#25 Attack of the Mutant

Judging a Book by its Cover

Attack of the Mutant! Attack of the pretty generic super hero, or more it seems from the tagline, a super villain. He doesn't look like much of mutant to me. He looks pretty normal, just costumed. He has a pretty plain mask and cape. It's evident that when he wants to make a statement he does so with his architecture. Look at that bright pink and neon green building behind him, what a beauty! Such a stunning tower clearly would need that barbed wire fence to keep admirers away.

Now the back tagline says, "read at your own risk." Is it talking about this book? Or the book within a book? OR BOTH? So clearly we got a kid who likes his comic books, and one of the characters somehow comes off the pages and runs a muck. Is a guy who dresses in a costume to portray this villain at birthday parties, secretly actually have powers? Does lightning strike the comic book and somehow bring it to life? Is there a genuine "super hero" in real life who turns out to be a villain? Nah, that's too interesting, I'm sure it'll be something much dumber. Let's see!

Getting Goosebumps

Skipper Matthews is the star of this book. He's a pudgy nerd that collects comic books. The worst part is he doesn't even read the comic books, he just collects them as an investment. He never takes them out of their bags, except for one. Apparently he just has to read The Masked Mutant. For some reason this comic is named for the villain rather than the heroes, who are in the League of Good Guys. Despite having the most generic names ever, apparently this series is the best comic of all time (according to Skipper.) Now which good guys choose to face off against the Masked Mutant? Only the greatest heroes ever like, the Sponge of Steel and the Galloping Gazelle... Wait, why does this kid like this comic again?

So the problem with Skipper is that he isn't even the good kind of nerd. He's not that smart, and is doing pretty poorly in school. His little sister Mitzi narcs on him for reading his comics instead of doing home work and apparently his dad is not a fan of his son wasting all his time and money on the darn things. But he is a bit of a blow hard it seems, and never follows through with throwing all of them out. Skipper blows through his homework so he can finally get back to the Masked Mutant.

So the Mutant can apparently change his molecules to be anything... except he always has the

same mask. So when he is an octopus grappling with SpongeLife (The Sponge of Steel!) it is a bit of a give away when this mollusk has a mask. The exciting thing about this issue though is that they finally show the headquarters of the Masked Mutant. Oh boy! And it looks like a bright pink fire hydrant! Not just a mutant, but a stylish one too it seems. Naturally the comic book ends in a cliffhanger when it is revealed that the Galloping Gazelle is somehow in the headquarters.

Now, because Skipper is a nerd, he wears braces. He has to get them adjusted so he takes the bus (which he has to chase after.) He meets a fellow comic book collector on the bus named Libby. The problem is, she doesn't read the good stuff, she reads High School Harry and Beanhead. I assume this is a parody of Archie and Jughead? Regardless, that shit doesn't fly with ol' Skip. In the heated discussion about the lameness of her comics he misses his stop so he gets off as soon as he can only to find a building that looks exactly like the Masked Mutant's lair! Unfortunately he has to get to his Orthodontist so he can't check it out.

The next day at school he talks things over with his best friend Wilson. Unlike Skipper, Wilson collects rubber stamps. Not exactly an investment like comic books, but at least he actually uses the damn things. Wilson's plausible idea is that the artist for the comic saw this weird looking building and went on to model Masked Mutants HQ after it. So later Skipper goes to check the building out again but this time... it's gone. Libby shows up and Skipper gets conned into browsing her Harry and Beanhead collection before going home to find the new issue of the Masked Mutant has arrived. In this issue it is revealed that he has concealed his headquarters... with an invisibility shield! Curious...

Of course he has to go back. Naturally he meets Libby again and convinces her to investigate the vacant lot. The thing is, when they get close enough the building reappears! Libby, however, doesn't seem convinced that something odd is up. It is clearly just one of those cloaking office buildings. Skipper decides to take the elevator up, but it goes down. All the way down to the basement! The kids are a bit scared but after looking around skipper finds a room with art and printing tools for the Masked Mutant. Just when things are starting to make sense he finds a portrait of... himself. Libby wont be convinced of it though. In fact she wont even look at the page. She is committing to leaving, and Skipper joins her.

Later, while Wilson shows off the "best of the best" of his rubber stamps, Skipper tries explaining what happened. The kid didn't quite follow, and Skipper kicked his best friend out so he could think alone. Just then the new episode of the Masked Mutant arrives and guess who is in it as the Mutants new foe? Skipper! He tried to explain this to his folks but like typical parents they didn't listen.

So he heads to the building again. Of course, he has to! No Libby to join him this time. He is all alone, though he hears some strange noises. It's... The Galloping Gazelle! All tied up. He's real! And in trouble! So
the kid unties him and the Gazelle acts like you'd expect a bad comic character to act. He doesn't seem to understand that Skipper has no super human abilities. He needs him to jump a ways, to get past a disintegrater  ray, but Skipper slams right into it. Luckily It wasn't turned on.

Finally they find the Masked Mutant himself. The Gazelle unleashes his brilliant plan of running around in circles really fast. Seriously. Apparently this will create a tornado or something but his plan was foiled by the Mutant Sticking his foot out to trip him. Curses, his only weakness! In true Hero fashion, the Gazelle runs away and leaves a poor defenseless kid to fend for himself. Then Libby shows up and seems oblivious at first until the Mutant moves in for the kill. She pulls out a toy gun she calls a molecule melter, seemingly playing along with the nonsense. But then the Masked Mutant really does melt! It was a real molecule melter! And Libby is really none other than the REAL Masked Mutant Apparently the person he melted was the Magnificent Molecule Man, one of his hired goons.

The Masked Mutant tells the boy that he is now a comic book character. When he passed into this lair there was a beam that made him nothing more than ink on a page. So Skipper tries to outsmart the real Masked Mutant. He goes for convincing him that he is Elastic Boy. And Elastic Boys only weakness is sulfuric acid. Oops, he shouldn't have let that slip... or should he? Masked Mutant turns into acid and then sizzles on the floor. It seems he can turn into anything solid, but once he turns liquid he can't turn back! Skipper won! And he doesn't give a shit about comics anymore! Screw the Masked Mutant! The new issue arrives and he doesn't give a single fuck. Then he accidentally cuts his finger and bleeds... ink. Maybe he should check out that comic book after all...

What I Thought

What, so the super evil Masked Mutant, a grown man of sorts, turns into a little tween girl to hang out with an 11 year old boy? Somehow that seems way more sinister than I think Stine intended. Murdering Skipper would be like the least evil thing he could do! But anyway, I always just straight to the end of the book because that is the first thing in my mind after writing it all up. Lets talk about some other things.

First, since this is a comic book based book, Stine brought up a lot of comics. I find it interesting that he included both real and fake ones. Among the fakes were Penguin People, Silver Swan (there is a Wonder Woman character named this, but it is not the same), Star Wolf, and Z-Squad (X-Men parody?) The real ones mentioned were Captain America and Spawn... Which seems like an odd combo. I find it queer that he mentioned so many fake ones and then threw in real one. Like, I get the Masked Mutant and all those characters associated with it had to be fake. But why throw in stuff like Star Wolf and Silver Swan that seems real but isn't, and then mention Captain America and Spawn. Are those the only 2 comic franchises he is aware of?

Anywho. The comic book aspect was interesting, and unique. After so many monters, mummies, and ghosts, a Super Hero related Goosebumps was kinda fresh. Making Skipper a bit of a tubby nerd was a nice touch. The characters in these books are so seldom unique in any particular way. He even went the extra mile and made him collect comics for worth instead of enjoyment (except the Masked Mutant.) So that would make kids who actually like comic books even think he is a lame wad.

The problem is, making a comic book based story scary. I mean these books are supposed to be scary, sorta, right? So the key is making a good villain I feel. A guy who could turn into anything opens up a lot of possibilities. In fact they had TWO guys who could turn into anything. Besides turning back into a large ferocious feline, they don't use that much at all. The problem with Stine seems to be, once the bad guy shows up he has to end the damn book immediately. Let the kid struggle with things a bit!

The bad guy being Libby was a decent enough twist for a kid's book (though creepy like I have stated.) But then you have stamp collecting Wilson who is pretty much unnecessary to the story. He only exist to prove that Skipper has a friend, and to show off alternate hobbies in stamp collecting.

So, a book like this... It kinda makes me wish I could read a better version of this book. A world in which a Super Hero and Villain are real, but only known to one particular kid opens up so many possibilities! It seems like Stine really only goes for the laziest ones though. Kids have a heck of an imagination. They could have done so much more with this book!

Still, I gotta judge it for what it is. It is unique in its theme amongst Goosebumps books, and maybe that is enough.

Rating: 2 out of 5 super villains

Up Next

My Hairiest Adventure. It's about a kid who gets hairy... or something. I seem to recall the kid using some sort of potion or something to get hairy. I mean, I assume he doesn't want to be hairy on purpose, it backfires or something? I don't know, we'll see!

Also, apparently they made a PC Game based on Attack of the Mutant. I never played it as a kid. I never even knew it existed. Now, however, I want to play it. I mean, who wouldn't want to play it? I can't imagine it will be any good. Still, how can I not be enticed? I have no idea if I can actually find a copy, but if I do I promise to let you know how it goes.

Until next time!

#24 Phantom of the Auditorium

Sorry I haven't updated in so long. Christmas brought with it a whole slew of big person type books that I have been busy reading and I haven't made the proper time for some Goosebumpy goodness.Never fear though! I am back.

Judging a Book by its Cover

Here is the Phantom of the Auditorium... And a beer. Because sometimes when you read Goosebumps you need a nice refreshing adult beverage to remind yourself that you are in your late 20s and reading a kids book.

Anyway, if there was 1 word I would use to describe this cover it would be, "Purpley." There is purpleishness all over it. The phantom is wearing purple. There is a pinkish curtain behind him. The Goosebumps slime logo is purple and pink. Purple all over.

The titular phantom seems pretty much as you would expect. Not terribly frightening, but a bit mysterious. He is wearing white gloves that seem a bit more "snow shoveling gloves" than proper thin gentlemanly gloves. Perhaps the phantom store was all out of proper attire.

The taglines that I so look forward too aren't anything to special. On front it reads "He's out to stop the show... for good!" The back is a little more clever with, "Lights... Curtain... Phantom?" Ultimately what I am looking for in a tag is a good ol' terrible pun. Anything short of that and I'm going to be let down.

So I guess the most obvious thing this whole book is in reference to is Phantom of the Opera. Have they taken that and middle school-ified it? Is it completely unrelated to it? I wouldn't know because I've never seen any version of Phantom of the Opera. My sister really liked the sound track to it when she was in high school though!

Now lets get down to business.

Getting Goosebumps

This time around the main protagonist is tween Brooke and her sidekick Zeke. Zeke commonly refers to her as "Brookie." If anyone else called her that she'd probably throw a tantrum, or whatever it is that middle school kids do when they are upset. Zeke gets away with it, however, because they are total BFFs. It must be hard to be friends with Zeke though as he is a bit of a prankster. By the end of the first chapter he had almost convinced Brooke with a fake note that she was suspended from school. Contrary to being in trouble, she, along with her pal were chosen by Mrs. Walker to be the leads in the school play "The Phantom."

Now about the play. You see it's no ordinary play. It's play... with a curse! Like a tween Macbeth I guess? Anyway, the story is that the play was written years ago just for the middle school to preform but as it was about to start the boy playing the phantom went missing. They looked for hours to find him to now avail. As the teacher went on to announce the play couldn't go on there was a horrible scream! The boy was never seen or heard from again. Until now, oh god it's the phantom in the auditorium already so early in this book! Or it's Zeke with another one of his hysterical jokes. What a cut up. He isn't the only phantom though. Suddenly Mrs. Walker the play director vanished! Rather than playing a practical joke she fell down the trap door that was made for the phantom to mysteriously rise from. After getting rescued from the pit she makes it clear that she doesn't want any of the kids monkey with the trap door. I am sure they will obey, they seem like well behaved kids.

They immediately mess around with the trap door. The kids find out that it goes even lower than the previously thought but it is too dark down there to explore where it ends up. Unfortunately for them it wont be easy for them to get back up since they can't see if there are any controls down in the dark. They start a fight and in the struggle they bump a lever to bring them back up. Let that be a lesson kids, if you ever need to find a solution to your problem just start a fight with your best friend. At the top they are startled to be greeted by a strange man with a scarred face. He is Emile the night janitor. He gives them a stern talking to and they head home.

The next day at school there is a new kid named Brian. He seems really interested in acting and is bummed to find out he didn't make it in time to try out for The Phantom. Brooke convinces him to come to rehearsal and see if he could get a small part or something. Before class starts Brooke had to go out quick and grab her book. In her locker is Zeke's mask with a note that says "Stay away from my home sweet home." But Brooke isn't freaked out. Zeke, however, claims not to have anything to do with it. At play rehearsal new kid Brian gets put on the scenery crew. Also the phantom appears again and escapes down the trap door. Oh Zeke! But outside Brooke sees him in his mom's car and he swears it wasn't him because he had to leave early for a dentist appointment. Seems like a pretty good alibi...

So I haven't had a chance to bring her up yet because she's not a very important character but there is bitch named Tina that goes to school with these girls. She is rooting for Brooke to fail because she is her understudy.  She is also pretty bossy as head of the scenery crew. It doesn't help that Brooke has stage fright and totally loathes Tina. It's so much pressure. But for real, Tina is a bitch. I am comfortable with calling a fictional 12 year old girl a bitch. Deal with it.

Anywho, at rehearsal Brooke is accosted by phantom Zeke. Wait no, Zeke still isn't the god damned phantom! He is off to the side of the stage. Then who came up from the trap door? Whoever it is, he is telling them all to, "Stay away from my home sweet home!" Zeke is convinced there is a real phantom but skeptical Brooke still thinks somehow Zeke is still up to it all. To further add to the mystery, when Zeke looks for his missing math book and mentions the Janitor Emile, the secretary says no such man works there. Oooooo!

Well good ol' Zeke getting all the blame can't take it anymore and tells Mrs. Walker that there must be a real phantom. She is unconvinced and thinks she just scared the kids by telling them the tale of the the origins of the play. To convince her Zeke, Brooke, and Brian break into school after hours to search the auditorium. All they found was the backdrop unfurling to reveal it had been vandalized with the words, "Stay away from my home sweet home!" At least this phantom is consistent with his message! Naturally Mrs. Walker came in right as it unfurled and assumes the kids did it. Their pleas of innocence almost sway her until she sees a paint trail dripping to Zeke's locker. In the end only he gets kicked out of the play and the other two can stay. When Brooke leaves the school she sees Tina on her bike. What a bitch. Maybe she is the culprit?

Even with Zeke gone the practical jokes continue. Mrs. Walker's script gets all its pages glued together and she cancels the play. Fortunately she calms down and changes her mind. But shit is tense yo. Determined to prove his innocence still Zeke and gang return to the scene of the crime armed with flashlights. They go down to the very bottom of the trapdoor pit and find a little room complete with furnishings and freshly poured cereal begging to sog. What kind of a Phantom eats cereal? Emile! He shows himself and demands to know why they didn't heed his warnings. He doesn't understand when they start talking about what happened years ago with the original phantom though. He is just a homeless dude living under the school who doesn't want to be evicted. The kids run away and are saved by Zeke's dad. When the police finally show up Emile is long gone. And there goes the mystery of the phantom.

Well with his good name restored Zeke was able to return to the role as phantom. Well almost. When the phantom showed up from the trap door during the actual performance of the play it wasn't Zeke. He went on to tell the crowd how 70 years ago he was supposed to play the phantom but fell to his death down the trap door. He returned this night to finally play the role meant for him, as he had become a real genuine phantom. Desperate to know who this mystery man was Brooke pulled off his mask, and in the effort to shield his visage from all he fell down the trapdoor AGAIN! The audience thought it was an amazing performance, as did Mrs. Walker, approving of the ad-libs but the kids weren't sure what was going on. The phantom was nowhere to be found beneath the stage. However, in her locker Brooke found a 70 year old year book. The bookmark lead to a page with the picture of... Brian. And here goes the REAL mystery of the phantom.

The end.

Oh and Tina is still a bitch.

What I thought

Pretty good! As usual it is pretty dang formulaic and there isn't a whole lot to talk about that isn't the same for every book. There are things he does over and over again which I suppose is necessary when churning out tons of books for kids. I guess I can talk about these things though.

Having a prankster always makes for fake scares and causes suspicion. Everyone will always think the joker is guilty. It could always be a little better executed however. Kids in these books never think of anything genuinely clever as a prank. Granted real kid pranks are hardly ever clever, but book can be cooler than real life!

A real life thing like a school play as a basis makes for a pretty decent basis of a story like this. Kids can relate. But there are some things that would have probably been done if this was a better book by a better author. Brooke has really bad stage fright. There is a freaking phantom on the loose and shit is going down. You would think he could use her stage fright for an interesting development but all does is fuel Tina's bitch-fires.

Like many (but not all) of these stories there is a red herring. This one, however, was pretty good. The misdirection towards Emile worked better than most attempts like it by Stine. Actually, if you think about it, a transient living underneath the school may be even creepier than an actual phantom. I know everyone I know would be pretty freaked out by a homeless guy under the auditorium. Weird. But he is caught and there is little enough left to think that maybe just maybe that is all there was to the story. The revelation that it was Brian was relatively obvious but not positively certain and for a kid probably not that obvious at all. The biggest give away was that Zeke's dog barked at him. Dogs fucking hate ghosts. I don't know why. I guess you can't get mad a Goosebumps for using cliches. Kids don't even know what cliches are.

Ultimately I feel like maybe this isn't the most memorable Goosebumps book, but it is one of the better ones. Frankly some of the more memorable ones kind of suck. Better to be forgettable decent than memorable shitty I suppose!

Rating: 4 out of 5 masks

Up Next!

Attack of the Mutant! This one has a guy that looks like a super hero (or villain) on the cover. Dude has a cape and everything! I seem to recall that it does pertain to comic books somehow, but that's really all I've got. Once again a book I read 20 years ago wields very little memories. Alas. But I am sure it will be awesome and I promise to have it to you more promptly than I did with this entry. Until next time!

#23 Return of the Mummy

Judging a Book by its Cover

Didn't get enough mummy in Curse of the Mummy's Tomb? Well now we have a returned mummy. Where the previous book's cover had merely a mummy on the cover, this book coming out of the sarcophagus. I definitely had to use spell check to spell sarcophagus. It's not a word that pops up in day to day usage. Anyway, sarcophagi are pretty cool looking so it makes for a neat cover. We can only see the mummy's hands emerging... well that and some stink mist. Stink doesn't have a visual component but I guess you gotta get the concept of odor across somehow. I wonder how much a mummy stinks though... I mean I get dead bodies rot and smell but this dead bodies is thousands of years old. I bet it smells a little musty at worst. I doubt there is any flesh left to rot. Oh well, it makes for a good looking cover.

Also of note is the color scheme. So often the two tone Goosebumps' ooze logo seems just randomly pick but here the blue green goes around quite nicely with the blue toned background and striped sarcophagus. Man I am using the word sarcophagus more than I have in the past 10 years combined here in these few paragraphs!

Now there is a blurb for the Goosebumps Fan Club on the front. Often in the later books there would be blurbs for selling shit. I always wanted to join the fan club but never did. One of life's regrets. You got a hat, pen, autographed RL Stine poster and more for like 10 bucks. How could my mom never have under stood how much I needed that? Oh well. Are fan clubs even still a thing? I feel like the news letters and such that you get from them are now an online thing. I could be wrong about that though.

The taglines are disappointments. No puns. I like puns dammit. The front merely states that he's back from the dead which is pretty obvious from the title of the book and the cover illustration. The back says, "Dead... or alive?" And that is a trick question because it is both! Undead!

Enough about the cover. This was my favorite book growing up (if I remember correctly) and I want to get to reading. I am pretty sure this is a direct sequel with the same characters and everything. Though if memories serves right this isn't a return of THE mummy, as it is a different mummy than involved with the last  book. Speaking of the last book, if you need to get caught up here is my review of Curse of the Mummy's Tomb. Now onto Return of the Mummy!

Getting Goosebumps

As this is a direct sequel we have returning characters! Once again tween Gabe is going to visit his Uncle Ben (once again, not the rice guy) and his daughter Sari as they excavate another pyramid. It's a different pyramid this time so even though it is called Return of the Mummy it is a different mummy. Also despite the undead shenanigans of last time Gabe seems pretty psyched. He has his mummy hand trinket that he carries with him at all times. Last book it woke the mummies from the dead but he seems pretty unsure about it's abilities. Mostly it is just a good luck charm. While last time he went to Egypt with his parents, this time he is going alone to be with Uncle Ben because truly his parents can trust in the "almost lead our son to his early demise" antics of ol' Ben.

So Gabe arrives by plane and immediately is onto Uncle Ben's sense of humor. He is dressed up in robes with a thick accent looking to pick up Gabe in a cab. Nevermind, that's just an Egyptian cabby. Simple mistake to make right? The real Ben arrives with his daughter and immediately Sari and Gabe resume their rivalry. Gabe is slightly sympathetic towards her, however, as he realizes she rarely gets to see her dad due to his studies. Not overly sympathetic though because she is kind of a bitch.

Instead of staying at a hotel this time they are camping right at the dig site.After arriving at the pyramid and Gabe is startled to find a mummy risen from the dead out to get him. Already? Jesus this is only like chapter 3. Oh right, practical joke from their trickster uncle. What a hilarious joke to play on kids that were almost murdered in a tomb last time you saw em. I am sure that's not horribly traumatizing in the slightest. Turns out that was an actor, as the media is there to shoot a commercial. Uncle Ben isn't such a horrible bastard though. He gives his nephew the gift of a scarab trapped in amber. They are said to be good luck for some reason even though one bite from a living scarab would kill you. And now Gabe feels a pinch at his leg. Oh god he's gonna die this early in the book? Or it's yet another prank this time from Sari. Again these tricks would probably be funnier if they didn't almost die in the last book. Maybe I'm just uptight.

Anyway so this time around the tomb in question is believed to belong to Prince Khor-Ru the cousin of King Tut which makes this a pretty major discovery. That is, if it hasn't been pillaged by robbers over the centuries. This importance has caused interest from a beautiful pantsuit wearing reporter named Nila who interrupts the crew as they enter the pyramid. She wants to cover this story and since she is a looker and has supposedly talked with Uncle Ben's partner he allows her to accompany them. She admires Gabe's scarab necklace showing him her own amber necklace that is sadly scarabless.

Now you would think entering a pyramid with a group that all have lights would go somewhat smoothly but somehow almost immediately Gabe gets lost and tumbles into a pit with thousands of spiders. How are those good luck charms working out for you now Gabe? He fears he is also getting attacked by a snake but it's actually a rope to save him. After he shakes off the thousands of spiders he makes sure his mummy hand thingy survived the fall. Oddly Nila seems to recognize it as "The Summoner." While the others move on Gabe sees The Summoner's fingers move. Creepy! After this whole fiasco they give up because they "explored enough." Explored enough? you were in there for like 10 seconds for Gabe got his stupid ass covered in spiders!

Two days later they get back into the pyramid for some excavating. As they are working to open the tomb they hear a bellowing, "PLEASE LET ME REST IN PEACE!" but alas it still isn't a real mummy woken from the dead, it's just Dr. Fielding who is Uncle Ben's partner. He believes there is a curse on the tomb. Hieroglyphics say if you repeatean ancient Egyptian phrase 5 times you will wake Prince Khor-Ru and feel his wrath. As a man of science Ben isn't swayed and his partner refuses to witness it and leaves. After chiseling away at the entry they reveal the tomb full of splendorous... nothing. But there is a seal to another room. They chip away and finally enter that one revealing the real resting place of the Prince. It is filled with jewels, treasures, and a sarcophagus containing the prince's mummy. The celebration is short lived, however, because 4 police officers from Cairo show up. They were sent by Dr. Fielding who has apparently changed his mind about the find and just wants to "protect" it.

Later that night Nila cons Uncle Ben into telling her the words that supposedly wake the prince from the dead, "Teki Kahru Teki Kahra Teki Khari." So if you at home want to raise the dead, now you know. I think Ben just told her because he wants to get in her pants and what better way than revealing an ancient curse? He is one smooth operator. Since Gabe was present for the reveal too he decides to try and get back at Sari for all the pranks by reciting the curse for her. Doing so freaks her out, but I think it also scares him a bit as well. To further add to the scare Dr. Fielding busts in right after they finish the curse. He needs to see Sari's father urgently! Suspicious, the kids follow him and see him gruffly push Uncle Been into the pyramid and then leave abruptly past the kids without even acknowledging them. Weird.

Well the kids get some lights and enter the pyramid. The follow footprints to the tomb and see that the
sarcophagus is now closed. They open it revealing Ben inside. But if he is in there then where is the mummy? Alive and out to get them! And for real alive this time, none of this prank shit. Gabe's uncle is unconscious in the casket and the kids run into an empty room where they discover Nila. Instead of being a source of help she is the cause of the problem! She is not merely Nila but PRINCESS Nila, the mummy's sister and she stole Gabe's Summoner to raise her sibling from the dead. She tells the mummy to murder the children to eliminate the witnesses but in some sort of ancient sibling rivalry (or a desire to be left in peace) the mummy attacks Nila. In a chaotic panic Gabe accidentally rips off her amber pendant and drops to the floor. The princess disappears and a scarab scurries away in her place. Apparently through some magic kept herself alive all these years by turning into a scarab at night. Anyway I guess with his summoner a scarab or whatever, the mummy stops moving and Uncle Ben finally regains consciousness. Dr. Fielding returns with the police. Apparently he was a good guy after all and was just in a panic earlier.

Finally Gabe has the chance to brag to Sari since he saved the day. She, however, points out the Nila is still out there as a deadly scarab and she is probably out to get him. A moment later in bed Gabe screams, "OUCH!"

THE END.

What I Thought

I remember this book! Many times reading things I find it hard to fathom that I had ever read it before I remember nothing. Sometimes things come back to me as I was reading but this one I remembered a fair amount pretty early on. I didn't remember specifically that Nila was the mummy's sister but I did remember she was the bad guy. I have long remembered that this was my favorite Goosebumps book growing up and my actual memory of the plots seems to confirm it. I seem to remember having a mummy phase at some point in my life. I am not sure if this book caused it, or if I just liked this book because I read it during this phase.

So anyway, Goosebumps tend to be split between books that happen at home in every day life of a kid or books where kids go away to a location to get spooked. While the first option can be scary in it's own way I think I tend to find the latter more interesting. I've been at home, to school, etc. I have never been to a pyramid and reading about a kid going there is exciting! That isn't to say I wish all the Goosebumps were like this but perhaps that I tend to lead towards them.

Now I was worried rereading this. I didn't remember which mummy one I liked so much and the first book disappointed me. This one however I feel pretty favorably towards. I feel like it is just better written. There is more focus on one specific mummy which is good. Also Gabe doesn't summon it randomly like in the last book it's part of Nila's devious plan. And her plan isn't immediately obvious to the young. She seems like on of the "Good Guys" Pretty ladies don't have devious plans!

Of course this book has plenty of holes. It's a Goosebumps book! In true horror b-movie fashion it seems like the characters have all forgotten everything about the previous book. Gabe seems surprised his mummy hand summons mummies WHEN IT ALREADY SUMMONED MUMMIES. Also what's the deal with Nila? So she's like thousands of years old and just now happens to show up to revive her brother? Shouldn't she have known where he was buried this whole time? Couldn't she have tried this any other time during the past several thousand years? Also how did she not know the curse when it was written in the hieroglyphics? She should speak ancient Egyptian because she literally is an ancient Egyptian. I also don't completely understand why her brother attacked her. I guess he really just wanted to be left in peace, even by his sister? You think she woulda known about this.. But still, these are nitpicks in a series you can't really nitpick with. It's for kids. I am sure 8 year old me didn't think about this shit.

Really though, despite its flaws it may be my favorite Goosebumps book again. The setting is fun. The rivalry between cousins and the prankster uncle make for some decent false scares. It seems like it got into things quicker than the previous book. Also there is less ridiculous bullshit than the earlier one. I recall rolling my eyes a lot at Curse and not so much at Return. It's the rare sequel that improves the series.

Rating: 4 scarabs out of 5 (also did you know scarabs are a kind of dung beetle? DUNG!)

Next!

Phantom of the Auditorium. Presumably it will be based on Phantom of the Opera. A least very loosely based. I don't remember much about this book off the top of my head but I am pretty sure this was one of the first Goosebumps I read in 1 sitting. The idea of reading these books in one sitting now seems laughably easy but back in the day it took a little bit longer to get through. I plowed through it in one day however. I don't know why I remember that, but I do. So we shall see if any of the plot comes back to me as I'm reading it or if is entirely unfamiliar. Next time!

Give Yourself Goosebumps #2: Tick Tock, You're Dead!

Happy Halloween! Instead of doing the next in line of the regular Goosebumps series I decided to do another one of the Give Yourself Goosebumps books. These are Choose Your Own Adventure style books, where it gives you choices of which direction to take almost always resulting in death. Fun, right?

Judging a Book by its Cover

Tick Tock, You're Dead! It's going to be about time travel. There are no other options. It is a scary clock with a kid hanging from one of the hands. Here is the thing about scary clocks, they aren't scary. No one is concerned about a clock being out to get them. The only way they have to make a clock scary is if it can magically send you elsewhere in time. That does open up a lot of options. It could send you back to get devoured by dinosaurs, or forward to be conquered by aliens. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not about time travel. But I doubt it.

Like other books in the series this cover has a shiny, reflective surface which is cool. Kids are easily swayed by shiny things. Hey, even as an adult I look at it and think, "Ooo shiny!" It also boasts 20 different endings. That seems cool until you realize 18 or 19 result in your untimely death. Oh well, reader beware it's time for me to choose the scare!

Getting Goosebumps

Now as per last time I am not going to read exhaustively through every option this book has to offer. I don't think it's in the spirit of things, and it's also not very fun. Especially not fun to read. Likewise I think only reading through once will probably result in a short "and then I died." So I am going to read 3 paths through this book to give a couple options of what can happen. Here goes!

1

We begin with a warning not to read this book straight through. You must look at the choices at the bottom
of each page and turn to them accordingly. Anyway it seems that I am in the Museum of Natural History when my little brother Denny runs off alone. While searching for him I find a Dr. Peebles who is described as "Strange." He says I can test his time machine, because obviously the way scientists test time machines is via random kids who wander into their lab. I get the option to search for Denny or travel in time. Like a wiener I choose to look for my brother and the book rewards my sense of responsibility by making fun of me and picking again. I guess I will travel in time! Except before I have the chance to test out the machine Denny runs into it like a brat! Where, or when has he gone? I have an arbitrary 2 hour time limit to find him before he becomes lost FOREVER.

I have the option of looking for him in the future or the past. I choose the past in hopes I can see some freakin' dinosaurs! I enter the machine and eventually two paths appear before me. One with a knight, and one with a dinosaur. As we have already established I am gonna big the freakin' dinosaur! It turns out Denny loves dinosaurs which of course I knew and did not go for purely selfish reasons. There are dinosaur all over the swamp happily munching on shrubbery when the ground begins to shake and I am faced with a T-rex. It savagely rips off the head of another dinosaur before it notices me and begins chasing me. On the plus side however it is then that I find Denny. On the negative side, he is stuck in quick sand. After struggling with him I manage to yank him out but the chronometer that can send is back to the present comes off and sinks in the muck. The dinosaur closes in. Do I scramble to find the chronometer or run the eff away from ol' T-rex?

I figure finding the chronometer can send us back and I couldn't outrun a T-rex so I better search for it as quick as I can! Denny searches too. The tyrannosaurus faces us and lets out a huge terrifying sound. A burp, apparently. And how does a dinoburp kill you? Well it apparently knocks me into the quicksand... somehow. Denny and I sink down...down...down. THE END.

2 

Once again I meet Dr. Peebles and must find my brother Denny somewhere in time. Something tells me that maybe I should try finding him in the future. I step into the Chronoport and the doctor tells me there is one thing I must remember but then he is gone. I see before me a fancy futuristic looking city complete with flying cars. There is also a city that looks a lot like New York. I recognize the Empire State Building and the World Trade Center so it must be pre 2001 (boo! too soon!) I think I see Denny there and also I am curious to see when this New York is so I choose that. After looking around a bit I see a newspaper that lets me know I am in the future... 1 day in the future. What a bummer! I am almost about to pull out my chronometer when something startles me... but what?

...It's me! And my family! Future us are walking into the street about to be hit by a truck! I can use my chronometer to try and stop it. Do I go back and try and stop my family from going into the street, or to try and stop the driver. I figure I might as well try and stop my family. They'd listen to me... right? I go back in time 15 minutes. But do I want to distract them, or warn them? Distract them! I devise a cunning plan to toss money out for everyone to create a distraction. Time-traveling Denny joins me, and future me and Denny are delighted to watch. The truck speeds by them. I've successfully saved us. But now I need to get Denny to come back with me in time and he is being a real butt. Do I use my words and try and get him to come back or do I take him by force?

I try to force him but he runs off and of course runs smack into his future double. Tired of his shenanigans I grab both of them and hit the chronometer. Both of them follow me back in time. Now I have two little brothers. I saved his life, but my own is ruined! Oh no! THE END.

3

Ok this time, into the past but knights instead of dinosaurs. Sound like a plan? Surely now I will be able to save Denny and not have a future copy of him to annoy me in the present. I search for the night to a drawbridge over a moat. It is then that the Knight charges me with lance lower. Do I face him, or do I jump into the moat (though I am not a strong swimmer.) I figure if I gotta go out, I shouldn't go out like a bitch. I face the night. The solider informs me that this is king Ruthbert's castle. I must beat his challenge or else become food for the crocodiles in the moat. Good thing I didn't jump in the moat. I get to pick my weapon. I automatically choose the club because I have a plan. We will hit apples like they were baseballs and see whose goes the furthers in some sort of medieval home-run derby. Apparently now I (the reader) must flip 2 coins to see what happens. I have to have coins now? I though I just had to pick pages! No one told me I had to come to this book equipped with coins. Well damn.

Home Run!

Anyway, one heads, one tails, turn to page 116. I smash my fruit like Gallagher, while his apple hit bounces down in front of him. According to the rules he must now jump into the moat. Before he willingly kills himself for some sort of honor he tells me to beware the lair. I'll get right on that, crazy dead guy. I enter the castle which seems eerie and empty. Then all the candles go out and I hear a scream! I should probably turn back, but what if that yell of terror was from my little brother? I must go on. But to the throne room or the lair? Well I was specifically told to avoid the lair, so I pick throne room. The king is sitting around with his knights and ladies and takes me to be a spy for King Henry. I notice Denny sitting right next to King Ruthbert! Apparently he has addopted him as his son, because that is a sensible thing to do with children that appear out of nowhere. My brother is no help and demands I be boiled in oil. The only thing that can help me is if it is my lucky day. Is today even or odd? Odd... Odd indeed.

So... I am being sentenced to be boiled in oil but I have a plan. I tell the king I have something that belongs to Denny hoping I can hand him the chronometer and send us forward in time. My plan fails though and I go plummet to the hot oil, pushing the button myself. I return without Denny. I count this as a win. The bastard tried to boil me in oil. Also know my family can sue the Museum for millions due to losing their son. Not just a win, a WIN WIN. THE END.

What I Thought

These books are so hard to have complete thoughts on. Any criticism comes more as a criticism towards these choose your own way books than the actual writing in them. Here is the thing about them, they are a fun little gimmick for kids, but ultimately they are unsatisfying. It is because instead of 1 solid decent story we are treating to over 20 tiny stories, most of which end poorly. If someone actually fleshed out these books so there were 20 lengthy well written stories in them, they might not be looked upon so poorly. But if you were gonna write 20 well done long stories, you would make them into 20 separate books and make 20 times the money.

Comments on the actual contents of the book though... This one is decidedly more sci-fi compared to the previous Carnival of Horrors... horrors. It was truly more based on horror convention while this used the time travel trope. It does lead to a lot of options. Just with my 3 read throughs I had plenty of variation. I saw dinosaurs, knights, and the present day. If I had read one more I probably seen what the future city was all about. That's pretty cool. But I can't help but think bigger is better. If there was even more too it, how cool would that be? I think the kid in me thinks that most of all.

My favorite one of the 3 I did was probably the Knights. Dinosaurs are awesome, but relatively little happened with them. The knights on the other hand let me best a warrior, and deal with my bratty bro. I know I was supposed to be sorry to leave him behind but he literally tried to kill me. What an asshole. That is what made it fun though.

While I am not a huge fan of the medium, this did as good a job as any at entertaining me.

Rating: 3 out of 5 clocks

Up Next

The next Give Yourself Goosebumps book is Trapped in Bat Wing Hall. I don't own it. I probably wont ever own it unless someone feels like purchasing it for me off my wish list... here http://amzn.com/w/6REQ148ZCYQI 

Yes, I am shameless. But really I don't expect anyone to buy it for me. Still if you'd like to, there is the option.

Happy Halloween to you and check back soon for your regularly scheduled Goosebumps book Return of the Mummy.

#22 Ghost Beach

Judging a Book by its Cover

It's Friday the 13 and you know what that means? Absolutely nothing! Here is a super special* (*Specialness has not been independently verified) Terror of Youth entry for Ghost Beach. Here we have Ghost Beach boldly depicted as a ghost... at the beach. Actually it's a beach cemetery, which seems like a bad place to have a cemetery. Do the corpses wash out at high tide? The ghost is a bit of a grim reapery looking ghost. It's got a nice ghost hoodie and is coming out of a tombstone marked from 1642-1732. That is a pretty old ghost by American standards (and I am going to assume like all Goosebumps before it this is set in America.) Let us not forget the full moon behind it all, because the full moon is the spookiest moon. Crescent moon? That shit is hardly spooky at all.

Now this ghost is clearly disobeying the front tagline which reads, "No swiming, no surfing, no haunting." Now this spirit is clearly haunting but I personally would like to see it surf and haunt at the same time. Like, totally gnarly there spooky dude! Cowa-BOOnga! ...Moving on, the back tagline is a total disappointment. "Do you believe in ghosts?" Jeeze, bring on a bad pun or something!

Overall, not the most memorable cover, but I suppose there is only so much you can do with ghosts. It's adequate, but I feel like the more unique covers stand out better. That is probably true of the stories themselves as well. Will this just be a generic haunting? Or a spooktacular beach party? Wait 30 minutes after eating before reading on!

Getting Goosebumps

This book begins by throwing us in the midst of Jerry and Terri, siblings that are 12 and 11. Which one is the older one? Does it matter? Not really. What does matter is that they are in a graveyard looking at tombstones when suddenly green hands start bursting up out of the ground! Wow, what an exciting and unexpected way to start out the bo... and oh wait, it's a dream isn't it? Yep, it is. Goddammit. Not only is it a dream, but it is a MEMORY of a dream that Jerry had a month ago. At least we got the dream scare out of the way.

In reality Jerry and Terri Sandler are visiting their distant cousins Brad and Agatha somewhere in the vague vicinity of New England. These cousins are a bit on the elderly side of things but seem nice enough. While noticing a spooky old cave on the beach the kids are startled by a bat. A bat-kite that is. 3 other children were flying it, and guess what? Their last names are all Sandler too! Strange... There is oldest boy Sam, a bit younger Louisa, and youngest of all Nat. They share the tale of a ghost that lives in the bat-kite-cave. It seems he comes out on the full moon. Is he the ghost of a werewolf? Undetermined.

This is either indian pipe or a dog skeleton.

Later on Terri decides to engage in one of her many hobbies. She goes looking for wildflowers with her brother, and while looking for some indian pipe they instead find a dog skeleton. Almost the same thing. A howling comes from the distance. This dog's ghost come for revenge? Or the 3 Sandlers. I'll give you a hint, it's the latter. Their theory is the cave ghost did it. Dogs can tell when there is a ghost out and they bark. The ghost must have killed him to shut him up. Sam used this as a means to spook Jerry n' Terri again, but it seems he may actually believe these tales about the ghost. They talked to Brad n' Agatha about it, but they poo-pooed the idea of a beach-cave-ghost.

The next day on the beach the kids are looking for stuff in tide pools when the Sandler 3 show up again. Jerry n' Terri do their best to get more ghost info out of em. Seems it is a 300 year old ghost that cleans its victims to the skeleton. No one has ever seen it but at night you can see a weird flicker of light in the cave. Jerry remains unconvinced but Terri is having her doubts. I mean how else could you explain a dead thing in the forest and a unconfirmed light in a cave? Irrefutable evidence. They leave the beach as night rolls around but forget a towel there. Jerry heads back to find it and sees the mysterious cave light. Terri comes up from behind him for the "hand on the shoulder that is spooky but from someone innocent scare." He explains about the light, but it's gone when Terri looks. The ghost must be bashful around girls.

The next day's activities started out with another of Terri's hobbies, bird watching but the siblings meets up with the Sandler 3 who are fishing. The ghost light is discussed and the trio acts a bit weird. The fact that they show up everywhere and are so concerned about that cave make me wonder if it is they who are in fact ghosts.The old cousins Brad n' Agatha act weird when they talk to them about it too. Brad claims the light was just the aurora borealis... because the northern lights... come from a cave... or something. Bold claim from me here, I think both the 3 kid Sandlers and the elderly Sandlers are ghosts. Perhaps trying to add some more ghost Sandlers to their ranks. Maybe they'll kill Adam Sandler next and we wont have to endure his terrible movies. Nah, he'll probably make movies from beyond the grave.

To try and prove me wrong (about my ghost theory and not my Adam Sandler theory) the kids go and enter the cave. First they get startled by a colony of bats. Then they get scared by creepy old man surrounded by candles. Could he be the ghost? They don't stick around to find out. Which is probably is a sound idea. At best he is a weird old man in a cave. That usually doesn't mean good things. I recommend avoiding all cave dwellers whether they be alive or undead. Safe at home, the kids decide not to tell their old cousins about their adventures. They wouldn't believe in the ghost and would just get mad the kids went there.

That night there is a tap at the window. Not a ghost tap though, don't worry, just a tap from the 3 Sandlers. Once again they discuss ol' cave ghost. Apparently the ghost wants to kill them all? How they know this? No clue. We are just going to assume that if it is indeed a ghost it has sinister motives. Sounds reasonable. Anyway apparently there is a way to stop it, but they are going to have to work together. They agree to meet the next day, but it is raining so Jerry n' Terry can't get out until it stops in the afternoon. They looked for 3 ghost obsessed (and possibly ghost being) kids on the beach, but they were no where to be found. To lighten their minds from all this ghost business they do something cheerful. They make rubbings of tombstones. It is another of Terri's hobbies. What a nice normal thing for an 11 year old to be interested it. Something is strange at the cemetery though... it looks like all the people there are Sandlers... and there are tombstones with the names of all 3 of the other Sandler kids. They died at the ages those kids are now. My really "all the other Sandlers are ghosts" theory has some proof now! They talked to the elderly Sandlers about it. It turns out that the Sandlers were a very large family that tried to start a colony but had almost all of them die. The surviving Sandlers are kin of those, and were named after their ancestors. In fact even Agatha and Brad were named after ancestors. You will find tombstones for them out there as well. But mostly because THEY ARE GHOSTS. The kids are reassured however, even if I am not.

Finally all the Sandler kids meet up and discuss what to do about creepy cave man who is believed to be a ghost but probably is not. Apparently the cave is a sanctuary that the ghost cannot leave as long as it is sealed up. The plan is to have the trio of ghosts kids distract the cave inhabitant while Jerry n' Terri push large rocks down in front of the entrance. Apparently the 3 ghosts kids haven't done this themselves because they are "too scared."  Their plan isn't execute exactly the best. Instead of trapping him inside, the 3 ghosts kids run away as he comes out and grabs Jerry n' Terri. He explains that he is yet another Sandler who came here to study his ancestors and ghosts, and that he discovered his ancestors are ghosts. Those 3 kids out there, according to him (and me) are ghosts. Jerry n' Terri remain unconvinced. I mean come one, this guy is creepy. Little kids aren't creepy. He must be the ghost! In the ultimate in ghastly before he... lets them go. He tells them to check out the graveyard though, claiming it will finally convince them. They figure he just knows there are graves with the three ghosts kids' names on them but it turns out there are fresh graves. Graves for Jerry and Terri Sandler!

And because the 3 ghosts kids all the god damn time, they show up again. They all agree to try and slay the cave dweller yet again. It starts to storm and they all meet in front of the cave. Mr. Cave Dude comes out and confronts them. Who is the real ghost? A german shepherd appears to solve this for us. You see, because ass we earlier established dogs can tell when someone is a ghost. It barks at the 3 ghosts kids ghosts. They confess, explaining how they died too soon in their youth over 300 years ago. They get pushed deeper and deeper into the cave. Their bodies start to fall away in ultra-spooky fashion as the storm rages. Jerry n' Terri ran from the cave in terror. Looking back they witnessed a rock slide. Neither creepy old man nor ghost kids emerged. Old man Sandler gave up his life to stop the ghosts.

Scared, but victorious Jerry n' Terri return to their elderly cousin's home to explain what happened. They have a visitor though, the german shepherd followed them there and wont stop barking at Brad n' Agatha. How unfortunate, the dog revealed the secret that I guessed way earlier in this blog. Brad n' Agatha are ghosts too! Now what are they gonna do with those rascally kids?

The end.

What I Thought

I feel pretty smart! I discovered the plot twist of a book aimed at 9 year olds! Go Me! Seriously though it was a fairly enjoyable read. I like a book with a twist you can figure out versus a book with a random twist just for the hell of it. However, because I knew that both the young and old Sandlers were gonna be ghosts, it annoys me that the encounter with the elder Sandlers wasn't resolved. I know Stine likes to have a quick unresolved twist at the end, but it was just as predictable as the main twist, so it didn't really work. I want to know how the hell the kids dealt with the old ghosts! There were no more caves to trap em in, so what happened? Did they have to call in Egon and Ray?

Anyway... what to discuss... Unlike the previous book, this one is once again in the first person. As a result it feels like sister Terri was more full of a character than Jerry in some ways. People don't describe themselves as much, and when they do it feels weird. It is kind of interesting that different Goosebumps books are in first and third person though. You'd think he'd stick to one or the other for the most part. My personal preference is third person, but the narrative worked here for the most part.

It would be nice if there could be a little more character to the characters. Though Terri has more hobbies and is a little more fleshed out, she is kind of interchangeable with her brother. Besides their ages the ghost trio doesn't have many attributes besides being obsessed with the cave. Old Ghost Sandlers are just typical old people (besides being ghosts.) Creepy old cave guy is just a run of the mill creepy old guy. Nothing is terribly unique, and it could be. It would really help make the story stand out. Instead of being excellent, it is adequate. I guess that is good enough for Goosebumps. Adequate. I realize this is a complaint I make a lot.

The kids visiting their relative stories happen with a fair amount of frequency in Goosebumps and there is a reason. It works, and it can be more interesting. The children have new things and people to discover. They are out of their element. Parents are a major comfort for children. Being away from them even without ghosts present can be a little scary for kids. It's something to play on that works, and that is why Stine keeps coming back to it. As long as he thinks of new situations to put them in each time I suppose I'll give him a free pass to do it.

So, this is a competent book with a twist you can predict but that is part of the fun. It is not as outrageous as some of his books, but there is something to be said for competence over ridiculousness. Frankly as long as they didn't pinch the ghosts to kill them it is fine by me.

Rating: 3 out of 5 ghost-sniffing german shepherds

Up Next

Return of the Mummy starring Brendan Fraser... I mean... Gabe. This is a sequel, and may be my favorite Goosebumps book as a child. I remember loving one of the Mummy ones a lot and the first one wasn't so great on reread so I am hoping this one is extra excellent. Once again, merely looking at the cover I remember almost nothing about the story. Presumably good ol' Uncle Ben will be back. I assume there will be more mummies... Check back next time!

#21 Go Eat Worms!

Judging a Book by its Cover

This book appears to feature grape gummy worms that are spilled all over math homework. Someone is snacking while doing their long division! Seriously though, worms don't look like that do they? This doesn't look scary, or even particularly gross despite the tagline reading, "Homework was never this gross before." But anyway, I get it. It seems a book called Go Eat Worms! is going to heavily feature worms. Will worms actually be eaten, or just be handy study aids? Lets find out!

Getting Goosebumps

Todd is your average suburban, Caucasian, middle school, Goosebumps protagonist. He plays Nintendo, plays pranks on his sister, and is almost never seen without his Raiders cap. His sister claims, "Only grunges wear Raiders hats." Which people in the 90's totally sounded like. And fans of grunge, or "grunges" totally wore Oakland Raiders gear all the time. That definitely wasn't instead way more of a west coast rap thing... But I digress, Todd is pretty much a regular kid... except for his extreme love of worms. He has a tank he keeps them in, in his basement. Whenever it rains out he can be seen out gathering worms, as that is when they come to the surface. Often times Danny, his partner in crime, would be right there with him. Though Danny doesn't share in the worm love, he loves when Todd uses them for practical jokes. Todd's sister Regina and her friend Beth were their usual targets.

Well Todd had all the more reason to collect worms. The school science fair was coming up and naturally a worm based project is just the thing to win the grand prize of a home computer. So during lunch Todd and Danny went out to their favorite worm digging spot behind second base on the baseball diamond. It was all going well until the earth started rumbling! In a panic they ran in to school to warn everyone about the earthquake but no one else felt any shaking what-so-ever. Curious.

Meanwhile Regina and Beth were having lunch and discussing their science project. They're making a large paper mache robin because apparently that passes for a science project. Unable to resist a chance at bugging the crap out the ladies, Todd bets Beth that there is a worm in her chicken soup. When she agrees to the bet, he drops a worm in her soup, because he is a huge dick. Note to all the young readers out there, this will not gain you many friends.

Back onto the subject of the science fair. It turns out schoolmate Patrick is digging up worms in Todd's favorite spot, because he too has a worm based science project. Two worm science projects? THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE! Todd becomes obsessed with Patrick's project. What is he doing? Is it better than my project? How can he be doing a worm project when I am the worm kid? After pestering Patrick about his project turns up nothing he asks Regina. She doesn't know much either, but she gives him Patrick's address so he can investigate himself. The investigation reveals a devil dog that chases Todd and Danny into an abandoned house with a corpse inside. That is actually pretty scary, except the corpse turns out to be a Halloween decoration. The devil dog goes unexplained. Instead of a hell hound the story returns to worms, and getting revenge on Regina for sending them purposely to the wrong address.

The revenge came at the science fair. Regina and Beth's project named Christopher Robin, the big paper mache bird was getting judged when they noticed something strange in the beak... WORMS! What an unpredictable prank coming from the kid who is obsessed with worms. But things didn't work out too well for wormy Todd. His project was a worm house. A model house built with windows where you can see the worms crawling around. I am not sure what is scientific about that, but it didn't matter because guess what Patrick's project was? A mother fuckin' worm sky scraper. So there! Even a worm sky scraper couldn't beat Danny's project though... a partially deflated balloon solar system. Seriously, that is what won. I suppose it probably won because it was the only one with actual scientific content.

Later, when Todd was squabbling with his sister about the previous happenings he decided to show her
something "cool." He cut a worm in half and showed her how both sides kept wiggling. Then he told her the false fact that both sides will continue to live. They wont. Either one or both sides will die. And now you know!
Regardless, Regina points out that the other worms are watching this worm execution of his. Worms don't even have eyes, but sure, they are watching all right. The worms are angry at his careless worm murder Regina claims...

Then the worms started turning up in the darnedest places. First they were in Todd's "grunge" Raiders hat. Then in his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And in his math book. He thought Regina was doing it, but some eavesdropping on Patrick made him think it was his doing. Turns out he was just drawing an unflattering comic staring Todd as a worm. Despite all this chaos with the worms, Todd still went out to the baseball field to dig up more worms. There was more rumbling this time, but he learned to ignore it. His worm love, however, is beginning to wain. I suppose that is natural when they begin to turn on you. They even showed up in his bed that night! And Regina couldn't have done it because she wasn't home! In his hot bath to clear up the bed worms, he encountered more worms. Worms pouring out the faucet. Worms sliding down the walls. Worms covering him up, pulling him down into the water. Nevermind, it was a dream. Only the bath worms that is. The rest of the worms were real.

Finally, Todd is determined to get to the bottom of it. He sneaks down into the basement to view his worm tank and wait for something to happen. Something does. His dad goes down there with a baseball bat thinking Todd is an intruder. Understandable upset, dad proclaims that this worm nonsense is over. Tomorrow they are all going to be dumped into the garden. Now Todd will never figure out how they were getting into everything.

Oh wait. He will. The next day he overhears Regina gloating to Beth about how he'll have to get rid of his worms now. Payback for all the pranks he has played on them with the worms. And Todd was none the wiser the whole time. He was actually beginning to think the worms were actually getting revenge on them. How strange that the whole thing would end up to just be his sister. That's not usually how Goosebumps end up... And it's not really how this one ends because that was a red herring of sorts. Determined to get her back for this, he heads out with Danny to harvest as many worms from the football field as they can. Big ones, little ones. It doesn't matter, he digs them all up. It rumbles some more, but rumbling be damned! Only this time the rumbling resulted in a giant worm the size of a tree trunk bursting out of the ground and wrapping itself tight around Todd, trying to squeeze the life out of him. It just so happened that his sister and Beth were walking by with their large science fair robin as this was happening. It cast a large shadow by the worm which then relented and retreated back into its hole to escape the giant bird. Of course the girls didn't
actually see this, and refused to be scared by his story...

Well in the end Todd understandable lost his interest in worms. He became more interested in butterflies. He would pin specimens into his new collection... Until giant butterfly showed up with a huge pin, ready for revenge! The end.

What I Thought

I really wish the internet could shed some light on RL Stine and ghost writers. Most people assume he used them, because he churned out so many freaking books, but there are no details. I thought about that while reading this because for some reason the first half felt ever so slightly different tonally than other Goosebumps. I can't quite put my finger on why. It had many marks of the standard Goosebumps. There were dream scares, screaming without making a sound, nintendos, average tweens, but still Todd felt a little different. Maybe it was due to his obsession. These characters so rarely get personality traits, but his worm lust helped actually defined him. Was this a ghost written book? Did it come straight from Stines pen? I may never know.

Lets go over some other things about this book. For one, it relied on the grossness of worms far more than "scares." There wasn't any grabbing someone from behind to startle. There weren't a lot of "scary" pranks, mostly "eww worms." The only real scares besides the predictable worm dream and the big reveal at the end were the demon dog and the dead body decoration. The body was pretty good, but the dog felt really out of place. There was a whole lot of relying on people finding worms gross though. Plus the titled delivered, a worm was eaten!

Now the big scare at the end. The giant worm appeared and was dealt with quickly. Many times dealing with the villain or monster or what have you will take a couple (albeit short) chapters. This was over and done with in basically one. Big worm appears, squeeze Todd, get scared away. Because people weren't necessarily anticipating this as the worms appearing everywhere was featured far more than the rumbling it worked pretty effectively. Now naturally the way they got rid of it was kind of silly, but a lot more plausible than a lot of stuff Stine has tried, except for one fact that he already pointed out. WORMS DON'T HAVE EYES! How did it see the bird's shadow? BAM! I just punched a huge whole in the plot of a book for 10 year olds. Eat it RL Stine!

Still though, I enjoyed it. His sister didn't turn
out to be an alien, or a ghost, or a monster, or a robot. He didn't pinch the giant worm to make it go away. It was a little different, and a great deal of fun. The main story was a feud between siblings, with a giant worm thrown in for good measure and how could you go wrong with that?

Rating: 4 out of 5 worms

Never Before Done Book Suggestion:

I've never done this before, but I'd like to suggest another book to go along with this. If the notion of eating worms is intriguing to you, after checking out this book perhaps you'd like to try out How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell. It's a book I remember from my youth and though it has nothing to do with Goosebumps or RL Stine, reading Go Eat Worms! brought up memories of this book as well. If you've never read it, give it a shot.

Up Next!

Ghost Beach! Once again, I remember nothing about this book. I swear I read all these Goosebumps as a kid but remembering is hard. I guess they are mostly forgettable. Fun. But forgettable. Will a bikini clad ghost bop a beach ball around? I guess we'll find out next time.