April 1, 2015

Gooflumps #4 1/2 Eat Cheese and Barf!

Judging a Book by its Cover

Gooflumps! That's right it's April Fools Day and thus I am going to read the one remaining book in this spoof series. Now once again, you can tell it is not officially connected to Goosebumps in anyway way by all the warnings and notices. And once again this book is not by RL Stine but by RU Slime. Classic. Now I never read this one as a kid , never bought it. I purchased this from the thrift store a few months ago. On the inside cover is the name of a kid I think I might have gone to high school with. I'll have to contact him and see if it's the same guy!

Anyway, so the cover. This is a lot more grotesque than your classic 'bumps. I mean, there is even Barf in the title. We got maggoty worm cheese, a vomiting cow, what seems to be dead cows. Grossness seems to be the go-to thing here.The vomiting cow seems especially gross. Maybe because it is holding up its hoof to cover its mouth? Even the tagline is gross. Where Goosebumps tries to throw in a pun or a twist on a turn of phrase, this books goes for goes. "Chunks City" is the tagline. Ew. I think we all know what kind of chunks they are talking about.

Now as to what I think this book is going to be about? I... really have no idea. Presumably some one will both eat cheese and barf. Will there be evil cheese? Perhaps tainted cheese? A madman tainted the world's cheese supply? Evil cows? Alien Cows? Alien Cheese? These are just guesses!

Just a minor thing before I start reading. Though it is not the cover, I dunno where else to talk about it. The about the author section on the inside back is pretty funny. Who is the true identity of RU Slime? Will we ever know? Do we even want to? Probably not!

Getting Goosebumps Gooflumps

So like Goosebumps, this book stars an average(ish) tween. This one stars Billy Fudder... Fudder... like udder... which makes milk... which makes cheese... ANYWAY We open with Billy's parents forcing him to drink milk. The problem with this is that Billy has an enzyme in his stomach which causes him to barf if he eats dairy, hence the title of the book. Well they make him drink and he spews all over and then he wakes up. Yes, just like what has happened in Goosebumps countless times, so too has happened in this spoof. Accurate!

Back in the real world he is traveling via station wagon with his family to Bledsoe, New York. It is apparently the Cottage Cheese Capitol of the World. What a claim to fame. It seems that Billy's Great-Grandpa left them "Breakwind Farms" (Get it, breakwind... like... fart...) after he passed on and they are moving in. The kids don't seem too pleased about leaving home. The farm town smells of cows, which isn't helping them adjust. One of the aforementioned cows approaches them... with a human arm in its mouth! Luckily this was just a parody of the patented RL Stine false scare. The cow is Martha and she is just carrying Armand's fake arm. Armand was hired by Great Grandpa to help with the farm. While admiring the fake arm, Billy steps in a cow pie, hilarious. Supposedly Armand's real arm got sucked off by a milking machine, which seems odd. You would think cow udders wouldn't fair well in such a machine. Inside, a discussion with his son reveals that dad doesn't want to live here at all, he is being sent to live with his 100 year old aunt Gladys 2000 miles away! JK, LOL, ROFLMFAOBBQ!!!!11one Oh that Dad, what a jokester. Then older bracefaced sister Jennifer starts throwing a hissy fit because they made her leave her boyfriend. Thankfully she is appeased when Armand informs her that there will be a town dance coming up where all the eligible young men will be wanting to check out the new city girl. Woo. Late that night Billy looks out his bedroom window and swears he sees Armand talking to a cow. Strange.

Next morning Billy gets up, goes to the bathroom, and sees his sisters poppy zit pus all over the mirror. Gross. He takes an extremely long shower for obvious reasons. Then he goes downstairs to eat breakfast. False scare into horrible pancakes! Hah hah, his mom can't cook. Classic! Out exploring town, Billy steps into another cow pie, still hilarious! Then he meets a girl on a motor-scooter. Her name Fanny Rennet... heh heh, Fanny... Like butt! And Rennet is an enzyme used in cheese production which is a joke I'm sure absolutely 0 children understood. Well maybe a few children who actually live and work on cheese farms... Anyway, Miss Butt Cheese Enzyme is throwing dirt balls at a sign of John Curdle (like cheese Curdles, oh man, these jokes) because he is evil and his nephew is a jerk. Seems like a reasonable reason to be defacing property. She also demonstrates that she can burp so heinously that she will cause anyone to vomit. What a lady! They go into town and meet Officer Eclaire (eclair like the type of donut!) stuffing his face full of donuts. Ah, good old fashioned stereotypes. Fanny shows Billy her parents business, the Moo N' Doo. Then Billy's dad shows up to tell him his mom is pregnant. Joking again! Bazinga!

Well ol' kidder dad pays the kids to clean out the basement. Fanny asserts that it was their great grandpa's secret laboratory. Down there they find a hole in the wall. Inside they find a container full of a human brain! No, even better, it's full of cottage cheese! It comes with a diary that urges you not to show it to anyone in the Curdle family. Mom calls them to lunch and naturally is disbelieving of the cheese brain. Also, as it just so happens, John Curdle has come for a visit. He convinces mom to come work with him at the International Milk Products (IMP) in marketing. He also seems real interested in Billy's cheese brain story. The kids decided to bring the cheese to an abandoned barn to investigate. Billy steps in his 3 cow pie. This joke never gets old! At the barn they investigate the cheese. Billy swears it moves. Fanny looks closer and he shoves her face in the cheese. She responds with a burp that makes him puke. I don't know if I can take all this high brow humor! Curiously, they notice that Billy's puke burns the cheese away. I'm sure that wont come up later! Just then Martha the talking cow interrupts them? Nevermind, it's Armand talking not the cow. He gives them a cryptic warning.

Later on, Jerry Curdle (the nephew) threatens to beat up Billy. Officer Eclaire shows up and does nothing of use (like the real police, har har har, amirite folks?!?) Luckily Armand and Martha show up to break things up. Martha scares him off. Armand explains that it was because of an ol' stampede that people are frightened of the cow. Odd. Just then Billy's dad comes within inches of hitting him with the car. It was a joke WHAT A KIDDER!

Well once again the kids investigate the cheese. It's growing! Also, it has tentacles that reach out and grab
them. Plus it consumes a bird. Just when you think things can't get weird Martha the cow shows up and genuinely talks. Turns out she was one of great grand pappy's experiments. Another one is this bird eating cheese blob. Though he developed it, he was working for IMP at the time, and the curdle family would use it for evil, so Martha must study it. Jerry showed up inquisitive about what was going on, but mostly left em alone.

Then the cheese grew so giant it blotted out the sun! .... in a dream. Come on, I feel like you get 1 dream fake-out per book. Anyway, the kid discuss the previous events and try to decide if it is a dream. Then knife wielding Jerry Curdle shows up to take a sample from the mysterious cheese experiment. Then the cheese eats him. Awesome. Martha shows up and theorizes that Jerry is not dead, because the cheese hasn't digested him yet. How does one breathe inside a mass of sentient cottage cheese? I have no idea. Also the cow theorizes that the cheese must continue to feed.

Billy resolves to conquer the cheese. He dresses up like his favorite hero, the White Ninja and sets out to attack with Fanny at his side. They find what they think is its nest... a bed of iceberg lettuce. Because obviously cottage cheese and a bed of lettuce go together. Then they attack the cheese! But alas, it was just Armand in the dark. He explains how he worked on the cheese with Billy's great grandpa, then the cheese shows up. Armand tries to stop him but gets consumed. Trying to free him the kids pull off his fake arm. At least he slowed the cheese down so the kids can escape. They see the cheese again attacking Officer Eclaire! but it is only a cheese sculpture for the dairy dance that night. They decide if the cheese needs to feed that is where it will go.

Billy visits his mom to get her to convince people to call off the dance. It doesn't go well and Jonathon Curdle intervenes. He claims Jerry is missing because he had to leave town to visit a sick cousin. Sly. He encourages Billy to visit Nurse Pontiac, if her name is a reference to a type of cheese, I don't know it. Mr. Curdle takes over the examination and prescribes... MILK! It's a torture session, oh no! His sister interrupts it by bounding in distraught that Jerry isn't going to the dance with her. Billy wisely uses this time to slip away.

Unable to figure out how to prevent the dance from happening, the kids show up with their families. Just when Billy's mom is unveiling the new town Motto the accidentally wheel out out the cheese sculpture. Thankfully it wasn't the cheese beast! The motto, by the way, is "everything is cheesier in Bledsoe." Also, Jennifer is proclaimed the dairy queen! Then the cheese sculptured gets wheeled out again... No! It's the evil cheese beast! It consumed Jennifer, but the kids came up with a plan. Billy's barf burned the beast (alliteration!) so they plan to have him puke all over the cottage cheese monster. He tries to eat some cheese but can't mentally bring himself to do it. Plan B: Fanny belches her foul breath at Billy. It's horrible and indeed causes him to puke all over the cottage cheese, over and over. One by one forms emerged from the vomity cheese. Jennifer, Armand, Jerry and Jonathon... even the bird came out alive. Things are going to be OK!

The End.

What I Thought

Gross. No really, gross. The previous Gooflumps had literal toilet humor but I don't remember it being this darn gross. I'm sure as a kid I would have loved it. It is the kind of book a child would love purely because his parents would never want him to read it. As an adult it wears pretty thin though. I mean how many times can a person stepping in cow poop really be funny? A couple I suppose. I mean there may be a point where more is better, but a not particularly clever joke repeated over and over looses steam.

What it does well though is mimic a Goosebumps book. It has stupid fake scares. Stupid "you don't know it's a dreams." Stupid pranks. Though its title is a parody of Say Cheese and Die the actual story is much more like Monster Blood, with cottage cheese instead of slime.

In fact, some things it does better than a Goosebumps book. While those books can be silly, this book takes it all out. All the stupid cheese names are actually kind of humorous. Plus a talking cow? Awesome! Talking cow beats out "everyone is an alien" BS. Plus the interactions between siblings seems realer. In Goosebumps books they just sort of get on each other's nerves. On this one they insult their complexions. Pizza face they call em! Real sibling banter.

But the grossness. Oh man. I mean I guess with a title like Eat Cheese and Barf I should know what to expect. But he literally barfs when he eats dairy! And the end. Ok, though I'm very glad this wasn't a TV Show, the end is kind of humorous. I mean, belches causes barfing on a giant cottage cheese monster? Way to take the grossiosity to the max. I try not to visualize it. Ew.

So basically if you want a silly and way way way grosser take on Goosebumps this may be your book. Adults might want to keep their kids from it if they want to limit their exposure to shit, puke, gas, etc, but then without those things what fun is childhood?

Up Next

Well this was the last Gooflumps. On the cover of the book it even says "Buy 2- That's It!" in a mockery of the endless slew of Goosebumps book. So next, there is a 95% chance I'll return to the main series where we left off. That would be, it came from beneath the sink! As per usually, I don't remember a damn thing about this book. You would think you'd notice something living beneath the sink. Is it a monster? Or perhaps some sort of sentient mold born of experimental cleaner and dirty dripping water? Who can say. Until next time folks.