Goosebumps Series 2000: #13 Return to HorrorLand

Judging a book by its cover

Well now, that purple pig nosed demon guy's ectoplasm ice cream is melting all over! I hope he has plenty of napkins. It'll take forever to get all that goop out of his hairy knuckles. Anyway yes, we are back into HorrorLand, something I'm excited about. The roller coasters loom menacingly in the red skyed background. How has this place not been shut down by the authorities or sued into oblivion? For that matter, have they closed that pinching loophole from the last book? Oh right, if you want to catch up on where we are at, check out my review of the original One Day at HorrorLand.

I believe this is the first of the "Series 2000" Goosebumps I have read. The cover is familiar but slightly different from the original. Though we have the ooze font, the ooze borders are gone. Maybe the monster filled his cone with them? Where the original series had raised bumps on the title, to simulator actual goosebumps, this one just has raised slimeness. It still is a nice effect. Beyond that the actual illustration itself is raised. It's a nice tactile feel to the books. Overall I like the design. Plus it still has the pun taglines. This book has "Long Time No Scream" for a tagline. Decent punwork but it could have had more to do with amusement parks or the topic at hand. B-. The back of the book guarantees "2000 times the scares" which I find to be a dubious claim. The book is still about 120 pages, so they'd have really work hard to jam pack that many scares into it. It would have to be like, a scare a sentence. you'd go into full fright overload. Fear would become meaningless! Let's hope that doesn't happen.

Getting Goosebumps

Its 6 months after the original trek to HorrorLand which siblings Luke and Lizzy remember none to fondly. At home they are relaxing and watching The Strange Report a TV show in which the co-host couple named the Stranges detail strange happenings in the world. For example on this episode they are talking with Evan about his dealings with Monster Blood. Seems like in Monster Blood II when his hamster got huge someone was filming it. In this era it would end up on Youtube but apparently at the time, the best they could do is The Strange Report.

Full disclosure, I wrote the previous couple paragraphs about 4 months ago. Then because I am a lazy good for nothing asshole I stopped, and didn't think about the book at until now. So I have to refresh myself a bit on what happened to plow through the bulk of this recap and review. Will the quality suffer? Probably! But lets get on with it.

It just so happens as they were watching who should show up but Derek and Margo Strange of The Strange Report. Naturally the kids are a bit taken aback. They joke that they are there to film an alien abduction of the children. In reality they are more interested in the children's dealings with HorrorLand. They have noticed lots of strange things about the Park which seems to move to a new location very often. Which is impressive giving all the large structures, haunted houses, roller coasters, etc, that have to get moved. They want to take the kids back and film it to see what is really going on. Mom is naturally worried, but the promise of 10 thousand dollars shuts her up. Now that's good parenting! They invite their friend Clay who was with them last time as well. He is the most apprehensive, because he is a sane rational human being. Not only is the park crazy, but it's in Florida now so they are likely to be eaten by gators.

After some morbid jokes on the trip there they finally approach. Rational Clay is worried. Idiot Luke thinks it is going to be awesome. The Stranges continue to be strange. The park, it seems, is under new management. Could this be a good thing? Almost certainly not. After getting some typical tourist disguises on and readying their camera, they are ready to park.

Inside the park, the camera immediately gets smashed by a grumpy Horror employee who is enforcing their no camera policy. That seems like a trip to small claims court to me Horror. Luckily the Stranges have a "Mini Super 8." Now if any young kids are reading this, 1) Go away, this page is for adults. I say bad words. 2) Cell phone cameras didn't exist. They used to use this thing called "film" to record video. It is bulky and crappy though hip people will claim it's superior, kinda like they say vinyl is better than digital, but they are wrong.

Their first stop is to get some chicken fingers to eat. Turns out, however, they are just fingers. They also notice a lack of "no pinching" signs. (Pinching was the brilliant way to defeat the Horrors of the previous book because RL Stine is the greatest author of all time.) They decide to enter a pyramid known as The Mummy Walk. It's full of snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes? Luke almost gets bitten and then is shocked they are real because he is stupid. Like even stupid by kids standards, because kids tend to be stupid.

Then a voice came from one of the "ancient mummy cases." I believe the word you are looking for their Mr. Stine is "sarcophagus." All of them seem to have mummy voices inside. Except one empty one. Luke dares Lizzy to get inside. She says no because she is smart. Luke does it himself, because let me repeat myself, he is an idiot. The lid comes crashing down. The Stranges are gone. Lizzy and Clay scramble to save the idiot. Park employees are no help, so the kids use some chains and a pulley to pull off the lid. Luke is gone. While frantically trying to figure out what to do, they stumble upon Luke who escaped via trapdoor. He had been waiting outside the pyramid the whole time.

The next attraction they go to is a dentist office. Not joking. It is a monster dental office. It's full of kids screaming about the horrible things the dentists are doing to them. Drilling their tongues, breaking their teeth. Though it is horribly out of place in an amusement park, it's genuinely a little unsettling since many people have a fear of the dentist. Lizzy gets pulled into a chair and a pig snouted monster dentists gets to work on her. In a panic she punches him and realizes he is made of wood. One of those new fangled wooden robots. In a panic she twists his snout which conveniently happens to be the shut off for them. She frees Clay and Luke. Luke, naturally pretends like he knew they were robots the whole time. Meanwhile the Stranges are bummed that they are robots. Because apparently evil dental robots doesn't make for good TV.

After a stop to check out some caramel covered shrunken heads they lose track of the Stranges again. What responsible adults. While searching for them the kids get apprehended by some Horrors that catch them in a net. Clearly the most efficient way to catch children. The Horrors take them all to the master of the Dungeon of No Return. Sounds charming. It's full of lovely stuff like torture racks and thumbscrews. Fun for the whole family. The plan for these children however, is to be fed to ferrets. Which lets be honest, is not the most frightening creature. I mean sure they are fierce for their size and probably have pointy teeth. But kids don't stay up at night afraid that ferrets are going to come eat them. Maybe Stine was just sick of using rats and couldn't think of any scarier small mammal? There are probably way scarier animals he could have used though. A wolverine? That think will fuck up your shit. And I'm not talking about Hugh Jackman.

Well they accidentally press a button that spun the wall around leading them to relative safely, because every good torture dungeon must have an easy way to escape. They see a sign for Amaz-O the magician who I think comes from the Goosebumps book Bad Hare Day but I haven't reread that one yet so I can't totally confirm that. Lizzy ends up being his assistant for a trick involving a tiger. Now THERE is an animal to be afraid of. I wonder how many ferrets a tiger could eat? Anyway, of course something goes wrong. The tigers are gone, but Lizzy is in the cage. Everyone is leaving and she is locked inside. Oh wait, no she's not the cage is open. You'd think she'd check first before she fears for her life.

So everyone is gone and Lizzy goes looking for them. She ends up finding the Stranges being kicked out of the park. They want to toss Lizzy out too but she run away only to find Luke and Clay chained up at Vulture Beach. Naturally vultures were attacking them, but Lizzy finds their one weakness: sand being thrown at them. The boys slide out of their chains by the ancient art of "not balling their hands up into fists." It's like that episode of the Simpsons where homer gets his hand stuck in a vending machine because he won't let go of the pop.

Now trying to outrun all the Horrors of the park, the kids get the genius idea of theft. They steal Horror costumes from the gift shop. It works, somehow. They convince the Horrors at the front of the park that they are there to relieve them and manage to escape the park. There are like 20 pages left in this book though so they are about to do something really stupid. They find the Stranges who instead of helping them escape, bring them back to the park. The Horrors pay off the Stranges. This is all a super convoluted plan. Last summer the kids all saw too much and were ready to tell everyone about it on TV. Thus they must be dealt with. The plan for them is "The Final Jump" a park ride which consists of visitors apparently committing suicide by jumping. At the last minute 3 DIFFERENT Horrors come get them because they have different plans for the kids.

RIDICULOUS ENDING TIME. The 3 rescue Horrors are really human beings from a rival TV show called The Weird Copy. Turns out while the Stranges were pretending to film the kids the Weird Copy people were actually filming them and the Stranges to expose them all. Now the park will be shut down and the Stranges arrested. They just need to shoot a few more scenes... AT TERRORVILLE.

The end.

What I Thought

I have long maintained that out of all the Goosebumps books HorrorLand has the most potential. Think of all the amusement park rides and attractions there are and think about all the ways you can turn them scary. The problem is, sometimes instead of making a genuine scary attraction RL Stine is like, "hey you know a the scariest part of a theme park? Yeah, the dentists office..." And it doesn't really make sense. Maybe the dental scene would have worked better if it was behind the scenes and they were part of the Horrors' health plan? Am I thinking about this too much for a kids book? Probably.

So, they could have either brought the same kids back or had all new kids visiting HorrorLand. Since they chose the prior, I think having a TV show trying to expose them was a clever idea. I just wish they would have played with the concept that the kids had already been there once more. Like, they mention that they don't see any no pinching signs, but it would have been more interesting if the kids got in to trouble and tried to pinch a horror only to have it not work. (Despite this suggestion I maintain that the whole pinching aspect of the first book was stupid.) This, however, might rely too much on kids having knowledge of the previous book. It could have been fun though. Like they go in with all these notions that they know what is going to happen, but it is all different this time, to their shock.

Here is the thing about this book, and a lot of Goosebumps in general. It's too convoluted if you stop and really think of it. So the Stranges are paid off to deliver the kids to the Horrors. Why do they bother to take them around the park and stage the whole thing? Why not just lock them in the car, pull up the park, hand them over, and drive away. The whole aspect of them actually being in the park makes no sense if they've been paid off. So maybe it wasn't their plan to sell out the whole time, wouldn't the allure of exposing real live actual monsters in a sinister park make them far more money on TV then anything the Horrors can pay them off with? But the way it was written makes it sound like they were in cahoots with the Horrors the whole time, which makes a whole lot of their actions make absolutely no sense.

So, I would like to pitch a different ending. So they get out of the park, escaping just in the nick of time, afraid for their lives. But they got it, they got the footage. The Stranges are psyched that their TV show is going to expose this horror show for what it is. Then Dereck realizes... he forgot to take the lens off the camera! Where can I put in my application to be the new RL Stine?

Ultimately, while I think this book had an interesting premise, and I like the setting of HorrorLand I don't think it lived up to the first book. There were some interesting attractions that were mentioned, and the food stuffs were funny. However, the actual attractions they visit were a bit meh, and the plot gets too convoluted. I don't care that I'm a freaking adult and that kids don't think about this stuff. Even a kids book should hold up to a little scrutiny.

Rating: 2 Beach Vultures out of 5

Up Next!

I don't really know. It's been so long since I have done one of these and I'm sorry. I'm probably going to go back to the original series. So there is a good chance the next book I'll cover is The Barking Ghost. Who doesn't love a spooky puppy? As always thanks for reading, and I'll really really try to get the next one out in less than 5 months.

Goosebumps The Game (2015 Video Game)

 

As we've established, Goosebumps is a long running series of books dating back to the 90s. But Goosebumps is so much more than books. It's TV shows, board games, movies, and yes, video games. There have been several video games over the years, and though some came out when I was a kid and still reading the series, this is the first Goosebumps video game I've played. It came out the year of the Goosebumps movie starring Jack Black, but it's not based on the Movie. Not really anyway, though there are similarities. I suppose it could be a prequel? I am not positive if that was the intention or not. Like the movie, this game involves author RL Stine moving to a town and his literary creations escaping their book and causing problems. No Jack Black in this game though!

So what kind of game is Goosebumps? Why it is a point and click adventure just like free Ye Olden Times. Back in the days of King's Quest and Monkey Island. Unlike those games, however, there is no avatar. You are, well, you. The jr. high version of you that is. There is no character for you to identify with, so hopefully you can identify with yourself. In this sense it makes it feel like the "Give Yourself Goosebumps" series. And it's like that in more ways than one. Stupid untimely deaths lurk right around the corner!

Anyway, unlock the coverage I do for the books, I'm not going to vomit back the plot at you. But I will talk about things a bit. So you begin at school, with an empty inventory and a handy dandy cell phone. It's up to you to collect items and figure out how to use them to get through various puzzles and fend off various creatures. And there are A LOT of items. There are a lot that reference Goosebumps but there is also a lot that is just... well... Junk. There are alternate ways to solve many puzzles but I am not convinced every item you can pick up serves that purpose. For example, you find a screwdriver which I probably used a half a dozen times. I also found a half a dozen shoes (no joke) that I used 0 times. Luckily not all the items are so boring. Early on you find a crashed truck full of Goosebumps related items. Why, whoever could have been moving? Oh right, I already told you, it's RL Stine.

So anyway, when you get home from school you discover that something has happened to your house. It has turned all spooooooooky. Not only does it look like the Adams Family lives there, but there are genuine ghosts inside. The ghosts of children for that matter. Which... now that I think about it is a real bummer. You know it didn't hit me as I was playing the game... there are 3 dead children inside your house. How did they die? So young? Jesus. That's harsh game. Harsh.

As far as the puzzles go, most are relatively easy. Which is as it should be, it's aimed at kids primarily I imagine. Though if you are like me, and reliving some nostalgia I think you'll still have some fun. It's not like, baby easy. And there were a few things that were actually kind of frustrating. For example, you can use your cell phone to call your mom, but your battery wears out. My battery ran dead but there was a puzzle I thought needed my sell phone. I was racking my brain trying to figure out how to charge my phone. It insinuates you can, and indeed it is possible... but only later on. If you are like me and kill your battery there is a entirely different way to do the same puzzle. Which is nice, but when your mind knows how to do it, but can't, it's a little frustrating. Also, there is one puzzle where you have to develop pictures. The process takes 1 minute for each of 3 steps. So, 3 minutes total. And what do you do with those 3 minutes? Wait. Literally. It makes you wait a minute each time. Almost exactly a minute too. If you try to click too early the picture doesn't develop. If you wait too long it overdevelops. So you have to try again, and wait more minutes. Not hard, just... frustrating. The last step takes 5 minutes but thank the lord it doesn't actually make you wait. It just says you wait, which is honestly what I think it should have done all along.

So I'm posting some screenshots so you can see that the graphics are pretty good. There is not a whole lot of animation, but everything has a kinda cartoony but still eerie look that reminds me of various book covers. Since the monsters are ones escaped fro the books there are plenty you should be able to recognize. There are plenty of old fan favorites, but some newer ones too. There were a few I didn't recognize but I bet if I asked my niece who reads the newer ones she'd probably know em. Playing it on a platform with achievements is fun, there are plenty to get, and a lot that have some humor. For example, I played this on Steam and I got an achievement for doing my laundry. As far as I could tell there was no in game need to do it, so I got rewarded for doing my chores. Hurray!
Plus since there are alternate ways to do things, you could probably play through it a couple times and still have fun while racking up new achievements.

Now the game costs 19.99 on steam. I beat it in about 4 hours (not trying hard to be speedy) but like I said, there is replay value. I haven't done so yet, but probably will. If you're looking to play it on PC and pick it up on steam you could probably wait for a sale and get it far cheaper. I paid about 5 bucks to get it in a bundle for other games, and it was well worth the money to get some nostalgia. It was a new experience, born out of old experiences. While it doesn't reinvent the genre, and I wouldn't call it the best point and click adventure ever. But it is a pretty good introduction to the style of game for younger players and fans of the books.  I hope they make a sequel. I could see a Horror Land themed game like this being great. Who knows, of all the Goosebumps games that exist maybe there already is one I am an aware of. So if you are curious and see it on sale, I say give it a go.

Rating: 4 out of 5 video game ghouls

Up Next

One of the books I hope! Seriously though, I'm planning to read one of the Goosebumps 2000 series ones really soon. just gotta motivate myself. Anyway, thanks for reading and catch you next time.

Goosebumps Most Wanted Special Edition #2: The 12 Screams of Christmas

Judging a Book by its Cover

It's Christmas time! And there is actually a Christmas themed Goosebumps book. I think this may be the first such thing and it was just released last year in the Goosebumps "Most Wanted" line. I actually checked this bad boy out of the library because I am adult who feels comfortable strolling into the children's section and prying a book out of the weak trembling hands of a child. Hah.

So anyway, in the back we have a very stereotypical haunted mansion looking building except it's been all decked out in Christmas lights. Rather festive if you ask me. Then we have a Santa hat wearing spook who got tangled up in his lights like he is Clark Griswold. Wait, maybe this is the Ghost of Chevy Chase from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation? One year he finally wasn't so lucky after falling off the roof, could it be? Nah, he looks a little too spooky. Like the ghost of a goth guy or something. Ghost of a vampire... Can vampires have ghosts? Like the ghost of a guy who hated Christmas but his family forced him to dress up all festively and then he hung himself with Christmas lights. There, I figured it out!

Anyway, what could this book really be about? Well obviously there is going to be a ghost. The ghost of Christmas past has already been done by Dickens. I am guessing it is the ghost of a guy who died on Christmas. Perhaps his family didn't show up to visit him and he froze to death in a blizzard? Or he seems like a Christmas ghost but is actually an alien because why the fuck not. That is something RL Stine would do.

Oh well. Let's Go. Ho ho ho.

Getting Goosebumps

Prologue: 1882. Wait, prologue? Since when have Goosebumps had prologues? Maybe that is what the "special edition"on the cover means? Anyway we start long ago. Twins Abe and Ned have stolen a red cap from their pesky little sister Flora. Ned is quite a jokester. They are like the Weasley Twins or some shit. It's near Christmas and their family has just moved into a big new house. They decide to explore the premises, and decide to go straight for the haunted shake. I'm not sure why a ghost would bother haunting a shack. Surely there is better real estate to haunt. Anyway it turns out the only thing it is haunted by is Ned joking around with a spooky voice. Oh also wasps. Hundreds of angry wasps. They manage to escape them and celebrate with what they refer to as a "Ned dance." Flora decides to join in on the fun in the safest spot available. On a well. Guess what happens. She falls in. Didn't see that coming now did ya? They try to send down the rope and bucket after her but it breaks. The prologue closes on her screaming "get me out" 12 times. Oh man, it's just like the title!

Now, to the present day! Now we focus on Kate Welles. She is trying out for the new school play. She hates Courtney because of... reasons. Also she can see ghosts. This is inconvenient as she is taking a shortcut through the cemetery. Guess what happens? She sees ghosts, just like the last time. Shocking. Now if it turns out that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time in this book I'm going to be pissed. Anyway Courtney and Co. refer to her as ghost girl because of the last time she freaked out seeing ghosts. That is probably one of the reasons she hates Courtney but she certainly didn't bring it up at the time. The ghosts are freaking her out as ghosts are wont to do. Mid freakout she is greeted by her friend Jack who is confused by her screaming. Don't your friends just randomly scream in the middle of cemeteries?

Well they go to Kate's house and she screams about there being a ghost in the house. But get this, it was a line from a play they are rehearsing. Oh RL, what a misdirection you've pulled off you rascal! They are doing a Christmas play with ghosts, like Charles Dickens... kinda. Mid rehearsal she screams because she sees a REAL GHOST that turns out to be Courtney in makeup. Naturally Kate is going up for the same part as Courtney.

So the leader of this school play is Mr. Piccolo who it is pointed out looks nothing like a piccolo. Which makes sense, because I can think of 0 human beings who at all resemble one. He begins by telling a ghost story. You see Cliff wanted nothing more than to be in a school play. He was ill but persevered to star in it. But afterwards no one could find him. After investigating it turns out he did the play AFTER HE DIED. OOOOOOO. And also he is in the audience there! Wait no, that's just Paco the light and sound guy. But it sure did get Kate embarrassed to get freaked out by it. Well Mr. P gives Kate one little task and she manages to fuck it up. He wants her to get the clipboard from his office and she gets locked inside. Eventually Jack shows up surprised to see her there. Courtney told everyone Kate went home. What a cunt. In an epic bout she battles with Courtney and they both fall down the trap door miraculously not dying. Impressive. Underneath the auditorium she gets lost and finds Paco who is actually a ghost! And there are other ghosts! And they want her to... sing. For reasons. When she tries she can't but that doesn't matter because guess what motherfuckers that was all a dream when she got knocked unconscious from the fall. Somehow, however, in this 0 tolerance world of ours neither girl was expelled. They were punished merely by having shitty roles in the play. Some disciplinarian you are Mr. P.

Part 2! Man this thing is broken up into multiple parts? CRAZY! Anyway this one is called 12 Screams. Apparently there will be screaming. 12 times. Mr. P wants them all to rehearse in an old abandoned house the town over. Because what is unreasonable about an adult man wanting to take a bunch of youths to a dark dank abandoned house away from their parents and the seeing eyes of society? I am going to go out on a limb and say this was the house from the prologue. The whole place is in a nice state of disrepair. Rotting stairs. Lack of heat. Vermin. Mold. A nice safe wholesome place for kids. Exploring the estate, Kate almost falls into a well. What is with wells enticing children to fall in them? Afterwards Mr. P rounds up all the kids and confirms that this is indeed the house from the prologue. And it turns out that since Flora's death they have been haunting the premises. Then there is a bit of a discussion about who does and does not believe in ghosts. Then a real treat, we are treated to the song from the play. In a parody of the 12 Days of Christmas they sing.

"On the first day of Christmas my true love screamed I see, a buzzard in a bare tree.
On the second day of Christmas my true love screamed I see, two haunted houses and a buzzard in a bare tree.
On the third day of Christmas my true love screamed I see, three ghostly spirits, two haunted houses, and a buzzard in a bare tree."

Beautiful. It is interrupted by the ghosts of the twins Abe and Ned. Maybe they just like spooky Christmas carols? If anyone would, it'd be ghosts I think! They finally spoke to Kate saying cryptically, "we'll be back, Flora."

That night while trying to sleep Kate heard someone whispering, "help me." Doing the only sensible thing to do in a dark dank haunted house she goes outside to see what is going on. It comes from the well and in it she can see a floating red cap. Suddenly he is startled by the reappearance of the ghost of the twins. They want her to be their little sister Flora and come home for Christmas. They seem fine with the prospect of murdering her so she can live with them forever and celebrate Christmas. They don't seem swayed by the pleas that she is not Flora. An irrelevant fact really. Luckily Mr. P comes out to see what in the hell she is doing. She wisely claims she was just getting air, as no one will believe her ghost tales.

The next day they go back to rehearsing. Mr. P demands a "crisper" performance. I don't know what "crisp" singing is. Kate has another freakout when the twin ghosts appear but naturally no one believes her. And in the world's most graceful stunt she runs from the room and right into a bookshelf knocking her unconscious. She should really be taken to the hospital at this point. Two bouts of severe head trauma in a couple days? She is probably concussed. The fact that Mr. P doesn't get her medical attention is almost as negligent as taking a bunch of kids out to a dangerous broken down old house.

Now Kate meets Ma and Pa who are glad to see their Flora finally home. They beckon her to sing Christmas carols with them, so she sings a ghastly one from the play. They don't seem to take kindly to it. She actually apologizes for offending the ghosts who want to kill her and have her live eternally as their undead sister. She apologizes repeated. Sigh. Then they pull out the worm infested corpse of Father Christmas. Lovely. Next they serve dinner. The skeleton of a turkey and a rotting dead mouse, yum yum! Then it was time for presents. They were so outraged Kate/Flora didn't get them anything that they threw her out the fucking window. Man, and I thought my family was dysfunctional around the holidays. Thankfully for Kate there was a slanting roof below the window and she was able to catch herself. But Ghosts are all floaty and incorporeal and shit so they fly out after her to continue the harassment. That is when she reasons with them. She claims she can bring Flora up from the well. Pleas are made for 2 days of preparations but the ghosts demand she do it now. Luckily she has a genius plan. In Mr. P's play based on these ghosts the girl is saved by them screaming "come up," 12 times.

Does it work? You're god damn right it works. Except Flora needs help coming up the last bit of the way. Why would a ghost need help climbing up a well? I don't rightly know, but she does ok? Kate tries with all her might but the little ghost girl is pulling her down into the well. How much could the ghost of a 6 year old girl really weigh anyway? Courtney the bitch comes to ol' Ghost Girl Kate at just the right time. Though she mocks Kate for believing in ghosts she helps her dangle down the well and pull up Flora. In thanks, the little ghosts lets Courtney see her, freaking her right the heck out. Now Courtney is the new Ghost Girl! They rehearse the play, and everything is right in the world for Kate. Except the Flora shows up and would rather live with her than her family. The end.

What I Thought

So first of all let me say that I think the idea of a Christmas Goosebumps is pretty fun. It doesn't seem obvious at first to make a spooky Christmas story but in the end I think it can work. I am honestly surprised it took him this long to do it (as far as I know this is his first one anyway.) It was also sort of nice that it didn't just use established Christmas characters. You could have just had an evil version of Santa. Or a mean Christmas elf. Or something.

Of course, as with any Goosebumps there are flaws. Firstly, why are the ghosts of the family haunting the house the same age they were when Flora died. Did they die immediately after? Did they not grow up and have lives of their own? I mean I could see the parents never getting over it... but the young twins? Why are they child ghosts? Didn't they get older, move out, get married? Did they die of grief or something? I don't get it. I mean, he could have at least said they all froze in a blizzard that year or something.

But like usual, it's hard to comment a lot on stuff you would usually comment on about books. The characters? They were exactly like every other Goosebumps character. Kate is generic preteen. Instead of playing Super Nintendo and stuff she goes onto Facebook because it is 20 years since the books of my youth. It still kind of feels like an old man writing about what he hears kids are into instead of knowing what kids are actually like. I mean for one thing you have to be 13 to be on Facebook. Kate is violating their terms of service!

When I started the book I skipped passed the page that mentioned it had a prologue. I was impressed that he broke from the norm and had a book based in the past. When it ended quickly and went to current times I was actually moderately disappointed. I mean, when it comes right down to it all these books are just too similar. Even though he does his best to vary monsters and stuff, you still just have generic stock kids that are 12 years old doing the same kind of stuff over hundreds of books. I feel like maybe it wouldn't be bad if he mixed it up a little bit.

As for the Christmasness of it? The song parodies in the play amused me, maybe for the wrong reasons. The practicing of the play and all that actually reminded me lot of the Phantom of the Auditorium. Including nonsense with the trap door. In fact I think the whole play part was maybe a little too much like that book. When it got to the abandoned house it got more interesting (if not questionable.)

It still comes down to the fact that after so many of these books for decades, he is still pulling off the same tricks. They just stop working after so long. You see the dream sequences coming. You know when it is a false scare. You know the twist at the end is coming. It can't help but not be fresh when he doesn't mix it up.

Still, even though it follows the formula pretty closely, it manages to be some festive fun.

Rating: 3/5 Festive Undead Beings

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good scare.

#48 Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns

Judging a Book by its Cover

Happy Halloween! This cover is extra Halloweenie with its 6 Jack-O'-Lantern heads. Even a little bulldog has one! As a whole it is like halfway between really cute and slightly eerie. The mysterious light behind them makes it seem more supernatural than festive but those faces though are almost all jolly rather than creepy. Honestly though, that's fine. Halloween is a fun holiday and I'm fine with the cover being more fun than scary. It has just enough spooky to make it pass. Their dark greyish attire almost makes it look like some sort of cult situation. Maybe I'm just making that connection myself. Anyway, I like the color scheme. Orange and green might have been overkill on the Halloween theme so I think the yellow works.

Now we have a couple blotches of promos on the front. Join the Goosebumps fan club! I always wanted to, but never got to. I am not sure what you even got. Probably nothing worthwhile but it felt like a cool exclusive thing I was missing out on. Also, there are Goosebumps trading cards inside! Sounds kind of cool, but they were just little flimsy cardboard things with bumpy perforated edges. I still have a few of them lingering around that I must have used for bookmarks or some such, but they really were not collectors items. I can't see anyone putting them in protected sleeves and displaying them. All they really were, were tiny images of book covers... who cares? Maybe if they were unique art it would have been interesting. Anyway, the front tagline is "Put one head in front of the other..." Ok, I get it, lets just take a cliche phrase and add something related to pumpkin heads to it. How about "A head in the hand is worth two in the bush?" Or maybe "There are plenty of pumpkins in the sea?" Oh oh oh, I got it! "Absolute pumpkin corrupts absolutely" The back sinks even deeper in terms of genericness with "pumpkin power!" I say "we're here, we're pumpkins, get used to it!"

So, can I guess the plot from the cover? Well I assume there will be people dressed with pumpkin heads who turn out to REALLY be pumpkin heads. They uhh... come out on Halloween to gather up children to bring home to their pumpkin patch? Or maybe they have magic pumpkins that turn kids to pumpkin heads like them... We'll see I guess!

Getting Goosebumps

This book stars Drew who is a female like Barrymore not a dude like Carey. She is the tiniest girl in school so people call her Elf. She is totally into Halloween but there is just one problem, her classmates Tabitha and Lee keep ruining it! Also, Lee is black. That is not particularly relevant to anything except I don't think I've noticed any black characters in Goosebumps before. Yay diversity! Also there are twins named Shane and Shana who also hate Tabitha and Lee's Halloween ruining ways.

Lets begin with a flashback shall we? Tabitha and Lee were throwing a Halloween party. Drew showed up with her friend Walker. Tabitha is dressed like a princess because she is a prissy little bitch. Drew is a Klingon because she believes in the honor of battle or whatever. She gets mistaken for a mouse so either it is a terrible costume or Tabitha is an even bigger bitch than I thought. Anyway the party is as bumpin' as a junior high party can get until two thugs break in from the basement! Mom and dad are gone, the phone line is dead, this is real trouble! The intruders force the kids down on the floor and make them do push-ups for an eternity. Strange burglars. Suddenly Drew notices that Lee and Tabitha aren't down on the floor with em. Bastards pulled a prank with Todd and Joe high schoolers from the neighborhood. Naturally the kids don't take kindly to this prank.

Shall we jump forward? Next Halloween Drew and crew want to get even. They plot to throw a revenge party to get even! What diabolical plans do they have? Covering Tabitha and Lee in pigs blood? Pushing them into an open grave? Shackling them in the basement? No, even worse! Vaguely scary props to spook them OH NO! You see they had some interesting ideas, but they were deemed unfeasible. For example the trap door in the living room wouldn't be appreciated by the parents, also might break their legs. So instead it was fake puddles of blood and green slime. Also a recording of a spooky voice. Yeah, that is way scarier than home intruders. Anyway, my doubts aside, they worked pretty hard on things. In fact they put so much effort into it that Drew didn't even come up with a costume so she had to go as the Klingon mouse again. But all the planning will be worth it once those jerks show up an- Wait is that the telephone? Oh crap, Tabitha and Lee have other plans and can't come. Even worse, the green slime burned a whole in the couch cushion! Curses!

Now it's the present. Well actually it is the mid 90s, but it is the present as far as the book is concerned. Time to get even for real. Tabitha is a princess again only this time she is a "space princess." Not Leia though, who is the only space princess that comes to mind. Lee showed up in his little brother's Superman costume. Walker and Drew were bed sheet ghosts. The plan is to catch up with Shane and Shana later. They go to the nice neighborhood to get the best candy they can. One couple loves their shitty costumes so much they get invited inside. Entering a stranger's house sounds just fine by me! It is like a billion degrees hot inside and there are lots of crying kids. But the couple wants them to stay so they can admire their costumes FOREVER. What a sticky situation. How will they get out of this one? By this whole paragraph being a fucking dream GOD DAMMIT STINE. Obviously he was short a chapter so he had to whip up a dream sequence.

Ok the real present this time, unless it is a double dream which would be a new low in Goosebumps. They are back to planning, this year they decide no parties so Lee and Tabby can't cancel. Shane and Shana have plan that they don't fill me the reader in on, but apparently is a doozy. Only problem, it involves trick or treating and Drew's mom doesn't want to let her go because 4 fat adults have gone missing. Yes, they specified fat. So I am assuming whatever the monster is, is going to be a people eater. Or a serial killer that hates fat people, but that doesn't seem Goosebumps style. Well mom said she can't trick or treat, how is she going to get out of this situation? By dad saying it's ok. Now remember kids, moms defer to dads when it comes to the safety of their children LIKE IT SHOULD BE (direct hate-mail to Bob Bobbington 555 5th Street, Frankenstein, MO 55555)

Anywho, the plan is to meet Tabby and Lee that night to trick or treat. Dad throws a hitch in the plans by demanding to take a picture of Drew then having multiple technical difficulties. Walker alters the plan by showing up to get her, which saves her but makes them in danger of missing out on Tabby and Lee. When they get to the spot to wait, they hear some animal growling and are attacked by... the douche bag high schoolers from the party a few years ago! Haven't they graduated yet? Anyway, they ditch the younger kids to go scare some more. Drew and Co. decide to start trick or treating without Shane and Shana who have yet to show up. Things are going pretty well for awhile. Mostly candy, only one house gave out apples. Suddenly RKO OUT OF NOWHERE! Ehh, I mean PUMPKIN HEADS OUT OF NOWHERE! Tabitha the Ballerina and Lee the Bee (hey that rhymes) are convinced it's Shane and Shana but the costume is pretty convincing. I mean... there is like, fire coming from the eyes. That seems like a pretty cool special effect for some tweens to pull off...

The pumpkins demand in strange voices to start trick or treating in a new neighborhood. They seem very insistent passing many good houses to get there. They lead the group through the woods. Tabby and Lee seem upset that their costumes are getting ruined but apparently aren't angry enough to not follow. Thankfully they were all rewarded with an awesome neighborhood to get treats. Everyone has their lights on and gives out good stuff. Their bags fill quickly and the gang is all tired but the pumpkin heads wont let them. Keep trick or treating! Trick or treat forever! They demand. Things are started to get genuinely weird. In fact, Drew herself is now convinced that this isn't Shane and Shana! Lee and Tabby are unconvinced until the creatures remove their own pumpkin heads and there is nothing beneath. No human heads or any other kind of head for that matter. They try to escape but the pumpkin heads are too quick! They are trapped. There is only one thing left to do... keep trick or treating. They plead with the owners of the next house to help them but of course they think it's just a Halloween prank. More houses, more houses! The kids complain their treat bags are full, well the pumpkin heads have a solution. Start eating! Quickly they get sick gorging themselves on sweets but the pumpkin heads don't give a crap. Time to start trick or treating again! You see this is a special neighborhood, they'll never stop giving out candy.

How can this possibly get any worse? I suppose if there were more pumpkin heads, that would be worse. Guess what happens? The next house they go to has another pumpkin head! More and more houses, more and more pumpkin heads. Finally, the kids have had enough. They flat out refuse to carry on. The pumpkin heads responded by shrieking and shooting flames out their eyes. Then their fellow pumpkin heads started coming out from their houses. They circled the youths, chanting, "trick or treat, trick or treat!" 4 extra pumpkin heads appeared in their hands. Heads for the children. Lee and Tabby try to escape but get their heads pumpkin'd for their troubles. Walker and Drew plead for help, and then burst out laughing. Wait, laughing? Two of the pumpkin heads morphed into Shane and Shana. They finally managed to scare Lee and Tabitha and all it took was Shane and Shana being shape shifting aliens... Apparently the concept of using their shape shifting abilities to scare their classmates took several years to come to fruition. You'd think they could whip up something spooky in no time with those powers. Anyway, yadda yadda yadda, they are aliens, yadda yadda yadda they don't eat candy, yadda yadda yadda wait, what do they eat? yadda yadda yadda fat people yadda yadda yadda no need to worry you're still kids, don't worry for now.

The end.

What I Thought

This festive little Goosebumps entry was a bit unique for the series. How so? Well the first 3rd of the book was flash backs to previous years. This little turn on things actually worked out pretty well. We quickly see what jerks Tabitha and Lee are. We feel the disappointment at the failed plans to get revenge. First person narrative works well for this kind of thing. Much better for this part than for the rest of the book actually.

Halloween is an obvious prime subject for Goosebumps. It's a wonder he didn't overdo it and have more books based around it. Of course I suppose any Goosebumps book is suitable for Halloween so you don't necessarily have to focus around the actual holiday all the time. But it works. RL Stine actually kinda sounds like a kid in this book, rather than an adult writing about kids. The plans for revenge they come up with all sound kind of childish and half baked. Kids are heading out with half-assed costumed because they just want candy (or revenge) just like they really would. They praise the houses with candy bars, they curse the houses with apples. It feels pretty convincing.

There is however one huge problem I have with this book. It's the first person narrative. Drew is going on about how scared she is, how she doesn't think it is really Shane and Shana. This is a probably because she is not saying it to the other kids, she is thinking it and sharing it with the reader. It means one of two things. She could actually be scared and convinced of these things, but that doesn't make sense because at the end she seems to find their prank hilarious immediately and talk about having planned this with the alien twins ahead of time. The other possibility is that she is just flat out lying to the reader in her narration and that is just shitty. This could be solved a few ways. Firstly like I said, have her say these things to the kids. I can believe she would lie to them to be convincing. But when she tells us this is what she is thinking it just ruins everything. Secondly, she could actually not know. Sure it could still wind up being Shane and Shana but if Drew didn't know they were aliens this would also make sense.

Those flaws are a shame because otherwise it is a pretty good book. It takes something kids love like Halloween and candy, and makes it forced, makes it excessive. It is one of those too much of a good thing punishments. Like The Simpons episode where Homer goes to hell and is forced to eat endless donuts. Of course Homer ends of enjoying it... Anyway, it takes something kids love and turns it into something they hate. They can't go on trick or treating, it's hurting them. They can't keep eating candy, it's making them sick. It takes something as jolly and festive as a jack-o'-lantern and makes it creepy.

So do the flaws ruin the book? I don't know. I am sure 9 year olds wouldn't give a crap. They'd just get to the twist and be like "oh man, didn't see that coming!" and move on. But when you are a crotchety old man these things bugs you more. Yes I am the kind of guy who looks for consistency out of his Goosebumps, DEAL WITH IT!

Basically, in summation this is festive fun. Unlike horror that takes the scary side of Halloween and and amps it up or focuses on it, it takes the fun side like candy and makes them the horror. But, it is marred a bit by Stine forcing in a twist at the end that just doesn't fit. He should have thought about how Drew was in on the joke when he was writing. There are things he could have done to tread the line between convincing performance on her part and her being in on the prank.  Still though. I enjoyed it.

Rating: 3 out of 5 pumpkin heads

Up Next

Well I hope this contributed to a Happy Halloween. I did several books in October so I might slow down for a bit. I have plenty of books I can go to next though. There are still have several from my original childhood stash left to get to. I have some newer ones I can get to too, both Goosebumps 2000 and Goosebumps HorrorLand. I even have a book that seems to be a short biography on RL Stine that could be interesting. I think I'm leaning towards Goosebumps 2000 because I don't think I've read any of that particular series yet. Anyway, have a good Holiday!

Goosebumps the Movie

Goosebumps started in 1992. Since then it has seen countless incarnations from the original book series to its many newer series. But not just books, there have been board games, computer games, tv shows, fast food toy tie ins, calendars, stickers, comics and more. Yet even as well as all these things have sold it has never had a movie... until now! Really it is a wonder that it took so long to happen. I can't help but feel like the heyday of Goosebumps was in my youth but here it is, going strong all these years later.

So naturally, I saw the movie. I have started sharing my Goosebumps books with my 9 year old niece and she really wanted to see the movie and I was curious. I had seen some of the old episodes on tv but this has years of CGI advancement and a big movie budget. Plus it was in 3D... which honestly isn't a huge draw for me, but my niece really loves it.

Well I'm not going to go quite as into depth as I do for my books and I'm not going to try and give everything away but there may be some minor spoilers. Usually I don't put a spoiler warning because the books are 20 years old, but this just came out so maybe it'll bug people.

Anyway, the basic premise is this, a teenage boy whose name I have already forgotten and his mom have just moved to a new town. Naturally they have a creepy neighbor, played by Jack Black who seems pretty upset by the boy consorting with his daughter and coming near his property. Well, and this shouldn't be spoilers if you have seen the trailers and such, the neighbor turns out to be none other than RL Stine. Also, the books he wrote can unleash the monsters he wrote about into the real world. Why if one escaped, it'd be madness! Ultra-unfortunately they ALL escape, and they must try to save their city from utter destruction.

So rather than being based an any specific Goosebumps book, it has the monsters from all of them. I think this was a wise choice. Goosebumps are pretty short books and I don't think they are deep enough to stretch out into an hour and a half of a movie. The only except I can think of, is if you did one on Horror Land and based it on it loosely. If you read this blog you'll know I have long praised the possibilities present in a creepy haunted amusement park.

Anyway, I digress. This big CGI Jack Black Movie, does it really feel like a Goosebumps movie? Yeah, kinda. It has plenty of halmarks of the series you'd expect. There are fake scares, people being startled by a hand grabbing them from behind. The main character is generic and relate-able. There is a younger friend named Champ who is more of your typical scared awkward kid. Honestly I thought he was probably the funniest part. Also there are a couple trademark twists that I wont get into.

But is it good? Yeah, pretty good! It mixes humor and "horror" (kid horror anyway) pretty well. For example, the first monster we see is the large and genuinely pretty scary Abominable Snowman of Pasadena. A big angry monster anyone would be afraid of. But then, we are treated to the Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes. A much sillier "monster." That takes the seriousness away. It continues on like that with some monsters being generally scary and some being more silly. A good mix. Plus there are fun little jabs that kids may not appreciate. There are some Stephen King jokes. RL Stine the character is pretty defensive of his place in the pantheon of writers. And Jack Black plays a pretty good weirdo. The problem of course is, that I see him as "Jack Black as RL Stine" and not as RL Stine. I can't help but see him as also the guy who is Nacho Libre and Shallow Hal, and not just as the character he is currently playing.

One difference I noticed that may be minor is that the kid characters were high school Aged, probably like 15-16 rather than jr. high aged 11-14. It's small but I think it makes a difference. It is probably wise though, as the slightly older actors are probably better at acting and also I think a wider range of audiences can appreciate a high school setting. It seems more universal and memorable than middle school.

Also, much like Goosebumps there are plenty of logic problems you are probably best ignoring. For example, if RL Stine knows his books can bring monsters to life why not destroy the books? He knows they are a probably, he and his daughter apparently have to move a lot to outrun talk of the problems they have caused. Also, spoiler, the books have this power because of a special typewriter he uses. So... why keep using this typewriter? Why not use a regular old type writer so you don't accidentally unleash horrors on the world? Better yet, use a computer! They are great! You can use different fonts, you can save, copy, paste. Plus there is always porn to look at while you have writers block. The typewriter itself is kind of a problem. Apparently it can't bring just anything to life. It has to be like a "real" Goosebumps book with twist and turns and yadda yadda. How does the typewriter judge? Has he ever written books that the typewriter wouldn't bring to life because they sucked too much? But like the book, these questions are best unasked.

Anyway, really, it's a pretty fast paced movie. It gets into the action pretty quick, but has a bit of heart behind it. There is a bit of a romantic angle that usually isn't present in the books because they skew younger. It fits in with the movie as it's based in high school. It's fun to see so many of the Goosebumps monsters I remember as a kid all rampaging around, but a few tend to be too generic. For example there are Graveyard Ghouls which are just zombies which are everywhere these days. But the giant mantis is a nice touch! The screen his filled with quirky characters like his friend champ, and the main character's aunt who has a thing for Mr. Stine. It's thrilling, it's funny, the acting is decent. It's just enough like Goosebumps to be familiar, but different enough to be a good movie that should appeal to most people.

Rating: 4 out of 5 Jack Blacks

Give Yourself Goosebumps #16 Secret Agent Grandma

Judging a Book by its Cover

First impressions? This cover is not so...uh... good. The quality just seems poor compared to the illustrations from the main series. I wondered why this was and then noticed that the signature for the book is for "Nagata" where as those in the main series of Goosebumps are all done by a "T. Jacobus." I guess this Nagata just isn't as good? I mean, I like the concept of a gross alien monster thing popping out of a Grandma suit but it just looks bad. I suppose it could look crumby because it's a disguise so the human part looks bad but like... the feet look off. It just doesn't look right. Though really it's not like the alien looks much better. The mouth is kinda coming out at an angle but it looks like the head is sort of looking the other way? And the tongue is just sort of sticking out to the side like Miley Cyrus or something? It seems like it should be going out, not to the side. I'm no artist, I feel like a bit of a dick for criticizing it but it really doesn't seem to be up to Goosebumps standards. Basically I give it a B+ for concept and a D for execution.

There is no front tagline for these books. It just lets us know that there are over 20 scary endings and that you should watch the Goosebumps TV Show. On the back it says "Will the real grandma please stay alive!" I assume it is based on "Will the real ______ please stand up" which may be best recognized by people in my generation as a line from a Eminem song but I am pretty sure was originated on an old game show from the 50s called To Tell the Truth. I feel like A) it's not a strong enough line to go on and 2) It deviates too much from its source (assuming that is the source.) If it would have made sense to say "will the real grandma please stand up?" I think it would work, but the changes hurt it.

Anyway, I'm doing this one special for October, the spookiest month. This is a "Give Yourself Goosebumps" book, so unlike the regular series this one gives you options every so often that you can have multiple stories from 1 book. I'm not going to go through all 20ish possible endings, that would take forever. I'm just going to read it a couple times taking different options and see where that takes me. Hopefully it's interesting!

Getting Goosebumps

Attempt 1

My parents are leaving for the weekend and have instructed me to take a cab to the train station to meet my quirky 75 year old grandmother. When I get there a call for your comes over the loudspeaker for me. There is a call for me but it keeps breaking up so it's hard to tell. I did make out the words "home immediately" and "danger grandmother." Is granny in danger? Do I go home? Do I try and find her?

GRANNY! I'M COMING! Naturally I'm going to try and find her. A train comes into the station and I"m on the look out for her distinctive yellow pants and purple shirt like on the shitty cover. Suddenly my friends Chuck and Ginny show up. They are off to a hockey games, and I gotta waste my time trying to find my grandmother, oh man. Just then I hear a sound that makes me blood run cold. The sound of my dearest grandmama calling me "Cookie." But wait, what's this? A message scrawled on the train window. It says "Empleh empleh" which is helpme helpme spelled backwards! Then there is a woman who looks just like Grandma inside being accosted by two men in trench coats. Do I try and rescue the possible grandma on the train or do I go with the one who greeted me?

Well I'm pretty sure I know my grandma! And she is the one who greeted me and called me Cookie. We get into the cab and while I'm talking about myself she demands to know about the rose garden. It turns out that she used to live there and planted the eggs herself. Wait, did she say eggs? She must have meant seeds, how silly. She planted them by the light of shooting stars... which seems slightly odd. She seems really intent on seeing them though. We get to the house and the cabbie tries getting the bags out but he is having trouble lifting them. Odd, an old lady carried them just fine. I wonder what is in them? Should I check?

Nah, I'm no snoop! Grandma still seems excited by the flowers. You know, it seems strange, this year they are all over and in some funny colors. Oh hey, some of my other friends are here. Grandma seems interested in seeing them but first she has to freshen up. So I go inside and have some brownies. There is a newspaper article about a meteor shower tonight. Turns out one landed in my yard 15 years ago! Weird. We decide to go look and see if we can find any meteor fragments but grandma is out there. She isn't in her yellow and purple number either, she is in a silver jumpsuit. Seems odd... should I spy on her?

That seems unnecessary I'll just introduce her to my friends. The flowers seem really strange here. There is a green rose and I think it has eyes! And now tendrils are wrapping around me! It spits goo in my eyes. Now I don't have feet, I have roots! Wait what, seriously? That seems rather quick. Oh well. Apparently I am becoming a plant. Meanwhile granny is reciting poetry. What is she saying? "Roses are red, violets are blue, what you didn't know is the rose would be you!" Oh bother. Oh well, Guess I'm a plant now. That's what I get for trusting my grandmother!

Attempt 2

Blah blah parents gone blah blah train station blah blah phone call. This time however, instead of going to find my grandmother I am just gonna get the hell out of there! I run away and fall into a gross mess a garbage truck left behind. Crap.

Attempt 3

Yadda yadda pick up grandma yadda yadda train station blah blah ok I going to find my grandma this time. My real not turn me into a flower grandma. So I see the "empleh" message and see "other grandma" being attacked by men on a train. This time I'm going to jump on the train to save my REAL grandma dammit! I could look for help, but there is no time GRANNY IS IN TROUBLE! But before I can get to the rescue a train employee demands to see my ticket. I could explain why I'm hitching a ride but adults just don't understand these things.

Well then, I guess it is time to stall. Thankfully my friends Chuck and Ginny show up and bail me out. They claim I am with them and their mom will pay for my ticket when we get to the next station. Then I fill my friends in on my grandma. We go into a car that has a no entry sign. My grandma is tied up in there? But she seems unresponsive! Thankfully she is breathing though. There is a weird orange force-field around here. When Chuck checks it out he gets through back. Heh heh, "Chuck checks", that sounds funny. Anyway we all hide as the door slides open. It's the thugs, but they aren't thugs, they're a rock LOBSTER, Dun dun, dun dun, da da dada daaaaaaa ROCK LOBSTER. Ahem, I mean they are weird lizard monster people. We could try overpowering them...

I think we have a better chance if we wait for them to leave and then try to rescue grandma. The door opens again and in attempts to get a better view I knock over a mirror. Oops! Thankfully they seem to have left so no one heard. In a brilliant plan, we try to use the mirror to disable the force-field. But the lizard-man thugs are back! We'd better hurry. The mirror deflects the force-field beam into the thugs, disabling them! We need to escape with grandma! Escaping, we peep into the window of the next car and it is filled with thugs in over coats! And they have those creepy eyes! They know we are here! We could leap from the train but that seems dangerous...

Lets try waking up Grandma. Not only does she wake up but she informs us she is a secret agent tracking the "Mithra-Dithra" aliens. One must have impersonated her! And she has an assignment for us if we dare. Do we? You're god damned right we do! She is going to go after the impostor and she needs us to track the aliens on the train. What a responsible grandma, sending her grandchild after dangerous aliens. Only, turns out they aren't so dangerous. We show up in costume but all the aliens are doing is having a meeting to discuss galactic parking regulations and taxes. Oh well, at least I didn't turn into a plant.

What I Thought

It's hard to judge these books. They are inherently kind of unsatisfying. They boast over 20 endings, but 90% of them are lame. Still, Goosebumps lends itself fairly well to this style. They usually have cliffhangers every chapter so having one with every time you have to make a choice doesn't feel unusual. Also it feels like it gives him a chance to be really weird without having to worry about how good the plot is. You don't really need much of a plot, just twists and turns and boy does Stine like twists.

The other two books I've read from the Give Yourself Goosebumps line were Carnival of Horrors and Tick Tock your Dead. A horrifying amusement park, and time travel open up so many possibilities. Picking up your grandma on the other hand seems more limited. Sure it was taken in weird directions but it felt more like a stretch. It doesn't feel like it had the natural plethora of possibilities that come from a the better premises of those earlier books. That being said, the concept of your Grandma being anything other than a boring nice old lady is intriguing. Alien, secret agent, who knew Grandma got around so much!

Naturally, the longer the plot goes on the more satisfying the book feels. Having an abrupt end like in attempt 2 is nothing but disappointment. Of course as a kid I am sure I read until I got the best ending or maybe even read every single ending. As an adult I am sort of tempted to just read through once and let it be. I suppose reading it a couple times and leaving it at that is a nice compromise.

Basically, I'd just rather read 1 book with a decent plot rather than a book with 20 weak plots. It does give a chance for lots of twists, but it's ultimately unsatisfying. Still, as a diversion from the main series it's alright. I just don't think when people my age look fondly back at Goosebumps "Secret Agent Grandma" is one that is going to stand out in most people's mind.

Rating: 2 out of 5 grandmas

 

Up Next

There are 2 more things I want to cover in October, the spookiest month of the year. Firstly, I have seen the Goosebumps Movie starring Jack Black and while I won't do a total in depth coverage of it like I do for the books, I would like to do an entry talking about it. Also, I want to read a Goosebumps book especially for Halloween. Will I be motivated enough to do it? Maybe! Happy October everyone!