Gooflumps #4 1/2 Eat Cheese and Barf!

Judging a Book by its Cover

Gooflumps! That's right it's April Fools Day and thus I am going to read the one remaining book in this spoof series. Now once again, you can tell it is not officially connected to Goosebumps in anyway way by all the warnings and notices. And once again this book is not by RL Stine but by RU Slime. Classic. Now I never read this one as a kid , never bought it. I purchased this from the thrift store a few months ago. On the inside cover is the name of a kid I think I might have gone to high school with. I'll have to contact him and see if it's the same guy!

Anyway, so the cover. This is a lot more grotesque than your classic 'bumps. I mean, there is even Barf in the title. We got maggoty worm cheese, a vomiting cow, what seems to be dead cows. Grossness seems to be the go-to thing here.The vomiting cow seems especially gross. Maybe because it is holding up its hoof to cover its mouth? Even the tagline is gross. Where Goosebumps tries to throw in a pun or a twist on a turn of phrase, this books goes for goes. "Chunks City" is the tagline. Ew. I think we all know what kind of chunks they are talking about.

Now as to what I think this book is going to be about? I... really have no idea. Presumably some one will both eat cheese and barf. Will there be evil cheese? Perhaps tainted cheese? A madman tainted the world's cheese supply? Evil cows? Alien Cows? Alien Cheese? These are just guesses!

Just a minor thing before I start reading. Though it is not the cover, I dunno where else to talk about it. The about the author section on the inside back is pretty funny. Who is the true identity of RU Slime? Will we ever know? Do we even want to? Probably not!

Getting Goosebumps Gooflumps

So like Goosebumps, this book stars an average(ish) tween. This one stars Billy Fudder... Fudder... like udder... which makes milk... which makes cheese... ANYWAY We open with Billy's parents forcing him to drink milk. The problem with this is that Billy has an enzyme in his stomach which causes him to barf if he eats dairy, hence the title of the book. Well they make him drink and he spews all over and then he wakes up. Yes, just like what has happened in Goosebumps countless times, so too has happened in this spoof. Accurate!

Back in the real world he is traveling via station wagon with his family to Bledsoe, New York. It is apparently the Cottage Cheese Capitol of the World. What a claim to fame. It seems that Billy's Great-Grandpa left them "Breakwind Farms" (Get it, breakwind... like... fart...) after he passed on and they are moving in. The kids don't seem too pleased about leaving home. The farm town smells of cows, which isn't helping them adjust. One of the aforementioned cows approaches them... with a human arm in its mouth! Luckily this was just a parody of the patented RL Stine false scare. The cow is Martha and she is just carrying Armand's fake arm. Armand was hired by Great Grandpa to help with the farm. While admiring the fake arm, Billy steps in a cow pie, hilarious. Supposedly Armand's real arm got sucked off by a milking machine, which seems odd. You would think cow udders wouldn't fair well in such a machine. Inside, a discussion with his son reveals that dad doesn't want to live here at all, he is being sent to live with his 100 year old aunt Gladys 2000 miles away! JK, LOL, ROFLMFAOBBQ!!!!11one Oh that Dad, what a jokester. Then older bracefaced sister Jennifer starts throwing a hissy fit because they made her leave her boyfriend. Thankfully she is appeased when Armand informs her that there will be a town dance coming up where all the eligible young men will be wanting to check out the new city girl. Woo. Late that night Billy looks out his bedroom window and swears he sees Armand talking to a cow. Strange.

Next morning Billy gets up, goes to the bathroom, and sees his sisters poppy zit pus all over the mirror. Gross. He takes an extremely long shower for obvious reasons. Then he goes downstairs to eat breakfast. False scare into horrible pancakes! Hah hah, his mom can't cook. Classic! Out exploring town, Billy steps into another cow pie, still hilarious! Then he meets a girl on a motor-scooter. Her name Fanny Rennet... heh heh, Fanny... Like butt! And Rennet is an enzyme used in cheese production which is a joke I'm sure absolutely 0 children understood. Well maybe a few children who actually live and work on cheese farms... Anyway, Miss Butt Cheese Enzyme is throwing dirt balls at a sign of John Curdle (like cheese Curdles, oh man, these jokes) because he is evil and his nephew is a jerk. Seems like a reasonable reason to be defacing property. She also demonstrates that she can burp so heinously that she will cause anyone to vomit. What a lady! They go into town and meet Officer Eclaire (eclair like the type of donut!) stuffing his face full of donuts. Ah, good old fashioned stereotypes. Fanny shows Billy her parents business, the Moo N' Doo. Then Billy's dad shows up to tell him his mom is pregnant. Joking again! Bazinga!

Well ol' kidder dad pays the kids to clean out the basement. Fanny asserts that it was their great grandpa's secret laboratory. Down there they find a hole in the wall. Inside they find a container full of a human brain! No, even better, it's full of cottage cheese! It comes with a diary that urges you not to show it to anyone in the Curdle family. Mom calls them to lunch and naturally is disbelieving of the cheese brain. Also, as it just so happens, John Curdle has come for a visit. He convinces mom to come work with him at the International Milk Products (IMP) in marketing. He also seems real interested in Billy's cheese brain story. The kids decided to bring the cheese to an abandoned barn to investigate. Billy steps in his 3 cow pie. This joke never gets old! At the barn they investigate the cheese. Billy swears it moves. Fanny looks closer and he shoves her face in the cheese. She responds with a burp that makes him puke. I don't know if I can take all this high brow humor! Curiously, they notice that Billy's puke burns the cheese away. I'm sure that wont come up later! Just then Martha the talking cow interrupts them? Nevermind, it's Armand talking not the cow. He gives them a cryptic warning.

Later on, Jerry Curdle (the nephew) threatens to beat up Billy. Officer Eclaire shows up and does nothing of use (like the real police, har har har, amirite folks?!?) Luckily Armand and Martha show up to break things up. Martha scares him off. Armand explains that it was because of an ol' stampede that people are frightened of the cow. Odd. Just then Billy's dad comes within inches of hitting him with the car. It was a joke WHAT A KIDDER!

Well once again the kids investigate the cheese. It's growing! Also, it has tentacles that reach out and grab
them. Plus it consumes a bird. Just when you think things can't get weird Martha the cow shows up and genuinely talks. Turns out she was one of great grand pappy's experiments. Another one is this bird eating cheese blob. Though he developed it, he was working for IMP at the time, and the curdle family would use it for evil, so Martha must study it. Jerry showed up inquisitive about what was going on, but mostly left em alone.

Then the cheese grew so giant it blotted out the sun! .... in a dream. Come on, I feel like you get 1 dream fake-out per book. Anyway, the kid discuss the previous events and try to decide if it is a dream. Then knife wielding Jerry Curdle shows up to take a sample from the mysterious cheese experiment. Then the cheese eats him. Awesome. Martha shows up and theorizes that Jerry is not dead, because the cheese hasn't digested him yet. How does one breathe inside a mass of sentient cottage cheese? I have no idea. Also the cow theorizes that the cheese must continue to feed.

Billy resolves to conquer the cheese. He dresses up like his favorite hero, the White Ninja and sets out to attack with Fanny at his side. They find what they think is its nest... a bed of iceberg lettuce. Because obviously cottage cheese and a bed of lettuce go together. Then they attack the cheese! But alas, it was just Armand in the dark. He explains how he worked on the cheese with Billy's great grandpa, then the cheese shows up. Armand tries to stop him but gets consumed. Trying to free him the kids pull off his fake arm. At least he slowed the cheese down so the kids can escape. They see the cheese again attacking Officer Eclaire! but it is only a cheese sculpture for the dairy dance that night. They decide if the cheese needs to feed that is where it will go.

Billy visits his mom to get her to convince people to call off the dance. It doesn't go well and Jonathon Curdle intervenes. He claims Jerry is missing because he had to leave town to visit a sick cousin. Sly. He encourages Billy to visit Nurse Pontiac, if her name is a reference to a type of cheese, I don't know it. Mr. Curdle takes over the examination and prescribes... MILK! It's a torture session, oh no! His sister interrupts it by bounding in distraught that Jerry isn't going to the dance with her. Billy wisely uses this time to slip away.

Unable to figure out how to prevent the dance from happening, the kids show up with their families. Just when Billy's mom is unveiling the new town Motto the accidentally wheel out out the cheese sculpture. Thankfully it wasn't the cheese beast! The motto, by the way, is "everything is cheesier in Bledsoe." Also, Jennifer is proclaimed the dairy queen! Then the cheese sculptured gets wheeled out again... No! It's the evil cheese beast! It consumed Jennifer, but the kids came up with a plan. Billy's barf burned the beast (alliteration!) so they plan to have him puke all over the cottage cheese monster. He tries to eat some cheese but can't mentally bring himself to do it. Plan B: Fanny belches her foul breath at Billy. It's horrible and indeed causes him to puke all over the cottage cheese, over and over. One by one forms emerged from the vomity cheese. Jennifer, Armand, Jerry and Jonathon... even the bird came out alive. Things are going to be OK!

The End.

What I Thought

Gross. No really, gross. The previous Gooflumps had literal toilet humor but I don't remember it being this darn gross. I'm sure as a kid I would have loved it. It is the kind of book a child would love purely because his parents would never want him to read it. As an adult it wears pretty thin though. I mean how many times can a person stepping in cow poop really be funny? A couple I suppose. I mean there may be a point where more is better, but a not particularly clever joke repeated over and over looses steam.

What it does well though is mimic a Goosebumps book. It has stupid fake scares. Stupid "you don't know it's a dreams." Stupid pranks. Though its title is a parody of Say Cheese and Die the actual story is much more like Monster Blood, with cottage cheese instead of slime.

In fact, some things it does better than a Goosebumps book. While those books can be silly, this book takes it all out. All the stupid cheese names are actually kind of humorous. Plus a talking cow? Awesome! Talking cow beats out "everyone is an alien" BS. Plus the interactions between siblings seems realer. In Goosebumps books they just sort of get on each other's nerves. On this one they insult their complexions. Pizza face they call em! Real sibling banter.

But the grossness. Oh man. I mean I guess with a title like Eat Cheese and Barf I should know what to expect. But he literally barfs when he eats dairy! And the end. Ok, though I'm very glad this wasn't a TV Show, the end is kind of humorous. I mean, belches causes barfing on a giant cottage cheese monster? Way to take the grossiosity to the max. I try not to visualize it. Ew.

So basically if you want a silly and way way way grosser take on Goosebumps this may be your book. Adults might want to keep their kids from it if they want to limit their exposure to shit, puke, gas, etc, but then without those things what fun is childhood?

Up Next

Well this was the last Gooflumps. On the cover of the book it even says "Buy 2- That's It!" in a mockery of the endless slew of Goosebumps book. So next, there is a 95% chance I'll return to the main series where we left off. That would be, it came from beneath the sink! As per usually, I don't remember a damn thing about this book. You would think you'd notice something living beneath the sink. Is it a monster? Or perhaps some sort of sentient mold born of experimental cleaner and dirty dripping water? Who can say. Until next time folks.

#29 Monster Blood III

Judging a Book by its Cover

More Monster Blood. When will these kids learn that messing with Monster Blood never works out well for
them. Now in the previous books a dog and a hamster consumed the slime and grew huge. From the looks of things, this time one of the kids eats it and it's attack of the 50 foot fifth grader. I notice you can only see his legs, which is a pretty good tactic. Makes him look unknowably huge. It makes me think of the nanny from The Muppet Babies. Something mysterious about not seeing the top half of a person.

Now this giant kid appears to be rampaging on an empty playground. It would kind of be more fun if we could see normal sized kids reactions to this giant. Or perhaps a stuffy upset adult mad at the crushing of the swing set. On the ground appears to be a can of Monster Blood... or some Slurm from Futurama. Also, stylishly, the kid seems to be wearing some Converse All-Stars.  If he becomes an outcast, surely it will be due to his size and not his fashion sense.

Tagline time! The front line is "Evan's growing up way too fast!" which is clever enough. It is turned from a phrase your aunt says when she sees you at Christmas to a declaration that you can now crush Dodge Caravan under your feet. The bag tagline is "It's the slime that never dies!" I don't really get that. Does slime die? Is the slime alive? It never seemed to be suggested that it was. Is "the _____ that never dies," a saying I am unaware of? Oh well. 1 out of 2 at bad. Lets get Goosebumps.

Getting Goosebumps

We open up in a daydream of Evan Ross getting attacked by slimy green balls of Monster Blood. He recalls his past confrontations with it, where it caused his pets to grow huge in size. His mother snaps him out of the daydream and back into the real world where he is not being attacked by ooze but is instead merely eating green Jell-o. He seems not to be a fan, due to its tendency to remind him of the horrible ooze of his nightmares. Well it seems in this book we will be treated to a new character. Evan has to babysit for 8 year old nephew Kermit who doesn't just have a geeky name, but is a genuine geek. He, it seems, is a total genius who has a tendency to make concoctions that are a wee bit devious. Evan has to put up with it, however, because that sweet sweet 3 dollars an hour will help him save up for a Walkman, which is a very 90s thing to save up for.

On his way to the little dork's house, Evan is confronted by stereotypical bully with stereotypical bully name Conan. Hassling him over nothing of any importance, Kermit appears with a liquid mixture that he purports will cause Conan to disappear. Instead it just makes his sure disappear... which makes Evan's nose get a wee bit broken by Conan. Later Evan talks these events over with Andy at a school. Now if you remember from the previous books, Andy is in fact a female, and she has a love of day-glo clothes, which is also a very 90s thing. Evan explains how Kermit claimed that Evan had picked the fight with Conan, Evan's baby sitter credentials to be questioned. Also, Evan claims Kermit did all this deliberately.  The evidence, he says, is in the kid's shit eating grin. Ok, maybe he didn't call it a shit eating grin, but I can read between the lines. Andy recommends retribution via Monster Blood which causes Evan to panic. Her claims that she also put some Monster Blood in his sandwich make panic even more. Thankfully it is too early in the book for actual Monster Blood to come into play. After he realizes this, he taunts her with her true name, Andrea, and makes her tell him where she has hidden the last "gift" of the titular ooze she was sent. Finally, he convinces her to come over to Kermit's with him. Supposedly he is not as bad when she's around. I find this doubtful!

Kermit's house smelled a little weird. The the kid comes bursting out screaming "It's gonna blow!" and Evan scrambled for his life. Andy, however, realizes it is a joke. Kermit cackles deviously. Evan beats him to death. Wait no, that last part is just what I wish happened. He actually tries to play it off like he didn't really believe the room was going to explode. Smooth. Next up, Kermit curse Andy's nasty mosquito bite with that shrinking serum he used on Conan's shirt, and it actually works with no ill effects. He decides that for his next project he is going to cure his dogs hiccups. Evan seems worried that if Kermit kills the dog the blame will be placed on the babysitter. Sensible. Andy, however, has been won over by his bug bite cure and thinks he should do it. Apparently that whole thing about pretending the house was going to explode is water under the bridge. She might have an ulterior motive though, she gets the nerd to do her math homework. Then he moves on to the hiccup cure. It does in fact cure the hiccups. It also causes the dog to bound around crazily yipping like a puppy. The problem is, it is not a puppy, it is a very large dog. It smashes up all kind of stuff, and naturally, Evan gets blamed. Even Kermit's fan Andy gets thrown under the bus and has to help clean up. She beats him to death instead. Wait no, once again I'm just saying what I wish would happen.

Anyway, after Andy finds out the "help" he gave her on her homework was all wrong, she convinces Evan it's time to break out the Monster Blood. What they plan to do with a slime that makes thing giant though, I really don't know. They gonna have a giant 8 year old pain in the ass on their hands? Evan almost immediately wusses out and backtracks on their plans. He realizes that a giant Kermit is a bad plan. Andy seems to think slipping the junk into one of the mixtures Kermit makes will have a cool result though. Sounds like she hasn't exactly thought this one through. Well, they call off the Monster Blood plans and go to Kermit's. They convince him to come outside and play for once, but first he gives them some delicious orange soda. Outside they start laughing uncontrollably. He drugged the pop with a laughing potion! And then, laughing endlessly, they beat him to death. Argh, man, I really gotta stop just typing my desires. Naturally, it's at this time that Conan comes out and doesn't take kindly to their fits of laughing. So in typical bully fashion, he beats em up, egged on of course by Kermit.

Finally, pushed to their limits, they decide to unleash Monster Blood. Evan distracted the dweeb with a candy bar while Andy planted the Monster Blood in his latest concoction. It works and the mixture starts growing in size! Kermit gets noticeably worried. Unfortunately, so do the too other kids when it starts engulfing them. POP it explodes. Their plan fails when Kermit in fact is totally delighted by the explosion. It fails again when Evan realizes he accidentally swallowed some and is now growing. First thing I would do as a giant? Stomp on Kermit. That little schmuck thinks it would be cool to grow giant like his cousin. Quickly he begins outgrowing the room and realizes he has to get out of the house before he bursts out of it! Struggling, he makes it. Outside, he notices that he is nearly as tall as the garage. Andy keeps making back jokes, and mad scientist Kermit thinks it is pretty much the coolest thing ever. Seriously, when is this little shit going to get stomped on?

Then Evan notices Conan picking on some kids. Now that even towers over the bully it is his turn to exact revenge. Ever the prick, Conan still picks on Evan even though he's huge, the doofus promptly gets placed into the branches of a rather tall tree. Personally I would have flung him like a rag doll through the air, but to each their own. Having fun with his new found size, he starts heading toward the playground, accidentally stomping cars and completely neglecting to SMASH KERMIT INTO THE GROUND! He heads to the baseball field where the children eagerly all urge him to play with them instead of running in fucking terror at the sight of human being that is large enough to smash cars with a single foot.

Just when he was starting to have some fun, the fuzz shows up. Cops and firefighters lead by Conan march against giant Evan. They ask him questions, and don't particularly care about the answers before they start blasting him with fire hoses. Apparently this is how you handle giant children. This causes Evan predictably to flee. Since he has long ass legs, he can do a pretty good job of it. Kermit gets the idea to use the potion he mixed to shrink Andy's bug bite to shrink kid ginormo. Unfortunately he doesn't have any left so he has to mix up another batch. Instead of shrinking him, this new mix turns him blue and gives him the hiccups. The next mix gave him feathers so he looked like a giant blue eagle. The last potion works, right as cops roll up and ask if they've seen any giant children around. Whew! All is right with the world again. That night Evan had a nightmare about what had happened. When he woke up his dog Trigger came in and picked him up in his mouth. Evan shrunk! FUCK YOU KERMIT!

What I Thought

I am getting a little sick of having annoying frustrating characters not getting their comeuppance. Doesn't RL Stine know how deeply satisfying it is to have little shits like Kermit get exactly what they deserve? Can't that happen like, once? And sure, though I may have shared my desire to see him pulverized, perhaps a more kid friendly retribution. For example, instead of the silly quick twist at the very end of Evan getting tiny, perhaps a freak lab accident leaves Kermit with a shrunken head? Or a wayward blast of the fire house and a bump on the head lower Kermits IQ by 20 points or such? Would that be so wrong? Maybe schadenfreude isn't the healthy attribute to cultivate in young people, but it's not like these books are filled with morals anyway! Clearly Evan and Andy have not learned their lessons about messing with Monster Blood after all this time. I think there is even Monster Blood IV yet to come (though I don't currently own it, I'll have to keep an eye out a thrift stores.)

So anyway, this was basically the same as the other Monster Bloods. Kids mess with it, it makes a thing big, they panic, and then unbig things. The difference this time was Kermit the annoying and the biggening happening to a kid instead of a pet. This actually was an interesting change for a couple reasons. 1) His fun at being huge and getting some revenge on his bully. 2) His fun quickly turning to terror as he is pursued by the authorities. Honestly though, I think it would have been fun if they mimicked some classic movies. Have him climb a building like King Kong! Let him destroy a little more than a car. Really there was too much them dealing with frustrating Kermit, and not enough rampaging around as a Giant. It seems like there is always too little payoff in these books.

Basically... this book is as mediocre as the rest of the book. It blends in fine. It did something slightly different with the theme of Monster Blood. After 30 books though, it's just nothing special. I can understand why it was about about this time that I started getting burnt out on these books 20ish years ago.

My Rating: 3 out of 5 Giants

 

Up Next

Well #30 in the series is It Came From Beneath the Sink. However, April Fools Day is coming up and I thought that'd be the perfect time to cover the second and final book in the spoof series Gooflumps. I recently found it for a buck at a thrift store and have been looking for an excuse to read it. So check back April 1st for the literary classic Eat Cheese and Barf!

#51 Beware, the Snowman

So I meant to do my write up on Monster Blood III in November, but I didn't. Now it's December and instead of that, I'm going to read Beware, the Snowman, just in time for the holidays! I saw it at the thrift store and couldn't pass it up. Yes, at the thrift store. Even though this is a book from the original series I never had it as a kid. It was rather late in the series and by the time it came out I was about 12 years old and too old for Goosebumps. Now I'm 29 and I'll read whatever the fuck I want, including books trying to make a horror story for 10 year old about Frosty's evil buddy.

Judging a Book by its Cover

This snowman doesn't look scary so much as cranky. Like he is shaking his fist and telling the little snowkids to get off his snowlawn. Seriously, his expression is like, "your dog peed WHERE?!" Snowmen seem like a bad choice for a villain because they are thwarted heat. Like seriously, a sunny day could take him out. Given time and global warming he's doomed. Then again maybe he's some kind of all powerful snow wizard that is causing the frigid weather. That might be interesting though, so that's probably not what happens.

The cover really reminds me of a mash-up of two movies. It's like if you took Jack Frost the 1997 horror comedy about car crash with a genetics truck causes a serial killer to turn into a sentient snowman, and combined it with Jack frost the 1998 family comedy about a car crash that turns a father into a sentient snowman in the pinnacle of Michael Keaton's career. Whats with car crashes and sentient snowmen? Is this a part of snow-lore I have never heard of?

Taglines! I love/hate these things as you can probably tell from past reviews. I mean, the fact that I even mention them says something about them. They are so unnecessary and yet needed at the same time. Up front we got "He's got a heart of cold!" which is some solid pun work. I'll give it a B. "No melting allowed." graces the back cover. I don't get it. Is that some sort of phrase I'm unaware of? I mean, I know that "no _____ allowed" is a thing but... this one just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, sure snowmen can melt and obviously wouldn't want to... I give it an F.

So before we get into it here are a couple of stabs at what I think might happen. I am going to rule out a car crash causes someone whether serial killer or father becoming a sentient snowman. My first thought is that they'd go to Frosty route and have a kid build a snowman but have it come to life EVIL! That might be too straight forward though. Knowing RL Stine the snowman will actually secret be some sort of alien life form. It could also be that the snowman is a Scooby-Doo style costume and something more sinister is afoot. The one way I see the snowman being a reincarnated person would be if it was like, the ghost of a kid who died in an avalanche or something. Or maybe there was a deadly snowball fight. Who knows? Lets jump into it.

Getting Goosebumps

We begin with tween Jaclyn remembering a silly nursery rhyme about bewaring the snowman because he, "brings the cold." She is reminded of this old poem her deceased mother read her when she was little as she arrives at her new home with aunt Greta. It seems they've moved to the tiny mountain village of Sherpia. I assume that is a horrible play on the word Sherpa. In this snowy place Jaclyn wonders why she can't remember the second verse of the poem. Surely it will have no plot significance so I assume we can forget about it right now. Now why did they move to this desolate arctic place? Aunt Greta seems to dodge this question. At least there is a nice friendly snowman there to great them! Except... he actually doesn't look that friendly... and... is that a scar? Oh well!

Jaclyn decides to wander about this frigid town alone and gets frightened by some other kids sneaking up on her because it wouldn't be Goosebumps without false scares. I guess popping out from behind is the way kids like Rolonda and Eli welcome newcomers to Sherpia. Jaclyn spots a new nearly identical snowman and inquires to the new found friends about it. They skirt the question. When Jaclyn talks about walking to the top of the mountain that frantically inform her that she can't. Man, the locals are some weird people.

She parts with the strange kids and continues on her way. Further up the mountain she locates a lone dwelling. Wondering if anyone is home she naturally just walks right inside because why the fuck not. She grew up in Chicago, I can't imagine she just walked into random houses in Chicago. That would get your ass shot. And here, apparently, it gets your ass tackled by a wolf, because that's what happens. Thankfully it is a pet wolf and refrains from killing her. Its owner has some pretty ridiculous question for Jaclyn though like "who are you" and "why did you break into my house." Silly. She starts to run away and the wolf guy asks her where she is going, because apparently when you are running away from someone you are expected to tell them where you are headed to? Anyway, she informs him she is heading to the top of the mountain. Wolf guy thinks this is a bad idea and tells her to, "Beware, the snowman!" Eeeee! They said the name of the book inside the book! Yay! Anyway, apparently there is a big evil snowman at the top of the mountain so she runs back from whence she came and bumps into those weird kids again. The kids' theory is that the wolf guy named Conrad works for the snowman. Why he would warn kids about the snowman if he worked for him is anyone's guess. Regardless Rolonda is going to inform Jaclyn all about it the next day at the church. Back at home Jaclyn asks her aunt about the snowman. Like everyone else she seems to avoid the question and get nervous.

That night Jaclyn can't fall asleep due to howling outside. Doing the only logical thing a 12 year old in a frigid arctic wasteland full of creepy people and wolves, she goes outside alone late at night. Those queer snowmen litter the town, and she feels the presence of something following her, so she quickly heads home. She wakes up her aunt who doesn't seem thrilled by the notion of a 12 year old girl being outside in this place alone. Can't imagine why. Also, it seems Jaclyn's obsession with that snowman poem continues.

The next day rolls around and Jaclyn meets her pal at the church to learn about the snowmen. According to her, the evil snowman was created by 2 sorcerers who were fooling around one day. Their magic couldn't stop it. I don't know why they didn't just try heat. A flame thrower oughta do the trick. But anyway, the creature was imprisoned into a cave made of ice the locals creatively refer to as "the ice cave." After this happened Conrad the wolf guy moved into the cabin by the mountain and no one knows why. Now all the villagers build snowmen that look like the evil one to try and appease him. Now, he hasn't asked them to do this or anything, they just figured it would be a good idea. I mean what else would an evil sentient snowman want except a lot of inanimate copies of himself in everyone's yard? Makes sense... right? Jaclyn thinks its all a joke until Eli fake jump scares his way into the scene. He tells her that he has seen the snowman with his very own eyes, and the snowman saw him too. And because no kid would ever make shit up, Jaclyn starts to believe him. At home Jaclyn questions her aunt some more about the snowman but gets no answers. Her aunt, however, makes her promise never to go up the mountain.

She goes up the mountain. Of course she fucking does, lying-ass kids! She cons Eli and Rolonda into helping her out in exchange for building a snowman which seems like a crap deal. They are gonna distract wolf guy Conrad while Jaclyn goes up the mountain. At the top she discovers that, holy shit, the snowman is real. He is cold and angry sounding and demands to know who she is. Upon hearing her name he informs her that he is not just a snowman... he is... her father! Then she screams, "Noooooo, that's not true! That's impossible!" and then falls down a shaft in the Death Star. Ok maybe that last part didn't happen, but the snowman is claiming to be her father. Mr. Freeze's story is that Jaclyn's mom and aunt are sorcerers. Her mom turned him into a snowman and then they left the village when they could not turn him back. However, Aunt Greta want's to keep him a snowman and came back after 10 years to renew the spell. I don't know why simply being a snowman would cause a wife to leave, I mean if it was sentient you'd think she would learn to live with it, and if she just had to wait 10 years?  Anyway, reasoning doesn't occur to 12 year olds, and apparently Jaclyn can stop this all but the only clue she gets of how to do it is the first stanza of the poem she obsesses over.

Well naturally it's at this time that her aunt shows up with her own version of events. Her story is that her sister and brother in law were sorcerers and accidentally created the snowman that is in fact an evil monster. Greta asserts that she herself has no magical abilities. Now what makes more sense, that a wife accidentally turns her loving husband into a snowman and then leaves him to deal with it on her own, or that a husband and wife accidentally create and evil beast and leave when they can't undo it? Once again the 12 year old doesn't think and instead reads from the book of poetry the aunt brought with her to presumably renew the spell to keep the evil guy in ice. But the second stanza, apparently, frees the monster within the snow. Frosty no longer, a horrible red-skinned monstrosity is loose. How will they ever get saved? Because Conrad sends all the villages snowmen up the mountain to push the monster back into a wall of ice? But that's stupid you say? Well that's what happens. Conrad is Jaclyn's dad. He stayed there to make sure the the monster never got set loose. Now isn't that a happy ending that doesn't at all make you wonder why the fuck Conrad lived without his daughter for 10 years without making any contact whatsoever, especially after her mother died? Indeed, what a happy ending.

What I Thought

They say sequels are never as good as the first one, and I guess the 51st in a series just can't hold up to the 50 in front of it. Seriously though, this felt like a book slapped together by a guy who is running out of ideas and perhaps just doesn't care. I mean, I know Goosebumps were never great works of fiction, but this book just feels like the series ran out of any steam. I have often joked that RL Stine doesn't really write his books anymore but just inserts key ideas into a computer program that writes the books for him. This kind of felt like that.

So my major problem is that nothing really made sense. There is no reason for the reader to be scared of the snowman. We know that the villagers are scared of him... but why? They claim he's evil, but what has he done? What does he do? Does he freeze people? Is he the one making the place so damn cold? Seriously, give the snowman some supposed evil acts that he has done. Maybe claim that kids that go up the mountain mysteriously go missing. Also, while I'm on the topic, doesn't it take a fairly long time to climb up a mountain/ This book makes it sound like walking to your mailbox. Anyway, off topic. So seriously if this snowman is so evil what has he done? Does he eat people's pets? Curse people with snow voodoo? Murder drifters? Maybe he turns people into the snowmen you see all around? Without having any actions attributed to him, why should we be scared of him? Snowmen aren't typically scary, and just being a big living snowmen isn't menacing.

Then there are all the flaws in logic I have already pointed out. Why doesn't the father have contact with the child? Why does the aunt bring the child there if she doesn't want anything bad to happen to her? Why do they have move there if she just wants to redo the spell? Can't they just take a short vacation? Why do the villagers get it into their minds to make snowmen? That makes no sense unless you can attribute one to actually protecting people, but you can't. Wouldn't the aunt know that the father is still there and try to make contact with him? Why would a child side with a sentient snowman that growls and yells instead of her caretaker of the past 10 years? If you can capture it in a prison why live it in a prison of ice? Why not construct a prison out of metal? Why not sell tours to the evil snow man, showing it off like King Kong... well I suppose that story ended badly. Also if Conrad was one of the wizards that made the monster and trapped it there, why did the other kids say that he didn't move into the place until after that? Wouldn't the villagers know him?

Sometimes I feel like I am nitpicking a children's book, but I feel like there were serious flaws with this one. It would have been better if they did Scooby Doo this shit. The monster was really a robot built by Conrad to keep people away from his gold mine in the mountain. Aunt Greta is into the supernatural and hears about this living snowman so she goes to Sherpia to investigate. It'd be better than this crap. How did this book manage to make wizards with snow golems seem lame?

Bottom line is that this is a sub par entry in a series that isn't particularly known for literary excellence. With so many books they can't all be winners but I can't help but feel that he could have churned out a little better tale about an evil snowman. Perhaps if he stuck to writing only 1 or 2 books a year instead of 10,000?

Rating: 1 snowball out of 5

Up Next

Well, I did this book for Christmas. Now that I'm done, I promise, for like the third time, that Monster Blood III is up next. We will ring in the new year with some more Monster Blood. Also in the new year expect some more of the other series of Goosebumps. I've been thrift store shopping and found some Goosebumps 2000 and Goosebumps Horrorland. I've also got some Give Yourself Goosebumps left in my collection, and I'll be on the look out for even more. Perhaps I'll even remember to update frequently next year? Who knows! It could happen... Anyway, have a great holiday everyone.

HorrorLand #16 Special Edition: Weirdo Halloween

Judging a Book by its Cover

Happy Halloween! As you can see I am celebrating with a Grain Belt and some Goosebumps! Not just any Goosebumps though, Goosebumps HorrorLand Special Edition! HorrorLand was the series of Goosebumps  RL Stine did around 2010ish. The books apparently take part partially in HorrorLand, a book from the original series I've already reviewed here, and partially in a setting outside HorrorLand. I always thought HorrorLand was a locale that offered a lot of options for things to happen. I think it's kind of cool he made a whole series off of it. This is going to be the first "new" Goosebumps book I've ever read. I was about 8 when the original series started coming out. I was about 25 when this series came out, so it's a bit out of my age range. While the original idea of this blog was to revisit books I read in my youth, I thought it might be interesting to see where the series went after I left it. When I saw this book at the thrift store in October, I knew this was the perfect opportunity.

Anyway, it looks like Stine left behind the 2 tone ooze design of the original series. It still looks familiar though. You got the drippy lettering and raised letters. The letters don't have bumps anymore though, which is a bit of a let down. The illustration itself is not unlike those of the originals. It's bright and cartoony. This one looks more fun than creepy. Almost a little cute. That pudgy little alien likes his candy, d'awww! Those are some pretty big gaps between his teeth. I doubt he even needs to floss! There are no taglines on this book, which may be for the best. Those could get pretty hit or miss.On the back, however is a lizard gypsy lady. I am not sure if she is related to this book or is just some sort of generic HorrorLand series character. Is she actually a gypsy or is she just a lizard dressing up like one for Halloween? Lets find out!

Getting Goosebumps

Part One: Yes this book appears to be in parts. As it's a "Special Edition" I believe it is longer. Your standard Goosebumps are a little over 100 pages, while this one is a little over 200.

We begin with siblings Meg and Chris entering HorrorLand. Meg's a year older than Chris and that makes her 12 year old self totally more mature.That maturity doesn't seem to assist in keeping her from being scared by the amusement park's Horrors! Chris takes this opportunity to do some scaring of his own, which is rewarded with a nice pulling of his ears by Meg. It seems an odd form of physical punishment, but apparently it is because he has big Dumbo ears, suitable for pulling. A bit later Chris manages to get in an actual scare by having no face! Just a nice toothless skull. Near the exit, though, Meg spots her real face in tact brother. What was the deal with that faceless kid though? Was it just an employee in a mask? No, claims Madame Doom, a strange gypsy woman who appears from nowhere. It seems that ol' faceless Chris may just be a vision of their future. With this bold proclamations he lures them to her fortune telling hut. Now, naturally it would be wise to assume she is a charlatan but she seems to know Meg's name. Also, she happens to have a doll that looks exactly like her. Wait, is she a psychic or a stalker? That's just weird Madame. Then in a flash Madame Doom is gone. They ask a park employee where she is, and he points in her direction. When they follow that way they see that Madame Doom is indeed there... in the form of a robotic fortune telling machine. It gives them an advertisement for the Chiller House Gift Shop. A crummy advertisement! How lame! Of course, it might be worth checking out...

In the gift shop they spots all sorts of oddities. For starters there is King Kong's diaper ping which is huge as you can imagine. There is also an "eye-bacus" which is an abacus made out of eyeballs, naturally. After browsing a bit the kids meet Johnathon Chiller, the Benjamin Franklin-looking owner of the store. Meg finds a weird froggy looking doll that piques her interest. It is apparently called a Floig, and when you squeeze it, it's eyes pop out. Fun fact, anything's eyes will pop out if you squeeze it hard enough. Meg decides to add this Floig to her doll collection, even though her collection consists of antique dolls. Mr. Chiller sends her on her way without making her pay. He insists she can pay the next time she sees him... Next time, what does he mean by that?

Part Two:

Back at home the kids find out their parents are going on a business trip and leaving them in the capable hands of Penny the elderly, nearly blind, slightly dimension inhibited, frail, former nanny. Luckily they have plenty to keep them occupied while their parents are gone. Friend Kelly is having a day-before-Halloween party. Meg unpacks her Floig and sets about finishing her vampire costume. The next day parents leave and penny shows up talking to a trio of goldfish. She even named one after Meg. Aww.

So the party rolls around. Meg is dressed in a fancy vampire costume where as Chris just threw on some point ears and called himself a Vulcan. On the way out they spot a baby stuck in a bush. Wait, it's not just a baby, it's a baby in an alien costume. Naturally the baby seems to have strange grasp of grammar. For some reason this alien baby followed them to the party and when they got there Kelly's dog came rushing out at him, only to go skittish when it got near. Strange.

Well the party started out pretty good by tween standards (even though Kelly was dressed like a vampire too!) They had pizza, played games, and told the story of the headless ghost! Unfortunately someone ruined the ghost story by throwing a stink bomb through Kelly's window. It was bad enough to cause some kids to hurl! Fortunately they seem to be the responsible bunch and cleaned up the broken glass and tossed cookies.

After the party at home they find out alien baby threw the "aroma message" because "his feeling is lonely." Apparently his name is Bim and he comes from Weirdo Planet. You know I'm starting to think just maybe this little kid is an alien. Meg and Chris aren't convinced though. Chris tries to toss Bim out and the kid weighs practically nothing... then he sudden weighs a thousand pounds. Meg tries to tear off his mask but... it isn't a mask! He is an alien with cookie habits like consuming "living meat" and then vomiting it out thrice before digesting it. Neat party trick. Penny wakes up in the middle of this but is too old and senile to realize Bim is an alien. They try to kick Bim out but he's not having it. He sort of hulks out when his "feeling is unhappy." He grinds Meg's favorite doll to dust. The only way they can calm him is to agree to rub his back. Bim happily fell asleep. Unsure of how to solve the problem of their alien home invasion the kids fall asleep too. In the morning Bim is gone. Hurray, the problem solved itself! Story over! But wait, there are still over 100 pages left...

So Meg decides to see how Kelly is managing after the aroma message fiasco. Turns out today someone decided to drop a slimy rabbit carcass into Kelly's living room. Why, whoever could have done such a thing? Meg decides to ask her nerdy sci-fi friend if he can think of anything. To convince him she is telling the truth she brings him home to discover Bim happily gorging himself on some animal corpse. Yum yum. Bim happily forces Meg to taste his twice vomited squirrel meat. That is a genuinely disturbing notion. Sci-fi friend does the only sensible thing and runs away. Bim eats all of Meg's dolls and she does the only thing she can to calm him down, rub his back. This makes Bim so happy he vows to invite his friends. The kids decide enact a plan to try and lose Bim at a Halloween party so he can't find his way back.

So that night they carry out that plan. Meg dresses as a vampire again but Chris lost his Spock ears so he paints his face green and says he is a frog. Excellent. They take an uncostumed Bim on a convoluted path to a party then ditch him there. When they get back home their friends Kelly and Sci-fi-guy are there to trick or treat. Our main characters want to explain what they have been through but a perturbed Bim is there desiring to know why they ditched him. Needless to say his feeling is not happy. In fact his feeling is ANGRY. In the midst of Bim totally wrecking the shit out of the place Senile Penny comes in and screams at him, calling him an idiot. Not sure idiot would be my first reaction but oh well. It makes him smaller. The rest of the group starts insulting him to ensure that his feeling is small. Guess what happens when his feelings are small? He gets even more pissed off. Oops. Nice try guys. In desperation to keep him from enjoying their living meat they start throwing things at him. When Meg throws her Floig doll at him, something happens. It turns out Floig belongs to Bim and that's why he came there in the first place. Reunited with his doll, his feeling gets homesick and he leaves. But then his 3 friends show up looking for him! oh no!

Part Three

Well the aliens easily part when they find out Bim already left. Whew. Then Meg gets pulled back into HorrorLand. Wait what? My, so I guess they are really going in a different direction for part three. She is back in Chiller House where Mr. Chiller tells her he brought her back for more fun. Halloween, naturally, is the best time to come to HorrorLand. And he has a fun game for her to play. All she has to do is prove that she is Meg. Seems easy, but he doesn't seem to be interested in seeing her ID. Chiller ignores her so she wanders out into the park. Attempts to call her parents and thwarted as Chiller is the on on the line. He tells her not to try and escape. If it were me I'd try and escape anyway.

Anyway, out and about she samples some free Hallowieners and Apple Spider, which is just fun festive pun snacks. A weird girl dressed like a lizard keeps staring at her, and a gorilla costumed boy convinced her to check out The Haunted Pumpkin. Sadly it started on fire. Nevermind, that was just part of the ride! Nevermind the lawsuits that are sure to come from all the people trampled trying to escape. Everyone seems to be staring at Meg. A horror asks her about masks. Sensing it may be a clue she goes to a costume store in the park and gets a Lizard costume from a joking Horror. The same lizard costume as the weird girl who was staring at her.

Then off Meg went to Halloween Town. She found a haunted house there where all sorts of frightening things happened. There were screams, walls closing in, a talking shrunken head, and she can't seem to get out! The door is locked and a ghoul is closing in. When it lunges at her she jumps out of the way and he crashes through the door, creating an exit for her. Outside she spots creepy staring lizard costume twin. Only, she doesn't just have a twin costume, she is Meg's twin! She looks exactly like her, and her name is Meg Oliver too! Then brother Chris shows up and can't seem to tell them apart. So this must be Chiller's game. The real Meg agrees to answer questions to prove she is the real one, only Chris says that all her responses are wrong. What's going on? He doesn't even remember Bim and the Floig!

Real Meg chases Chris and Fake Meg through the park trying to convince Chris. They go to the Halloween Hopper, which breaks down. Then some zombies have a voodoo doll that looks exactly like Meg. Has that Madame Doom been selling her creepy stalker doll? The zombie throws it into a fire, and Meg braves third degree burns to fish it out. Desperately Meg tries to call her parents again, but Chiller answers yet again. Then she realizes she can use her phone to prove who she is! It has all her contacts and information in it! When Meg calls Chiller back to tell her how she had won his game, the other Meg answers. When she hangs up all her phone's info has been cleared.

Things wind up at the world's most dangerous pumpkin pie.Seriously, that is the name of an attraction at the park. They walked in a catwalk over the giant pie and after a scuffle end up falling inside. Sinking deep inside, they struggled to breathe. Drowning in pie, what a tasty way to die. They managed to be brought to safety by a giant pie cutter.

After showering off, determined to settle the Meg despute, they go back to the Chiller house. They decide to answer more question to prove who is real, since that worked so well the first time. Other Meg seems to know all the right answers. In frustration, real Meg tugs on her brother's ears like she did in part one but this time she pulls off his face! He's a robot! Meg wins the game! And Chiller explains that he scans every entrants DNA and has a bunch of super sophisticated robots he keeps as a sort of doll collection because he's lonely. No wonder he has no friends, he is a creepy dude who steals DNA to make robo friends. I wouldn't want to be friends with him. Robot guards came to take the robot imposters away, but of course they take the wrong Meg. Her screams achieve nothing. In an act of quick thinking she grabs King Kong's diaper pin and stabs herself showing that she bleeds. That convinces the guards she's human. Finally, Chiller agrees to send her home. Her real brother and Penny seem glad to see her, but she was only gone for 10 minutes in their mind... After this fiasco Meg just wants to settle down in her room but once there she discovers... another Meg.

The End.

What I Thought

What a trip. Goosebumps haven't changed that much over the years. The book still felt the same as the old ones more or less, but the little things are different. Instead of referring to Nintendo, Ninja Turtles, and X-Men Comics, they refer to iPods, blogs, and Spongebob. The writing style, however, is much the same. The only real difference is that this takes place in parts and is a little longer because it's a special edition.

Now about it taking place in parts. I am not sure how I feel about this. They weren't very related to each other. While I like the idea of revisiting HorrorLand, I kind of just wish he wrote a better longer single story than what is essentially two stories. The only thing that connects them is that Chiller gave Meg the Floig. It caused Bim to come and got rid of him, but it doesn't really matter where she got it from. She could have easily just picked it up at a garage sale in chapter 1.

That being said I did like the part in HorrorLand. Even though there wasn't much of a reason for it to happen it was a fun parade of Halloween creeps. Sure having a look alike and having to prove you're the real one is kind of a cliche, but little kids don't know cliches. This might be the first time kids are introduced to that trope. I may have even enjoyed it a bit more than the Bim part which is the bulk of the book.

Now about the Bim part. Being a little almost cute thing that gets bigger and dangerouser is kind of a trope too, but once again this may be kids first exposure. I like how he kind of hulked out and lost control, but I'm not too sure about his whole "my feeling is____" dialect. His flesh cravings were actually a bit disturbing though. Always bonus points when a Goosebumps can actually unsettle you a bit. Having a senile old caretaker that doesn't understand the realities of their paranormal encounter is a nice touch too.

So in its own way this was actually kind of reliving nostalgia for me. Sure this book wasn't written when I was an adult, but it is essentially the same product I had was a kid, redone for kids of the era. It was interesting to see how now the kids have cell phones and other modern things. It's also good to see that these things don't change the Goosebumps experience too much. This book really put me in the Halloween spirit, so mission accomplished I guess.

Rating: 3 out of 5 pumpkins

Up Next

So the next book up will probably return to your regularly scheduled original series book Monster Blood III. However at the thrift store I found other newer Goosebumps books. I have a couple of Goosebumps 2000 and a few more HorrorLand books. I will undoubtedly work them in at some point. At the very least they will come after I finish my collection of original books.

So I hope you enjoyed this. Happy Halloween1

#28 The Cuckoo Clock of Doom

Judging a Book by its Cover

My oh my, that cuckoo bird doesn't look particularly scary. It just looks... annoyed. Like, it is totally sick of this shit. Popping out every fucking hour? God, what an existence! Also, that has got to be the longest fucking perch for a cuckoo bird ever. Pretty typical though, Goosebumps covers like to have weird angels and crazy proportions. It's creepy I guess?

As for the taglines, the front's is "keep your eye on the birdie!" Is that... a badminton reference? Or... I don't know where else that would come from really. Not particularly clever, funny, or anything. The back's is "don't beat the clock." Which... I also don't get. So beat the clock means you are timed and you get done in time, right? So... don't.... do that? Or... don't... physically assault your clock? Whatever.

One thing on this cover I do like is the color scheme. I comment on color schemes every so often. Some of them just seem sort of randomly chosen. This one compliments the blue walls and yellow bird. I like it!

Getting Goosebumps

Michael is a pretty average 12 year old kid. Because all of RL Stine's main characters are pretty average 12 year old kids. But Michael's little sister Tara is not so average. She is kind of a pain in the ass. In fact, she is sort of an evil cunt. Now that's not something I usually say about 7 year old girls, but she's fictional so whatever. His parent's always think she is the sweetest little angel, but Michael knows better.

Now speaking of his parents, his dad totally loves this antique cuckoo clock from the antique shop. He's been looking at it for years in a nearby antique shop, and the owner finally decided to sell it because there is a small flaw in the clock. Since no one can tell what the flaw is, it doesn't bug them. One weird feature is that it has a hand that points to what year it is, up to the year 2000. I guess the makers of the clock figured Y2K was gonna end the world at that point, so no need to go higher. Oh also, apparently the clock is magic. If you know the secret of the clock you can go back in time! Har har, surely Dad is just making up stories.

So back to the bitch of a 7 year old sister. In the opening 3 chapters, she purposely causes Michael to step in gum, stomps on his feet, teases him for being startled by the cuckoo coming out of the clock, bothers him while he's doing his homework, jumps out of the clock with a Halloween mask on to scare him, and laughs at him again for being started by the cuckoo clock. And seriously, she's just getting warmed up. She also ruined his birthday by ripping down decorations, scratched his brand new bike before he even laid a finger on it, told his crush that he is likes her, opened his presents while he was in the other room, and tripped him while he was carrying his cake so he fell into it and got cake all over himself in front of everyone. Seriously, this is just the first 3 chapters. Hella short chapters too. And of course mom and dad always side with the cute little girl. Michael just wishes he could go back in time and do his birthday over again. Surely he shall never get that chance! Chapter 4 is just a flashback to all the horrible things his sister did to him a few days before. She was abusing their family cat then it scratched Michael. She purposely lead friends from a play Michael was in, into his room while he was changing. Girls saw him in his under pants! Two days earlier she got Michael beaten up by an athletic kid by hiding his had inside Michael's backpack. Now do you understand why I called this 7 year old brat a total cunt?

I guess now you can understand while Michael would want to get back at her. During one afternoon their
dad caught Tara playing with the cuckoo clocks dials. Now if Michael messed with the clock the parents would think she did it! So he sneaked out one night and turned the cuckoo bird's head backwards. Not the most clever of tricks, but perhaps it shall do the job.

The next day, instead of the glory of framing his sister he instead got... deja vu. His parents were acting like it was his birthday again. In fact... it... was his birthday again. He got his bike again. Tara scratched it again. Every horrible thing she did on his birthday happened again. In fact, despite knowing what was going to happen he couldn't even prevent himself from falling into his cake. It was terrible!

The morning after he woke up really early and had to talk to his parents about how his birthday had already happened before. His parents didn't understand him though, because his birthday is 2 days away! Maybe that clock really is magic! But wait, the cuckoo clock is gone... because it is before his father bought the clock! It must still be at the antique store. Naturally his attempts to convince his family that something is wrong are futile. He has to go to school and relive a day he already lived through. He remembered everything that happened and... oh no! The day his female friend see him in his underpants. Even though he knows its coming he can't find a way to stop it.  The next day he relived the incident of getting beat up by the athlete.

Things didn't get better from there. The next day when he walked into class they wondered what a third grader was doing there. A THIRD GRADER!??! He went back in time 4 years in just 1 night. Back and home things weren't any better. Even as a 3 year old Tara is a cunt. She still tormented the cat, and she pulled Micahel's hair. The next day he was a second grader. 2 year old Tara poked him in the eye. Was she a cunt from birth?

Finally Michael came up with a plan. He rode a bus to the antique store, which is slightly odd for a second grader to go. He managed to claim his parents were cool with it. He had to be careful though, his dad works right next to the store and he can't be spotted. Especially because he's going to have to break his way in. The antique store owner is on vacation! He ventured off to find a brick and came back. Just when he was about to throw it, his dad came up from behind him, surprised to see him. Despite Michael's attempts to get dad to go get the clock, it was not to be.

The next day Michael woke up in Tara's room. That's weird. Mom and dad don't seem to know where Tara is. That's because she hasn't been born yet! Now life as a kindergartener sucks. He has the mind of a 7th grader but has to go through shit like "learning" to tie his shoes.  Throughout his day he couldn't think of a way as a kindergartener to get to that antique store.

Then he regressed to nursery school. His female friends he remembered from the future were here and thought he was a gross boy. They teased him and typical little kid shit. His crush dared him to climb a tree. He can do that no sweat! Wait... Isn't nursery school the year he broke is arm?

Well he woke up next day and his arm was fine. Unfortunately he was in a crib, wearing diapers. And his mom... had to ... change his diapers. I gotta imagine that's unpleasant for a 7th grade mind to go through. Luckily though, it just so happens at this point in time Michael's parents had to go to the antique store and look for a table. With some babyish requests to get down out of his stroller, he toddled over to the clock. And as luck would have it, it just started to chime! But how could he reach it as a toddler? He pushed a chair up to the clock and turned the birds head around. He managed to turn the year setting back to 1995 before his parents caught him and pulled him from the clock. The store owner was trying to set it back to the right year but then a flash of light happened.

Did it work? Well it was back to the day of his birthday! I guess that's good and bad, it means he got the time right but he is going to have to relive all those horrible things for a 3rd time! Oh no! But wait, he got the bike and Tara didn't come in and scratch it. Where is she? Mom and dad don't seem to know who Tara is. Her room is now a guest room? Oh well, he had the best birthday party of his life? Maybe something about the flaw in that clock has to do with why Tara is gone? Michael examines the clock and notices that on the year gauge, the year 1988 is missing... The year Tara was gone. He really probably should go back in time and fix this. I mean... Maybe... Whatever, he might get to it... Perhaps...

What I Thought

I liked it! I actually thought it is one of the better books in the series so far. For once there was a character I felt pretty strongly about. Now granted I hated her, but those are strong feelings! And you were supposed to hate Tara. Also there was no twist ending that made everything stupid. Like... the clock also being a vampire, or him being a Benjamin Button kid and the clock having nothing to do with it or something.

Now I think this is an interesting example of not completely linear story telling for kids. I feel like they probably don't experience that much until they get older. Now granted it wasn't an extreme case of that, but they did do it. Michael explained about his recent life, then went back to days before, and then to days before that. I think exposing kids to flash backs like that makes them think a little more than usual. Also it sort of foreshadowed how he was going actually go back in time. If I didn't know better I might think he did it that way on purpose.

I liked how even though Michael knew what was happening when he was back in time, he was powerless to stop the terrible events from reoccurring. It wasn't some mystical force keeping him on the same track, it was just happenstance, perhaps things he forgot or couldn't figure out. But it was interesting how he was doomed to repeat the embarrassments.

Also it was interesting how the villain was sort of his little sister. I mean, usually there is some villain at work here, but the only despicable being working against Michael was Tara. The actual mystical things happening were just an accident, not the work of an evil wizard or a scientist or something. So while he was working to undo the time travel, he wasn't working against a villain. The only one he was clashing with was his little sister. And I think anyone who has a sibling probably knows about not getting along with them, even if it's not to this extent. I mean I had an older sister, but she was also pretty evil to me growing up.

So the favorite thing was the ending. Stine could have very easily turned this into some moral tale. He could have gone back in time and see how his little sister actually really loved him when she was little and was just going through a phase. Or he could have gone back and seen that he did something really awful to her when she was younger and changed it so she wouldn't have been so mean to her. But nope, Stine wasn't having any of that shit. He just erased her from assistance and shrugged and said "meh." And that is fucking awesome. I mean normally I would be for there being some sort of lesson or moral or something more to the story. But come on, the kid wished his little sister was never born and didn't go through some trite Jimmy Stewart It's a Wonderful Life BS. I approve.

Rating: 4/5 clocks

Up Next

The next book in the series is Monster Blood III. That wacky blood is at it again I guess! I think Monster Blood is the most sequeled book he wrote, at the very least in the original series. Understandable, because it was one of the more popular books.

However, Halloween is coming up soon and I want to do something special for it. The past few years I have done some of the "Give Yourself Goosebumps" series of books, but I am doing something different this year. So check back on Halloween for that, and sometime in November for Monster Blood III.

#27 A Night in Terror Tower

Judging a Book by its Cover

 

Mwa-hah-hah, the executioner is here. With his bulging muscles he looks a bit like a poorly conceived professional wrestler. Granted, even in a "no rules" match I imagine most wrestling organizations frown upon use of a battle axe. Also, the executioners tailor seems to be a bit inept. His clothes have the strangest stitched together pieces. Can't the executioners union bargain for decent uniforms?

So anyway, here we are going to spend a night in Terror Tower. The name evokes a Disney World ride but if
I remember right it is more based on the Tower of London. This is one of those "vacation" books where they go off to an exotic location... like England! A safe choice because 9 year olds have almost certainly heard of it before.

Lets have some hypotheses about what will happen in this book. My first thought is that the kid will take a tour and the actors portraying historical figures will be legitimately sinister. Of course, there could also be time travel involved. A tower lost in time? Maybe it'll be like Scooby Doo and some cranky old man who is trying to dig up ancient relics wears an executioners costume at night to scare away visitors.

Enough speculation. Taglines! The front one is, "It's gonna be a L-O-N-G night!" Which is neither funny nor clever. F. The back tagline reads, "ALl locked up and no place to go!" which is a play on a popular phrase. Also it takes on the funny aspect of literally having no place to go when one is locked up. B+.

Now it's been awhile since I've written here because I am terrible at doing this, but lets get to it!

Getting Goosebumps

Terror Tower is an old prison in England where people used to be tortured. Clearly, the perfect place for children like Eddie and his sister Sue to visit. Of course, they already saw Westminster Abbey and ate some bangers and mash so what is left to do but visit a torture chamber? Well, they could go to another museum but tour guide Mr. Starkes puts it up to a vote and Eddie demands to see Terror Tower! Apparently it was a fort built by the Romans, until converted into a prison. Twas the first debtors prison in England you see! The tour takes a dark turn when Mr. Starkes informs them that they will be imprisoned and tortured until they confess to why they wanted to come to such a place. Just kidding! Oh Mr. Starkes, you rascal!

There tour starts off well enough. They get to see all sorts of family fun like executioners axes and the torture rack. But then the kids see a mysterious, hatted gentleman who doesn't seem to be with the group. Also, when Sue wants to take a picture, she can't find her camera. Is it lost forever? Nope, Eddie stole it proudly proclaiming, "the mad pickpocket strikes again!" Sue didn't even get a chance to take her picture because they had to keep up with the group and behold the wholesome goodness of thumbscrews and spiked handcuffs. Being the consummate sibling, Sue gets Eddie back for his theft by feigning grievous injury at the hands of the torture devises. Hilarious!

Now we hit the part of the book that gives the plot away. They climb the tower and Sue can swear she's
climbed it sometime before in her life. Then she learns about the tragedy of Prince Edward and Princess Susannah. Eddie and Sue. Edward and Sussannah. I don't know if I picked up on it immediately as a kid but the clues were fucking crystal clear on this read through. Yay for being an adult reading a children's book! Anyway the young royalty it seems, were imprisoned in the tower and ordered to be smothered in their sleep. The rest of the story is unclear because of Eddie and Sue's fucking about. Then they lost the rest of the tour. Panicked they wonder what to do when the gentleman with a hat finds them and tells the kids they must follow him if they don't wish to be hurt. They assume he is a security guard until he begins acting like a lunatic. The only solution of course is, RUN!

They managed to run their asses right into the dungeon. "Abandon all hope!" proclaims a thunderous voice as they enter. Boney hands flail out from behind cells and bodies are chained to the floor. They are dummies, and the voice was a tape. I wanted to think of a clever way to revealed that but I couldn't. RL Stine couldn't either though, so no worries. The weird guy chasing them is real though, and he's still a'chasin'! He done chased em into the sewer where a legion of rats emerged. Luckily Mr. Hat is scared of rats too. While the kids manage to evade the rodents by clinging to grips on the sewer ceiling, the creepy Hatman has to run away. Alas, his hat flies off his head and gets chewed to pieces. RIP Hat.

When they get out of the sewer they discover that the tour bus left without them. A crabby, disbelieving security guard sends them off to their parents' hotel in a taxi. When the arrive there is a problem paying the cabby. He doesn't seem to think the money their parents gave them is real legal tender. He wants genuine British pounds. Luckily he allows them to go in and get "real" money from their parents. Trouble is, there parents don't seem to be in the room! Luckily, in a massive breach of security a hotel worker lets them inside.No luggage or anything is inside the room and the person working at the front desk says it is vacant. Worst of all, the kids can't seem to remember their last name. In fact, while sitting down to tea and trying to remember their last name they realize they can't even remember what their parents look like or where they live. Did I miss the chapter where Gilligan dropped a coconut on their heads? The only things they seem to really remember is their own first names and what they thought was their hotel room number, 626. They can remember what happened today but not yesterday. One thing they also forgot, though only momentarily, is that a pissed off cabby was waiting for them outside. As they try to escape him they run into... the hatless man!

Now, with this meeting of the no hat man, he is demanding that they "give them back?" Give what back? Turns out the pickpocket strikes again. Eddie had stolen some weird stones from the weird guy. He tries to bargain for their safety by giving the stones back but he is the worst bargainer ever. Eddie just gives them back and then the hatless dude somehow does some dimension bending and everything goes black. When they awaken they are in a very old looking hall. Must be a historic part of the hotel. A robed man, however, informs them that is the Abbey. He also tells them not to leave, and that he smells evil on them. What does evil smell like anyway? Anyway, he also tells them their time is near. Judging by the evil smelling comment I don't think the time nearness is a good thing.

Not convinced that they were indeed in an Abbey instead of their hotel they go locking for the elevator.
Instead they found a restaurant of some kind, but not the one they found last night. This one has blazing fires, wooden tables, and a whole deer on a spit. Everyone was dressed weird and eating with their hands. Must be a costume party and not time travel! Suddenly every stopped to look at Sue and Eddie. One man proclaims, "it's them!" and the kids use the only solution they know. They run.

Outside they finally get a clue that they've time traveled. There are no cars or tall buildings, just haystacks and cottages. Because they aren't bright children they still are determined to look for their hotel. A boy talks to them and doesn't seem to know what a hotel is. You can tell he is from olden times because he uses the word "ye."

Suddenly Eddie disappeared. Then the weird hatless man appeared. But he has a brand new hat on this time. Yay! But then an oxcart hurries by and his hat falls off! Oh no! In the chaos Sue escapes and tries to hide. She gets a peasant woman to hide her by bribing her with the money her parents gave her to get a cab. Turns out they are gold Sovereigns which, if RL Stine was using any historical accuracy would place this time period from the late 1400's on. Immediately the woman turns Sue over to hatman. What a bitch! Can you not trust people who take bribes anymore? As Sue gets taken away her betrayer tells her that she couldn't go against the wishes of the Lord High Executioner. Sue wonders what an executioner would want to do to her, because she is an idiot

They get let out at, of course, Terror Tower. They are locked in a room confused and alone. Then a purple robed purple eyed man enters. Is purple even a possible eye color? Anyway, he seems dismayed that they have "returned." They "don't remember him, but they will." He calls them Edward and Susannah, but their names are Eddie and Sue. If it took you this long into the book to figure out that they are the same people, then you are clearly some kind of idiot 8 year old. Hah hah. Bow to my superior adult mind! Anyway, purple eye's name is Mogred the wizard which would explain the purple eyes. Anyway, he explains the HUGE PLOT TWIST to the kids. Turns out Prince Eddie and Princess Sue's uncle king has ordered them to be placed in the tower. Denying the story Sue wonders if Morgred is crazy. Sure, you traveled in time and got put in a Medieval torture chamber, but the wizard who says your a princess is crazy. Oh anyway, also their parents are dead. Now the kids are going to be murdered. bummer. Morgred tried to stop it by sending them forward in time and changing their memories but apparently it didn't work. Then, even though he spent time explaining all this shit, he puts his hand to their heads and restored their memories. Wouldn't it have been easier just to do that in the first place?

Anyway, turns out those weird stones the execution hard were part of the magic that sent the kids forward in time. As luck would have it, Prince Eddie stole them back again! It's an easy spell to do, but Mogred can't do it because if he does it again the king would have him executed. He doesn't think about sending himself forward in time with them because he is... say it with me... an idiot. Well Eddie stole the rocks for a third fucking time and finally got their asses back to the present day (which was like the mid 1990s) They are with the tour and this time the guide explains that on the night they were set to be executed the prince and princess mysteriously disappeared. Morgred is even with them in the future. Eddie decided to bring him with. I don't know why, that guy was all set to let them die. He may be a masterful wizard but he was outsmarted by a god damn 12 year old. Annnnywho, that's the end.

What Did I Think?

First things first, lets start with the cover. That generic, hooded, hunchbacked executioner doesn't really appear in the fucking book. The Lord High Executioner or whatever he was called had a wide brimmed hat (that was tragically lost and replaced as I have mentioned) and a cape. Did the illustrator even skim this book?

But about the story. I think this is the first time travel book in the series. (Tick Tock Your Dead was time travel, but it was a choose your own adventure style book.) Time travel is fun. Usually it's more of a sci-fi thing. Sometimes it's magical, like modern people getting sent back in time (like Black Knight starring Martin Lawrence!) but this is like... ancient people being sent forward in time.... and then... back... and then forward again. It's simple enough though, easy for a kid to follow...

But... is it too easy? I pointed out how they give away the plot twist really early and really blatantly. Too blatant for a 10 year old? I don't know. I don't remember if I figured it out that early as a kid. Maybe Stine was right to hammer the reader over the head with the evidence right away. I feel like a kid might have gotten more from a small peppering of clues over time. An adult reader surely would have!

How about we talk about the characters. Well... There were some... I mean, you don't get any real in his delorean.

characterization from these books. Eddie was generic boy. I guess he was a little easily frightened and a bit of a thief. Sue was generic girl. Executioner guy was generic bad guy. Morgred was... An idiot. I gotta believe even 10 year old me wondered why this numbskull didn't think to send himself back to the future with the kids

So I dunno. This just seems to continue the tradition of this series being shallow simple fun. There can be depth to kids books. Look at Charlotte's Web. Hell, look at The Lorax, and that shit was aimed at kindergarteners. I guess not everything has to have any meaning or depth. It would be nice if Stine had tried a little bit harder though. Then maybe each book could be memorable on its own, instead of just a cog of mass produced 60 series long literature. But hey, I had fun with it then, and it was still kind of fun now.

Rating: 3/5 Executioner's Axes

Up Next

There is actually a sequel to this book called Return to Terror Tower. It was one of the Give Yourself Goosebumps series though, and not in the main series. I never read it, and I don't own it. So the next book up in the main series is #28, the Cuckoo Clock of Doom. I gotta say, I think my entries will be shorter from now on. Really they have to be. It takes me waaaay longer to write an entry than to read the book. I am starting to see it as a little bit of a chore, when I feel like it should be fun. So I'll try to still a good job of saying what happens, but maybe condense it a bit. Catch ya next time.