Gooflumps #4 1/2 Eat Cheese and Barf!

Judging a Book by its Cover

Gooflumps! That's right it's April Fools Day and thus I am going to read the one remaining book in this spoof series. Now once again, you can tell it is not officially connected to Goosebumps in anyway way by all the warnings and notices. And once again this book is not by RL Stine but by RU Slime. Classic. Now I never read this one as a kid , never bought it. I purchased this from the thrift store a few months ago. On the inside cover is the name of a kid I think I might have gone to high school with. I'll have to contact him and see if it's the same guy!

Anyway, so the cover. This is a lot more grotesque than your classic 'bumps. I mean, there is even Barf in the title. We got maggoty worm cheese, a vomiting cow, what seems to be dead cows. Grossness seems to be the go-to thing here.The vomiting cow seems especially gross. Maybe because it is holding up its hoof to cover its mouth? Even the tagline is gross. Where Goosebumps tries to throw in a pun or a twist on a turn of phrase, this books goes for goes. "Chunks City" is the tagline. Ew. I think we all know what kind of chunks they are talking about.

Now as to what I think this book is going to be about? I... really have no idea. Presumably some one will both eat cheese and barf. Will there be evil cheese? Perhaps tainted cheese? A madman tainted the world's cheese supply? Evil cows? Alien Cows? Alien Cheese? These are just guesses!

Just a minor thing before I start reading. Though it is not the cover, I dunno where else to talk about it. The about the author section on the inside back is pretty funny. Who is the true identity of RU Slime? Will we ever know? Do we even want to? Probably not!

Getting Goosebumps Gooflumps

So like Goosebumps, this book stars an average(ish) tween. This one stars Billy Fudder... Fudder... like udder... which makes milk... which makes cheese... ANYWAY We open with Billy's parents forcing him to drink milk. The problem with this is that Billy has an enzyme in his stomach which causes him to barf if he eats dairy, hence the title of the book. Well they make him drink and he spews all over and then he wakes up. Yes, just like what has happened in Goosebumps countless times, so too has happened in this spoof. Accurate!

Back in the real world he is traveling via station wagon with his family to Bledsoe, New York. It is apparently the Cottage Cheese Capitol of the World. What a claim to fame. It seems that Billy's Great-Grandpa left them "Breakwind Farms" (Get it, breakwind... like... fart...) after he passed on and they are moving in. The kids don't seem too pleased about leaving home. The farm town smells of cows, which isn't helping them adjust. One of the aforementioned cows approaches them... with a human arm in its mouth! Luckily this was just a parody of the patented RL Stine false scare. The cow is Martha and she is just carrying Armand's fake arm. Armand was hired by Great Grandpa to help with the farm. While admiring the fake arm, Billy steps in a cow pie, hilarious. Supposedly Armand's real arm got sucked off by a milking machine, which seems odd. You would think cow udders wouldn't fair well in such a machine. Inside, a discussion with his son reveals that dad doesn't want to live here at all, he is being sent to live with his 100 year old aunt Gladys 2000 miles away! JK, LOL, ROFLMFAOBBQ!!!!11one Oh that Dad, what a jokester. Then older bracefaced sister Jennifer starts throwing a hissy fit because they made her leave her boyfriend. Thankfully she is appeased when Armand informs her that there will be a town dance coming up where all the eligible young men will be wanting to check out the new city girl. Woo. Late that night Billy looks out his bedroom window and swears he sees Armand talking to a cow. Strange.

Next morning Billy gets up, goes to the bathroom, and sees his sisters poppy zit pus all over the mirror. Gross. He takes an extremely long shower for obvious reasons. Then he goes downstairs to eat breakfast. False scare into horrible pancakes! Hah hah, his mom can't cook. Classic! Out exploring town, Billy steps into another cow pie, still hilarious! Then he meets a girl on a motor-scooter. Her name Fanny Rennet... heh heh, Fanny... Like butt! And Rennet is an enzyme used in cheese production which is a joke I'm sure absolutely 0 children understood. Well maybe a few children who actually live and work on cheese farms... Anyway, Miss Butt Cheese Enzyme is throwing dirt balls at a sign of John Curdle (like cheese Curdles, oh man, these jokes) because he is evil and his nephew is a jerk. Seems like a reasonable reason to be defacing property. She also demonstrates that she can burp so heinously that she will cause anyone to vomit. What a lady! They go into town and meet Officer Eclaire (eclair like the type of donut!) stuffing his face full of donuts. Ah, good old fashioned stereotypes. Fanny shows Billy her parents business, the Moo N' Doo. Then Billy's dad shows up to tell him his mom is pregnant. Joking again! Bazinga!

Well ol' kidder dad pays the kids to clean out the basement. Fanny asserts that it was their great grandpa's secret laboratory. Down there they find a hole in the wall. Inside they find a container full of a human brain! No, even better, it's full of cottage cheese! It comes with a diary that urges you not to show it to anyone in the Curdle family. Mom calls them to lunch and naturally is disbelieving of the cheese brain. Also, as it just so happens, John Curdle has come for a visit. He convinces mom to come work with him at the International Milk Products (IMP) in marketing. He also seems real interested in Billy's cheese brain story. The kids decided to bring the cheese to an abandoned barn to investigate. Billy steps in his 3 cow pie. This joke never gets old! At the barn they investigate the cheese. Billy swears it moves. Fanny looks closer and he shoves her face in the cheese. She responds with a burp that makes him puke. I don't know if I can take all this high brow humor! Curiously, they notice that Billy's puke burns the cheese away. I'm sure that wont come up later! Just then Martha the talking cow interrupts them? Nevermind, it's Armand talking not the cow. He gives them a cryptic warning.

Later on, Jerry Curdle (the nephew) threatens to beat up Billy. Officer Eclaire shows up and does nothing of use (like the real police, har har har, amirite folks?!?) Luckily Armand and Martha show up to break things up. Martha scares him off. Armand explains that it was because of an ol' stampede that people are frightened of the cow. Odd. Just then Billy's dad comes within inches of hitting him with the car. It was a joke WHAT A KIDDER!

Well once again the kids investigate the cheese. It's growing! Also, it has tentacles that reach out and grab
them. Plus it consumes a bird. Just when you think things can't get weird Martha the cow shows up and genuinely talks. Turns out she was one of great grand pappy's experiments. Another one is this bird eating cheese blob. Though he developed it, he was working for IMP at the time, and the curdle family would use it for evil, so Martha must study it. Jerry showed up inquisitive about what was going on, but mostly left em alone.

Then the cheese grew so giant it blotted out the sun! .... in a dream. Come on, I feel like you get 1 dream fake-out per book. Anyway, the kid discuss the previous events and try to decide if it is a dream. Then knife wielding Jerry Curdle shows up to take a sample from the mysterious cheese experiment. Then the cheese eats him. Awesome. Martha shows up and theorizes that Jerry is not dead, because the cheese hasn't digested him yet. How does one breathe inside a mass of sentient cottage cheese? I have no idea. Also the cow theorizes that the cheese must continue to feed.

Billy resolves to conquer the cheese. He dresses up like his favorite hero, the White Ninja and sets out to attack with Fanny at his side. They find what they think is its nest... a bed of iceberg lettuce. Because obviously cottage cheese and a bed of lettuce go together. Then they attack the cheese! But alas, it was just Armand in the dark. He explains how he worked on the cheese with Billy's great grandpa, then the cheese shows up. Armand tries to stop him but gets consumed. Trying to free him the kids pull off his fake arm. At least he slowed the cheese down so the kids can escape. They see the cheese again attacking Officer Eclaire! but it is only a cheese sculpture for the dairy dance that night. They decide if the cheese needs to feed that is where it will go.

Billy visits his mom to get her to convince people to call off the dance. It doesn't go well and Jonathon Curdle intervenes. He claims Jerry is missing because he had to leave town to visit a sick cousin. Sly. He encourages Billy to visit Nurse Pontiac, if her name is a reference to a type of cheese, I don't know it. Mr. Curdle takes over the examination and prescribes... MILK! It's a torture session, oh no! His sister interrupts it by bounding in distraught that Jerry isn't going to the dance with her. Billy wisely uses this time to slip away.

Unable to figure out how to prevent the dance from happening, the kids show up with their families. Just when Billy's mom is unveiling the new town Motto the accidentally wheel out out the cheese sculpture. Thankfully it wasn't the cheese beast! The motto, by the way, is "everything is cheesier in Bledsoe." Also, Jennifer is proclaimed the dairy queen! Then the cheese sculptured gets wheeled out again... No! It's the evil cheese beast! It consumed Jennifer, but the kids came up with a plan. Billy's barf burned the beast (alliteration!) so they plan to have him puke all over the cottage cheese monster. He tries to eat some cheese but can't mentally bring himself to do it. Plan B: Fanny belches her foul breath at Billy. It's horrible and indeed causes him to puke all over the cottage cheese, over and over. One by one forms emerged from the vomity cheese. Jennifer, Armand, Jerry and Jonathon... even the bird came out alive. Things are going to be OK!

The End.

What I Thought

Gross. No really, gross. The previous Gooflumps had literal toilet humor but I don't remember it being this darn gross. I'm sure as a kid I would have loved it. It is the kind of book a child would love purely because his parents would never want him to read it. As an adult it wears pretty thin though. I mean how many times can a person stepping in cow poop really be funny? A couple I suppose. I mean there may be a point where more is better, but a not particularly clever joke repeated over and over looses steam.

What it does well though is mimic a Goosebumps book. It has stupid fake scares. Stupid "you don't know it's a dreams." Stupid pranks. Though its title is a parody of Say Cheese and Die the actual story is much more like Monster Blood, with cottage cheese instead of slime.

In fact, some things it does better than a Goosebumps book. While those books can be silly, this book takes it all out. All the stupid cheese names are actually kind of humorous. Plus a talking cow? Awesome! Talking cow beats out "everyone is an alien" BS. Plus the interactions between siblings seems realer. In Goosebumps books they just sort of get on each other's nerves. On this one they insult their complexions. Pizza face they call em! Real sibling banter.

But the grossness. Oh man. I mean I guess with a title like Eat Cheese and Barf I should know what to expect. But he literally barfs when he eats dairy! And the end. Ok, though I'm very glad this wasn't a TV Show, the end is kind of humorous. I mean, belches causes barfing on a giant cottage cheese monster? Way to take the grossiosity to the max. I try not to visualize it. Ew.

So basically if you want a silly and way way way grosser take on Goosebumps this may be your book. Adults might want to keep their kids from it if they want to limit their exposure to shit, puke, gas, etc, but then without those things what fun is childhood?

Up Next

Well this was the last Gooflumps. On the cover of the book it even says "Buy 2- That's It!" in a mockery of the endless slew of Goosebumps book. So next, there is a 95% chance I'll return to the main series where we left off. That would be, it came from beneath the sink! As per usually, I don't remember a damn thing about this book. You would think you'd notice something living beneath the sink. Is it a monster? Or perhaps some sort of sentient mold born of experimental cleaner and dirty dripping water? Who can say. Until next time folks.

Gooflumps #2 1/2 Stay Out of the Bathroom

Happy April Fool's Day one and all. In celebration I'm breaking out the first book in the 2 book series Gooflumps. Despite being the first book, it is numbered 2 1/2. Instead of being authored by R.L. Stine like the classic Goosebumps series, this is apparently written by "R.U. Slime" Some googling shows that his real name is Robert Hughes, but doesn't shed light on if he has ever written books besides Gooflumps. I like to think that these books are the climax of his entire existence. So then, lets get into it!

Judging a Book by its Cover

  

That is a pretty convincing parody of a Goosebumps book! It's a little less slimely and drippy and a little more cartoony, but it's probably best not to get sued. That would also be why there is a nice red "warning" that this is not a Goosebumps book. An unauthorized parody! This spoof is just a goof! It also mocks the vastness of the Goosebumps series by promoting the fact that there are just 2 Gooflumps. Even with just 2, I never did complete the series, alas I only have book 2 1/2.

The title of the book seems to be a take off on Stay Out of the Basement. The bathroom is a bit of a more silly and scatological choice. Still, who doesn't fear at some point in their life, getting sucked down the toilet? Also, that bathroom has the worst color scheme I've ever seen. On top of that they don't even have the toilet paper on correctly. You have the sheets going over the top dammit! You put the paper on like that and you deserve a toilety death.

This even has the taglines on the front and back. "Terror in the toilet..." Sheesh, a janitor's worst nightmare. On the back is "Put down the seat, waste product!!!" Waste product? Wait, are you calling me shit? Uncalled for good sir!

Anyway, lets see what this parody has to offer. It could just be a cheap cash in on a popular childhood craze, or it could be a genuinely funny spoofy on a series ripe for parody. Which way will it go? Let's find out!

Getting Goosebumps Gooflumps

We start with main character Joe being chased down on a space ship by Roger and his Venusian mercenaries. But they are being lead into a trap! There is a secret chamber with a self destruct button which Joe hits with glee, trapping himself and all his enemies in a deadly explosion. Even though he died, surely he must have won the game. Oh that's right, it's a game! And here I was thinking it was set in outer space. Why you rascally start of the book, you tricked me! Mid-argument about the outcome of the video game they hear shrieks coming from the other room. Joe's sister is being attacked in the bathroom by.... GERMS! Probably, this place is disgusting, and it's all Joe's fault. And his sister isn't above being a narc, especially after he teases her about being afraid of the basement. Then Roger calls Joe "Homey" as he breaks into a rap. I'm not joking. That is what happens. Dear god this is cornier than Goosebumps already. For his finale he accidentally breaks the toilet. That's what happens when you fly to close to the crapper on wings of stupidity.

Turns out Roger's dad is a plumber, and Roger goes to get some plumber's tape to fix it up after conning Joe into admitting he is better at the video game they were playing earlier. When he returns and fixes up the toilet which is leaking everywhere, he is rewarded with a donut. A HURTZ DONUT! Oh man, classic stuff there. Anyway, Joe's dad shows up and has to use the bathroom and uh oh, turns out plumber's tape isn't that great of a fix. Now as punishment Joe has to go look for a toilet with his dad, which hardly seems harsh at all. After trying other places that were closed they wind up at "Gleepnorp's Sanitary Units and Appliances" Which has a big sale, one day only! Also, it has a sign that says "No Food or Drinks Allowed" only the R in drinks is rubbed out. Teehee, no dinks allowed. While Joe is outside finishing his rootbeer he hears a ruckus with some garbage can and see... Oscar the Grouch! Wait no, his Aunt Selma. Close first guess though Joe. They go inside to talk to Dad and in the ultimate of these "think it is one thing but it turns out to be another" gags the chapter ends with Joe thinking they are being approached by one of the toilets, but it turns out to be... Gleepnorp the salesman. I make the same mistake all the time Joe, don't worry.

Well the toilet-looking-toilet-salesman actually looks a bit more like an alien when up close. And he talks funny. And he mentions being from Polaris... New Jersey. Weird. Plus crazy hippy Aunt Thelma thinks they shouldn't by the toilet here. Dad hates Aunt Thelma though, plus this is the only toilet store that is open, so what are ya gonna do? They get it installed, and banish Joe to only use the basement bathroom from now on. Sister Cynthia was almost condemned too, but she plead to not be in with messy bro. Later, Joe overhears Dad in the bathroom, and no it's not what you think. There are weird lights and he mentions something about transport. Afterwards he acts really strange. He starts calling his son Joey which he hasn't done in years. The next day he misses breakfast to start a mysterious new project... Odd. Then mom discovers Joe messed up the basement bathroom already, good grief! Unfortunately, he can't clean it up now because he's gotta go to school!

After school, it's time for Joe to fight Lumpy Leudke which is a pretty good name. Lumpy, however, doesn't look so good. Maybe he is really sick, maybe he just doesn't want to fight. Only one way to find out! And the result of that? Getting puked on. Ew. He runs all the way home, and in the quickest transfer of illness in history, suddenly Joe has to puke too, but he can't make it to the basement bathroom so he uses the upstairs one with the new toilet. After Ralphing in the bowl, he flushes, and the toilet seat slams down on him, almost strangling hime! And the water feels like it's pulling him in! And there is a face looking back at him from the water! And there are weird lights like when he saw his dad in the bathroom! Oh no! With his last ounce of strange he pulls himself free. His mom finds him and starts worrying about his illness, while he's worried about the toilet. Both mom and Roger downplay his toilet fears, and mom goes off alone to clean it. Then she starts acting weird like dad. Later Joe and Roger inspect the toilet, and find a weird hidden panel with buttons.This isn't an ordinary toilet! Cynthia comes in to clean things with Darling Debbie products, which seems to be a running joke in this book and the boys decide not to clue her in to things, especially because they can't find the weird hidden panel anymore.

In the night, Joe gets attacked in his room by the toilet, and has to hide in his bathroom. He wakes up, and doesn't seem to think it was a dream, which is where I thought things were going. Apparently it was a legit toilet attack... Anyway, now Cynthia is acting strange. She is acting like she used to when she was younger, like a tom boy. She isn't even wearing her Darling Debbie makeups and perfumes! And mom is acting strange cooking all the time instead of going to school. Dad is acting weird spending all his time in the garage.The upstairs bathroom has been padlocked. That means Joe and Roger have to check out the garage and see what dad is up to. Mom catches them snooping and offers them all sorts of desserts, things she never used to do before. The kids resort to calling Aunt Thelma to no avail. What will they do?

Well they head back to the Gleepnorp Sanitary Unit store which happens to be located in Floville. The store is empty. Aunt Thelma's bike is there, and a weird van that used to be there is gone.... Come to think of it, the van was shaped kind of like a toilet. Coming to the conclusion that the family must be taken over by toilet aliens, they race back home. Mom is in space suit  welding suit and offers them a cheese ball. They show off the mysterious garage project. It's a giant toilet! Dad uses the cheese ball to show what would happen if a defenseless planet were to be overrun, but it doesn't work to well. Cheese is mostly kind of squishy.

Anyway it's finally spilled that they are aliens bend on destroying the world, and Cynthia is the supreme commander! Aunt Thelma and Gleepnorp show up, apparently all in on this foul plot. Joe and Roger escape to Roger's house, and decide they have to do something about it. But what? Well apparently arm themselves with a noise making toy and head back to the bathroom that seems to have started it all. They sneak in from the outside. Then they arm themselves further with some Darling Debbie Disinfectant. Then they tinker with the toilet's secret panel and... FLUSH!

It sucks them in, and they go black for awhile, before waking up in a giant toilet like the one in their garage. Everything around them is slimy and they hear a familiar yells. The family members are all there in holding pods! Joe lets them loose, and Dad proves he is the real deal, despite calling him Joey at first. He tweaks his ear and says his name Joe instead of Joey the second time. Just like dad hasn't done since this incident arose! But only Mom, Dad, and Cynthia are there. No Aunt Thelma. Just then, the REAL Gleepnorp shows up, a disgusting alien. Apparently they are invading the planet through toilet portals, and replaced Joe's family with robots. Roger uses his toy noise maker, which at first amuses Gleepnorp, but as he plays with the settings eventually finds Polaris "Death Whistle" which incapacitates him, then Joe uses the Darling Debbie Disinfectant which melts him into a pile of goop. After this fiasco dad manages to get them all back home, because he is an engineer and thus understands this stuff.

At home, they break out of the locked up bathroom and discover that Aunt Thelma has been busy at work. She got "Gleepnorp" the toilet salesman out of alien mind control, and together armed with machetes they hacked apart the family imposter robots. Turns out she knew about this alien plot the whole time because, get this, she subscribes to "Wacko Monthly." Crazy Aunt Thelma knew what was going on all along, thank goodness. Now mom is back to cooking crummy snacks like microwave popcorn, dad's getting ready for work and Cyntha is trying to explain to her friends why she'd been acting like a tomboy. Meanwhile Joe and Roger come up with rap #2 of the book, and head back to Roger's house where his dad is installing a new toilet he got from Floville... Uh oh! Better get your Darling Debbie Disinfectant Ready!

The end.

What I Thought

First thoughts: Pretty good!

Did it feel like a Goosebumps book parody? Kind of! It followed the general course of a Goosebumps book. It took inane childish banter, and made it even more inane. The kids were constantly calling each other names, and making sarcastic comments. Sometimes it got a bit annoying, but that was part of the effect I suppose. He also had the cliff hanger endings to chapters resolving with something ordinary thing down. It could have gone to even more ridiculous extremes though. As for the chapters themselves, they were longer. That was to my liking. The writing itself felt a little bit better than Goosebumps or at least it felt like a better writing trying to go down to a youngsters level (in parody.) Also it could have used some red herrings. It was easy to tell the whole time what was happening and nothing was misleading except the aunt.

The story felt like it could have been a Goosebumps story if it wasn't so scatological. Also things like a crazy aunt wielding a machete probably wouldn't fly in Stine's world. That's too bad, Goosebumps could use more machetes. In fact, Goosebumps could use Danny Trejo character Machete.

Overall though, it didn't feel different enough from a Goosebumps book. It's like it took the formula, and pushed on it a little, but it could have pushed it so much further. He could had made fun of the writing style harder. Make a chapter only 5 words long. Make fun of "trying to scream but no sound coming out." Sure he wrote things more ridiculous than Goosebumps, but he could have made fun of how ridiculous it is. And the ending could have been batshit crazy. This had a silly ending, but not nearly as silly as some genuine Goosebump endings. The rapping was pretty damn ridiculous though, I'll give him that.

Anyway, some things were done right. It had more characterization. The main character was kind of a butthead. He had a personality. It was a douchey personality, but it was different than the general Goosebumps character. His sister was a compulsive neat freak, that gave some personality to her. I suppose it has the advantage of being a 2 book series instead of a 60 book series.

All in all it was a fun little book. It took the fun of a classic Goosebumps and made it a little goofier, and that's not a bad thing. I think if you like the Stine series, you would probably enjoy this book as well. I kind of wonder how I felt about it as a kid though. A lot of the dialogue is kind of mocking how kids interact, and as an adult I appreciate it, but as a kid? Ah well.

Rating: 4 out of 5 toilets

Up Next

Well next up in the Gooflump series is "Eat Cheese and Barf." Unfortunately I don't own this book. If you want me to read it, consider buying it for me off my amazon wishlist here: http://amzn.com/w/6REQ148ZCYQI If you don't, no worries I still have plenty of Goosebumps left to cover.

The actual next book I'll read is back to the classic series. Goosebumps #19: Deep Trouble. Thanks for reading, and Happy April Fools Day!