizing in the slightest. Turns out that was an actor, as the media is there to shoot a commercial. Uncle Ben isn't such a horrible bastard though. He gives his nephew the gift of a scarab trapped in amber. They are said to be good luck for some reason even though one bite from a living scarab would kill you. And now Gabe feels a pinch at his leg. Oh god he's gonna die this early in the book? Or it's yet another prank this time from Sari. Again these tricks would probably be funnier if they didn't almost die in the last book. Maybe I'm just uptight.

Anyway so this time around the tomb in question is believed to belong to Prince Khor-Ru the cousin of King Tut which makes this a pretty major discovery. That is, if it hasn't been pillaged by robbers over the centuries. This importance has caused interest from a beautiful pantsuit wearing reporter named Nila who interrupts the crew as they enter the pyramid. She wants to cover this story and since she is a looker and has supposedly talked with Uncle Ben's partner he allows her to accompany them. She admires Gabe's scarab necklace showing him her own amber necklace that is sadly scarabless.

Now you would think entering a pyramid with a group that all have lights would go somewhat smoothly but somehow almost immediately Gabe gets lost and tumbles into a pit with thousands of spiders. How are those good luck charms working out for you now Gabe? He fears he is also getting attacked by a snake but it's actually a rope to save him. After he shakes off the thousands of spiders he makes sure his mummy hand thingy survived the fall. Oddly Nila seems to recognize it as "The Summoner." While the others move on Gabe sees The Summoner's fingers move. Creepy! After this whole fiasco they give up because they "explored enough." Explored enough? you were in there for like 10 seconds for Gabe got his stupid ass covered in spiders!

Two days later they get back into the pyramid for some excavating. As they are working to open the tomb they hear a bellowing, "PLEASE LET ME REST IN PEACE!" but alas it still isn't a real mummy woken from the dead, it's just Dr. Fielding who is Uncle Ben's partner. He believes there is a curse on the tomb. Hieroglyphics say if you repeatean ancient Egyptian phrase 5 times you will wake Prince Khor-Ru and feel his wrath. As a man of science Ben isn't swayed and his partner refuses to witness it and leaves. After chiseling away at the entry they reveal the tomb full of splendorous... nothing. But there is a seal to another room. They chip away and finally enter that one revealing the real resting place of the Prince. It is filled with jewels, treasures, and a sarcophagus containing the prince's mummy. The celebration is short lived, however, because 4 police officers from Cairo show up. They were sent by Dr. Fielding who has apparently changed his mind about the find and just wants to "protect" it.

Later that night Nila cons Uncle Ben into telling her the words that supposedly wake the prince from the dead, "Teki Kahru Teki Kahra Teki Khari." So if you at home want to raise the dead, now you know. I think Ben just told her because he wants to get in her pants and what better way than revealing an ancient curse? He is one smooth operator. Since Gabe was present for the reveal too he decides to try and get back at Sari for all the pranks by reciting the curse for her. Doing so freaks her out, but I think it also scares him a bit as well. To further add to the scare Dr. Fielding busts in right after they finish the curse. He needs to see Sari's father urgently! Suspicious, the kids follow him and see him gruffly push Uncle Been into the pyramid and then leave abruptly past the kids without even acknowledging them. Weird.

Well the kids get some lights and enter the pyramid. The follow footprints to the tomb and see that the
sarcophagus is now closed. They open it revealing Ben inside. But if he is in there then where is the mummy? Alive and out to get them! And for real alive this time, none of this prank shit. Gabe's uncle is unconscious in the casket and the kids run into an empty room where they discover Nila. Instead of being a source of help she is the cause of the problem! She is not merely Nila but PRINCESS Nila, the mummy's sister and she stole Gabe's Summoner to raise her sibling from the dead. She tells the mummy to murder the children to eliminate the witnesses but in some sort of ancient sibling rivalry (or a desire to be left in peace) the mummy attacks Nila. In a chaotic panic Gabe accidentally rips off her amber pendant and drops to the floor. The princess disappears and a scarab scurries away in her place. Apparently through some magic kept herself alive all these years by turning into a scarab at night. Anyway I guess with his summoner a scarab or whatever, the mummy stops moving and Uncle Ben finally regains consciousness. Dr. Fielding returns with the police. Apparently he was a good guy after all and was just in a panic earlier.

Finally Gabe has the chance to brag to Sari since he saved the day. She, however, points out the Nila is still out there as a deadly scarab and she is probably out to get him. A moment later in bed Gabe screams, "OUCH!"

THE END.

What I Thought

I remember this book! Many times reading things I find it hard to fathom that I had ever read it before I remember nothing. Sometimes things come back to me as I was reading but this one I remembered a fair amount pretty early on. I didn't remember specifically that Nila was the mummy's sister but I did remember she was the bad guy. I have long remembered that this was my favorite Goosebumps book growing up and my actual memory of the plots seems to confirm it. I seem to remember having a mummy phase at some point in my life. I am not sure if this book caused it, or if I just liked this book because I read it during this phase.

So anyway, Goosebumps tend to be split between books that happen at home in every day life of a kid or books where kids go away to a location to get spooked. While the first option can be scary in it's own way I think I tend to find the latter more interesting. I've been at home, to school, etc. I have never been to a pyramid and reading about a kid going there is exciting! That isn't to say I wish all the Goosebumps were like this but perhaps that I tend to lead towards them.

Now I was worried rereading this. I didn't remember which mummy one I liked so much and the first book disappointed me. This one however I feel pretty favorably towards. I feel like it is just better written. There is more focus on one specific mummy which is good. Also Gabe doesn't summon it randomly like in the last book it's part of Nila's devious plan. And her plan isn't immediately obvious to the young. She seems like on of the "Good Guys" Pretty ladies don't have devious plans!

Of course this book has plenty of holes. It's a Goosebumps book! In true horror b-movie fashion it seems like the characters have all forgotten everything about the previous book. Gabe seems surprised his mummy hand summons mummies WHEN IT ALREADY SUMMONED MUMMIES. Also what's the deal with Nila? So she's like thousands of years old and just now happens to show up to revive her brother? Shouldn't she have known where he was buried this whole time? Couldn't she have tried this any other time during the past several thousand years? Also how did she not know the curse when it was written in the hieroglyphics? She should speak ancient Egyptian because she literally is an ancient Egyptian. I also don't completely understand why her brother attacked her. I guess he really just wanted to be left in peace, even by his sister? You think she woulda known about this.. But still, these are nitpicks in a series you can't really nitpick with. It's for kids. I am sure 8 year old me didn't think about this shit.

Really though, despite its flaws it may be my favorite Goosebumps book again. The setting is fun. The rivalry between cousins and the prankster uncle make for some decent false scares. It seems like it got into things quicker than the previous book. Also there is less ridiculous bullshit than the earlier one. I recall rolling my eyes a lot at Curse and not so much at Return. It's the rare sequel that improves the series.

Rating: 4 scarabs out of 5 (also did you know scarabs are a kind of dung beetle? DUNG!)

Next!

Phantom of the Auditorium. Presumably it will be based on Phantom of the Opera. A least very loosely based. I don't remember much about this book off the top of my head but I am pretty sure this was one of the first Goosebumps I read in 1 sitting. The idea of reading these books in one sitting now seems laughably easy but back in the day it took a little bit longer to get through. I plowed through it in one day however. I don't know why I remember that, but I do. So we shall see if any of the plot comes back to me as I'm reading it or if is entirely unfamiliar. Next time!