#11 The Haunted Mask

Judging a Book by Its Cover

Now we arrive at The Haunted Mask. I recall this being one of the "big ones" when it comes to Goosebumps. This is one that stands out as a favorite in a lot of people's mind. The cover has the titular mask, which reminds me a bit of the Green Goblin from Spiderman. Maybe if the Green Goblin mated with an Orc from Warcraft...

The front tag reads "If looks could kill," which is just the kind of popular turn of phrase I'd expect on one of these covers. The back line, "Face to face with nightmare" is a little less punchy, but it works. I still wonder who churns out these things. Did they hire a guy who writes for movie posters? Who knows. Regardless, lets see what kind of shenanigans this overall wearing girl gets into!

Getting Goosebumps

The generic preteen star of this story is Carly Beth who discusses with her best friend Sabrina their plans for Halloween costumes. It turns out ironically that Carly Beth, not Sabrina wants to be a witch. This causes a bit of disbelief, because witches are scary and Carly Beth extremely easily scared. Last week her friends Chuck and Steve scared her witless by convincing her there was a ghost in the attic. Why, during school lunch with Sabrina she shrieked in terror just because someone dropped their lunch trey.

Steve and Chuck have gone to further lengths to harass their friend however. For example, one of them gave Carly Beth a free turkey sandwich for lunch that had a real live worm in it. For one, that isn't so much scary as gross. For two, who remains friends with dicks like that? Have some self esteem and find yourself better pals Carly Beth!

Though her friends seem to lack much kindness towards her, her family is another story. Her mom seems to love her a great deal. She even made her a duck costume for Halloween. Of course, Carly Beth wants to be something frightening and unless you suffer from orinthophobia that's probably not going to cut it. A duck costume isn't the only product of her mother's love though, she also made her a strikingly realistic plaster of Paris sculpture of Carly Beth's head. Moderately creepy, but its the thought that counts, right?

So, you remember how I just mentioned that Carly Beth got a duck costume and that it's not very scarey? Well, her little bastard of a brother snuck off and dressed up in it so he could jump out and startle her. It even actually worked, thus proving exactly how easily frightened she can be. All this being scared is eating her up, and she desires nothing more than to be the scariest thing ever for Halloween. She'll be the one doing the scaring, and she vows to never be the frightened one again! The very next day at the science fair Chuck and Steve scare the crap out of her via an imaginary tarantula. At least spiders are scarier than duck costumes I suppose.

Halloween day rolls around and Carly Beth gathers up her life savings and sets off for the costume shop. Unfortunately it's closed despite being early in the evening on Halloween, which seems like an odd business decision. Lucky for her however, the owner is still inside and lets her inside to make a quick purchase. He had some sorta scary masks, like gorilla's and aliens, but they just didn't cut the mustard. Despite his insistence that she hurry up, she kept on looking around until she found a back room. It contained just the kind of masks she wanted! Realistic foul creations with fangs and green skin. Skin that feels more like actual flesh than any kind of rubber. The owner however is extremely apprehensive about letting her purchase one. He claims they are too real, and far too scary. Eventually after continuing to pester him, she finally just throws money at him and takes off with a mask. Remember, theft isn't theft if you throw an arbitrary amount of cash at the person you stole from.

Now armed with a terrifying mask, Carly Beth is ready to do some scaring. The first victim is little brother Noah. She pounces at him growling with a unnatural hoarse voice and scares the living daylights out of him. He thinks her voice was even scarier than the mask, but she is unsure how she even made the voice. After the attack, she removes the mask, noticing that it takes great a deal of effort. After getting ready to go out trick or treating with some friends, she puts the mask back on and it seems to oddly suck itself on to her face. She dismisses it, and before heading out decides that the plaster of Paris bust of her on a pole would make a great scary accessory.

Finally she is ready to truly scare the crap out of some people. First she creeps the bajeezes out of some kids she thought were Chuck and Steve. She doesn't even relent when she discovers they were not. Not only that but she attacks her best friend Sabrina, scares the crap out of random young children, and throws apples back at the house of the guy who gave them out. I suppose I can't blame her too much for that last one. Who the hell gives apples for Halloween? Sabrina's getting pretty worried about her friend doing all this stuff that is pretty out of character. They decide to split up to get more candy. I am not sure how that makes any sense. I mean people would give them both candy, so they could all go to the same houses at the same time... Regardless, it's their plan.

So who do you think Carly Beth stumbles upon next? Why yes, douchey Steve and Chuck. For all their love of scaring, they are wearing pretty crappy costumes. One seems to be vaguely dressed as a hobo. The other is merely wearing a bandana and a plain black mask. Creative. Anyway, she readies her head on a pole and pops out to terrify them. They are startled, but seem somewhat impressed at her costume, and perhaps even a bit uneasy. The most unsettling thing seems to be her unnatural voice. She informs them that she is not Carly Beth. Carly Beth is the head on the stick and they'll be next. They remain mostly uneasy until the head statue blinks, and mouths the words, "help me." This pushes them from the realm of "uneasy" to that of "fucking petrified." Victorious, Carly Beth dumps the head in a bush and heads off to Sabrina's while her friends scream off into the distance.

Back at Sabrina's house they begin to divvy up the candy. They decide to get out of their costumes, but Carly Beth is having a little trouble. Sabrina tries to help but discovers there is no space between her face and the mask. It's like it is fused to her face. Carly Beth checks herself out in the mirror and sees animal eyes staring at her instead of her own. Now it was her turn to be scared again. Immediately she dashed out of the house and headed back to the costume store. Though it was closed, the owner was still inside waiting for her. It seems he figured she would be back. He knew something about the mask she didn't. It's not really a mask, it's a real face that he created scientifically in a lab. Equally scientifically, it can only be removed by using "a symbol of love." Even more scientifically, the rest of the grotesque faces start flying toward Carly Beth and chase her. Science!

Well, Carly Beth does the only thing she really can do, which is run frantically away. In the midst of running she realizes that the statue of her head may be just the symbol of love she needs to get her face back. She runs back to where she discarded it and finds it blown a short distance from where she put it. She tries to fend off the hover-faces, and finally resorts to putting the statue of her head over her real head for some reason. This random ploy works however, and her face is back to normal, and the grotesque mask is in her hands. She returns home to her loving mother, and settles in to share with her the tale of the evening. She is interrupted however, as her brother Noah busts in wearing the hideous face! And he can't get it off! The end.

What I Thought

It was really a matter of time until there was a Goosebumps book centered around Halloween. It makes too much sense for it to not happen. Having a mask that takes control of you is a pretty fun concept, even when done by the likes of Jim Carey. It's a pretty solid foundation.

Setting up Carly Beth as being a scaredy cat was something that worked. It could be a concept that would be easy to overused in Goosebumps but so far I haven't noticed that trend. Her embarrassment at being startled by the jerks she associates with gives concrete motivation to her character. Rather than sort of arbitrarily falling into a creepy situation, she kind of makes it happen by seeking out a thoroughly horrifying costume and taking it against the advice of the salesman.

I felt like there were issues towards the end though, which seem to happen in Stine's books. Arriving at a plausible cause for these super natural things is something that plagues all artists in the genre I think. The salesman claims to have made the faces in a laboratory, which is a decent explanation I suppose. It lacks a reason though. For example, in Stay Out of the Basement, the scientist father accidentally creates these monster plant things by playing with DNA to create new types of plants. That has a somewhat plausible excuse for the result. What on earth could the salesmen have been doing to create living monster faces that fuse to peoples heads? I think if it had a concrete semi plausible reason it might have added a lot to the book. Another problem is suspension of disbelief. Even if you believe that this guy could fashion living monster masks that fuze with people's face having them start flying somehow just pushed it over the edge of belief for me. It seemed more silly than scary.

One thing that struck me as kind of funny is the title of the book. The Haunted Mask is neither haunted nor really a mask. I suppose "The Scary Ass Scientifically Engineered Horror Face" wasn't as catchy of a title. Oh well.

I must say I am now looking forward to the sequel. Will it involve the same characters? Will it be the exact same mask or one of the other ones? Will the twist ending at the end of this amount to anything, or will it be forgotten? Time will tell, and I have plenty of books to read between then and now.

Rating: 3 Halloween Masks out of 5

 Up Next

Be Careful What You Wish For. I have almost no idea what this is about. Presumably a kid will find something that grants wishes and it will go wrong. Will it be a genie, a leprechaun, or other type of mythical creature? We shall see I guess.

And do you know what I wish for? More Goosebumps. My birthday is next month, so if you feel like giving me the gift of more Goosebumps books to fill out my collection and keep this blog going longer, feel free to wander over to my amazon wishlist. http://amzn.com/w/6REQ148ZCYQI. Don't worry, I'm not going to start going over board into conning you guys into buying books for me, I just thought I'd let it be known that I'll accept some help.

#10 The Ghost Next Door

Judging a book by its cover:

You know, I haven't mentioned the color schemes of these book covers before but I think perhaps I should bring it up now. Each book has a 2 toned border thing-a-majig. Some of the color schemes work pretty well, like the gray and green of Lets Get Invisible. This book's color scheme can only be described as "salmon and diarrhea." It doesn't work at all. Unless of course you are into salmon diarrhea...

The actual illustration is pretty straight forward. There is a ghostly figure at the door of a house with someone opening it. Both are wearing pairs of chucks before the era of them being part of the hipster uniform. Also the perspective is kind of odd. Apparently being a ghost gives you fish-eye lens vision.

The front tagline reads, "There's a strange new kid on the block..." I guess it pertains to the book, but it's not very clever or punchy. I prefer ones that are plays on well known phrases and such. The back tagline is a little better, saying, "How come I've never seen you before?" Which is kind of clever because ya know... ghosts are invisible and such. Not bad.

Not much more to say about it. Now onto the actual contents! 

Getting Goosebumps!

This one stars Hannah Fairchild as your usual t(w)een main character. She is a pretty typical kid in the fairly nondescript town of Greenwood Falls. She lives with her parents and younger twin brothers who are always being nuisances.

The book opens with Hannah in a room being consumed by fire. When she comes to in her own bed and nothing is burnt she comes to the conclusion it was all a dream and goes on about her business. The summer has been pretty boring for her because most of her friends have gone to camp but her parents couldn't afford to send her. Her friends at camp wont even write back to any of the letters she sent them! Regardless she found ways to cope with the boredom, like having a campfire on their yard the night before telling ghost stories to her little brothers.

In the one interesting developing of the summer it turns out someone has moved in next door. It seemed odd to her because she never saw any moving trucks. Further adding to the oddness is the fact that they go to the same school but don't know any of the same people.

It turns out that Danny is some what of a hooligan. One day when Hannah goes into town to mail a letter to one of her camping friends she sees the local postmaster yelling at Danny and his rabble-rousing friends Alan and Fred. Seems they were loitering on government property and Postmaster Chesney doesn't take kindly to that. After she leaves the scene, she is pursued by a strange shadow-like apparition that calls her name. Peculiar!

Well Danny and his pals just keep raising more hell. Hannah goes to get an ice-cream cone and witnesses them all steal from the shop. She follows them and sees them vandalize the postmasters mailbox, though he comes out and threatens them. Danny gets the brunt of it because he is the one they conned into doing it, but he also seems rather apprehensive.

Meanwhile the shadow entity keeps harassing Hannah, especially when Danny is involved. Other odd things occur and she becomes convinced that he is a ghost. Well there is only one thing to do when you have found someone that is a ghost. Politely ask them if they are a ghost... And she does. And he isn't. But she is. Danny can put his arms through her, and it freaks him right the fuck out. Turns out that a couple years ago her house burned down and her whole family died. It was caused by that campfire she made to tell her little brothers scary stories. Hannah killed herself and her entire family... Woah Mr. Stine, that is pretty damn heavy for a kids book.

She tries to confront Danny again to explain herself, but he is still freaked out by the "she's a ghost thing," so he runs off. She follows him to Postmaster Chesney's house and sees his friends there. They finish their vandalism on his mailbox then head into his house with a lighter. Escalating their hooliganry, they proceed to start his house on fire. Danny however gets trapped. Then the Shadow-creature returns and Hannah unmasks it. Underneath it looks like Danny. Apparently it is Shadow Danny, that wants to kill the real Danny so he will go to the shadow world and then Shadow Danny can live.. Or something. Hannah realizes she can save him from dying horribly in a fire like she and her whole family did. She rescues him and Shadow Danny burns in the fire. The final scene has Danny explaining to his mom that the neighbor girl Hannah saved him, but his mom assures him that Hannah died in a fire. Hannah's spirit then fades away.

What I Thought:

With the last 2 books having horrible twist endings, I was on the look out for another twist. I wasn't positive Hannah was going to be a ghost and I sure as shit wasn't expecting it to be because she burned her house down killing her entire family. That is some heavy shit for kids to be reading. I can only wonder if M. Night Shyamalan read this book at some point.

Anyway, this book does a lot of things right that the last few haven't. Firstly, it actually hints at the twist. There are a lot of times when people don't seem to notice Hannah, though it is not so painfully obvious as to ruin everything. Also, the shadow-being while not my favorite element of the book did make it harder to conceive of Hannah being a ghost. Secondly, the the twist wasn't absolutely ridiculous. It fit with the story, and didn't come completely out of the blue. It also carried some weight with it. Perhaps even a little too much weight. I kind of wonder how kids responded to the revelation that Hannah burned her family to death. I kind of wonder how I responded to it when I was young.

I also wonder what the hell is going to happen to Danny now. The dude just burned down a mailman's house. Surely he is at least going to go to juvenile hall. There is some what of a moral tale at play here with him being driven to do bad things by his friends, which almost destroy him. He is saved from the destruction, but is he ultimately redeemed? Is he going to continue being a delinquent? Hannah may have saved him from dying, but we don't really know if she turned him away from a life of crime. The moral tale falls short.

Still, it is a cut above the previous couple books. It's coherent and intriguing for the reader level its aimed at. My faith in the series was waning after Camp Nightmare, but I think it has been restored with this book.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Ghosts

Up Next!

The Haunted Mask! I'm kind of excited. With a couple direct sequels, this is one of the more popular entries in the series. Plus I feel like I sort of remember it, which is seeming rare for these books. If I recall it involves a kid who gets picked on a lot buying a mask to scare the bejeezus out of the bullies, but it backfiring in a big way. Check back next time to see if I'm right about that.

#9 Welcome to Camp Nightmare

Judging a book by its cover

Welcome to Camp Nightmare, I'm creepy shadow monster with bright yellow eyes and I'll be the camp counselor for your stay. Don't mind the massive amount of dead trees they are just a byproduct of the deadly bright red gasses that seem to be infesting our sky. Enjoy yourself!

I don't remember much at all about this book and the cover is not helping. Unfortunately in a series of over 60 books there is bound to be filler. I'm afraid this may be one of those "filler" books, but we shall see, wont we?

The front tagline reads, "It's the little camp of horrors!" Obviously referencing The Little Shop of Horrors. I'm guessing Rick Moranis will not be appearing in this book. The back elaborates, "Those scary stories about camp are all coming true." The only scary camp story I really remember is the episode of Salute Your Shorts with Zeke the Plumber. If you know what I'm talking about, clearly you're at the right blog.

Now, in to the book!

Getting Goosebumps

Camp Nightmare is actually known as Camp Nightmoon, and Billy is heading there on a bus for the first time ever this summer. The bus driver is kind of an odd silent man, who scares the crap out of everyone with a mask before dropping them off in the middle of nowhere and ditching them without an explanation. Then the kids get attacked by wild animals, until they are chased off by Camp Leader "Uncle Al." It's pretty creepy to have an adult of authority force kids to call him "Uncle." But I digress.

They arrive in Camp Nightmoon in a different bus, driven by Uncle Al, who drops the few girls off at a separate camp. The boys all get split up into different cabins and Billy gets into one with a scaredy-cat named Mike. Almost immediately Mike gets bitten by snakes in his bed which proves maybe he has good reason to be a scaredy-cat. He runs off to find a nurse, but quickly discovers from cabin leader Larry that there is no nurse. Uncle Al doesn't believe in "coddling" the children. He also spits in the faces of Child Protective Services. Uncle Al rattles off some camp rules. One is that they absolutely must write home every day. Another and perhaps most notable is never go into the "Forbidden Bunk." Sounds reasonable.

After sleep they are ready to begin their first day of camp shenanigans. First off, Billy goes to play "Scratchball" with a group of boys. Scratchball is like baseball for people who can't afford bats... You just throw the ball into the outfield instead of being pitched to and hitting it. Also, if you are cabin leader Larry to bean kids in the back of the head with the ball because they piss you off, and then claim it was an accident. Then that night they learn camp songs and have dinner. A small food fight ensues and Billy gets grape juiced spilled on his pants, or as the clever kids at camp put it he "purpled himself." When he goes back to his bunk he finds that all of scaredy-cat mike's stuff is all gone. When he confronts Larry about it, Larry acts clueless.

Next on the chopping block are two campers who decide to investigate the Forbidden Bunk despite warnings that "Sabre" will get them. Shrieks in the night signified that perhaps these warnings were correct, and only one of the campers returns sputtering things about a creature. Once again, when Larry the counselor is consulted he acts unconcerned. Later, two campers go for a hike and end up not returning. Larry still doesn't give a shit. Billy however, is getting extremely worried and the addition of 2 new clueless campers to replace all the missing ones doesn't seem to help him.

One day during a swim Billy gets summoned into the woods by Dawn and Dori, two of the campers at the female camp. Turns out strange things are going on at the girl's camp too. This only strengthens Billy's resolve that something has got to be done. Unfortunately for him, the phone at camp is fake, all the letters they've written have been hoarded by the adults remaining unsent, and visitor's day has been canceled.

On the other hand, there is a canoe trip planned for the next day. Lucky for Billy nothing bad EVER happens on canoe trips in the woods. I'm sure his will be just fine... Except that counselor Larry fell off the boat and brave Billy decided he had to jump in after him leaving the two brand new campers drifting away down the rapids... I'm sure they'll be fine. Larry and Billy head back but don't get much time to rest because there is a special hike planned for the next day. Oh boy!

Well the whole camp goes on this hike lead by trustworthy Uncle Al himself. After they get out into the woods he informs everyone that two girls from the female camp have escaped. Then he hands out guns and informs the boys that they are going to hunt them down. For some reason the guys had a problem with that, and Uncle Al informs them they are just tranquilizer darts. Billy however STILL has a problem with it, and is at his breaking point for the whole camp experience. He pulls the gun on Uncle Al and shoots resulting in a tiny pop, and everyone yelling, "Congratulations!" Huh?

It turns out that this whooooole thing was a test. Billy's parents are important scientists and they want to take Billy on their next trip. Apparently to do so there are government tests he has to pass. He passed 1 by not entering the Forbidden Bunk. He passed another by saving Larry. The third test was passed by standing up to Uncle Al. Yes, this whole time the entire camp was in on it. Every single kid, and counselor was acting the whole time and for some reason there is no law against pulling this stuff on your child. Bullshit you say? Well before you call bullshit, it turns out that the expedition the parents are planning is to Earth. Because they are aliens. Yep.

What I Thought

I seem to keep addressing the end of the book first, but how can I not when the endings are this stupid? I guess RL Stine wanted to out-dumb the ending to the last book in the series, and he very well may have done it. It was a double-twist ending, and both of them were terrible. When the original twist of it being a government test was revealed I immediately thought it was dumb. Kids aren't good actors, how could all of them be in on it convincingly? Why would the government allow this to be done to a child? What about that kid that got beaned with the ball? How can you fake that? But then all those stupid questions went away when the alien thing was revealed and a new batch of stupid questions popped up. Why are they on a world where the people look like humans, have exactly human level technology like phones and buses, and all the plants and animals are apparently like ones on earth? Bears, fish, wolves and birds? They even eat Earth food. Billy has french toast. How the hell can you have french toast if there is no France?

My guess would be RL really just pulled this out of his ass at the last minute. I can see him sneaking it in at the very end of the writing process with a shit eating grin on his face. How clever I am! The kids will eat this shit up! Then he rolled around on his bed of money cackling the whole time. Bastard.

It's kind of a shame. Up until the end the book was fairly solid for Goosebumps. Being alone at camp with everything going wrong around you and no adults you can trust is kind of a scary thought. If Uncle Al had some sort of nefarious plan, it could have wound up being genuinely entertaining. Instead we have bullshit about aliens. Disappointing. I'm hoping the Goosebumps series shapes up from here on out.

Rating 1 Spooky Cabin out of 5

Up Next

Next up is The Ghost Next Door. Let me guess, the ghost really isn't a ghost, it's a robot. Also it doesn't live next door it is actually sending a hologram of itself up from the center of the earth. Why did I decide to reread these books again?

#8 The Girl Who Cried Monster

Judging a Book by its Cover

The Girl Who Cried Monster. The name obviously is a play on The Boy Who Cried Wolf, and it leads me to wonder if it will follow that tale at all, or if it just happened to be a clever title. Conspicuously absent from the cover is any monster. All we have is a chubby bald guy who seems to be interested in bugs. Specifically, in eating them. The guy bears a bit of a resemblance to R.L. Stine himself. Coincidence? Probably! But it is still marginally interesting.

The front tagline reads, "She's got the monster of all problems." Get it? Because her problem is literally a monster. Presumably. Not a winner of a tagline. The back one is worse, "She's telling the truth... but no one believes her!" Come on Stine, these are supposed to be clever! Actually, I wonder if he wrote these things himself, or if some marketer slapped em on after the book was done. Something to consider... Ok, enough considering, lets get to the part where I actually read the book.


Getting Goosebumps

Eeek! A toe-biter!

This book stars the usual 12-13 year old protagonist, this time named Lucy Dark. She has a 6 year old brother named Randy and lives with her family in a place called Genericville. Wait, no, it was actually Timberland Falls where there are no falls and little timber. Lucy is generally an average kid but she has one peculiar obsession: monsters. She loves everything about monsters, especially scaring the pants off young Randy by telling him tales of beasts like the "Toe-Biter."

It's summer time in Timberland Falls, so instead of  going to school she has weekly meetings of the "Reading Rangers." Not nearly as cool as the Rescue, Power, or even Texas Rangers, but it's a way to kill time I suppose. Each week she gets assigned a book and if she reads it at the end of the summer she gets a prize. The one in charge of this is the pudgy librarian Mr. Mortman who is a bit of an odd fellow. He's always sweaty and has a pot with pet turtles on his desk. You'd think he could afford an aquarium of some sort.

After one meeting of the Reading Rangers Lucy forgets her rollerblades and has to come back for them. She feels as though something ominous is going to happen. Guess what? It does! She spots Mr. Mortman at his desk with a jar of flies telling his "Timid Little Friends" that it is feeding time. Then he eats the flies and transforms into a bug-eyed, snake-tongued monster! You'd think on a diet of flies he wouldn't be so fat... Anyway, naturally Lucy's response is to run the hell away. Correct response. Unfortunately she realizes she left her rollerblades there again decides to go back again to get the. Wrong response. Her efforts are thwarted however, because the doors are locked.

Finally she makes it home, and is shocked to find that her parents don't believe her just because she is always telling monsters stories. I don't know why he had to turn this into a "Boy Who Cried Wolf" thing because even if she didn't lie about monsters all the time, what parent would believe their kid that the librarian's a monster?

Anyway, now Lucy has a mission. She has to prove that Mr. Mortman is actually a monster. She met the next week for the Reading Rangers, to discuss the book she read which was of course, Frankenstein and afterwards hid out to see him change again. Just when she thought that she'd gotten it all wrong the first time, he indeed changed into a monster again this time dining on one of his turtles. After escaping this time she tries to convince her friend Aaron of Mr. Mortman's monsterdom instead of trying to convince her parents. This tactic doesn't seem to work though. Also to her surprise when she gets home Mr. Mortman shows up. Fortunately for her it just seems to be to return a book bag she left there. Of course her parents remain ever skeptical.

Indisputable proof of monsters.

Her next course of action was to get her friend Aaron to tag along with her and witness Mr. Mortman's change. He agrees only after being bribed with 5 bucks. What a true friend! Not only that, but the bastard doesn't even show up because he's got an orthodontist appointment. Lucky for Lucy, she owns a camera. Unlucky for her she is too fucking stupid to turn the flash off. Thankfully apparently monster eyes are extremely sensitive to light... for some convenient reason, so she is able to escape yet again. And back to the unlucky part... Apparently monsters don't show up on film. Her picture of an empty library does nothing to convince her parents of monsters despite Lucy's assertion that the picture absolutely proves he's a monster, because he doesn't show up. How can you argue with that logic?

Ready for another bout with the beast, Lucy finally persuades Aaron to come with her. This time they follow him home and peep in his window, which happens to be behind a fish tank. For some reason Lucy looks first, and sees him change, then he spots her and she falls on her ass off the wheelbarrow she was standing on. Aaron of course saw none of this because he was looking for a ladder and he ran away as Mr. Mortman came out of his house. Being back in human form he confronts her about what she is doing there. She, as a kid, is a natural born liar and says she was just there to tell him she'd be late to Reading Rangers tomorrow and she takes off.

Since Aaron saw nothing and her parents remain unconvinced her parents force her to go to her book meeting. There Mr. Mortman locks the doors and lets Lucy know that he is on to her and he can't let her go. He turns into a monster and gets ready to devour her, but she puts up a fight and in the scuffle she knocks over the drawer of the card catalog sending cards everywhere. He may be a monster, but he's a librarian dammit so he's gotta organize those cards. Seriously. That's how she gets away. I'm not making this shit up.

It turns out that Aaron sneaked into the library and witnessed the whole thing. One extra child's belief that this man was a monster was enough to sway Lucy's skeptical parents and they only had 1 option. Invite him to dinner. Mr. Mortman showed up skeptical and confused. Eventually he settled in to conversation and asked them what was for dinner. The parents responded, "you are." And then ate him. Because they are monsters. Seriously. That's how it ends. Seriously.


What I Thought

WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH THAT ENDING? It was terrible! I get the urge to have a clever twist at the end, but that wasn't clever and just leads to so many flaws with the book. It's implied that even the kids know they are monsters. Why would Lucy be so obsessed with monsters then? Why would her patents be so skeptical? Why would her brother be so frightened? Why wouldn't their parents wait to get first hand proof before cannibalizing the bastard? Up until the end it was a pretty run of the mill Goosebumps book but the end just fucking ruins everything. I don't think I can even discuss other aspects of the book because the all I can focus on is the stupid fucking end. Ugh.

I guess I have to dicuss the only other aspect of this book worth talking about. That would be how this is a take off on The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Wouldn't it have been awesomely clever if it turned out that the boy was really a wolf himself? Wait no, that would have been fucking stupid. Ending aside the injection of this fable doesn't really work, because a wolf eating sheep from your flock is a very legitimate threat people would genuinely believe and be angry if you lied about. Your librarian being a monster however is something almost no one would believe, except maybe the fine folks at the History Channel.

In summation. Wow. That ending. That fucking ending. Terrible.

Rating 1 out of 5 flies

Up Next!

Welcome to Camp Nightmare! I think there were a few books about camp and I don't remember any of them particularly well. Camp however makes for an excellent setting for scary books and telling scary tales at camp is a time honored tradition. Check back next time for my thoughts on this and as always, thanks for reading!

#7 Night of the Living Dummy

Judging a book by its cover:

Yikes! This is the first Goosebumps cover that actually disturbs me a bit. Something about ventriloquist dummies is always a bit unsettling and this really captures that and then-some. I'd be pretty terrified if this guy came alive. Plus the tagline is "He Walks. He stalks..." I'll bet he does! Creepy Bastard...

Let's check out the back the back tagline? "He's no dummy!" Ok, that's not very scary or clever, but I'm still giving the cover art an "A" for being genuinely creepy. Those green eyes may haunt me tonight. In fact the back picture where it is all cropped to be just his face may be even more creepy. Bah! Lets get on with it so I can stop looking at this cover and get into the book.

I don't remember a lot of specifics about this book besides the obvious dummy coming to life aspect. I know this spawned several direct sequels so it is probably one of the better books in the series, at least I hope so.

Onward!

Getting Goosebumps:

The creepy side of ventriloquism, it's not that hard to see, but Stine does a pretty good job of bringing it out regardless. This one stars twin sisters named Lindy and Kris. The fact that they are twins brings a different dimension to the book. Their sibling rivalry is more intense and more believable as well. It fuels the story.

So one day Lindy and Kris go checking out the house that was being built next door. Perhaps not how I'd spend my weekend, but what do I know? I'm not a young teenage twin girl! Wandering around the empty shell of a house creeps them out. Even little things like squirrels walking around seem freaky under those circumstances... apparently. Lindy finds a garbage can and what do you think is inside? A BABY! Wait no, that's what Kris thought she pulled out. What she really found, however, was a ventriloquist dummy! Almost as odd really. Personally I'd probably be more likely to throw out a baby than a dummy, but that's purely because I have actually held a baby and never even touched a real ventriloquist puppet.

Well, immediately Lindy thought her find was pretty rad. Kris on the other hand wasn't so impressed, she thinks ventriloquism is dumb. Her tune changed pretty quickly however. Lindy named the dummy Slappy and worked up a routine which neighbors gave her 20 bucks to preform. Suddenly Kris realizes the awesome side of puppetry and wants in so she throws a hissy fit to their parents. The ingenious solution was that they should share the doll, which of course pisses Lindy off. It would piss me off too! Here was a perfectly good dummy she stole from her neighbors garbage fair and square and now she has to share? Lame! Dad however breaks down and buys Kris her very own dummy from a pawn shop that was eager to get rid of it. This dolls name you ask? Mr. Wood. We had a puppet in sex-ed class named Mr. Wood, but he was for demonstrating how to put on a c... eh, nevermind.

So... Twins. Early in the book they competed over stuff like who could blow the biggest gum bubble, and who or who did not in fact "stink." Now they had worked up to competing ventriloquist acts. Lindy took to it easily and was rather annoyed her sister had to copy her and get a gig performing with her dummy at the spring concert. Kris was a bit jealous that Lindy was making fat stacks of cash off all the neighbors. This seemed to manifest itself in the dummies doing strange things to each other at night. When they'd wake up they'd find them in odd poses, like one strangling the other. One night they woke up to discover that Mr. Wood had taken everything out of the fridge and scattered it over the floor. Mom woke up too, and was pretty darn pissed. Kris on the other hand was scared, what if her dummy really was coming alive? I mean, she had noticed it saying evil things she would swear didn't come from the user. Maybe it was really an evil possessed puppet! Oh no! We've got to do something? Wait, mom is pissed and wants to throw him out? Absolutely not, that's no fair! I want to keep my evil deranged puppet! He's mine and you can't do that! I'll never understand the logic of kids I swear...

After she finally convinces her mom to let them keep the dummies, Kris tosses Mr. Wood in the closet and has a breakdown. She believes she hears it saying, "let me out, let me out." Tears roll down her face. Thank goodness she convinced mom to let her keep him! Unfortunately this puppet may not be possessed after all, Lindy spills the beans that it has been her messing around the whole time. The best way to get revenge on your copycat sister is definitely to assure her years of therapy.


Well this incident wouldn't deter her from working with her dummy. One day while practicing Kris found a note in. Mr. Woods pocket that said, "Karru marri odonna loma molonu karrano." I ran it through google translate but it didn't seem to think it meant anything. Probably best to just say things like that out loud for no reason instead. It's not like it makes a dummy come to life or anything ominous like that! Elderly neighbors came over and were hoping for a show. Lindy preformed wonderfully with Slappy but for some reason Kris's performance with Mr. Wood was all just angry insults. Peculiar... Actually I thought the insult comedy was the funniest bit of the entire book. I guess elderly neighbors don't have a very good sense of humor.

Then comes the big day. The day Kris has to preform for the school concert. She is nervous as you'd expect from anyone who has to preform a comedy routine with an evil puppet. Of course Mr. Blue decides again it is time for insults and heaves them at a heavyset woman who is helping backstage. For a grand finale he pukes green sludge on her. Now that's a showstopper! This girl could have a great act after all. He even showered people in the front row like it was a Gallager routine.

Despite her awesome showing at the concert, mom and dad made her put her dummy away in the closet and they swore they'd bring it back to the pawn shop the next day. Now that they know it can spew bile it's probably worth twice as much I'd say! Kris however awakes in the middle of the night to find Mr. Wood has gotten up out of the closet on his own and is walking around. Running a muck really. He tumbles down the stairs in a fight with Kris and lets her know he is in control now. Of course when mom and dad appear the dummy is asleepy. Tricky bastard. It turns out of course, that all that "Karru marri" stuff from the note in his pocket were in fact the words to bring him to life. They think if they repeat them he'll die, but that's a bust. They are the life bringing words, not the death bringing ones? Oh phooey..

Next came attempts to kill him. Ripping his head off didn't work, nor cutting him with scissors. Instead they locked him in a closet, which prompted him to promise he'd kill one of their family. They burred him in the ground, but he dug himself back out. Haven't these kids ever heard of gasoline and matches? They wrestle with him, and he tries to kill their dog which may be the ultimate dick move. They bring him outside to try and throw him under a steamroller, but he gets free only to flee and get smashed under a different steam roller. Finally, they are rid of him in a puff of rotten green smoke. Rejoicing they go inside to discover that now the other dummy Slappy is alive, and thankfully to be rid of the other dummy. Now this book is over until the sequel!

What I thought

This is probably the best Goosebumps book so far. It was written in 3rd person, which I prefer. Plus we get to know more of who the characters are in this book. The fact that they are twins makes the reader understand the rivalry which is present the whole time. When the twist in the middle comes that Lindy had been fooling her sister the whole time, we aren't surprised that it did happen and yet weren't necessarily expecting it either. The frustration from the parents throughout was really believable.

Also, there weren't a whole lot of "RL Stine-isms." I don't think he did any "tried to scream but no sound came out" moments. He also didn't overdo the prank scare. Granted there was the big one, but as that was a major plot point it wasn't an issue. I mean little pranks, jumping out from a dark corner of the room or something like that is something he tends to overdo but it wasn't in this book much. The only thing that seemed very Stine-y was their dog. Last book they had a black terrier named Whitey. This time they have a black terrier with an even more clever name... Barky. Terrible. All the dogs in the books before this I'm pretty sure were spaniels which means I am pretty sure he only knows 2 kinds of dogs. Or maybe they are just the only kinds of dogs he's ever owned. Anyway, it's a small point but stuff like that amuses me. Oh, also he name dropped Stephen King in this book, the mom was reading a novel of his at one point and that kind of amused me as well.

Anyway, I thought this book was well written for Goosebumps, it had a decent plot that moved along and characters that didn't seem completely flat. I am actually eager to get to the sequel and see if it picks up right where this one left off or if it starts from a different point in time. We shall see, eventually!

Rating 4 ventriloquist dummies out of 5

Up Next!

I literally could not remember less about this book if I tried. I knew it existed, the title... That is it. Will it be a boy who cried wolf type story? Probably, there is generally an element to that in all the goosebumps but I think that was just his attempt at a clever title more than anything. I kind of look forward to this book, will I recollect anything about it? We shall see, next time!

#6 Lets Get Invisible!

Firstly, sorry this is so delayed! Halloween turned into Thanksgiving turned into Christmas turned into New Year's Day and I've been caught up in various things. I try to read 1 Goosebumps book for everyone 1 "real" book I read, but I got a little out of sync with that concept and had a lot of real life stuff going on. I hope I wont leave you hanging as much anymore. Anyways, here we go!

Now you see him, now you don't!

Judging a book by its cover:
Lets get invisible! Why not, it sounds fun? Think of all the awesome things you could do while invisible. Now forget all those things because this is a kids book and that shit wont fly in these pages. You know the main illustration always looked to me like a kid just staring at his hand like, "Wooooah... Dude!" and not much like a kid disappearing. Really he looks shiny more than invisible.

The tagline on the front is, "Now you see him, now you don't!" Which is mildly clever. You associate the line with bad magicians, but it works. On the back it says "Disappearances can be deadly." which is actually sort of intriguing. How exactly can turning invisible be deadly? I suppose it would significantly increase the odds of you being hit by a truck if you frequently walk down the middle of the street.

What is there for me to say about this book? I remember almost nothing right now. I am curious to see if it starts coming back to me as I read it. So far that has been the case with other books, but I've also gone into them remembering at least something. This one leaves me a bit blank. It does seem like there is a lot of opportunity for fun shenanigans. Invisibility opens the door for all sorts of things. Will R.L. Stine deliver this time? LETS FIND OUT!

Getting Goosebumps:

So this one stars a teen/tween named Max. He has a left-handed brother nicknamed Lefty, a black dog named Whitey, and a squeaky friend nicknamed Mouse. Stine is the KING of naming characters I tell ya. Early on Max has a birthday party that gets rained on so they have to stay inside. After name dropping things kids will relate to, like Terminator Movies, X-Force Comics (the only comic Stine seems to be aware of) and, Super Nintendo games they decide for some reason to go into the attic. Every child's dream birthday party! Up there the dog Whitey accidentally leads them to a hidden room which contains a weird old mirror.

Now it's INVISIBLE TIME! When you pull the chain on the light on the mirror it makes you get invisible. Imagine all the amazing things you could do while invisible. Now forget those things because they don't happen. Mostly what the kids end up doing is competing to see who can stay invisible the longest, because after awhile it starts to make you feel funny. Max starts feeling wrong about it, and regrets doing it. Allegory for peer pressure and drug use? MAYBE!

Of all the kids only Max and his Mousey friend are apprehensive about it. Lefty is kind of a joking jerk who actually wants to use it for pranks, albeit dumb pranks. There is also a friend named Zack who has his hair shaved on one side and grown out long and combed straight on the other. This Rihanna wannabe seems the most set on staying invisible the longest because amazing mystical abilities should always be turned into a stupid juvenile pissing contest. Max however gets less enthused and more concerned as time goes on. After all, they don't understand anything about the mirror, and it could be dangerous. But come on, this is a Goosebumps book, what could go wrong?

Well one night their grandparents come over and Lefty the jokester decides this would be the perfect time to go invisible and raise some hell. Max on the other hand, tries to cover up the shenanigans and drags him back to the mirror to become visible again. The longer you stay invisible, the longer it takes to appear again, and it took Lefty a really long time to come back. Also, something looks wrong about it, but no one can quite say why, though even mom notices it.

A few days pass and Max feels pretty strongly about not using the mirror anymore. He cancels a planned day for all his friends to come over and mess around with the invisibility some more. They show up anyway because Lefty called them and told them to come... but Lefty is gone playing softball. Weird!

So Max tries to get them not to mess around with the mirror but they all kind of goad him into it. Clearly he should have been paying more attention to D.A.R.E. and the war on drugs. Just say no Max! But alas, his friends get him to concede and they try and get record setting times for being invisible. Only his friend Male Rihanna, err... Zack actually does anything interesting while being invisible. He leads them all outside and juggles the neighbors tomatoes while he is out gardening. The guy goes to get his wife to show her, and then the kid stops juggling. Classic. Of course this all takes a long time and eventually Zack stops replying, so they bring him out of the invisibility. Max is worried but Rihanna hair keeps it cool. There is just one strange thing, his hair do seems like it is long on the opposite side now...

Now Max is more resolved then ever to not use the mirror. But his friends want him to, so of course he does. What did I tell you in the last paragraph Max? JUST SAY NO! He is kind of defiant about it and just stays in one place though, so there is that. Around the 12 minute mark he starts feeling very strange like he is being pulled away or something. He winds up in a weird realm with strange faces looking at him and most oddly... himself! Only... his reflected self, you see, he is in the mirror. The reflections have been trying to swap places with the real people. Frank and Erin have already been swapped and Max is next unless he puts up a fight. Guess what? He totally does. He actually manages to get out of the mirror, but Reflected Frank and Erin manage to push him back in. Just then Lefty comes in and throws a softball at Max but it misses and breaks the mirror.

Ah, now everything is back to normal, and Max learned a valuable lesson about standing up to peer pressure. All's well that ends well. Oh wait... Left is throwing Max a ball from his right hand now... DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

What I Thought

First and foremost R.L. Stine is getting much better at writing in the first person. This one sounds significantly more like it could have been written like a 13 year old than a middle aged man, and I mean that in a semi good way. Of course sometimes you have to chuckle at their speech and really wonder if kids said, "you dork" and "you stink" as much as Stine thinks they did but all in all he doesn't do a bad job.

What bugged me about this book though was the lack of actual things done with invisibility. Zack does make a joke about going to peep on the girls locker room, and he does the juggling in front of the neighbor thing but that is really about it. I know if I was a kid that had just been given gift like invisibility my first thought wouldn't be "lets see who can stay invisible the longest!" That part seemed kind of silly and forced. They should have been doing other things with it. That is really the biggest missed opportunity of the whole book.

Also I wish I kept a spreadsheet of things R.L. Stine mentions. He brings up Super Nintendo a lot, though never Sega Genesis. The only comic he ever seems to mention is X-Force which I believe is a spin-off of the X-Men. And he seems crazy about Schwarzenegger movies. I kind of wonder if these are things he was actually fond of, or perhaps he had a kid that was wild about them, or what. They keep popping up. And while Nintendo is definitely right for the era, the other things could easily be replaced by other things. Why not Batman or Spiderman instead of X-Force? I am interested to see if they keep appearing or if it was just a phase he was in early on.

Oh yeah, and I know I kept pushing the "peer pressure about drugs" moral message of the story, but I'm not necessarily convinced I would have given it a second thought as a kid. Only as an adult did that really pop up in my mind. He's not very heavy handed about given moral messages in these stories, they are more about the fun of fright.

I never really did remember much about this book while reading, though I know I read it as a kid. It's not a terrible entry into the series, but it is pretty forgettable so I'm not surprised. The writing was fairly solid, but the actual story didn't deliver much. The verdict is in.


Rating 2 1/2 Mirrors out of 5

Up Next!

Night of the Living Dummy! I remember this being one of my favorites. A ventriloquist's dummy comes to life and runs a muck. I sort of remember it being like a PG version of Chucky. Will it actually be anything like that? Check back next time and find out! And I'll try and make sure next time is a little sooner. Thanks for reading!