Choose Your Own Adventure #71 - Space Vampire

What's Going on?

Almost a year ago I was going to make an April Fool's entry where I pretended I was going to change this blog to a Choose Your Adventure blog. I wrote up most of the entry, and then just never finished it. Why'd that happen? Laziness? Pandemic induced ennui? Who can say. All I know is that the draft of this sat there for a long ass time. By the time I finally got around to updating this blog, I felt the need to "start fresh" with a Goosebumps entry. Still, I spent time writing and reading for this, it needn't go to waste. So here it is. My entry for Choose Your Own Adventure #71 - Space Vampire, right in time for Halloween.

Choosing My Adventure

I'm not going to read every single story line until I get all of the over 24 endings in this. Like times past when I have done this style of book I will give it 3 attempts to get the "good" ending. If I die 3 quick times well... then that's just a bummer isn't it?

Attempt 1

To begin with I am briefed about the usual nature of the book, that you don't read it in a linear page by page fashion. I'm already aware of this but there is also a warning. The space vampire, it would seem, has extraordinary powers and a terrifying appetite.  I will heed this warning!

In an interesting turn of events Space Force is real. Who knew Donald Trump stole his idea from a book in 1987? Not only is it real, but I am about to graduate from their academy on Mars. Dope. My communicator goes off, I'm needed immediately! I hustle through various hi-tech security protocol to the office of Jason Neff who appears to be some sort of... space Dumbledore. He declares that I, who have the cool code name of Osprey, am graduating first in my glass. Hell yeah, I'm the best. It turns out that my credentials as the best is going to be put to the test immediately. Am I to stop an alien invasion from the Canopians? No sir, the problem we're facing is.. SPACE VAMPIRES. You see Vampires are weak on Earth what with all the Sunlight and such. Deeper in space though? Not a problem. A space vampire has gotten aboard a transport ship and is killing a passenger each night. If I can't stop this vampire there may be a whole invasion of them! I don't have to take this mission though. If I want to pass it up, I can be on my way to Barnard's Star to see if it is suitable for colonization.

Listen this book is called SPACE VAMPIRES, of course I'm going to take the space vampire mission. For breakfast the cook hands me some garlic to improve the taste of my future space food. Can't imagine how that will come in to play, eh? Then its off into space and immediately into trouble. A Canopian attack vessel intercepts us and Captain Rick Field asks for my input. I can suggest we outrun them, or tell him to attack.

Let's attack these assholes. Or not. Rick Field doesn't give a fuck about my input. He thinks getting the space vampires is more important than destroying an immediate alien threat. Just like that I'm shooting pool at an officer's club waiting for reassignment. One decision and I'm already on the outs! I could maybe go after the vampire on my own though. The computer system still thinks I have security clearance. Ahead of me is a hangar hosting a very top secret special unique awesome spaceship. I could maybe borrow it to go eradicate the space vampire menace.... or I could play by the rules.

You don't kill space vampires by playing it safe. Let's commandeer this vessel an get to vampire murderin'. I start the process of "borrowing it" but the guys in the hangar seem to realize I don't belong. There are sirens and guard robots. It's close but I get my ass out of there unscathed and am on my way to the vampire infested transport ship. I consult the space computer about how to go  and kill Spaceferatu and it highlights some pointers. Sunlight will do the trick. They can be captured with force field generators which I happen to have. They also recommend back up. I could call my friend Steve to come out a'vampire huntin' with me or I could go it alone.

The more the merrier when it comes to killing vamps I say.  I invite Steve-o along but security forces are there! Has he ratted me out or did they intercept my message. My options are to surrender, to escape, or to "think of something else."

I'm going to escape. I've got the best spaceship in the fleet, I can handle a nice running away. Or at least I could if they didn't have override codes for my secret stolen spaceship. All I can do is wait for Space Force to come and arrest me. Damn you Donald Trump!

The end.

Attempt 2

Ok, graduating head of the class, accepting the mission to kill space Dracula, intercepted by Canopian alien attack ship... but this time I'm going to tell the captain we should flee!

Flee we do indeed. We are able to get to the transport with the Vampire on it. Each night it kills a victim... What the hell does night and day matter in a space ship? Unless you're rotating on a planet night and day don't even really exist! Someone suggests we fire on the ship because they are an idiot and don't want any survivors at all. The captain asks for any DECENT input. I could tell him we should board the ship, or to wait until it lands on Earth.



Wait until it lands on Earth? That's dumb! Then we'll have vampires on Earth! No, we are gonna board the ship. The captain agrees and suggests using human bait... What an asshole. Do I volunteer to be bait or not?

Sure why the hell not, go big or go home I say. (and that worked so well for me last time when I stole a space ship)  My mission is to lay there helplessly and let a vampire go in for the kill. My shipmates will catch him in a force field while he is overcome with bloodlust. I didn't know this plan was quite this shitty when I volunteered but no backing out now I guess.  I get into bay... wait... and... holy shit it worked. We captured the vampire. Now the only problem is getting him to sunlight. I am ordered to watch over him and shoot him with a stun gun if he starts to escape. I gotta be the bait AND his watcher. Graduating first in your class sucks. While watching over him I yearn to talk to him. I could learn so much about vampires. Should I strike up a conversation?

Hell no. This tricky vampire scum is gonna die and I won't be fooled into feeling pity. I stand watch until arrive near enough the sun to do him in. His spirit is broken, and in the full sunlight he shrivels to nothing. The book suggests I feel a little sad about what I've done as if I've "killed a magnificent tiger." Once again I say hell no. This vampire scum is dead and won't be preying on earthlings anymore. This book may try to steal victory away from me, but I won't accept it. Mission fucking accomplished, vampire fucking dead.

Attempt 3

Well even though I succeeded in killing the vampire I did say I would attempt this 3 times and there are at least 22 more endings so lets get at it. This time instead of accepting the mission to kill the space vampire I'm going to go on the mission to evaluate Barnard's Star for colonization. Weeks away on a scout ship, the mission turns out pretty boring. I could take my job seriously and pay close attention...or I could go for a nap...

A little nap never hurt anyone says I. Maybe I as wrong though. I slept 3 hours and no one came to relieve me of my shift. Turns out no one did so because they'd all been killed by a vampire. Oops! Sorry bros, my bad. The vampire confronts me and demands I set course for the space vampire home world. He wants to tell his fellow vampires how delicious human blood is. I have to play along, but where should I send the ship? I could start heading to Akbar, the vampire home world, or start flying to the Sun.



Well the sun kills vampires so sunward ho I go. Vampy notices pretty quickly that we're heading to the sun and he is not a real fan of that idea. I accelerate to throw him off balance. By the time he attacks you again we are in range of the sun. He disintegrates and I manage to get ship off course of the sun and heading towards earth in the nick of time. They'll be so glad I killed a space vampire that they probably won't even mind that all my crewmates are dead.....

What I Thought

Outer space is perhaps not what one first thinks of when they think of the horror genre, but it's a natural fit. Sci-fi is all about the unknown, and what is scarier than that? There are countless movies about all sorts of crazy aliens attacking. One of the best known movies Alien itself is fundamentally a horror movie with an alien villain, so this premise is not a huge stretch.

One of the problems however, is that space is about the UNKNOWN and part of the appeal of aliens are so foreign. These aliens however, are just straight up regular vampires. Every little kid knows what a stereotypical vampire looks like. Heck, they have a vampire on sesame street! Using an established trope like a standard vampire for a space story while silly and fun, also kind of robs you have having a unique and interesting alien type. That is half the fun of aliens.

The setting of space can be interesting and isolating. I also feel like kids this age often go through "space" phases, where they learn all about the solar system, so it works from that angle, but they are kind of dumb about space. For example talking about day vs night for vampires, where that doesn't really apply in space without rotation and orbit. It's probably a lot to ask for a smart take on sunlight in space versus vampires in a cheap kids book, but it would have been nice.

Ultimately this book sort of just is what it is... the 71st entry in a cheap pulp series for kids. It's silly, it's fun, it's a bit stupid. No doubt dedicated kids who got this far into the series would enjoy it. Kids who love vampires and/or space would probably enjoy it too. Unless you are super dedicated to Choose Your Adventures I would probably pass on this. If you wanted to check it out though it's quick to thumb through a few attempts. I guess all in it doesn't convince me to switch from Give Yourself Goosebumps as a series.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Space Vampires

What's Next

I've been very inactive on this blog until recently, and I'd really wish I could promise I'll be way more active in the future but I'm not sure that is a promise I can keep. Still, I would very much like to not take another year to update like happened previously. There is a small chance I will get one more update here before 2022. If not, then hopefully soon after New Years I can get an update in. We shall see. Likely it'll be a mainline original Goosebumps book. Hope to see you then, thanks for reading.

It Came From the Cafeteria

Intro

Happy Easter. Or unhappy Easter for some of you. You may not like what I have to say. So I've been reviewing Goosebumps books for quite awhile now and they are sort of starting to feel all the same. I took a look at my collection and I found tucked away another book. A book that isn't Goosebumps. A book that is... Better. That book is It Came From the Cafeteria by Peter Lerangis. And you know what? I don't think I'm ever going to review another Goosebumps book again!

Judging a Book By Its Cover

Look at this beauty. No need for a "scary" font. No oozy borders. No trying to sell you on other products like a TV Show or a special edition calendar in little blurbs. Nope. None of that. What we have is the bold title in red, and the illustration letting us know what this is all about.

It Came From the Cafeteria. What did? Well just look at it. Slimy green feet. Goosebumps covers may try to scare you with piercing eyes or a grasping hand. This book knows the scariest part of any monster is the feet.

And how scared are these kids? Very, is the correct answer. Look at that girl doing the "Macauly Culkin" from Home Alone. Does she look more confused than scared? Maybe. But who wouldn't be confused by slimy green feet in the class room?

Will this be the book that puts me off of Goosebumps forever? Let's find out.

Getting Goosebumps Reading the Book

You know how around chapter 8 or 9 in Goosebumps R.L. Stine likes to use a phrase like "he tried to scream but no sound came out?" Well Peter Lerangis does not fuck around. This happens in the very first paragraph of the book. He makes R.L. Stine look like an amateur. Who is doing this attempted screaming? Ethan Katz. Ethan Katz is at the very beginning of the Universe. The big bang. It's a little bit scary. It's even scarier when his teacher wakes him up and tries grilling him on the big bang theory that they've been discussing in class. You see Ethan Katz is a very average kid. However, the other students of Eulenspiegel Middle School for Math and Science are far from average. In fact, they are pretty much geniuses.

First there is Hardy. He is a poet, and the sole member of heavy metal band Smashed Brains. He is also what the British would refer to as "a bit of a wanker." He explains the big bang theory in slam poetry style. Wanker.

Then there is Cecilia. Not only is she brilliant for her age, but Ethan also has a bit of a crush on her. Of course she'd never like a regular kid like Ethan... right? She explains the big bang theory a bit less artistically. Ethan doesn't really understand it.

The teacher goes on to explain the primordial soup. Ethan can't quite believe people came from soup. Ethan may not be average. Ethan may be a bit of a simpleton. In the middle of this lecture he gets passed a note from Hardy to give to Cecilia professing his love in a ... uhh... lovely poem. Of course the teacher gets it and reads it aloud. Cecilia, naturally, believes the affection comes from Ethan. During the resulting conversation we learn a few things. Firstly that the city was built on a nuclear waste site. Second, Ethan has a younger brother named after the hobbit from Lord of the Rings. Thirdly, Cecilia likes horrible poetry. And lastly, there are weird 2 headed grasshoppers around. A result of the nuclear waste? You be the judge!

The Next day Hardy who has a bit of an ego problem strikes up a convo with Ethan. He is drawn to Ethan's normalcy. In exchange for tutoring, Ethan promises to teach Hardy about normal kids. Lesson one, things that are neat are "cool" not "cold."

Now we are off to the eco bubble! What is that you ask? Well the 8th grade students built an environment to recreate the primordial soup. Jeeze, my 8th grade class just dissected a worm. Anyway, the 7th grade class is there to observe. There he meets a strange red headed girl named Philomena, or Phil for short. She begins the conversation the way most conversations go, by telling Ethan about her time machine in the boys bathroom.

So at the eco bubble Ethan sees some scary plants. Hardy finds this hilarious. Scared? By plants? Hah. He recites some shitty poetry about it. Next he tells Cecilia that he, not Ethan, wrote tha tshitty love poem. Ethan finds a unique way to mock the poet extraordinaire. He demonstrates the ingredients to a poem via dangerous chemicals from the lab. The result? A horrible smelling concoction that gets him kicked out of class.

He decides to dump it out in the bathroom. There he discovers Phil and her toilet wormhole. This is great stuff. The length of the flush determines how far back in time you go. Brilliant. Ultimately he decides not to dump it in the toilet. It's against the rules.

But where can he dump it? In Hardy's locker? That would be delightful and smelly! Bad timing though. Hardy just showed up. Bummer.

In the cafeteria the lunch lady is serving spinach-garlic-garbanzo bean casserole. The kids are all mortified by this, except of course for Hardy. Hardy does some embarassing of Ethan in front of his crush. There is only one thing Ethan can do... Dump his smelly, possibly deadly concoction into Hardy's casserole. Ultimately Hardy decides to dump it back in with the rest of the food. Oh no, everything is contaminated! Well what is the worst that could happen...

Update: the worst that could happen is that the spinach-garlic-garbanzo bean casserole comes alive! Or at the very least oozing across the floor and bubbling out of the pans! Thankfully they get the situation under control and decide to put this stinky mess into the incinerator. PROBLEM SOLVED. Plus school gets dismissed. Everything great.

After school Phil has set up things for Ethan to move forward with his crush. He meets Cecilia and thanks to Phil's smoothing things out it goes well... UNTIL THE PRIMORDIAL SOUP-SPINACH-GARLIC-GARBANZO BEAN SALAD BURSTS FROM THE DUMPSTER. Oh. Wait. It's Hardy. But that's strange, the dumpster was full of the gross goo when school let out.

Then the eco bubble explodes. Unexpected! Ethan knows this is their lunch's fault but no one believes him. They call the cops but soon learn a harsh life lesson: the cops are no help. In fact the police believe the kids are to blame for the damages. Pigs!

The cops aren't the only ones to blame them. The next day at school Ethan gets hauled into the principals office. Thankfully Phil is there to act as his attorney otherwise Hardy's accusations that Ethan is the culprit would go unanswered. While his lawyer was arguing out points of policy with the principal, the slimy lunch monster dropped out of the ducts in front of Ethan. It appears to have a least basic intelligence because it starts trying to mimic the boys speech patterns. Ethan runs out of the room and the principal notices a horrible smell. School is going to have to be canceled again. Back to the room they go, yet all that remains is a broken bowling trophy from his interaction with the casserole.

While the principal weeps the kids find traces of the beast and vow to handle things themselves. It seems this all leads back to the basement. The basement inconveniently seems to be locked and the elevator broken. Using common courtesy they simple knock on their door. To everyone's surprise they get a response. Yes indeed, it is the spinach-garbanzo-whatever monster. It seems to talk pretty well now. As it closes in on them it seems to be sucking the smarts from their beings. Phil is reciting algebra. Ethan, doesn't seem to have enough brains to be properly hindered.

They flee as best they can and make it all the way to the boy's room. The lunch monstrosity backs them up into a stall. Cowering, Ethan makes contact with the flusher. It just so happens the stall he is in contains Phil's time traveling toilet. They went back in time to yesterday before Ethan poured his mysterious chemical compound into that awful cafeteria food. In fact the test tube is still in his pocket. But they remembered everything that happened... Is that how time travel really works? I am not actually sure. I guess maybe a time machine based on a worm hole localized in a toilet may have wonky physics. I am not going to scrutinize.

Ultimately they decide the way to get rid of his concoction without doing damage is to burn the contest. There is a vent in the science lab that harmless distributes the smoke of it outside. Things didn't turn out too badly for ol' Ethan. Hardy proved himself to be a bumbling coward during their encounter. He made a true and loyal friend out of Phil. Plus, Cecilia even asked him out! I mean, Phil and Hardy were coming too but I say it counts. Of course they need make it to the mall before it starts raining out too hard... Hey... why is the rain green!

The End!

What I Thought

How is this better than Goosebumps? Let me count the ways! No seriously, this book blows anything R.L. Stine has done out of the water. It's got character, and quirk. It's got a sense of humor and is original. It's... Good!

First lets talk about the characters. They actually have personalities. In Goosebumps you basically get 3 character types. There is the "generic tween" the "scaredy cat" and the "likes to play pranks and scare people kid."

Now Ethan could certainly be called the generic tween of the book, but the way he is used is different. In Goosebumps he would merely be the subject of repeated jump scares for 25 chapters straight. However, the author here uses him as what is known as a "straight man." He is regular to highlight just how crazy everything and everyone is around him

For example, Hardy. Hardy seems all the more kooky because he has Ethan to play off of. Hardy has an ego, and is insufferable. He always speaks in poems and raps and acts like he knows everything but doesn't even know simple slang. Ethan serves as a counter point as "regular kid."

Then there is Phil. She is strange. I mean just look at her full name, Philomena. It's not a name you hear often. Though she is kind and nice like any other child, her intelligence merits Ethan's disbelief. I mean a toilet time machine? Come on!

But there isn't just the characters. There is the fun, and quirks of the book. There is wordplay. The lunch lady's name is Mrs. Gastronome, which is a word that means gourmet (and sounds pretty silly.) There is the basic essence of the plot, a slimy broccoli-spinach-whatever casserole causing havoc.

This leads me to another point in which this book is superior to Goosebumps. R.L. Stine fills his book with all kinds of monsters. You have werewolves, ghosts, aliens, vampires galore. But Peter Lerangis? He knows what truly scares kids. School lunch. Who hasn't had a sloppy joe or congealed mashed potatoes and gravy they were sure would come alive at any moment?

Pretty much this book is better than Goosebumps in every way. Even in length. Goosebumps are always around 115 to 130 pages. This book is 100 pages exactly. He knew  what the perfect length for a book is and he stuck to it.

Screw R.L. Stine. Screw Goosebumps. I'm a Peter Lerangis blog now!

Rating: 5 out of 5 gross vegetables

Up Next

Tough call. Now that I have forsaken R.L. Stine for all times, I am not sure where to go. Since Peter Lerangis was so good at writing this I assume he has just as many amazing children's horror books out there as his competitor. They usually list other books you can buy by the author in the back of the book. Let's check back there and see what Scholastic has to offer...

GOOSEBUMPS!?!?!? THIS MAN JUST GAVE YOU GOLD AND YOU ARE JUST PIMPING OUT THE INFERIOR R.L STINE IN THIS BOOK? Surely this can't be right. If I just turn the page surely there will be a long list of Lerangis originals...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Sigh. Oh well. Happy Easter.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

It's October, the spookiest of all months. This particular October we must determine which is the scariest day. Could it be Friday the 13th which falls in October this year? Or perhaps it is October 31st, Halloween! If we were to battle it out via their movie franchises it would be Jason Vorhees vs Michael Myers. A frightening battle if ever there was one.

But for the kiddos in my youth, there would be different battles of scary franchises. Undoubtedly Goosebumps was the biggest and the baddest. It's why my blog is mostly dedicated to it. But I have to admit that not Goosebumps alone in frightening young me. There were other franchises that played their part. For example there was the 3 book series of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. Today I'll be reviewing book 1 in that series. Now I had actually assumed this came out in the 90s as it was so well known to my friends at the time. Turns out it actually came out in the early 80s but just had a long life span.

Now Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark is a different beast than Goosebumps. For one it's a collection of short stories. At that, it's not even original stories. Folklorist Alvin Schwartz researched an array of scary stories told throughout history and retold them here.

There is an interesting thing about this book though. While there are plenty of scary stories to read it may be that the most memorable thing is actually the illustrations. I think if you talk to anyone about the book they will bring up the pictures. They are extremely creepy, and not in a very "child friendly" style. Some are downright gruesome. These pictures are so well remembered that when fairly recently they were redone by a new artist for their most recent re-release of the book there was outrage from many fans.

I have flipped through these pages, and the art still is creepy. It holds up very well. But I have very little recollection of the stories. I do remember a tale or two, mostly in that they are more well known scary stories I had problem heard elsewhere at camp-outs or sleep overs. But how well do these stories hold up to me as an adult? Lets find out.

Strange and Scary Things

We begin with a forward. It discusses how scary stories have been around a long time. American pioneers told scary stories. It even discusses a young prince named Mamillius brought out in Shakespeare who would tell a scary story but never got his chance. More that, it suggests how to tell a scary story. Speak softly, darkness helps. Through this you realize that this book is more than a collection of scary stories for you to read, but ones for you to share. To retell to your friends. Perfect for the youths it is aimed at. Surely a slumber party or camp out could use these tales. Let us begin.

Chapter 1 "Aaaaaaaaaaah!"

This will apparently be featuring "jump scare" stories. The Five Nights at Freddy's of literature perhaps.

The Big Toe

A kid finds a big toe while gardening and naturally picks it up. His mom decides they should eat it.... What? Mom, dad, and son each get a piece of the toe then tired out from all that cannibalism they go to bed. The owner of the toe shows up demanding to know where it is. Seems reasonable. Kids try to sleep it away but angry toe guy is relentless. "Where is my to-o-o-o-o-e?" he questions several time. Then there are directions for you jump at the person you are telling the story to and shout "YOU'VE GOT IT!"

But wait, not only do we have director cues, we have an alternate ending! The directors cut if you will. In this version the voice comes from the chimney, and there is a strange looking creature inside. Going through your typical "wolf dressed as a grandma" questions he asks "what you got such big eyes for" with some spooky replies. Why does he have big claws? To scratch up your grave. And those teeth? there for chomping on your bones. Make this clear by jumping at your friend.'

So now it is very clear, these aren't stories to just read alone in your room. These are stories you are supposed to spook your friends with. But is it scary? Well this first story seems to think the scary part is a weird man/creature coming to look for his toe. I think a family that finds a human toe in their garden and immediately eats it is the scary part. That dude clearly deserves his toe back. Frankly. neither version of the end is particularly scary.

Spookometer rating: 1 toe out of 5.

The Walk

My uncle was walking and met a guy. They just look each other and get scared. Then they do it again, over and over into the night getting gradually more and more scared. AHHHHHHH! (the book told me to scream.) And that is pretty much it.

Very little substance to this story. I think perhaps the repetition of the uncle looking at the man, the man looking back, and them both getting scared is supposed to lull you, perhaps even bore you, to make you susceptible to the startle of a scream? It is hardly even a story though.

Spookometer rating: 1 scream out of 5

"What Do You Come For?"

An old lady wishes for some company in her kitchen at night. Rotten feet fall down her chimney. SANTA? NOOO! Legs fall after the feet, and attach themselves mystically. Then the body, arms, etc. Terrorized the woman asks "What do you come for?" Well of course, he comes FOR YOU! (do the jump scare bit here.)

Well rotten body parts falling out of your chimney is a bit freaky, I'll give you that. I wonder if these are just supposed to be rough outlines of a scary story and you are supposed to fill in more details yourself? It's kind of lacking so far....

Spookometer rating. 2 feet out of 5

Me Tie Dough-ty Walker

People claim there is a haunted house where a bloody head falls down the chimney every night. I am getting a distinct chimney theme with this part of the book. So does the same bloody head fall every night? Or is it a different one and they all just keep piling up? No one has stayed there to find out. A rich guy offers two hundred bucks to anyone who will stay in this house overnight. A boy and his dog take him up on the offer. To cheer themselves up they light a fire in the fireplace. They hear strange singing in the night that says, "me tie dough-ty walker." His dog replied "lynchee kinchy colly molly dingo dingo." Damn modern music, you can't even understand the words.  Naturally the boy is kinda surprised his dog sang. It happens several times, because apparently repetition is scary. The kid is worried his dog keeps replying is gonna get the weird singer to show up. Then a bloody head falls out of the chimney and scares the dog to death. And then a scream because, ya know, jump scare.

Ok, nonsense words are not scary. Unless it is like, the devil making you speak in tongues? I don't know. A bloody head falling out of a chimney is scary. Everything that lead up to it is dumb. I am losing my patience with this book.

Spookometer rating: 1 head out of 5

A Man Who Lived in Leeds

This is a rhyming poem that ends with a simile about getting stabbed with a penknife and then you scream.

This is kinda bullshit.

Spookometer rating: 1 penknife out of 5

Old Woman All Skin and Bone

This one is actually a song. It has sheet music for the little ditty and everything. Basically an old woman goes to church and then finds a dead body crawling with worms. Dismayed she asks the preacher if she'll look like then when she's dead. He tells her she will. AHHHHH. This one really didn't need a scream. Oh well.

Anyway, contemplating your own mortality IS actually pretty scary. Who hasn't failed to go to sleep at least once while contemplating ones own death. And to come face to face with it via a corpse at church, and have the priest who you look to for comfort and guidance. I am not sure that making it a song helps make it scary though. Maybe if you had a creepy arrangement of it? Got some creepy church organ? I don't know. No kid is going to do that.

Spookometer rating: 2 corpses out of 5

Chapter 2: He Heard Footsteps Coming Up the Cellar Stairs

Thank christ, we are out of the jump scares. This one promises ghosts, murders, and other strange occurrences. This may be just the thing I was looking for.

The Thing

I don't think this is the John Carpenter movie, or even its remake. Two friends shoot the shit near a turnip field. Some strange figure lurks there but disappears. Next time it appears it comes closer, and scares them. Finally it approaches them and they are determined to see what they are so scared of. It's a skeleton wearing black pants and suspenders. This scares them pretty good and they run home. A year later Ted dies and looks just like the skeleton man.

Wait.... so did the skeleton cause him to die a year later? Or is that unrelated. Is the scary thing the death of a friend or a walking skeleton man? I'm sorry, this is just no good. So much for hoping better of this chapter.

Spookometer rating: 1 dead friend out of 5

Cold as Clay

A farmers daughter falls in love with a farmhand named Jim. Dad doesn't think he's good enough so he sends his daughter away. Lovesick Jim got literally sick and died. On the other side of the county daughter hears a knock at the door. It's Jim. He says her father sent for her. On the horse ride home he complains of a headache and she says he is as cold as clay, wrapping him in a handkerchief to keep him warm. Dad was shocked to see her, and she was surprised he hadn't sent for her. Jim, it now seems, is absent. Dad tells her about his death and they dig up his grave because what is a little desecration between friends, and his corpse is still there... but it is wearing daughters handkerchief.

Ok this one has a little spookitude. It's not just mindless repetition or nonsense. Though short there is a little actual story going on. Based soley on the fact that this one is better than everything that preceded it...

Spookometer rating: 2.5 graves out of 5

The White Wolf

The wolf population is out of control. Farmers are losing cattle, so the state puts a bounty out on the animals. Bill the butcher decides to make some money killing wolves instead of cutting up already dead beef. He is pretty darn good at it. So good in fact that not too long after the wolf population is seriously hurting. Bill decided that was a good time to retire and vowed not to kill any more wolves because killing wolves made him rich and... I don't really understand his reasoning ok? Oh well. Anyway, a white wolf shows up and kills his cow. IMMEDIATELY Bill forsakes his vow and takes a new vow of vengeance against this wolf. He ties a lamb to a tree to bait it and waits with his gun. Bill goes unheard from for awhile before his friends check up on him. His lamb is fine. Bill however had his throat torn open. There was no sign of a struggle. The white wolf was never seen again.

This is some man versus nature shit right here. Don't fuck with nature guys. It will tear your throat out. Obviously we are left to wonder, was that a real wolf or a ghost wolf. I am not sure if one is scarier than the other. Either one will apparently tear your throat out.

Spookometer rating: 2 wolves out of 5

The Haunted House

A preacher wants to unhaunt a house. Naturally he takes a bible and he builds up a fire. In the cellar he hears some sounds like someone walking around, trying to scream, struggling, then silence. He tries to go back to the bible but someone is coming up the stairs. Before he could be spooked the preacher asks the thing what it wants. This spook doesn't like questions so he goes back downstairs. Later it works up the courage to go up the stairs again. Again the preacher gives it the third degree. It's a ghostly young woman who fades away. Preacher bibles it up again before she returns. He invokes the holy trinity this time before asking her what she wants. Apparently she was murdered by her boyfriend who wanted her money. She's buried in the basement. It'd be awfully nice if the preacher could dig her up and give her a proper burial. She'd like that. Also if he put the end joint of her little finger in the collection plate at church he'd find out who killed her. A little weird... but ok.... Plus if he comes back she'll tell him where the money she had is hidden and he can give it to the church. Wait... is this one of those Nigerian prince scams? He gives it a go. At church the bone sticks to the murder as he reached to the collection plate and he screamed his head off before confessing. Ol preachy went back and the ghost told him where the money was. Where she had touch him on his coat was forever burned with the print of her bony fingers.

At 2 and a half pages this is probably the longest story yet. Length helps. (That's what she said.) It's nice to get some details, and some room to build up stuff. Now I'm not saying I'm not going to fall asleep because of this tale, but I have to admit to a little bit of eeriness.

Spookometer rating: 3 bones out of 5

The Guests

A young couple is traveling later than expected and in the dark of night decide they should stop for the evening. Nearby they find a house and go to ask if the would rent out a room to them. The elderly couple says they don't rent out rooms but would be glad to have them as guests, refusing any offer of money. The next morning the young couple departs but not before leaving an envelope of cash on the table as thanks. The next town over they stop for breakfast and tell the owner of the diner about the nice place they stayed the night at. The owner was confused, explaining that the house they were talking about burned down and killed the couple inside. Surely he was talking about the wrong house? To get to the bottom of it the couple returned to the house, only to find its charred remains. They did, however, find the table scorched but in tact and the envelope of money they left that morning was still upon it.

Ok, so the "they were really ghosts the whole time" thing is a bit played out, but it is a scary story staple. If M. Knight Shamalayamalaananan can get away with it and be called a genius why not allow it for a story like this? If you are collecting ghost stories that have been passed on through generations there are bond to be some like this. No doubt there will be more in this book.

Spookometer rating: 3 fires out of 5

Chapter 3: They Eat Your Eyes They Eat Your Nose

This seems to be miscellaneous stories. It promises stories about graves, witches, and your (the readers) corpse being eaten by worms. Cheery!

The Hearse Song

Another song? Ok lets get on with it. Basically it tells you shouldn't laugh when a hearse drives by because you're gonne die some day. Not only are you going to die but they are gonna toss you in a grave and you are going to rot, decay, and be eaten by worms. There is some pretty good imagery used in this song I must admit. I do appreciate the line "the worms play pinochle on your snout." The tune ends with an assertion that all the slimy gross puss corpse juice your corpse makes is what you use for jelly on toast when you're dead.

Ok this is just kinda gory fun. It's morbid silliness. It's a song you would use to bug your younger sibling with and freak them out. Or that you'd get in trouble for spreading around at school. Perhaps you could go around at Halloween singing horror carols?

Grossometer rating: 4 worms out of 5

The Girl Who Stood on a Grave

A rowdy co-ed party some youngsters discuss the nearby cemetery and how creepy it is. A boy details how if you stand on a grave there you'll be grabbed by a corpse and dragged down. " A girl denounces this as superstitious hogwash. A dollar bet is made that she will be too scared to do it. To prove she had done it she has to stick a knife in the grave and leave it there for them to check on later. She overcomes fear and goes there sticking the knife in as instruction. When she tries to leave something holds her back. She struggles and isn't seen again. When they go to check and see what happen they find her dead body on the grave. She had accidentally stuck her skirt to the ground with the knife and that is what was holding her back. She evidently died of fright.

Ok I have some problems with this. I mean playing on superstitions and stuff is fine and graveyards are plenty disturbing but if you are going to dare someone to stand on a grave wouldn't you go there to witness it? Wouldn't you want to be there to try to freak them out as they were trying to do it? Who hands someone a knife and says, here stick this in a grave and walk away. Also what kind of idiot girl knifes her dress and doesn't notice it? Plus, can you really die of fright? I have never read someones obituary and it listed the cause of death as "fright." Come on scary story, try harder!

Spookometer rating: 2 graves out of 5

A New Horse

A couple of farmhands are roommates. One sleeps at the back of the room and one sleeps near the door. The one that sleeps near the door was awfully tired, and explained that at night a witch comes and turns him into a horse to ride him all over during the night. In disbelief the other farmhand says he'll sleep in that bed tonight and see what happens. Sure enough he got turned into a horse and the witch rode him to a party. She tied him up and went to boogie down. Meanwhile he managed to get his bridle off and it turned him back into a human. Now that he knew the magic words to turn someone into a horse he turned the witch herself into a horse. Naturally he took this new horse and got her fitted for horseshoes. Then he decided to trade his new horse with the witch's husband. When he took the bridle off his new horse he was shocked to find his wife standing there with horseshoes nailed to her hands.

Now again, I'm confused by this story. So do the magic words turn someone into a horse or is it the bridle? Do the magic words infuse the bridle with magic? Why doesn't the witch just buy a horse? Surely it's cheaper than a magic bridle? If the previous horse-man disliked getting turned into a horse so much why didn't he move? or confront her at night or something?  I don't get it.

What I have to say positive about the story is it is always nice when the would be victim pulls one over on the villain. Also the thought of horseshoes nailed to human hands and feet is pretty gruesome.

Spookometer rating: 2 out of 5 humans turned into horses

Alligators

A young couple get married and the husband likes to go swimming at night. They have 2 sons and soon the dad takes the sons out swimming at night. Sometimes they go the whole night. The wife gets lonely and soon theorizes that he is turning them into alligators. People told her that's crazy, there aren't any alligators around here. Now that retort doesn't make any sense to me. Like the craziest thing about the notion that her family turned into alligators is that alligators don't naturally live in the area? Anyway one day the lady comes running from the river dripping wet claiming her family were alligators and were trying to get her to live with them and eat live fish. They locked her up in the loony bin. Though still to this day, people claim to have seen 3 alligators out in the river. But that's crazy, there are no alligators around here...

So uhh. I don't know. I don't know what to say. Alligators? This story is about her family turning into alligators? Like... how? Why? Is it a family lineage thing? Why is this scary? Are people worried about their sons turning into reptiles? I'd be a lot more scared of being eaten by a gator than by my son turning into one.

Spookometer rating: 1 gator out of 5

Room for One More

A guy was staying at a friend's house and having trouble sleeping. He couldn't sleep and saw in the window a black hearse pulled into the driveway. The creepy driver exclaimed to him "there is room for one more." When the guy didn't jump at the chance to go into a creepy hearse in the middle of the night the car went away. Next day he is about to get onto an elevator and the driver from the hearse is there saying "there is room for one more." The guy decides he'll wait for the next elevator which is good because that elevator crashed any everyone died.

So uhh, I guess premonitions are spooky? or omens or uhh, whatever this is? Like some many of these very short stories it feels like there just needs to be more meat on its bones... Which is funny because skeletons are spookier without meat on their bones...

Spookometer rating: 2 hearses out of 5

The Wendigo

A hunter goes to northern Canada to hunt with a native to guide him. There is a wind storm but when he opens the tent there is no actual wind, which is odd because it sure sounds like wind. The wind sounds like it is calling his guide's name. The guide is clearly distraught but claims it is nothing, before running out of the tent in a madness. In the morning the hunter follows his tracks in the snow before they get inhumanly far apart. They go out onto the ice and stop. But there is no hole in the ice where he could have fallen in. Confused he leaves supplies for his guide and takes a long journey back to civilization. The next year he goes hunting in the same are again and asks the locals about the guide. None of them know what happens but tell him about the Wendigo. It is a strange being that comes with the wind and grabs you along with it, dragging you on the ground until your feet start to burn. Later the hunter goes to the trading post and sits by the fire. A native comes and sits next to him. He seemed familiar so the hunter asked him if he was his guide. After no response came he took of the native's hat to see his face only to find a pile of ash.

I don't know that this is at all a representation of what the actual belief of a Wendigo is but I guess it's nice to have some horror stories of a non anglo culture? This feels like a very shortened version of a longer tale. I think properly told it could be scarier.

Spookometer rating: 2 windstorms out of 5

The Dead Man's Brains

So this is basically an explanation of a game to play at Halloween. In the dark you pass around pieces of a corpse for people to feel while explaining them. Obviously you aren't passing around real organs but things like grapes for eyes and chicken bones and ketchup blood. This is something that people still do I think, or at least it is depicted on tv. Here's the thing, it's not very scary. Try passing around a real cadaver, now that's scary.

Spookometer rating: 1 grape eyeball out of 5

May I Carry Your Basket?

A kid goes out late at night and sees an older lady carrying a basket. As a nice gesture he offers to carry her basket. It seems that her head is inside the basket which is a surprise. He runs away but her head goes after him, biting him before it disappears.

How. How does a head follow him? Is it like, rolling after him? It says it chases him and bounds into the air to get him which makes me think it wasn't already flying. Does it have tiny little legs where the neck should be? This would be scarier if my mental image wasn't so ridiculous.

Spookometer rating: 2 severed heads out of 5

Chapter 4: Other Dangers

These are more contemporary stories told more recently in modern times.

The Hook

OH MAN! Is this the one where the hook is on the car? I think I know this one!

Let's see. A young couple go park on a hill to look in the city and if this was a book for adults they'd be banging but since it's for kids they are just listening the radio. A killer escaped from prison and he has a hook for a hand. That prison is pretty close. They decide to roll up the windows and lock the doors but argue about going home. They don't say it, but the guy wants to bang. The girl swears she hears some scratching on the car but that's crazy right? But when the guy lets her out of the car there is a hook on the door!

I feel like you lose something in the simplification of this story and the making it more appropriate for kids. I think this story is an extremely well known one, and for a lot of people it's what they think of when they think of a "scary story to tell in the dark." I guess it's nice that this book writes it down for future generations to take part in.

Spookometer: 3 hooks out of 5

The White Satin Evening Gown

A girl buys a dress for a dance, dances her heart out and dies. Turns out the dress was covered in embalming fluid which poisoned her, because the dress seller got it from a guy who robbed a mortuary.

Are dress so expensive that we need to be robbing them from corpses? I guess so. Can't you smell embalming fluid?  Isn't it really smelly? Wouldn't she complain about a smelly dress? I don't know. There are so many short stories. I'm getting overwhelmed.

Spookometer: 2 dresses stolen from a corpse out of 5

A girl is driving her car when she realizes a truck is following her. It shines it's high beams on her and speeds up to follow her. Creeped it follows her all the way home. When she arrives she runs into the house quickly yelling for her dad to call the police. When the cops get there they see the truck driver with a gun in his hand. As they start to arrest him they explain they want the other guy. The guy sitting in the back of the girls car with a knife. He only followed her because he saw the guy get in and was trying to save her. Each time the guy was gonna stab her he flashed his brights.

Oh man. This is some prime urban legend stuff right here. This is another story I am sure I heard. Now again it doesn't prosper from the abbreviated telling, but this is a classic of the modern era in urban legend scary story. The fact that it "could happen." Undoubtedly freaked a lot of people out. I feel like it's the kind of thing I could still to this day get a spam email about urging young girls to check their back seat each time they drive.

Spookometer: 4 trucks out of 5

The Babysitter

While babysitting a caller phones to say creepy and vaguely threatening things over and over. Scared and fed up the babysitter calls the operator to see what's going on. The operate says the call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE! Just then some strange man bursts from upstairs grinning creepily. Luckily the operator called the police and arrested him.

Again, a shortened simplified kid version is not everything it could be. Still this is a classic I have heard. If it was today someone would be texting them from the same wifi or something. damn kids. This whole story would be ruined with caller ID right?

Spookometer: 3 landline phones out of 5.

Chapter 5 "Aaaaaaaaaaah!"

Didn't we already read this chapter? Yes this chapter has the same name as the first one but apparently these stores are supposed to make you laugh.

The Viper

An old woman is terrorized by someone named "The Viper" who is coming for her. Turns out he is "the viper" that "vipes and vashes the vindows"

So is this racist? is this making fun of a specific accent? or is this making fun of a speak impediment? Maybe she really should be scared because it's Dracula. He used v's in his speech right? Like I vant to suck your blood? I don't know.

Laughometer: 1 V out of 5

The Attic

A hunter and trapper lives with his dog. He loses his dog to his dismay. While looking for him he goes up into the attic and screams AAAAAAH!

The end.

Oh wait, that's not the end. The audience is supposed to ask why he screamed and you are supposed to tell them he stepped on a nail.

BOOOOOOOOOOO. That's not a scary ghost booing either, that is me booing this bad story.

Laughometer rating: 2 nails out of 5

The Slithery-dee

A short rhyme about how the slithery-dee came from the sea and ate everyone else but not him, but then it ate him.

It's kind of cute. I guess that is neither funny nor scary, but it's something I guess?

Laughometer rating: 2 somethings out of 5

Aaron Kelly's Bones

Aaron Kelly died and they buried him and so forth. He didn't' feel like staying dead though so his reanimated corpse showed up at his widows place. She couldn't collect insurance money since he wasn't dead anymore, so that's a bummer. He didn't feel much like being in a grave. So a fiddler came to become a diddler with his widow but was cockblocked by the zombie. Aaron asked the fiddler to play to cheer them all up and that corpse danced up a storm until his rotting body fell apart. the fiddler was grossed out and left. The widow never got plowed by him. At least her former husband could go back in his grave.

It's 12:30 am and I'd really like to get this ready by morning so it's ready for Friday the 13th. I forgot there were so many of these damn stories. I guess the notion of a zombie dancing himself to pieces is funny. Kinda sucks for his widow though. She deserves to move on. Not cool Aaron Kelly, not cool.

Laughometer rating: 3 bones out of 5

Wait Till Martin Comes

An old man takes refuge in an abandoned house during a storm. A black cat greets him and he falls asleep petting the feline. When he wakes up there is an even larger cat there and they discuss whether they should "do it now or wait until Martin comes." The next time the old man is alert there is a third cat the size of a tiger and they ponder the same thing. The old man gets the hell out of there and tells them he couldn't wait for Martin.

Martin who? Martin Short? Martin Mull? Martin Scorsese? Doc Martin? Martin Sheen? Uhh I can't think of any more Martins.

Laughometer rating: 1 Martin out of 5

The Ghost with the Bloody Fingers

Guests check into a haunted hotel room heedless of the warnings. Each time the ghost moans about his bloody fingers. The last man to get the room is some hippy with a guitar who tells the ghost to get a bandaid.

Meh.

Laughometer rating: 2 band-aids out of 5

I Read It All!

So there are the stories. There is all the text. But what about all the art? The art is eerie, creepy, and at times gruesome. Often times it doesn't fit the stories with at all. But yet it may be the best part of the book. Some scenes are truly disturbing even without the excellent execution, dead bodies and the like. But other scenes are made scary by Stephen Gemmell's unique style. Even "normal" humans seem disturbing and other worldly. Some of the contrast between silly stories and gruesome pictures is really stark. For example Dead Man's Brains is just an explanation to peel eyeballs and let people feel it. The illustration however is a gruesome picture of a creepy old lady with a steaming grotesque severed head with the top cut off. Truly gross.  I'm not going to scan the whole book but I'll try to sprinkle some illustrations here or there so you can see what I'm talking about.

So overall as a whole what do I think? It's interesting to get a collection not of uniquely authored stories but of folklore and urban legend that has been passed along for generations. The thing is, the execution isn't always excellent and the stories are frequently not that scary. Still as a resource for someone to use to start becoming a story teller this could be an interesting way to start. The art of the ghost story isn't in reading a written tale in a book after all. You take the part that work and weave the tale yourself, adding in the parts as you see fit, helping them to evolve.

This book was rather different from my usual Goosebumps. It was a good experience to try something else. I even remembered some of these tales from my youth. The more modern ones were easier because no doubt I had heard them outside the writing, but stories like the toe eating I remember. I guess a story about someone eating a toe in the garden sticks with you.

So perhaps this book is more silly than scary. I think that might be alright. It's still pretty fun. Just don't try to read it all and write a review for it all at once. You'll get burnt out. Trust me.

Overall Rating: 3 scared kids out of 5

Up Next

Well there are 2 more Scary Story books in the series but I don't know them and I don't think I'll be reading them any time soon. Truth is, it's back to Goosebumps for me for the foreseeable future. I got a special one planned for Halloween so check back for that one. Also between then and now I'd like to do 1 more discussing alternate covers for the Goosebumps books. Hope you enjoyed this and check back soon. Happy Friday the 13th! Or happy whenever you read this!

Star Wars Galaxy of Fear #1: Eaten Alive

Wait, what's this? I'm reviewing a Star Wars book instead of Goosebumps? What is going on? Has the world gone topsy-turvy? Fear not reader, this book is related, albeit only slightly, to Goosebumps. You see when I was a boy in the 90s RL Stine started a whole wave of kid based fright. As he was raking in millions everybody wanted a piece of his horror pie. Now I'm not saying Stine invented the concept of spooky kids books, but he sure made it hella popular at the time.

So what does Star Wars have to do with it? Well the merchandising behemoth wasn't going to let that kind of money slip away from them, no sir. If there was cash to grab from kiddo's pockets just by giving them a little fright, then by gosh they were going to get it. Cue Star Wars Galaxy of Fear. Horror for kids ABOUT STAR WARS. What could be better? Well as we'll come to find out, a lot of things I'm sure, but still. Maybe there will be a werewookiee. A ewokula? Sith ghosts? Who knows!

Anyway, the fact is I don't remember a ton about this series. I only had the one book, which thankfully is the first but I never moved on from there. I feel like I probably got it right as I was losing interest in Goosebumps and I was probably trying to chase that high again. Fact is, I think I was just losing interest in these kind of books in general. But now I'm 30 and for some reason the thought of reading books mean to scare 10 year olds is appealing again. So now that Star Wars movies are back in full force (haha get it, like the force that jedi use?) with Episode 7 and now this very month Rogue One I figure what better time to haul this old book out and see what it has to offer? Lets take a look.

Judging a Book by its Cover

Holy hologram batman! This has one of those images that looks like one thing when you hold it one way, but another thing another way. I think it's called a lenticular image? I may be wrong about that. Anyway at one angle you see a grinning alien visage holding an open hand out to you. The other, however, shows the same being with his mouth open presenting a long snake tongue and rows of razor-sharp teeth. A fitting image for a book named "Eaten Alive." While the effect is kind of cool the fact that it has to be grayish with a bit of weird prismatics in color is kind of a bummer. It would be nice to have a good ol' full color image of that guy. But at least this is a "limited collector's edition" so I'll be able to retire young when I sell this. I am sure by limited they totally don't mean that it was limited to the entirety of their printing and that this is the only edition available with a limit of millions of copies. Star Wars would never mislead me like that!

So I did a very basic amount of research into this series so I would know a few things. For starters, all these books cover the same characters, unlike Goosebumps which tends to feature new ones each time. Also I was curious what timeline I'd be getting into. It seems we'll be delving into the world at about the time of the original trilogy. Thankfully these were released shortly before Phantom Menace existed or they could be teaming with gungans and dining with Dexter Jettser.

What kind of frights will these people face? Supernatural ones? Force ghosts? Sith Spirits? Hutt Zombies? Or will they be more sci-fi maintstays. Obviously there will be aliens, it is Star Wars. Will they lurk in a bog with one of those weird tentacle eyeball things from the trash compactor scene? Will their computer become haunted? Perhaps a droid that is secretly evil? Only one way to find out, lets dive in.

Getting Goosebumps Galaxy of Feared

Holy crap there is a prologue and DARTH VADER IS IN IT! I wasn't sure if any main characters from the movies would appear and right off the bat we have Vader. There is a convo between him and a mysterious scientist. They discuss the "ultimate weapon." Where the Death Star failed this scientist shall succeed he claims, using life instead of machines. Darthy Boy of course has to assert that the ultimate weapon is in fact the force. Before we fade out him torturing some poor creature the scientist reveals that he intends to use this weapon to snuff Darth Vader and become the Emperor's right hand man. This begs the question, if your weapon is indeed the ultimate power in the world why settle for being #2. Couldn't he kill Vader AND the Emperor. Think big science man!


And now we begin with a breathtaking dogfight between an X-Wing and a Tie Fighter which turns out to be a holographic video game stopped by a droid who doesn't seem to appreciate being made a baby sitter. Meet DV-9 or "Deevee" who is currently watching Tash and her brother Zak Arranda who will be our tween protagonists for this novel. They are aboard the Lightrunner. And Deevee the science droid gets to play schoolmarm to the children instead of helping out his master Hoole, the children's uncle, with his anthropology research. Instead of doing her homework, Tash is reading banned info about Jedi Knights on the internet holonet. Don't they have parental control on that thing?

After their time spent supposed to be studying we found out that they are from Alderaan. If this

doesn't trigger something for you let me give you some spoilers for Episode IV: A New Hope (christ it's been over 30 years do I have to give a spoiler warning?) ALDERAAN GETS ALL KINDS OF BLOWED UP BY DARTH VADER AND THE DEATH STAR. Tash and Zak were off planet but their parents are space dust now which is why they are traveling with uncle Hoole and his grumpy droid. Thing is, Hoole doesn't seem too keen on being a parent. The kids don't seem to trust him completely, in fact Zak snoops into his room to check it out and gets grabbed out of nowhere by a chapter ending cliffhanger! Oh my god, these really are Goosebumps rip offs!

Don't worry though, it's just Uncle Hoole upset at these damn kids and their shenanigans. Oh, also Hoole is a Shi'ido which is an alien that can change shape. Think Odo from Deep Space 9. Wait, I am crossing my sci-fi... Oh well. Well ol changey Hoole is on his way to D'vouran, a newly discovered planet populated by the Enzeen. Why is this planet of note? Well because it is right next to one of the busiest damn parts of outer space and yet it was only just recently discovered. How did all of outer space miss seeing this planet? Weird!

Just then the ship starts to go crazy. Tash was messing around in the cockpit but swears it wasn't her. Damn lying kids! The ship was on auto pilot set to jump out of hyperspace when they were close but they arrived 15 minutes too early. Did the planet move? Or is Tash a lying liar that lies? After a bumpy ride to the space port they exit the plane. Tash gets the shit scared out of her by a guy trying to put a flower necklace around her because it was the end of the chapter and they needed a scare cliffhanger.

Chood (the Enzeen who was getting them all lai'd) says he'll take them to some starpilots who can help them fix their ship which was damaged in the fiasco. Tash thinks she has a "bad feeling about this" which is a line that is always appearing in Star Wars. All in all the Enzeen seem pretty nice though. They encourage people to move to or visit their planet. They offer free food for guests. And Chood himself offers to wash Tash and Zak while Uncle Hoole conducts business. The only downer so far seems to be this maniac Bebo who was thrown out of the cantina for raving about his friends disappearing.

Inside said cantina there are all sorts of creatures including a Gank mercenary who doesn't seem to fond of their uncle judging by the fact that he is holding a blaster at him. Turns out he works for a Hutt. Smada the Hutt. Smada wants Hoole to work as an assassin for him, figuring that his shape shifting abilities will come in handy. Seems the old scientist has an interesting past. Well the whole scene gets interrupted by the appearance of 2 guys, a girl and a pizza place Wookiee. Yup, Han, Luke, Leia, and Chewie appear in this very book! Even R2 and C3PO are there, oh boy! They introduce themselves but as former citizens of Alderaan Leia needs needs no introduction what with being their princess and all. 3PO and Deevee had some fun droid conversation with the fore being excitable and the latter being bored out of his cyber mind. Tash and Luke share some words about the Jedi.

Outside! A Scream! It's our chapter cliffhanger! That weirdo Bebo had another friend disappear on him. The citizens don't seem very sympathetic to his plight. It is explained that Bebo was on the ship that first accidentally discovered the planet. They crashed and there seems to be a disagreement over what happened. The Enzeen say he is the sole survivor. Bebo on the other hand claims they all lived but have been slowly disappearing on him. Oh well, I'm sure this will all get sorted out.

Han and Chewie agree to help fix their ship. Zak insults the Millennium Falcon. Luke tells Tash to Falcon's computer. Unfortunately an alert goes off because the cyber police back traced their shit. Oh noes! The Empire doesn't want anyone to know much about D'vouran it seems. Chewbecca soups up Zak's skimboard before they leave. I think it's some kind of hoverboard? Probably.
trust her feelings. Luke helps her search for D'vouran info the net on the

Off to Chood's house.  Hoole leaves the kids with him. It's always advisable to leave your kids with a complete stranger you've only just met on a strange planet no one knows anything about. Great parenting. Anyway Tash wakes up in the middle of the night to some strange slurping sounds. I'm not going insinuate it's sexual. I'm not going to insinuate it's sexual. I'm not going to insinuate it's sexual... Ok. Chood creepily appears from the darkness and tells her it must be stray animals. Then he says he's gotta leave. Wait so Hoole leaves the kids under the guardianship of some weird alien guy and then said alien guy just ditches them in the middle of the night? Does the Empire have child protective services?

Fortunately for them murderous thugs don't have a grudge against their caretaker. Oops, nevermind. Gank thugs show up in the middle of the night. The kids run straight to the Cantina. Great idea, best way to escape thugs is to go to the last place you saw their leader. Anyway when they get there the Ganks are no where to be seen. Hoole shows up and seems mad at the kids for inventing these stories. Hey asshole, you don't want your kids to wake up in the middle of the night screaming about intruders try not leaving them all alone on some crazy planet where there is literally someone out to kill you!

Zak decides to chill out by skimboarding. He skimboards right into Smada the Hutt. His plan to murder the boy gets interrupted by Bebo who is yelling about their dooms. Gank attempts to murder the strange man get thwarted by the fact that they just can't fucking hit him. Hoole arrives with armed citizens to put a stop to it then IMMEDIATELY LEAVES TASH WITH THE DROID WITHOUT PLANNING FOR HER PROTECTION. Seriously this guy is the worst parent ever. Tash talks to Bebo and then gets pushed into a hole. Yup. So she's alone in a dark hole with this guy. I WILL NOT INSINUATE THIS IS SEXUAL. The place they are in seems to be a laboratory built by the Empire. Inside Bebo tells her the story of their crash. How his friends have gone missing 2 or 3 at a time. He believes he is safe because he has a pendant that gives off some sort of force field. He gives it to the girl and after she leaves is immediately murdered by one of Smada's goons.

Tash and the droid start walking back but are interrupted by slurping. They stumbled upon Enzeens including Chood who were sticking their long gross tongues into the ground and sucking. They don't take kindly to being spied on and start a chase. Deevee gets tackled by the aliens. An Enzeen catches Tash. What is a kid to do? Try to use the force, why the fuck not. Cue an earthquake that may or may not have been caused by her. The village is deserted. At the space port she finds Zak's skimboard and some discarded eels that Smada must have been snacking on. She takes the board with her and heads to Smada's stronghold because seriously why the fuck not. Believe it or not, showing up to your enemy unarmed makes it really really really easy to kidnap you. So being the nice Hutt Smada is he threatens to kill her brother unless she tells him where Uncle Hoole is. This is inconvenient because she genuinely doesn't know.

Deevee enters with a distraction and tosses the kids the skimboard. They escape with the droid hanging off the bottom but they crash when one of the blasters hits the board. The Ganks and Hutt catch up to them but oddly the thugs start to be eaten by the ground. They even shout out the name of the book, "I'm being EATEN ALIVE." Soon Smada and a lone Gank are all that survive, finding shelter on his hoversled. The Enzeen emerge and reveal something startling. The beast killing everyone is not some creature tunneling beneath the earth. The earth itself is attacking them. The planet itself is alive! The Hutt tries bargaining for his life to no avail, instead enduring a lecture about how the Enzeen are parasites tolerated by the living planet as they provide food. The children will be taken to the heart of the planet where they will be most completely digested. I would think you would bring them to the stomach of the planet for that to happen, but oh well.

Back to the laboratory! It's explained that created by the Empire as a weapon, their planetary beast turned on them and ate the scientists. Chood gets El-Kabong'd by Zak using his skimboard. One of the Enzeen reveals itself to be Uncle Hoole. He appeared as a Wookie and battles the Enzeen. In a struggle Chood gets the force field pendant but falls down the feeding pit with it in his clutches. They struggle with Smada to skimboard out of there and ultimately the planet devours the Hutt. Off they go, as the planet has trouble digesting the force field pendant it has swallowed.

They get to their spaceship in the nick of time but can't seem to get off the planet. Millenium Fucking Falcon to the rescue! Awww yeah, punch it Chewie. As they try to leave the planet Han has a "bad feeling about this." Two bad feelings in one book! How Star Wars! Anyway, the planet is following them. Some fancy flying on Han's part gets them away and then the planet.... eats itself? Ok.

Epilogue! Hoole reveals that he almost let them fucking die so he could find out what's going on. Then they fucking rehash everything we already know about D'vouran. It was engineered was a weapon by the Empire, the Enzeen were parasites. Thank god it's gone! Meanwhile in another part of the galaxy a ship drops out of hyperspace early. How strange that this uncharted planet is here...

What I Thought

I was wondering before I started this just how much like Goosebumps this would be. Now obviously it can't be too similar. I mean it's got to fit in the Star Wars world and have sci-fi tropes. You can only make the characters so relate-able. Still they did try to ground them a bit. They did some usual kid stuff. They played video games (albeit holo games) they skateboarded (or skimboarded.) Still, average Joe 11 year old probably doesn't dream too much about being a Jedi. Actually maybe they do, because that would be fucking sweet. The average kid just doesn't have much of a shot at it.

Actually I think I liked this book all the more because of it's unrelate-able sci-fi trappings. Sure I might not have felt the biggest connection with Tash and Zak but they got to do awesome stuff. Fly a space ship! Talk to robots! Meet a Wookiee! I am all for fantastical things in books.

You know what else? This book was a lot better written than a Goosebumps book too. Now I'm not saying it was a masterpiece but there actual literary things in there. For example, they used for shadowing. In the beginning their school lessons taught them all about parasitic creatures in symbiotic relationships. This paved the way for them to learn about the Enzeen's relationship to D'vouran. Another example, of stuff that would pay of later is Zak and his skimboarder. He was earlier practicing a complicated maneuver that would later end up saving their lives. There were a fair share of clues to what was really going on in the story as well. When I first read it, it was a quick read where I didn't attempt to think ahead or anything. When I read it again to write stuff down I noticed clues that made sense and would make it possible to deduce what was happening if you were really paying attention. I feel like Goosebumps never has stuff like that.

Really this book just felt like a lot of fun. You got to meet characters from the movies. There was the very tangible threat of a greedy Hutt and his Gank killers to cause problems while the greater threat of the carnivorous planet remained unknown. It kept things moving and provided a little bit of a red herring.

Still, the book is not perfect. I am not entirely sure if it would have been quite as enjoyable if I had never seen a Star Wars movie. That said, how many people who have never seen Star Wars would be reading this book? Not many I assume.

Beyond that, there were some questionable things going on that my adult brain couldn't handle. Why is Hoole such a shitty parent? Why would he trust the Enzeen he has just met to take care of his kids? Why would he leave them alone so often when he knows there are a bunch of murderous thugs after his family? How does Smada intend to control Hoole to be his assassin? If he can shape shift into anything he could easily kill the Hutt himself, shifting himself to be one of his private guards, his family members, a slave girl, literally anything. How Smada ever trust him to be an assassin for him? Also, how does a creature the size of a planet survive on just a few human beings a day? Planets, even small ones are fucking huge! Think about how much energy it must take to move around in outer space (and let's not even ask the question about how it manages that.) It would have to eat so many freaking people! The Empire would have to start emptying their prisons out onto the planet to keep it sustained.

But hey, kids don't worry about this stuff. Plus it is science fiction so maybe I'm not picking. D'vouran may not follow logical laws of existence. I mean I am talking about a galaxy that has a planet that is entirely desert, a planet that is entirely tundra a moon that is entirely forest. I guess this place just doesn't follow natural laws.

Ultimately though, this book is better written than Goosebumps. I think if you like sci-fi tropes and/or Star Wars you might just enjoy it more than Goosebumps too. Sure sci-fi "monsters" give you a little different fright than classics like werewolves or ghosts but after plowing through about 30 or so Goosebumps I was probably ready for a change.

Rating: 4 out of 5 pieces of merchandising
 

Final Thoughts



I would have liked to get this review out on the release day of Rogue One, but I am lazy. At least it is still in theaters? I guess I got it out by Christmas and that is good enough. Let me know if you liked me reviewing a non Goosebumps book or if you think I have committed heresy. I hope you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading it regardless. If you read it close to it's release, Merry Christmas. If you are reading any time else, Merry Whatever Day It Is. Check back next time when I'll be back to the main Goosebumps series.